"The beast inside me is caged by frail and fragile bars."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

[Saturday, September 20th (day 482)]
[The White Chapel, morning]

I wake up and my head is cottony, and crowded. There's not enough room inside, anymore. Nothing changed -- her and me and my body, our body, where we live, it's still the same -- except that I can remember what it was like, when it was quiet, and I want to cry when I open my eyes and the noise pours in with the morning light.

Not knowing was better, easier too, and I can try to pretend it never happened, except that she's laughing and I know neither one of us is fooled. "Go away," I say, to the weight behind my eyes. "Leave me alone." A thief, with a name that's not hers to take and memories that aren't hers to keep, and I hate her. Just a second, just as quick as a blink, but the pitcher explodes in the basin anyway and I have to clean up the water before I get dressed. I hide the broken pieces under the bed and I hide the anger in the back of my head, and when I go downstairs for breakfast I can smile like I'm supposed to.

[Open to Hermia]

[CLOSED]

Comments

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

We've had a sleep - a true sleep, with only the sort of dreams that you do not remember save for knowing that you have had them. I am still exhausted enough that I rise later than I usually do, but it is Saturday, and I doubt that the library will see many visitors today - and moreover, I know that Lydia, of all people, will understand if I am too tired to open on time after what I have done.

I find another dress that is loose enough to fit - I must get new ones soon, but it will be such a chore! I can manage for a little while yet - and set myself in order. It feels like a year or more since I have gotten ready to go to the library, even though it was only two days ago.

Valmont is still sleeping when I slip out, and I know from the look on his dear face that his dreams are peaceful, too.

When I get to the kitchen, I find that Alice is awake before me, which I had not expected. "Good morning, darling. How are you feeling?" I ask it, even though I can see the strain in her eyes, and I already know that something is not right. I go over to her, leaning down to offer a kiss to her forehead. I do not know what she went through yesterday, with that strange other-self, but I do not want to push if she is not ready to speak of it.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

I look up when I hear her -- them -- coming down the hall. "Good morning, darling. How are you feeling?"

"Too small." I look back at my bowl. "But mostly just real tired." Tired even though it feels like I've been sleeping forever.

I take another bite. "My oatmeal is cold." I just made it, though. Just now. I made it and sat down. I look at Hermia again, and there's another voice in my ear. "Excolo isn't a real place, is it?"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Too small." I look back at my bowl. "But mostly just real tired."

Too small? Does she mean, too small only having herself, instead of the other girl who was with her? Too small for the power that she holds? (the power which I must start helping her learn about and control!) But it makes sense to Alice, and that's what counts right now. "I understand," I say, because I might, after all. "We're all tired." I plant the kiss gently on her forehead and turn away again to start the coffee.

"My oatmeal is cold."

"Would you like me to warm it up for you?" I ask over my shoulder as I cut bread from a thick loaf - goodness, I hadn't realized how hungry I was!

"Excolo isn't a real place, is it?"

It comes out of nowhere, half a second after she asks about oatmeal. What is going on in Alice's sad labyrinth of a mind to lead her there? I set the knife down, and turn to face her fully. A question like that deserves all of my attention, and a great deal of thought, as well, for I am certain that she can sense more magic than she realizes, and she may have seen things whose meaning she does not fully understand.

"Excolo is a different sort of place than most," I begin, choosing my words very carefully, "but it's real. More real now than it was yesterday, even, because there won't be any more problems like there were yesterday. What sort of things did you have in mind that made you wonder whether it was real?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Hermia kisses my head and I smile, because that's what you're supposed to do. "Can I have coffee?" I ask, and I let the spoon drop back in the bowl of oatmeal. "Coffee's warm."

"Excolo is a different sort of place than most," she says and she's looking right at me, so that I want to squirm around in my chair, "but it's real." I nod and it's quiet. The air is listening.

"More real now than it was yesterday, even, because there won't be any more problems like there were yesterday. What sort of things did you have in mind that made you wonder whether it was real?"

I gotta think about that, because the answer isn't right there for me to see. I got think and find it. I gotta listen. "It shouldn't be real." This place. People like us. All the wrong things come together here. I shake my head, and shake the thought away too. Another one comes up and takes its place, words in my ear for me to say. "Maybe... Maybe it's too real. Maybe that's what's wrong."

I look at her, look at the parts of her that are real and not the parts that are just there. Hermia. All kindness and concern and the colors I can just almost see, in her belly. "I... I see things. Real things. Not everybody sees what's real, but I do." They don't look, I think. Their eyes work, but they don't look. "There's a lot to see in Excolo. There's a lot of... Real things."

I listen again. "Was yesterday real?"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Can I have coffee?" I ask, and I let the spoon drop back in the bowl of oatmeal. "Coffee's warm."

"If you like," I smile. "It will be ready in a moment."

"It shouldn't be real." This place. People like us. All the wrong things come together here. I shake my head, and shake the thought away too. Another one comes up and takes its place, words in my ear for me to say. "Maybe... Maybe it's too real. Maybe that's what's wrong."

"It might be that it's too real, yes," I say, quiet and serious. "Things happen in Excolo that don't happen elsewhere. Things that stay hidden from most people, but we can see. I don't think that it's something wrong with Excolo, though. Not all of the strange things that happen here are bad. Many of them are helpful and good."

Jack's protection. Nu's midwife magic. Lydia's ethereal help. Lucien's healing and Nanshe's favor - there is a painful tug on my heart as I think of them. And now, my magic, and Syl's, and Damien's, called up to protect the town.

Alice is watching me very very intently. Staring at eyes, my head, my heart, my belly - oh my, I wonder what she sees there, for I do not think that she is only looking at the way my dress strains a little at its buttons. Staring, staring - but I do not look away. I do not know if this chance will ever come again, when Alice will ask me such questions openly. I want to return her trust with as much honesty as I can.

"I... I see things. Real things. Not everybody sees what's real, but I do." They don't look, I think. Their eyes work, but they don't look. "There's a lot to see in Excolo. There's a lot of... Real things." I listen again. "Was yesterday real?"

Was that other girl real, does she mean? And Valmont's mother - oh, I pray that Alice did not have to see her!

"Yes, it was. It was…people and things that should not have been real, but were made real. Things from our dreams that became part of the world. But it's over now, and it can't hurt you any more," I make sure to say, very gently. And then, more gently still, "Are those the sorts of things that you see, darling, when you see what's real? What do you see?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Hermia says I can have coffee -- not hot chocolate, but real coffee -- and that makes me smile, a little bit. "It might be that it's too real, yes," she says. "Things happen in Excolo that don't happen elsewhere. Things that stay hidden from most people, but we can see. I don't think that it's something wrong with Excolo, though. Not all of the strange things that happen here are bad. Many of them are helpful and good."

Different things are bad, that's why they are different, so I don't understand how they could be good and helpful. I don't say anything, though, because that would be rude and because Hermia is so nice.

"Yes, it was. It was…people and things that should not have been real, but were made real." Things that should not be real. And I don't look, I won't, even though I can feel her eyes on the back of my head, and I can feel her looking at Hermia through my eyes. "Things from our dreams that became part of the world. But it's over now, and it can't hurt you any more."

It could not hurt you.

Nothing can hurt me.

I look back at my oatmeal. "Are those the sorts of things that you see, darling, when you see what's real? What do you see?"

"Everything." Things that are there. The words are hard to find and I'm grabbing at them, trying, and waiting for the voice again. I'm not supposed to say, I know. "What things really are. What people really are." But she's quiet. So I keep talking. "Things people are feeling. Or thinking about, sometimes. It's in their colors. Just sometimes I don't know what the colors mean, or maybe some colors are too big so I can't see the others."

I look beside me and she's there, even though she's not saying anything. She's there and she's just staring, looking at Hermia. I don't like that, it hurts my stomach, her doing that. Leave her alone. Shouldn't be real, Hermia said so.

Hermia also said strange things can be good things, too.

"A lot of people here have big colors. Bigger than being happy or sad or just thinking about things. Like--" I'm not supposed to say, I'm not. And she's not stopping me. And Hermia's asking. And her colors aren't mad at all. Asking and wanting to know and nobody stopping me from saying. "The star lady is the biggest. Her color is too bright. It used to hurt my eyes, but not anymore." Nothing hurts me anymore. "Chester's colors are hard to see, too, but that's because they are made of air. The big man doesn't have any colors at all. Because he's made of night and shadows that are thick like a blanket."

I don't want the oatmeal, but I poke at it a little bit and then push the bowl away. "I told Doctor Constantine and Mister Shadowman. They said it was okay. They- they said I wouldn't get in trouble." That makes me sad, but I don't know why. "They said lots of people can see things here so it's okay."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

My breath catches. True sight. Or something very like it. No wonder her mind wanders; no wonder she always seems to be looking at something just out of sight - it is because she is looking at things that nobody else can see. I have read about this talent, but it is so rare that I never hoped to meet someone who had it - and here is someone in my own kitchen, sharing my coffee.

"They were right," is what I say first. "You won't get in trouble at all, darling, and I'm very glad that you told me. Thank you for that. You never have to fear that you will be in trouble for telling me and Valmont the truth. Especially if you are frightened or confused - we will never punish you for that.

"And they were right that many people in this town can see things, and many people can do things that are…unusual. I can, myself. And Dr. Constantine could do very unusual things, so he would know very well." Gaueko, I say nothing about. I hope that Alice will never take lessons from him again - she will not if I have anything to say about it.

And, anyway, I have to stop and swallow hard when I think of Lucien. But I do not cry this time, and I push on. "The reason that you see so much air about Chester is that you can see his true nature. He's an air spirit, even though he looks like a cat. And…who is the star lady?" That is my own curiosity, but it is not as important to ask that as to tell Alice, "Your talent is very rare, Alice. Rare and good. I understand that it must be frightening sometimes, when you see things and don't know what they mean, or feel that you can't control it. But being able to see feelings and colors - that isn't bad. Truly, it isn't. It's good, and useful, and special. And now that you know what you can do, you can learn how to use it, and you can help people with it."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"They were right," she says and I was holding my breath so I let that out. "You won't get in trouble at all, darling, and I'm very glad that you told me. Thank you for that. You never have to fear that you will be in trouble for telling me and Valmont the truth. Especially if you are frightened or confused - we will never punish you for that."

Laughing. She's laughing. I shake my head. I won't even listen, can't make me listen, not with the nice things Hermia is saying. Can't make me -- not the truth, no -- can't make me hear.

"And they were right that many people in this town can see things, and many people can do things that are…unusual. I can, myself. And Dr. Constantine could do very unusual things, so he would know very well."

Could. Could do things. In the past.

I look at Hermia and she knows, that he lives in the yesterdays now. I want to cry. But with all the people that live there, the tears would run out and there'd be nothing left of me. "Is Mister Shadowman dead, too?" is what I end up asking, because if one dies then maybe the other doesn't. Maybe... I feel her eyes on me again and I'm happy when we're talking about something else.

"The reason that you see so much air about Chester is that you can see his true nature. He's an air spirit, even though he looks like a cat. And…who is the star lady?"

"Chester is really funny. He showed me how to see other places. But it made me dizzy and I didn't want to throw up. Did he teach you things? Is that why your colors are different?" I wonder if he belongs to her. Not her to him, I know that. She belongs to Valmont, even if I can't see it on her. "The star lady lives in the tower." I look at Hermia. "You shouldn't go there. Your eyes will get hurt, looking at the sun."

I wouldn't let the star lady hurt Hermia.

"Your talent is very rare, Alice. Rare and good." Good. A good thing. Good. I say the word over and over in my head, and it's louder than anything else that's being said, inside, so it's all I hear. "I understand that it must be frightening sometimes, when you see things and don't know what they mean, or feel that you can't control it. But being able to see feelings and colors - that isn't bad. Truly, it isn't. It's good, and useful, and special. And now that you know what you can do, you can learn how to use it, and you can help people with it."

"People would like me? If I helped them?" She's not lying. I could see in her colors if she was lying. And she's not. I'm good. And special. And rare. And could help people. And then they'll like me and not want to hurt me--

Lies

No. She said so, she said-- "What if I hurt people?" comes then, but out of my mouth instead of in my ear. "Am I good?"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Yes, darling. He's gone too. I'm sorry." I smooth back her hair gently from her forehead. I wish she hadn't had to know this grief already - but, then, with her talents, how could I think that she would not know what had happened to Lucien?

I give her one more light touch on the shoulder, and then step back to pour the coffee while Alice speaks of Chester. Let her take what happy distraction she can find - and let her ask questions, as many as she wants.

"Chester is really funny. He showed me how to see other places. But it made me dizzy and I didn't want to throw up. Did he teach you things? Is that why your colors are different?"

"Yes. He's been teaching me a great deal about magic." I set down the coffee in front of Alice, and the plate of bread and butter between us, and draw the milk and sugar over so that I can add it to my own coffee - and, I hope, so that Alice will get the hint that she might like it better if she puts it in hers.

"I hadn't thought that it would change the way my colors looked," I realize, with a curious little smile as I stir sugar into my coffee, "but I suppose it makes sense that it does." Not that I had given any thought to my colors before Alice mentioned being able to see them, but now that she has mentioned it, I cannot think of anything else. "He's a very good teacher. If you want to learn more from him, he'll make certain that you learn well."

"The star lady lives in the tower." I look at Hermia. "You shouldn't go there. Your eyes will get hurt, looking at the sun."

The Tower. The thing in the Tower. No wonder its power looked so much stronger to her. Ice is running through me, sharp cold fear at the thought of Alice being in the Tower, but I must not - must not! - let any of it out as anger, or even sharpness.

I draw a long slow breath, and say, quiet and careful and even, "That's true for you as well, Alice. The Tower…the creature who lives there is very very powerful, and…not always kind. Please stay away from there from now on. I don't want you to get hurt."

"People would like me? If I helped them?"

"People will like you for yourself. Valmont and I have loved you all this time, haven't we? Helping is just a good thing to do. If you have the power to help other people, then you should use it for that purpose.

"What if I hurt people?" comes then, but out of my mouth instead of in my ear. "Am I good?"

"Yes, you are good, Alice." I say it very steadily, meeting her eyes straight on. Does she see the colors of truth, of firm belief? I hope so. "Truly, you are. I don't think that you would hurt people on purpose." I think of the boy - Micah. Tez - flung across the stable by Alice's power, of Alice stunned and terrified… "Sometimes accidents happen, especially when we are young and just learning how to do things. But I don't believe that you would want to hurt anyone."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"Yes, darling. He's gone too. I'm sorry." So both of them together. I was hoping... But no, hoping is just wishing. And I'm an adult now. No more wishing. Even if I do close my eyes when she touches me, just for a second pretending it doesn't hurt.

I tell her about Chester and she's happy, not upset, that I know about her being different. It makes me smile, just a little bit. "Yes. He's been teaching me a great deal about magic." She puts down the coffee and some bread, too. I'm not hungry, anymore, so I just take the coffee, with the mug hot in my hands.

"I hadn't thought that it would change the way my colors looked, but I suppose it makes sense that it does." she says, putting sugar in her coffee. I look down at my cup. Sugar's always something good to add, I think. Most things could do with more sugar. "He's a very good teacher. If you want to learn more from him, he'll make certain that you learn well."

"I'm better now." In case she was worried. I don't want her to be worried. Or to think I'm just a little kid, because it used to scare me so much. "Things don't hurt my eyes anymore. Not even the star lady."

But we're not supposed to talk about the tower, I see that just as soon as we do, I see her colors get bright just like the thing that lives there, bright and sharp. "That's true for you as well, Alice. The Tower…the creature who lives there is very very powerful, and…not always kind. Please stay away from there from now on. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm not scared of it." Not scared of anything. Not really. And even if I am scared, even if, it's still okay. I belong to the big man. All that light can't get to me, if I'm in the shadows. "But I don't go there. I won't, I mean."

I don't want her sore at me. It doesn't look like she is, when she tells me-- About her and Valmont. Loving me. And then I don't know what she looks like, because I'm not looking that way.

Maybe that's why it comes out, when I'm not paying attention. And I can't take it back. She said it, not me, but I still can't take it back.

"Yes, you are good, Alice." I look up, I have to. I have to see her when she says that. "Truly, you are. I don't think that you would hurt people on purpose." I see her, and I see the truth behind her words. Not a lie. No. And if Hermia believes it... That makes it true, doesn't it? "Sometimes accidents happen, especially when we are young and just learning how to do things. But I don't believe that you would want to hurt anyone."

Yes you do.

"We can control it now!" She just said she loves me, her and Valmont. And that's I'm good. Special. She said all those things and so she won't make me leave, not if she knows it's okay now. "I can. I promise I can. I didn't mean to--" Then the words just come tumbling out. "I didn't mean to hurt anybody and I didn't mean to hurt Micah either and then I g-got scared and I couldn't stop but the big man showed me, I promise, he helped me and I can stop it." I can control it. And nobody will hurt her or us or anybody. I promise that, too.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"I'm better now." In case she was worried. I don't want her to be worried. Or to think I'm just a little kid, because it used to scare me so much. "Things don't hurt my eyes anymore. Not even the star lady."

"Then I'm glad," I say, between bites of bread. "What changed, to make it better? Did you do something?"

It is the usual rhythm of an Alice-conversation, all twists and turns and leaps around corners that in her mind make a straight line, and the rest of us must simply try to follow as best we can. But this time, I have a few more clues as to where I must go - Ariadne leading me through the labyrinth.

"I'm not scared of it." Not scared of anything. Not really. And even if I am scared, even if, it's still okay. I belong to the big man. All that light can't get to me, if I'm in the shadows. "But I don't go there. I won't, I mean."

"There's nothing wrong in being afraid. And I'm not angry at you for going there before," I make certain to add. "You didn't know yet that I didn't want you to go there, so you can't be blamed for it. But please, never go again."

No wonder the gods and powerful creatures are interested in Alice - no wonder Gaueko and the thing in the Tower are circling about her. And Tez - who knows what he could sense, even as he is. We must work even harder to keep her safe than we did before...

"We can control it now!" She just said she loves me, her and Valmont. And that's I'm good. Special. She said all those things and so she won't make me leave, not if she knows it's okay now. "I can. I promise I can. I didn't mean to--" Then the words just come tumbling out. "I didn't mean to hurt anybody and I didn't mean to hurt Micah either and then I g-got scared and I couldn't stop but the big man showed me, I promise, he helped me and I can stop it."

"That's exactly what I meant," I reassure her. "I know that you didn't mean to do what you did, and that you didn't want to hurt Micah. You were sorry when it happened, and then you learned and worked so that it wouldn't happen again. There's no shame in making mistakes - the real test is in what we do after we've made a mistake. I can speak to Chester, if you like, and see if he can teach you some more."

Better Chester than her 'big man', certainly! The less time she spends around Gaueko, the happier I will be. Sending Alice to a cat rather than a dog - something about it might make me want to laugh, if it were not so serious.

But there is something else tugging at me, something else about what she said, making the thoughts spin around and around in my mind. The other girl, Carol. The questions about what is real and what is not. Feeling too small to hold everything. The moments when Alice seems to be listening to something far away.

"When you say 'we' can control it, who's 'we'?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"What changed, to make it better? Did you do something?"

"My eyes got burnt up," I tell her, looking at the bread again. "The star lady got mad, that's what the big man said. And it was the day time, so his friend had to help." I'm not hungry. I wish we had cake. I'd be hungry for cake. "My eyes didn't hurt anymore after that." I shrug.

But then the wrong words keep coming out and Hermia keeps finding them.

"That's exactly what I meant," she says. "I know that you didn't mean to do what you did, and that you didn't want to hurt Micah. You were sorry when it happened, and then you learned and worked so that it wouldn't happen again." She knows. She knows about Micah and the woods and everything. And she isn't sore, not at all. "There's no shame in making mistakes - the real test is in what we do after we've made a mistake. I can speak to Chester, if you like, and see if he can teach you some more."

I nod -- I can't find any words to say -- and let go of the mug because it's so hot and I was holding it too tight. It's probably good to drink now. I smell it and then I think about the sugar. Probably good to add the sugar. I get in three spoonfuls; three is good, but maybe five...

"When you say 'we' can control it, who's 'we'?"

The spoon falls into the mug and the mug falls onto the table and it's all so loud, metal against ceramic against wood, even though nothing's broken. My hands are shaking. I can't, I'm not supposed to...

I look at Hermia. Open and waiting and listening. Hermia, who knew about Micah and didn't get mad at all. Hermia, who... My name. No! No. Not her name to take, it's not. "She's not real. You... You said so, you said dreams aren't--" And then I blink, and I'm so tired, and I can't talk anymore because I'm falling away.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

The star lady burned her eyes? The thing in the Tower burned Alice?

For a second I want to go charging over to the Tower myself, to shake the creature inside it and make it tell me what it did to our girl - but, no, I cannot.

And anyway, at my next question, the spoon and mug clatter to the table with a harsh sound, and Alice is all trembling and pale.

"I won't be angry at you for something that you can't help," I tell her first, very swiftly.

I've said that more times than I can count, since Alice came to live with us. I won't be angry at you for tripping and falling; I won't be angry at you for dropping a glass; I won't be angry at you for not being able to sleep.

A thousand reassurances, a thousand moments of fuming inside at the people who did this to our girl, who made her feel so afraid and worthless that she doesn't know that mistakes are human. A thousand moments of wanting to hug Alice - as I do now - but not, for I know that she hates it.

"And…perhaps I made a mistake, when I said that dreams weren't real. We dream of things that are real, after all. People we know, places we've been. They're real when they're in the world, even if they're not real when they're in our dreams." I take a breath, and say, very carefully, "Is she the one who has been helping you control it?"

The other girl. Carol. The angry one. The one who looks like Alice but with different eyes. The one who is making Alice ask whether everything that happened yesterday was real.

Alice feels too small, because she is two people in one body.

And, dear gods, what shall we do with the other one?

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"I won't be angry at you for something that you can't help," I hear from far away and I could, I could help it, not with Micah, but before... In the before I barely remember, I could help it. I wanted it.

"And…perhaps I made a mistake, when I said that dreams weren't real. We dream of things that are real, after all. People we know, places we've been. They're real when they're in the world, even if they're not real when they're in our dreams." I'm trying to find my way back, trying to follow her voice, but I feel lost. Away. "Is she the one who has been helping you control it?" And I'm not alone.

"Yes," I say, small and far away. I don't know if Hermia can hear me. I close my eyes. "No." And that's far away, too. I open my eyes and I can see my own lips move, for just a second. I can watch myself because I'm outside. "I control it."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Yes," she says, and then "No." - colder, harder, and when the eyes open again, they are not the same. Not Alice, not my dear confused girl. "I control it."

"Carol," I reply quietly. "So you…take control, when Alice is trying to focus her powers?" Where is she? Where is Alice? How can I bring her back?

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

My name. The woman says my name.

"So you…take control, when Alice is trying to focus her powers?"

I watch her in silence. I watch her breathe. I watch her blink. The woman who knows my name. "No." I tilt the head to the side. I feel the wood of the table under the hands. Real. "She hides. She is afraid. I am not afraid." The mouth smiles. I smile. "She is weak. I am not weak."

Her voice comes from a place far behind me. I do not listen. She is not important now.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

Careful. Careful.

"It sounds as if you don't have a very high opinion of her," I say mildly. She is in there somewhere, my Alice, somewhere behind this other person. And who is this other person? What does she do, when my Alice is gone? Why is she there? Is she hurting Alice? I fear so, from the way Alice feels about her and from the way her eyes harden as she stares at me...

"Carol, what do you want?" We'll start there. Simple, straightforward, testing.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"Carol, what do you want?"

What do I want? What do I want? I know what I do. That is all. That it all there is and has ever been. "I protect her." And this woman, who knows my name, and who asks about wants... "Do you understand?" This woman, who would call herself mother. There is only one name for mother. It is my name. "You should be afraid." They should all be afraid.

I think of her dog. Gaueko. I think of him laughing at me. I think of his skin bubbling and blackening and falling from his bones. I will make her watch. Then she will understand. That it has always been her.

"You should be afraid of her."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"I'm not," I say simply.

I might fear Alice's power; I do fear for her. But I do not fear Alice. And if Carol is…a spirit who protects Alice, and hurts those who hurt Alice? Is that what she is? If so, then I do not fear her either, for I will never hurt Alice, not if I can help it.

Whether Carol believes that is far from certain, though, and that is the only reason that fear threads through me, thin and icy-cold. If Carol decides that I am lying; if she thinks that everyone who is not Alice is trying to hurt Alice…well, I will just have to convince her. Or try to.

I wish Valmont were here.

I wish Alice were here.

"I am not afraid of her, and not afraid of you. I want to protect Alice, too, so we have the same goal. That means that I have nothing to fear from you, do I? And I love Alice, so I am not afraid of her, either."

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"I'm not."

Then you are a fool. A dead fool.

"I am not afraid of her, and not afraid of you. I want to protect Alice, too, so we have the same goal. That means that I have nothing to fear from you, do I?" We are not alike. Not at all. "And I love Alice, so I am not afraid of her, either."

"You can protect her from her dog?" I sit straighter in the chair. I raise my chin. "No." I look at the woman. "The women just watch. They do nothing. But I do." The woman who knows my name and says she loves when she doesn't. "When the men came for her, I killed them. I killed the women, too. I killed them last. Because they liked to watch."

It is not quiet, now. She is not sleeping. She is not hiding. But I am strong and she is weak. I stay. "When your men come, I will kill them too. And you can watch."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

It is Alice's voice and not Alice's voice, but still young and small enough that it sounds like the hiss of a kitten baring its claws. No, I do not fear Carol, for I know that I have done no harm to Alice, and will make certain that nobody else hurts her, either. If Carol could think at all clearly, she would see that.

But she cannot - she can only see through the lens of what has happened to Alice before, in that terrible place that we have never asked her about. That place where men did come for her. That place that made her think that the only way to keep herself safe - the only way to live - was to marry the man in the house where she lived.

My poor Alice, having that voice in her head all the time!

And having those memories, too.

My head spins and my heart aches as the pieces fall together. Valmont and I had thought that some sort of harm had come to Alice, some sort of harm of the kind that Carol is speaking of. But now I think…if Alice lashed out with that power that she cannot control - if Carol took over, and made Alice's body take action to kill people…no wonder Alice is so afraid of herself, and afraid of her own power, and afraid of Carol.

"No men are coming for Alice. Not like that. Not in this house." My voice is cold now, and flat with protective anger at the thought of people hurting Alice, now or in the past. I catch that warning note in my voice, and soften it carefully as I say, "She has been here for months, and nobody has. And nobody will. And I am still not afraid of Alice, and I still love her."

Will that make Alice come back? Can she hear me?

Dear gods, what if there is only Carol now? But, no - if Carol is telling the truth, then she has come out to protect Alice in the past, and then Alice has come back, so it is at least possible for Alice to come back. If Carol is convinced that the threat is gone, then will she go?

If only there were some way to take that voice out - to get Carol away from Alice. Like they were yesterday, except to send Carol away, so that she could not hold Alice back, could not hurt her, could not hurt anyone...

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"No men are coming for Alice. Not like that. Not in this house." Lies. She lies. "She has been here for months, and nobody has. And nobody will. And I am still not afraid of Alice, and I still love her."

"Father loved her. Father should have been afraid."

The table is shaking now, under the hands. I do not understand. I am not doing this. I am--

No.

"Do you want to see? What she did to him?"

The cabinets shake. The windows.

No.

She is weak. I am strong. She is weak. I am--

The chair flies back. The head slams against the floor. I am-- Gone.

~~~~~

No!

I'm swimming, up and up and out. My head hurts, when I open my eyes, but it's my head and my hurt and so it's okay, I'm okay. Hermia is okay... Oh no!

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry sorry sorry." Away from the chair and on to my feet and I want to run, I'll run and no one will ever catch me, ever ever, except that means Hermia won't either and she can't love me if she can't catch me and... And she loves me. She said so.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

Glasses and plates clink and shudder in the cabinets. Wood clacks on wood as the table trembles. Is this what Carol did to the people who tried to hurt Alice?

Carol's face - Alice's face - is twisted in fear and anger and confusion, the eyes closing -

- and the chair whacks down onto the floor with a sickening crack of Alice's head.

"Alice!" The name leaps from me in my fear, even though I do not know which of them has fallen. I spring to my feet and rush towards her - and now I am truly afraid, for now I fear that Alice is hurt.

It is Alice when she rises, for she is sobbing, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry sorry sorry."

How I wish that that were not so certain a way to tell that it was Alice! How I wish that she did not feel that she had to apologize for hurting herself!

"Oh, my darling, are you all right? There's nothing to be sorry for!" I make certain to say next. "Nothing at all. It isn't your fault, none of it." My arms go out to circle her in a hug - but the circle does not close. If she pulls away, I will let her go.

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I hear Hermia but she's still far away so the words are faded and gray when they get to me. I'm still floating, maybe, until she opens her arms and I crash into her with my arms around her waist and the world feels solid again. "Won't let her hurt you," I say, even if she can't hear me with my face pressed against her dress. "Promise. Won't let anybody." Ever, ever, ever. She loves me.

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She flings herself at me, and I hug her back, as if I could shield her with my body from the pain that comes from inside her mind. "It's all right," I murmur, cradling her head on my shoulder. "It's all right, Alice. You're safe here." I smooth back her hair, gentle over the place where her head hit the ground, but still holding tight with my arms around her shoulder. "I won't let her hurt you either. I promise. Not if there's anything I can do about it. You're safe. You're safe." I say it over and over, as if saying it more could make it more true.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

I feel her words against my hair and I close my eyes until I can hear them too. I'm safe. I'm safe and I believe her. I don't have to see her colors to know, that I'm safe and that she loves me and her dress is wet from the tears when I pull back. "I'm sorry. Your- Your dress and the dishes and--" I didn't mean to. I didn't, but I never mean to and that doesn't matter, the meaning, at the end when the fire comes and there's nobody left.

I wipe my face and look at Hermia. "Don't wanna hurt anybody. Not ever. And then I get angry and I do and... I'm sorry. I'll do better! I promise I will. I'll try!"

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"I'm sorry. Your- Your dress and the dishes and--"

"It's all right. The dress will dry." I smooth down her hair, and give her a little smile as I say once more, "It's all right."

"Don't wanna hurt anybody. Not ever. And then I get angry and I do and... I'm sorry. I'll do better! I promise I will. I'll try!"

"I believe you," I say, my voice still soft, but my eyes meeting Alice's directly. I understand now, even more than before, how important it is for Alice to have people believe her, and to keep their promises - especially their promises to keep her safe.

"I believe you that you don't want to hurt anyone, and I believe you that it's not under your control, and I believe you that you're trying. But you don't have to do it alone, darling. It's a very very hard thing that you're trying to do, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do it on your own. Will you let me help you? I know some exercises to help you focus your mind, so that you can work on not losing control when you're angry." My magic is not the same as hers, not nearly - and I do not have Carol to contend with! - but it is something, at least. "May I tell Chester that you've been struggling, so that he can help you too? He's a very good teacher. But I won't tell him anything unless you say that you want me to."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"I believe you," she says, looking at me like she can see me, really see me, and I was holding my breath, I think, because it comes out all at once and I'm tired when it's gone. "I believe you that you don't want to hurt anyone, and I believe you that it's not under your control, and I believe you that you're trying."

I am. I am. I promise. "But you don't have to do it alone, darling. It's a very very hard thing that you're trying to do, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing how to do it on your own. Will you let me help you? I know some exercises to help you focus your mind, so that you can work on not losing control when you're angry." I don't understand -- I'm sorry! -- but I nod anyway. That'd be nice, so nice not to be alone and not to be scared, but I don't understand why she would say it, why she would offer it... "May I tell Chester that you've been struggling, so that he can help you too? He's a very good teacher. But I won't tell him anything unless you say that you want me to."

"I... Okay." I have to look at her again, really look, like maybe there's more in her colors than in her words. But there isn't, nothing new or special, just the same colors for kindness and worry and all of it gone bright with her being different. I finish wiping my face with the bottom of my nightgown and shake my head so the cobwebs will go away, even if it's so much better now that it's gone quiet inside. "I, I'm not as smart, but I've been practicing what the big man showed me and I can learn other stuff too, I know I can, because I'll try really hard. You'll see. I'll practice every day." And I will. I really will. Just like before, and I'd forgotten about that and it makes me smile, even if it's not a very good smile. "Like reading! I was practicing every day and now I can do it. I can! I can read all sorts of things."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

She nods to my offer of help, but looks as if she doesn't quite believe me - she is far more used to adults lying to her than telling the truth, I suppose, and the realization breaks my heart all over again. It is not me that she cannot trust, it is all the adults who have lied to her in the past. So I will just have to prove that she can trust me. I keep my arms around her, holding her close and safe as I say, "Thank you. I'll talk to Chester, then. And tomorrow, perhaps, we can start our lessons? Today I think we all need to rest," I add, smoothing down her hair again.

"I... Okay." I have to look at her again, really look, like maybe there's more in her colors than in her words. But there isn't, nothing new or special, just the same colors for kindness and worry and all of it gone bright with her being different. I finish wiping my face with the bottom of my nightgown and shake my head so the cobwebs will go away, even if it's so much better now that it's gone quiet inside. "I, I'm not as smart, but I've been practicing what the big man showed me and I can learn other stuff too, I know I can, because I'll try really hard. You'll see. I'll practice every day." And I will. I really will. Just like before, and I'd forgotten about that and it makes me smile, even if it's not a very good smile. "Like reading! I was practicing every day and now I can do it. I can! I can read all sorts of things."

"Yes, you can," I agree, smiling back to encourage the tiny hint of a smile that Alice has finally finally managed. "You've worked very hard, and you've done very well. Learning how to control your talent is going to be like reading, in a way - a lot of little pieces, each of them simple, but adding up to something larger and more difficult. So you'll need to keep practicing the way you've practiced your reading. But I'll help you, and Chester will help you. You are smart, and you can learn this. I know you can."

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She thinks I'm smart. And I know it's not true but I know she believes it too, so I smile. "We'll practice tomorrow?" I ask, because I'm scared but I'm excited at the same time. I want her to see that I can do it. She'll be so happy then!

But not if I mess up. The idea comes all of a sudden, bright behind my eyes. "Hermia?" I don't look at her, and it's easier to talk that way, just looking down at her dress. "Is that why Micah had to leave? Because... Because he couldn't control his... How he's different, I mean." Micah was smart. If he couldn't learn the right things, I don't know how I'll do it.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"We'll practice tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," I agree, my own smile growing to see such hope and joy on Alice's face.

But then she breaks away, eyes sad and shoulders tightening into a slump, and I can almost feel the fear rising up in her again, even as I hug her gently closer.

"Hermia?" I don't look at her, and it's easier to talk that way, just looking down at her dress. "Is that why Micah had to leave? Because... Because he couldn't control his... How he's different, I mean."

Micah. Tez.

"It wasn't safe for him to live here. He has more power than he can control, and he wasn't trying..."

…and oh dear, what sort of corner have I talked myself into now? Where will Alice think that this path leads?

I look swiftly down again, trying to catch Alice's eyes. "Alice, I promise that we will not send you away. Even if you can't control your power, we won't send you away. We'll find another way to help you. We love you and will keep you and take care of you no matter what. I swear it. You were our foster-daughter before any of this, and you still will be no matter what happens."

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"It wasn't safe for him to live here. He has more power than he can control, and he wasn't trying..." But he was! I know he was! Wasn't he? "Alice, I promise that we will not send you away. Even if you can't control your power, we won't send you away. We'll find another way to help you. We love you and will keep you and take care of you no matter what. I swear it. You were our foster-daughter before any of this, and you still will be no matter what happens." I feel her looking at me, and I'm looking down, all while the words come and--

"Daughter?" Then she's back. I can feel her too, in the room and in my head and watching. But I ignore her, I push her away, and I look at Hermia. "But I... I thought..." I don't understand, I don't, and it doesn't mean anything, I was my father's daughter and my mother before me... Except somehow this is different, could be different. When I open my mouth again, my words come out so small. "Does that mean I can't marry Valmont?"

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I want to laugh and cry all at the same time, but I must not do either, because for Alice it is so very very serious, and because I must give her a clear answer on this.

"You already couldn't, Alice," I say very gently, "because he's already married to me, and we believe that you can only be married to one person at a time. But, yes, we do think of you as our daughter. Both of us do. We love you and feel responsible for taking care of you."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"You already couldn't, Alice," she says, "because he's already married to me, and we believe that you can only be married to one person at a time. But, yes, we do think of you as our daughter. Both of us do. We love you and feel responsible for taking care of you."

And it's not fair. I would have been a good wife to him, I would have! Valmont would have been good to me to, the way he is with Hermia, he would have been so kind to me, and--

Wait. "Valmont said I could marry who I wanted," I start, going slow. "So... If I can't marry him, can I just... Not marry anybody right now?" Anybody I wanted, that's what he said, so that should mean nobody too, right?

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"Of course!" It bursts out of me before I can call it back or gentle it as I have with my other words. But perhaps, I think - as soon as I can think - it is good for Alice to hear my answer so emphatically.

"You don't have to marry anyone at all right now," I continue, calmer and steadier now. "Not right now, or not ever, if you don't want to. When you get older, I hope that you will meet someone and fall in love and want to be married, the way Valmont and I have, but that doesn't have to be for a very very long time. And if someone asks you to marry them and you don't want to, you can say no. We will never ask you to marry anyone you don't want to marry, darling."

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"Of course!" she says, and I take a step back. I blink at her. "You don't have to marry anyone at all right now. Not right now, or not ever, if you don't want to. When you get older, I hope that you will meet someone and fall in love and want to be married, the way Valmont and I have, but that doesn't have to be for a very very long time. And if someone asks you to marry them and you don't want to, you can say no. We will never ask you to marry anyone you don't want to marry, darling."

I listen. And I think. I think for a long time. "That means..." I don't know, I don't know, except that I do, if I let myself. It's a horrible thought, it hurts me to think it -- BAD -- and it hurts me more that I like it, that I want it. I want it. I look at Hermia. "I won't belong to anyone. I'm your daughter, but after... I won't belong to anyone."

Then I smile. "I could belong to me." It's scary, it's so scary, because it's so wide-open, all the things I could do or say or be if I was the one making the decisions.

I right my chair, sit back down at the table, and pour half of the sugar in my cup. "Good." Scary, but good.