It's like meeting God without dying.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

Monday, 19th April, morning

Had a lot on my mind since we all woke up. Trying to put a brave face on it for the community, but I keep coming back to it - what if Nanshe really is dead? I remember the dream I had where the pelican died, and I reckoned that'd be against the Tower but what if I was wrong?

People's spirits have been low all round. We've been trying to keep the juniors and the novices as busy as possible. And Ash has become the Abbot now. Reckon it's for the best. Need an official leader, cos Oya's never coming back. I was nominated, but I turned the nomination down. Didn't want a vote divided between me and Ash, and anywa, it's not the job I want. Ash's good at all that organisation stuff, really good, and he's got a calmer temper than me. Reckon he'll do a top job.

Bloody tired today, cos I've been doing a lot of dreaming these past couple of weeks, trying to see if I can find any sign of our Lady. No luck as yet. And now here I am at my loom, and I keep going wrong. Sigh and reset the shuttle.

[Open to Nanshe]

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[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

I knew, after I spoke to Damien, that I would have to come here. It took me a few days because I wanted to come dressed in something that wasn't the same borrowed shirt and skirt I have washed and rewashed. It's proud of me, perhaps. And so this week I did chores around the carnival, enough to get a simple linen dress (http://www.plussizethis.com/pictures/JJSeasideLinenDress.jpg) from yesterday's market. And last night one of the Grindhouse girls painted my hands with henna after I helped her dye her hair, a simple design (http://mehndipk.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Henna-hands1.jpg) that made me think of flowers blooming, things growing.

I hear the hum of the fields as I walk away from the town to the abbey, the farmlands beyond it calling out. I have kept them fertile, these past years. I still can now, but I think it will take some physical sacrifice to do it if I am bound in flesh. I could leave it to chance, of course; this is good land, and the fields might do very well by themselves. But I try to answer prayers when I can, and this much I can still do.

I seek out Nanse-kam when I arrive. A young monk points me in the direction of the weaving shed, and I go there.

"Brother Nanse-kam," I say over the hum and clack of the loom. It's strange to see him in body; I know his face so well and not at all.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

"Brother Nanse-kam," says a voice, and surprised I let go of the warp thread.

"Bollocks," I say. "What'd you want?" Look round and see a woman. There's something vaguely familiar about her. "I'm sorry," I say. "Have we met? I've got a bad head for names."

"I'm Noma," she says. "We have met, but it was some time ago. I want to talk to you about Nanshe."

I dunno that I'm in the mood to talk theology, especially since I'm in the middle of a job, but we should never turn people away, so I nod and get up.

"Noma," I say. Pretty sure I don't know anyone by that name, but something about it itches at me. "I'd be glad to chat about our Lady. Why don't you come to the Chapterhouse - it's a bit more comfortable."

Guide her across the training yard and offer her a seat once we get inside.

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

I sit down and look at him, my priest, who I have loved so long.

"So Noma," he says, "where did we meet? I'm embarrassed I don't remember."

"When you were seventeen," I say, "you had a dream of a shattered face on the waters, and afterwards you went to Oya."

The room has gone very still; I can hear his breathing.