EXCOLO

Afternoon of Friday, April 30th.
The Abbey

Nothing like finding out your god's walking among you to shake you up, bloody hell. Nearly had a heart attack when Nanshe came to me. When she told me who she was I didn't doubt it, not for a minute, even though it was incredible. Cos I knew her. Told Ash about it, cos he's my Abbot. Had to do that. But no one else knows. She's living with us here as Noma. Keep worrying that people are going to recognise her. Have heard more than one person say she seems familiar. But it seems alright so far. I keep going back and forth with whether people should be told. But Nanshe is insistent it's better they don't, and I do what she says.

Raises a lot of questions, when your god's wandering around. How things fit together. It's almost - embarrassing, cos I've shared so much with her in the past, and now she's here, living and breathing and talking, and I know she knows more about me than anyone else and... yeah. It's hard, cos when I look at her I see a woman first, then my god, and the first part makes it uncomfortable. I know it frustrates her, too, being this way, and I want to help. Not sure how yet, though.

Rainy day today, but I'm still out training in the yard, cos it's not like if I ever need to fight it's guaranteed to be dry. Besides, discipline helps me at the moment.

[closed]

Monday, 19th April, morning

Had a lot on my mind since we all woke up. Trying to put a brave face on it for the community, but I keep coming back to it - what if Nanshe really is dead? I remember the dream I had where the pelican died, and I reckoned that'd be against the Tower but what if I was wrong?

People's spirits have been low all round. We've been trying to keep the juniors and the novices as busy as possible. And Ash has become the Abbot now. Reckon it's for the best. Need an official leader, cos Oya's never coming back. I was nominated, but I turned the nomination down. Didn't want a vote divided between me and Ash, and anywa, it's not the job I want. Ash's good at all that organisation stuff, really good, and he's got a calmer temper than me. Reckon he'll do a top job.

Bloody tired today, cos I've been doing a lot of dreaming these past couple of weeks, trying to see if I can find any sign of our Lady. No luck as yet. And now here I am at my loom, and I keep going wrong. Sigh and reset the shuttle.

[Open to Nanshe]

Saturday, March 13th, late evening; the Zuabi farm

Went down to Oakridge on Thursday night for the nikah. Rashida didn't want to go, and there's no law that she has to, as long as two witnesses go in her place. My sister's not the sort of person you'd think wouldn't want to be present at her own wedding ceremony, but there you go. There's no imam in Excolo, but there is one in Oakridge, so I went there and signed the contract for her. Felt like the least I could do, really. Travelled back here with Taslim and the rest of the Zuabis yesterday, and the party was today. Mum and Dad went all out - big feast, invited all the neighbours. Dad said he was happy to buy Rashida a dress, but she said she'd wear Mum's. Mum was touched, of course, and Rashida looked lovely today, but I can't help feeling she did it cos it meant she didn't really need to think about it. I worry about her. Taslim's alright, he's not as much of a dick as he was as a teenager, but he's still not clever. If Rashida had to marry one of our cousins I wish it'd been Umayr, he's a sensible bloke, but Umayr's been married for ten years, so that's no use.

At least Taslim's strong and fit. He'll be useful on the farm. Mum and Dad are looking frail these days. Mum especially. I know she's ill. Know she's seen the doctor. She brushes it all off, says she's fine, but I think she's in pain a lot of the time. I think she's dying. Think the doctor told her there's nothing that can be done, not for what she's got. Wish she'd talk to me. Wish she'd realise that she doesn't have to carry things alone, that I'm not a kid now. I don't need protecting. But maybe it makes her feel stronger to bear it alone. If it gives her courage to still be the strong one, then I won't stop her.

Lie back on the bed. Party's going on still downstairs, but I've given up for the night now. It's nice, being in my old bedroom, even if later on there'll be a bunch of other relatives crammed in here with me. My nephew Abdullah's asleep curled up like a dog at the end of the bed. He even twitches a bit in his sleep as he dreams, blanket tucked round him. Sweet kid, and I feel a painful sort of tenderness for a minute. Family, eh? Always feel guilty when I come back here. But I've got two families now, and I know where my duty lies. Still. It's hard.

[Closed]

Monday, noon, the abbey training yard

It's a milder day, but it's raining lightly. Still, I've been training for enough years that I don't mind the cold and wet, though it does make bare feet a bit treacherous. Still, I'm trying to keep my mind clear and calm, and exercise helps. I trained the novices this morning as usual, and now I've got a bit of time to myself to run through some tai chi chuan movements. I've been trying to perfect the 49 form for a long time now. I'm good at all the punching business, but the delicate stuff like the Needle at Sea Bottom, that's not as graceful as I'd like. I make a mistake at the Single Whip, and I sigh and go back to the beginning. So bloody close that time.

It's hard to do this if you're not concentrating, and I'm trying. Keep coming back to the conversation I had with Rashida yesterday before I came back to the abbey. I stayed the rest of Saturday, even after Mum got her memory back, just to make sure she was alright, but come Sunday morning I knew people'd be worrying about me, and besides - my life is at the abbey now. Rashida got this tight look when I said I was going.

"I got an idea," she said, once I lost my temper and asked her what her problem was, she knows I don't live on the farm now and I haven't in a decade, "of what it'll be like when Mum and Dad are really old. They're already getting that way, and it'll just be me looking out for them. Cos you - you'll only be here if you forget about your bloody goddess, and it took some damn magic spell to make that happen."

I try, I told her. I try to be here and to help - I help with the harvest, I visit a couple of times a month. But I made a vow, and my first duty now is to Nanshe and her people.

"I'd think," said Rashida, "that a goddess of widows and orphans would want you to look out for your family." And there wasn't much I could say to that. Then Rashida told me she'd written to Taslim to say that she'll marry him. He'll come over when the weather's cleared up and he'll move onto the farm. And that'll be that. My sister, marrying my stupid cousin who she sees twice a year at most. What could I say that hadn't already been said? So I just said I hoped they'd be happy. I suppose they've got as much of a chance of it as a lot of couples. Still, it makes me sad. And disappointed with myself, somehow, even though I know I've got the life I was meant to.

Having spent a couple of days thinking I was still in love with Concetta didn't help, either.

I wobble on the Golden Rooster move. Bloody stupid thing to imitate anyway, a cockerel. Stupid birds.

[OPEN to Isidore and visitors to the abbey more generally]

Early morning, Friday, the road back to Excolo

Noonday sun in my eyes on Wednesday and not a fucking clue what I was doing. Felt lightheaded, like I'd stood up too fast. Reckoned I must be on my way home, cos I recognised the road, though I swear, I swear it wasn't fucking winter. Last thing I remembered was having a raging fight with Concetta - about the abbey, mostly. Must have gone on a blinder cos I didn't remember what I'd done that morning. Anyway, so I went on home, still feeling lightheaded, and -

Almost didn't recognise Rashida when I got back. She'd aged about ten years, and I felt dizzy again, like I had a drink last night and I woke up today like - what's that bloke? Dick van Dyke? Rip van Winkle? Something like that. Like I've slept half my fucking life away. But I didn't have time to worry about that, cos Mum - She wasn't doing well. Not doing well at all. She was just...lying in bed, and she kept making this fucking gurgling sound like a baby. Just like a baby. Rashida said she'd been like that for an hour, one minute fine and the next like she'd had her brain wiped clean. And Dad... Looked fucking ancient for one thing, never seen him so frail, but I could cope with that, except then he managed to slip down the front steps worrying about Mum, and he sprained his ankle pretty badly and roughed his face up.

Pulled myself together as best I could, got him sorted out, and me and Rashida have been sitting up with Mum. Been a long day and a bit, and Rashida's barely talked to me. Said I haven't been to the house in weeks, and I don't know what she's talking about and I'm afraid to really ask. It's bad enough seeing Mum like this.

This morning I get up early and start walking out in the rain, cos I need to get to town and see if someone can come in who can help us. Times like this I wish we had a fucking doctor. Maybe someone at the abbey can help.

[OPEN]