In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Tuesday, November 3rd (Day 156)
Morning
White Chapel Inn

My head doesn't hurt today, not as bad.  Sunday, it hurt a lot.  My eyes wanted to burn because there was so much light behind them, all the glitter from the star still there in my memories and not going away.  I slept a lot because of it, all during the day until the night came.  It was better then, a little, even if the shadows were very faint and not what I wanted at all.  Not deep and thick and full of secrets.  Yesterday was better, a lot better, and I went downstairs, though not for long.  No one wanted to say the questions, but I could see them on their lips anyway, waiting for me to give all sorts of answers I didn't even know.  Valmont wasn't angry, though, not how I thought he would be, and didn't even punish me at all.

That's weird, I think, even if it's nice.  Daddy says (said?) that it's a man's job to shepherd those around him.  But Valmont always just smiles and hugs me, when I speak out of turn or even don't want to get out of bed right away.  And I never see him correct Hermia, not at all.  Maybe Mr. Constantine was right about Excolo being very different.  Or maybe Valmont just doesn't know.  Either way, I don't think I'm going to say anything, not at all.  That is wrong of me, just like borrowing when I should have asked, but I don't want to, so I won't.  My secret, all mine and no one else's.

I'm still quiet at breakfast, just in case Valmont was maybe just waiting to punish me, and get dressed as quick as I can after that.  It's another pretty dress, my closet is full of them and I don't even have to share, and a ribbon in my hair to match.  There are new shoes, too, and even though I don't want to wear them, not really, I slip them on and pad downstairs.  It's cold and I don't want anyone sore with me for not being dressed the way I should.

The clouds are hanging thick in the sky, waiting for some storm that may never come, and it's all the brighter without the sun, the only real light shining in strong from the-  The star lady.  It's the same light, I know, would recognize it anywhere, and it's funny to sit in the grass out back and look over the buildings, see it shining there and know it's her.  It doesn't hurt as much now, really.  It's still so bright I can barely look, but not as bad.  Never as bad as seeing her for real, having her touch my face and seeing that star falling from the sky.

She must have left such a big hole when she landed, dirt and fire everywhere.

I wrap my arms around my side, hunched over with my legs sprawled, and just watch, with the wind blowing and the clouds moving.  It's cold and maybe I should have brought a jacket, but I don't want to go inside and instead just sit, staring off where it's bright.

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[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"S'a balance thing. Can't have one without the other. Light n' dark," Chester says before he wiggles some, looking up at me with big blue eyes. He has funny eyes.

"Alice. I gotta tell ya somethin' bout that fella. He's not a good guy. You hanging round him makes Valmont n' Hermia upset because they think he's gonna hurt ya."

It takes a little bit, trying to figure who he's talking about. Then it clicks, because of Valmont and Hermia and them maybe being sore at me for going out to the party when I wsan't supposed to.

"The big man won't hurt me," I say, plain as I can and looking in Chester's eyes. "Just 'cause somebody's not good doesn't mean they are bad, Chester."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Kid looks confused for a sec then she figures out who I'm talkin' bout. She looks me right in the eyes and says in a serious voice,The big man won't hurt me,Just 'cause somebody's not good doesn't mean they are bad, Chester.

"I know that, Sweetheart. S'just that there's plenty of evidence that he's hurt or killed lots people even people he's been friendly with before. 'specially women. Just thought y'should know bout that." A thought comes up and I ask, "Did he give you his word that he'd do you no harm?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"I know that, Sweetheart. S'just that there's plenty of evidence that he's hurt or killed lots people even people he's been friendly with before. 'specially women. Just thought y'should know bout that."

"I know," I say, my voice really small. And I don't, not really in the way most people know things, but I guess I knew it when Chester said it. Maybe something I didn't notice before and now I do? Could I see blood on his hands, with all the shadows and darkness in the way?

"Did he give you his word that he'd do you no harm?"

I shake my head, hair rustling around my ears louder than it should be. "No. Never said the words." Stop and look at the grass now, instead of Chester or the light or anything else. "Won't hurt me, though. Not wouldn't, never said wouldn't. Just... Won't." I look back up to Chester. "You know the difference?"

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

I know, she all but whispers. When I ask about whether he made any promises about not hurting her, she shakes her head and looks down at the ground.No. Never said the words.Won't hurt me, though. Not wouldn't, never said wouldn't. Just... Won't. She sounds very sure of that. I give her a considering look. That surety is not the stubborn denial of one who won't see something. This is stated as solid reliable knowledge. As sure as the sun will rise in the morning, she knows Gaueko will not harm her. I'd dismiss it as childish trust except for two things, her power to see things and the stuff I saw at the party that says her childhood wasn't full of love and trust.

She raises her face and looks at me. You know the difference?

I blink my way back from my thoughts to give her an answer. "Yeah, Sweetheart, I do." I sigh. "But you're gonna hafta figure out a way to convince Hermia n' Valmont that he won't. Unless you like sneaking around behind their backs."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, Sweetheart, I do." I don't know if I believe him. Maybe yes, because his colors are the truth, but I don't know anything about kitty colors at all so maybe they are different.

"But you're gonna hafta figure out a way to convince Hermia n' Valmont that he won't. Unless you like sneaking around behind their backs."

"I- Valmont won't let me, let me see the big man any more?" My eyes go back to grass, I like it better than colors or lights, and I rip up a few pieces, letting the wind blow them from my hand. "I don't... I don't wanna get in trouble, Chester." And I'm not crying, not really, just upset and it makes my nose run. "But-"

I kick a bit, a little at the ground, a little at the air, and it doesn't do much from where I'm laying. It really doesn't make me feel better. "I like the big man. He makes my head not hurt!"

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

I- Valmont won't let me, let me see the big man any more?
Damn! That's not quite what I meant... Alice is looking down at the grass and ripping bits of it up.
I don't... I don't wanna get in trouble, Chester. Crap. Is she crying? The way she's sniffling I think she might be. Great, now I feel like shit. I open my mouth to give it another go when she lets out a kick at the ground. I jump and move closer to her to avoid the next kick into the air.I like the big man. He makes my head not hurt!

I blink at this little revelation and say, "I can't speak for Hermia or Valmont, but you really should try talking to them about your friend. They're reasonable people. an' I bet if you talk to them in a rational adult way about it, then they won't try to forbid you to see him."

I ain't gonna mention how I bet Valmont may try to forbid Gaueko from seeing Alice. Not that that'd actually work. Gods ain't good at being told 'No'.

"They just want to protect you Alice. They don't know what's going on unless you tell them."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester comes closer and that makes me feel a little bit better. Not a whole lot and I'm still sniffing, but I'm trying not to be upset. I don't want to be upset, that would be bad.

"I can't speak for Hermia or Valmont, but you really should try talking to them about your friend. They're reasonable people. an' I bet if you talk to them in a rational adult way about it, then they won't try to forbid you to see him."

And that makes sense, I guess.

"They just want to protect you Alice. They don't know what's going on unless you tell them."

I nod along, curling up close to him again and burying my face in his fur. It's not the same, not the same at all, with the light still shining and Chester being so small, but it's still nice.

"Really?" I ask, voice small. "I won't get in trouble? Promise? I don't want- Don't want Valmont sore at me and I don't want Hermia sore either and I don't understand why everybody is being quiet all the time when I'm sitting there."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Alice nods her head to show she's listening and then curls in closer so she can bury her face in my fur. I twitch once as she does this. My instincts about sudden contact and grabby moves are strong, but override them an let her do it she needs the comfort.

Really? She asks, her voice small as her anxiety shows. I won't get in trouble? Promise? I don't want- Don't want Valmont sore at me and I don't want Hermia sore either and I don't understand why everybody is being quiet all the time when I'm sitting there.

I sigh. People ought to give kids more credit. She knows something's wrong but if they won't tell her what it is she'll have to figure it out or make her own ideas of what's going on.

"You won't get in trouble for it, I promise. It'll probly save you more trouble than if you don't. As fer why they do the silent thing. It's cuz they don't think they should talk about what they wanna do about it in fronta you like you're not there when you are and they haven't realized yet that all three a you should be sittin' down an talkin' bout it."

I reach up a paw n' give 'er a pat with it. "S' why you gotta go talk to them bout it, so's they realize."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester sighs and I don't think I've ever heard a kitty do that before. It's a funny thought so I smile a little bit, through the sniffling.

"You won't get in trouble for it, I promise. It'll probly save you more trouble than if you don't. As fer why they do the silent thing. It's cuz they don't think they should talk about what they wanna do about it in fronta you like you're not there when you are and they haven't realized yet that all three a you should be sittin' down an talkin' bout it."

More things that make sense. I like Chester, because he does that. Says things straight away, without my having to poke for the answers or just wonder why everyone's angry.

He gives me a pat, small little paw, and I laugh. "S' why you gotta go talk to them bout it, so's they realize."

"I can do that!" And I can, too. Mr. Constantine says Excolo is a different sort of place, where men have long hair and women wear pants and animals talk all the time. So maybe this will be different too? Besides, Valmont is a very nice man. He wouldn't punish me unless I deserved it and so I will just do as Chester says then I won't deserve it.

"Thanks, Chester." I give him another big hug, face deep in his fur, before sitting up. "We'll talk about it and then nobody will be angry at all." It's even colder out now than before and I know I should get inside soon, before someone sees I don't have a jacket on. "You are a very nice kitty."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

she laughs when I pat her and I relax just a bit. laughing is good. I can do that!

She gives me a big hug and thanks me before she finally sits up and takes her face outta my fur. We'll talk about it and then nobody will be angry at all.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart. She shivers in the cold, an i open my mouth to tell her to get inside before she freezes, when she says, You are a very nice kitty.

So I duck my head an' swish my tail instead. She's a good kid, needs some training but I think she can get that here. Excolo is a surprisingly good at having whatever people need. Which's good cuz I don't think I oughta take on another student. 'specially not without askin' Hermia.

I look up at Alice n' nudge her with my nose. " Uh thanks, but y'should go inside soon. 'fore you freeze."

That an I wanna settle my fur. It itches where her tears settled on my skin making awkward clumps out the fur. Just the thought has me bend round to start cleaning.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester nudges at me and says I should go inside. It is cold now, even if I like talking to him, so I stand up and brush the grass bits off of my dress. "Okay." A big smile and no more sniffles. It will all work out. "Bye, Chester!"

And I hurry back inside, to crawl under warm covers and try to think of the right words to tell to Valmont.