"The beast inside me is caged by frail and fragile bars."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

[Saturday, September 20th (day 482)]
[The White Chapel, morning]

I wake up and my head is cottony, and crowded. There's not enough room inside, anymore. Nothing changed -- her and me and my body, our body, where we live, it's still the same -- except that I can remember what it was like, when it was quiet, and I want to cry when I open my eyes and the noise pours in with the morning light.

Not knowing was better, easier too, and I can try to pretend it never happened, except that she's laughing and I know neither one of us is fooled. "Go away," I say, to the weight behind my eyes. "Leave me alone." A thief, with a name that's not hers to take and memories that aren't hers to keep, and I hate her. Just a second, just as quick as a blink, but the pitcher explodes in the basin anyway and I have to clean up the water before I get dressed. I hide the broken pieces under the bed and I hide the anger in the back of my head, and when I go downstairs for breakfast I can smile like I'm supposed to.

[Open to Hermia]

[CLOSED]

Comments

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"No men are coming for Alice. Not like that. Not in this house." Lies. She lies. "She has been here for months, and nobody has. And nobody will. And I am still not afraid of Alice, and I still love her."

"Father loved her. Father should have been afraid."

The table is shaking now, under the hands. I do not understand. I am not doing this. I am--

No.

"Do you want to see? What she did to him?"

The cabinets shake. The windows.

No.

She is weak. I am strong. She is weak. I am--

The chair flies back. The head slams against the floor. I am-- Gone.

~~~~~

No!

I'm swimming, up and up and out. My head hurts, when I open my eyes, but it's my head and my hurt and so it's okay, I'm okay. Hermia is okay... Oh no!

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry sorry sorry." Away from the chair and on to my feet and I want to run, I'll run and no one will ever catch me, ever ever, except that means Hermia won't either and she can't love me if she can't catch me and... And she loves me. She said so.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

Glasses and plates clink and shudder in the cabinets. Wood clacks on wood as the table trembles. Is this what Carol did to the people who tried to hurt Alice?

Carol's face - Alice's face - is twisted in fear and anger and confusion, the eyes closing -

- and the chair whacks down onto the floor with a sickening crack of Alice's head.

"Alice!" The name leaps from me in my fear, even though I do not know which of them has fallen. I spring to my feet and rush towards her - and now I am truly afraid, for now I fear that Alice is hurt.

It is Alice when she rises, for she is sobbing, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry sorry sorry."

How I wish that that were not so certain a way to tell that it was Alice! How I wish that she did not feel that she had to apologize for hurting herself!

"Oh, my darling, are you all right? There's nothing to be sorry for!" I make certain to say next. "Nothing at all. It isn't your fault, none of it." My arms go out to circle her in a hug - but the circle does not close. If she pulls away, I will let her go.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

I hear Hermia but she's still far away so the words are faded and gray when they get to me. I'm still floating, maybe, until she opens her arms and I crash into her with my arms around her waist and the world feels solid again. "Won't let her hurt you," I say, even if she can't hear me with my face pressed against her dress. "Promise. Won't let anybody." Ever, ever, ever. She loves me.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

She flings herself at me, and I hug her back, as if I could shield her with my body from the pain that comes from inside her mind. "It's all right," I murmur, cradling her head on my shoulder. "It's all right, Alice. You're safe here." I smooth back her hair, gentle over the place where her head hit the ground, but still holding tight with my arms around her shoulder. "I won't let her hurt you either. I promise. Not if there's anything I can do about it. You're safe. You're safe." I say it over and over, as if saying it more could make it more true.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

I feel her words against my hair and I close my eyes until I can hear them too. I'm safe. I'm safe and I believe her. I don't have to see her colors to know, that I'm safe and that she loves me and her dress is wet from the tears when I pull back. "I'm sorry. Your- Your dress and the dishes and--" I didn't mean to. I didn't, but I never mean to and that doesn't matter, the meaning, at the end when the fire comes and there's nobody left.

I wipe my face and look at Hermia. "Don't wanna hurt anybody. Not ever. And then I get angry and I do and... I'm sorry. I'll do better! I promise I will. I'll try!"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry. Your- Your dress and the dishes and--"

"It's all right. The dress will dry." I smooth down her hair, and give her a little smile as I say once more, "It's all right."

"Don't wanna hurt anybody. Not ever. And then I get angry and I do and... I'm sorry. I'll do better! I promise I will. I'll try!"

"I believe you," I say, my voice still soft, but my eyes meeting Alice's directly. I understand now, even more than before, how important it is for Alice to have people believe her, and to keep their promises - especially their promises to keep her safe.

"I believe you that you don't want to hurt anyone, and I believe you that it's not under your control, and I believe you that you're trying. But you don't have to do it alone, darling. It's a very very hard thing that you're trying to do, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do it on your own. Will you let me help you? I know some exercises to help you focus your mind, so that you can work on not losing control when you're angry." My magic is not the same as hers, not nearly - and I do not have Carol to contend with! - but it is something, at least. "May I tell Chester that you've been struggling, so that he can help you too? He's a very good teacher. But I won't tell him anything unless you say that you want me to."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"I believe you," she says, looking at me like she can see me, really see me, and I was holding my breath, I think, because it comes out all at once and I'm tired when it's gone. "I believe you that you don't want to hurt anyone, and I believe you that it's not under your control, and I believe you that you're trying."

I am. I am. I promise. "But you don't have to do it alone, darling. It's a very very hard thing that you're trying to do, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do it on your own. Will you let me help you? I know some exercises to help you focus your mind, so that you can work on not losing control when you're angry." I don't understand -- I'm sorry! -- but I nod anyway. That'd be nice, so nice not to be alone and not to be scared, but I don't understand why she would say it, why she would offer it... "May I tell Chester that you've been struggling, so that he can help you too? He's a very good teacher. But I won't tell him anything unless you say that you want me to."

"I... Okay." I have to look at her again, really look, like maybe there's more in her colors than in her words. But there isn't, nothing new or special, just the same colors for kindness and worry and all of it gone bright with her being different. I finish wiping my face with the bottom of my nightgown and shake my head so the cobwebs will go away, even if it's so much better now that it's gone quiet inside. "I, I'm not as smart, but I've been practicing what the big man showed me and I can learn other stuff too, I know I can, because I'll try really hard. You'll see. I'll practice every day." And I will. I really will. Just like before, and I'd forgotten about that and it makes me smile, even if it's not a very good smile. "Like reading! I was practicing every day and now I can do it. I can! I can read all sorts of things."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

She nods to my offer of help, but looks as if she doesn't quite believe me - she is far more used to adults lying to her than telling the truth, I suppose, and the realization breaks my heart all over again. It is not me that she cannot trust, it is all the adults who have lied to her in the past. So I will just have to prove that she can trust me. I keep my arms around her, holding her close and safe as I say, "Thank you. I'll talk to Chester, then. And tomorrow, perhaps, we can start our lessons? Today I think we all need to rest," I add, smoothing down her hair again.

"I... Okay." I have to look at her again, really look, like maybe there's more in her colors than in her words. But there isn't, nothing new or special, just the same colors for kindness and worry and all of it gone bright with her being different. I finish wiping my face with the bottom of my nightgown and shake my head so the cobwebs will go away, even if it's so much better now that it's gone quiet inside. "I, I'm not as smart, but I've been practicing what the big man showed me and I can learn other stuff too, I know I can, because I'll try really hard. You'll see. I'll practice every day." And I will. I really will. Just like before, and I'd forgotten about that and it makes me smile, even if it's not a very good smile. "Like reading! I was practicing every day and now I can do it. I can! I can read all sorts of things."

"Yes, you can," I agree, smiling back to encourage the tiny hint of a smile that Alice has finally finally managed. "You've worked very hard, and you've done very well. Learning how to control your talent is going to be like reading, in a way - a lot of little pieces, each of them simple, but adding up to something larger and more difficult. So you'll need to keep practicing the way you've practiced your reading. But I'll help you, and Chester will help you. You are smart, and you can learn this. I know you can."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

She thinks I'm smart. And I know it's not true but I know she believes it too, so I smile. "We'll practice tomorrow?" I ask, because I'm scared but I'm excited at the same time. I want her to see that I can do it. She'll be so happy then!

But not if I mess up. The idea comes all of a sudden, bright behind my eyes. "Hermia?" I don't look at her, and it's easier to talk that way, just looking down at her dress. "Is that why Micah had to leave? Because... Because he couldn't control his... How he's different, I mean." Micah was smart. If he couldn't learn the right things, I don't know how I'll do it.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"We'll practice tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," I agree, my own smile growing to see such hope and joy on Alice's face.

But then she breaks away, eyes sad and shoulders tightening into a slump, and I can almost feel the fear rising up in her again, even as I hug her gently closer.

"Hermia?" I don't look at her, and it's easier to talk that way, just looking down at her dress. "Is that why Micah had to leave? Because... Because he couldn't control his... How he's different, I mean."

Micah. Tez.

"It wasn't safe for him to live here. He has more power than he can control, and he wasn't trying..."

…and oh dear, what sort of corner have I talked myself into now? Where will Alice think that this path leads?

I look swiftly down again, trying to catch Alice's eyes. "Alice, I promise that we will not send you away. Even if you can't control your power, we won't send you away. We'll find another way to help you. We love you and will keep you and take care of you no matter what. I swear it. You were our foster-daughter before any of this, and you still will be no matter what happens."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"It wasn't safe for him to live here. He has more power than he can control, and he wasn't trying..." But he was! I know he was! Wasn't he? "Alice, I promise that we will not send you away. Even if you can't control your power, we won't send you away. We'll find another way to help you. We love you and will keep you and take care of you no matter what. I swear it. You were our foster-daughter before any of this, and you still will be no matter what happens." I feel her looking at me, and I'm looking down, all while the words come and--

"Daughter?" Then she's back. I can feel her too, in the room and in my head and watching. But I ignore her, I push her away, and I look at Hermia. "But I... I thought..." I don't understand, I don't, and it doesn't mean anything, I was my father's daughter and my mother before me... Except somehow this is different, could be different. When I open my mouth again, my words come out so small. "Does that mean I can't marry Valmont?"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

I want to laugh and cry all at the same time, but I must not do either, because for Alice it is so very very serious, and because I must give her a clear answer on this.

"You already couldn't, Alice," I say very gently, "because he's already married to me, and we believe that you can only be married to one person at a time. But, yes, we do think of you as our daughter. Both of us do. We love you and feel responsible for taking care of you."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"You already couldn't, Alice," she says, "because he's already married to me, and we believe that you can only be married to one person at a time. But, yes, we do think of you as our daughter. Both of us do. We love you and feel responsible for taking care of you."

And it's not fair. I would have been a good wife to him, I would have! Valmont would have been good to me to, the way he is with Hermia, he would have been so kind to me, and--

Wait. "Valmont said I could marry who I wanted," I start, going slow. "So... If I can't marry him, can I just... Not marry anybody right now?" Anybody I wanted, that's what he said, so that should mean nobody too, right?

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Of course!" It bursts out of me before I can call it back or gentle it as I have with my other words. But perhaps, I think - as soon as I can think - it is good for Alice to hear my answer so emphatically.

"You don't have to marry anyone at all right now," I continue, calmer and steadier now. "Not right now, or not ever, if you don't want to. When you get older, I hope that you will meet someone and fall in love and want to be married, the way Valmont and I have, but that doesn't have to be for a very very long time. And if someone asks you to marry them and you don't want to, you can say no. We will never ask you to marry anyone you don't want to marry, darling."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"Of course!" she says, and I take a step back. I blink at her. "You don't have to marry anyone at all right now. Not right now, or not ever, if you don't want to. When you get older, I hope that you will meet someone and fall in love and want to be married, the way Valmont and I have, but that doesn't have to be for a very very long time. And if someone asks you to marry them and you don't want to, you can say no. We will never ask you to marry anyone you don't want to marry, darling."

I listen. And I think. I think for a long time. "That means..." I don't know, I don't know, except that I do, if I let myself. It's a horrible thought, it hurts me to think it -- BAD -- and it hurts me more that I like it, that I want it. I want it. I look at Hermia. "I won't belong to anyone. I'm your daughter, but after... I won't belong to anyone."

Then I smile. "I could belong to me." It's scary, it's so scary, because it's so wide-open, all the things I could do or say or be if I was the one making the decisions.

I right my chair, sit back down at the table, and pour half of the sugar in my cup. "Good." Scary, but good.