In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Tuesday, November 3rd (Day 156)
Morning
White Chapel Inn

My head doesn't hurt today, not as bad.  Sunday, it hurt a lot.  My eyes wanted to burn because there was so much light behind them, all the glitter from the star still there in my memories and not going away.  I slept a lot because of it, all during the day until the night came.  It was better then, a little, even if the shadows were very faint and not what I wanted at all.  Not deep and thick and full of secrets.  Yesterday was better, a lot better, and I went downstairs, though not for long.  No one wanted to say the questions, but I could see them on their lips anyway, waiting for me to give all sorts of answers I didn't even know.  Valmont wasn't angry, though, not how I thought he would be, and didn't even punish me at all.

That's weird, I think, even if it's nice.  Daddy says (said?) that it's a man's job to shepherd those around him.  But Valmont always just smiles and hugs me, when I speak out of turn or even don't want to get out of bed right away.  And I never see him correct Hermia, not at all.  Maybe Mr. Constantine was right about Excolo being very different.  Or maybe Valmont just doesn't know.  Either way, I don't think I'm going to say anything, not at all.  That is wrong of me, just like borrowing when I should have asked, but I don't want to, so I won't.  My secret, all mine and no one else's.

I'm still quiet at breakfast, just in case Valmont was maybe just waiting to punish me, and get dressed as quick as I can after that.  It's another pretty dress, my closet is full of them and I don't even have to share, and a ribbon in my hair to match.  There are new shoes, too, and even though I don't want to wear them, not really, I slip them on and pad downstairs.  It's cold and I don't want anyone sore with me for not being dressed the way I should.

The clouds are hanging thick in the sky, waiting for some storm that may never come, and it's all the brighter without the sun, the only real light shining in strong from the-  The star lady.  It's the same light, I know, would recognize it anywhere, and it's funny to sit in the grass out back and look over the buildings, see it shining there and know it's her.  It doesn't hurt as much now, really.  It's still so bright I can barely look, but not as bad.  Never as bad as seeing her for real, having her touch my face and seeing that star falling from the sky.

She must have left such a big hole when she landed, dirt and fire everywhere.

I wrap my arms around my side, hunched over with my legs sprawled, and just watch, with the wind blowing and the clouds moving.  It's cold and maybe I should have brought a jacket, but I don't want to go inside and instead just sit, staring off where it's bright.

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[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Politeness may keep me out of Valmont an' Hermia's home unless invited, but nothin' says I can't pop inta the garden to say hello. After all We never gotta proper intro at that party. Can't help bein' interested in her though. Came outta the blue, got taken in by Valmont n' Hermia. Looks a real young an' a bit lost. Also gives out an unstable power signature. It ain't always there, but when it is...It ain't something I can miss. So for the sake of all three of 'em I decide I better come havva chat with 'er.

I fade into the far corner of the garden under what is becoming my favorite bush, and come trotting gently out to greet her.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

There's movement, just at the corner of where I can see and maybe even past that, in the flower bushes just at the edge of the garden. I look up, curious and waiting, to see a white kitty moving out from the dark green leaves. It's a cat and it's not, too many colors for an animal, and not the right ones for just a person, not plain.

Then I remember, flying from the party with strapped on wings and a nice voice where people would say voices shouldn't come. I smile, big and wide. "Kitty!" And a pause after that, trying to put together the pieces. "You are still wearing your costume. Your mask." I squint a little, trying to see. Definitely not just a kitty and maybe like the big man, hiding behind an animal face that's really his, too, just as much as the other. "It's not time for the party now."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

She looks up and sees me. She stares for a moment an then smiles real wide n' calls out Kitty! i wince at the volume and but unfold my ears and pick my way over to her.

You are still wearing your costume. Your mask.It's not time for the party now.

I look up at her, my eyebrows go up a bit. Real odd words fer a kid. Wonder if she's a seer? Might explain some stuff including the unstable power sig. Might be something else too. She's squinting at me as if trying to see through me or at least the outer layers. It's not time for the party now. I flick my ears and tail before sitting down beside her.

"Some masks don't come off all that easy. They grow into you and become part a you." I tell her. "By the way, I'm called Chester."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

The kitty sits down beside me, a great shock of white fur in the green grass, and I lay back down, curled to where I can see him. "Some masks don't come off all that easy. They grow into you and become part a you. By the way, I'm called Chester."

I smile, head propped in my hands. "I'm called Alice." A pause. "That's my name, I mean. Alice Lewis." I curl a little closer, looking hard to see what's hiding, but I can't make out anything. Not like the big man, anyway. "Do you have a people face? Or do you just wear the kitty face?"

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

She lays back down but curled up to see and talk to me. She smiles and props her head up with her hands. I'm called Alice.That's my name, I mean. Alice Lewis.

I twitch my whiskers at this but say, "Pleased ta meetcha, Alice." and I lean forward for a polite sniff at her. She curls in closer and then says, Do you have a people face? Or do you just wear the kitty face?

I blink at this question. "Long as I'm here, this is my face." I stretch out my front paws, as I try to set out what to ask an' how to do it. "D'you often see people with extra faces, Kid?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

He comes a closer still to give a little sniff, whiskers twitching. "Long as I'm here, this is my face. D'you often see people with extra faces, Kid?"

I lie back, trying to think, and it takes a little time, the pictures there but not all the words to describe them. That's always the worst part. Finally I roll over again, nose wrinkled up. "Sometimes? Not everybody has different faces. Not even most people." A small hmphing sort of noise. "The big man has two faces, person face and dog face all in the same." And that doesn't really explain it, but it's close. I hope. "Mr. Constantine has two faces... But not really. He and Mr. Shadowman share a face. So that's different."

There's another with faces, loads of faces, but I don't mention her. Because I don't think those are faces at all, or at least not real. Only the light is real. And that makes sense, doesn't it? No one would want to dance or be friends, if she was shining all the time so bright.

"Here like Excolo?" I ask, picking bits of grass off of my dress. "Do you have other faces for other towns?" I don't think that's what he meant at all, but I'm confused so maybe it's okay to ask. "Or... Not."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Alice lies on her back looking up to the sky. It takes her some time to think about. That's just fine with me. I stomp a bit to make the ground a bit more comfy and fold myself down just so. She rolls back to face me wrinkling her nose. It reminds me of Kit just a little.

Sometimes? Not everybody has different faces. Not even most people.The big man has two faces, person face and dog face all in the same.Mr. Constantine has two faces... But not really. He and Mr. Shadowman share a face. So that's different.

She starts listing what and who she's seen. Interesting. She's seen both Gaueko and Constantine. Or more properly Constantine's demon.

Then she goes on to ask, Here like Excolo?Do you have other faces for other towns?Or... Not.

I shake my head. "Not that kinda here, Kid. I meant here as in the material world. The other place has lotsa names but the two most common are The Other Side an' the Spirit World. S'where I'm from."

I bet if she wanted to or knew how to look she could see it. Maybe I'll show her if she's interested.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

He shakes his big white head, a funny sort of thing for a kitty to do, and I knew that maybe I was wrong. At least he's not sore about it. "Not that kinda here, Kid. I meant here as in the material world. The other place has lotsa names but the two most common are The Other Side an' the Spirit World. S'where I'm from."

I don't really know what he's talking about, not really, and curl up a bit more, trying to fit it all together. "You see other places? That's not this place?" Not like other towns at all, I don't think, and that's off. "I just see this place." A shrug. "I'm sorry."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

You see other places? That's not this place? she's curling even closer. Even though she's a little thing she still bigger than me so I have to resist an impulse to move away from her. Don't want her to lose track of the conversation...I just see this place.I'm sorry. She shrugs.

"No need ta be sorry, Kid. An' yeah I see them an' I bet you can too if you want to."

let's see what honesty gets me...

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"No need ta be sorry, Kid. An' yeah I see them an' I bet you can too if you want to." I'm very happy that Chester isn't angry, nice and patient even though I don't think I could see anything like what he's talking about. Sometimes people think I can do things I can't, or that I did things that I didn't. "I can only see what I can see. Not things I can't see," I explain, trying to follow myself and getting lost a little bit.

But I don't want to be rude and it would be neat to see other things, maybe like looking under water and seeing all the fish swimming around. They are hiding when you are up top and clear as day once you go underneath. Maybe like that? "I could... I could try, though. Even though I can't. If you wanted me to."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

I can only see what I can see. Not things I can't see, She explains. But it's not a refusal to try as she goes on, I could... I could try, though. Even though I can't. If you wanted me to.

I swish my tail at that. I think she's being polite. But hey at least she said she'd give it a go. An' her attempt should tell me somethin' about her power.

"Alright then." Now lessee..."Close your eyes, Sweetheart an' then open 'em real slow. Now look at me from the corner of your eye? C'n you do that?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester swishes his tail a little before deciding. "Alright then." And I guess we are trying, trying to see things that we can't even see. "Close your eyes, Sweetheart an' then open 'em real slow. Now look at me from the corner of your eye? C'n you do that?"

It won't work, I know, but I said I would try and it wouldn't be nice not to after promising. "Okay..." I close my eyes just like he says, thinking about what I'm supposed to see. I don't see anything right now, because I'm not looking and it's dark behind my eyelids. The grass is in my hair, though, I can feel that. And the garden stretching out big and green around us. The light too, always there and shining on everything.

Then I open my eyes as slow as I can, bit by bit, to peer over at Chester out of the corner. He's there, just like before, but maybe a little blurry. Yeah, blurry is the right word. All of his colors, swirling around blue and light, are thicker now and I can barely see the kitty at all. Swirling air in the shape of a kitty, instead, blue with eyes and- All colors and nothing underneath!

I sit up quick, confused, and look at him straight away. There. That's better. A kitty with colors and not colors with a kitty, the way it should be. "The world broke!"

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Alice says okay and lies back with her eyes closed. a long moment later she opens then slowly like I asked, then she sits up quickly and looks at me straight on. The world broke!

I move my ears a bit forward and chuckle. "Nah. Not really. You're just seein' what else is there.The Other World." I pad forward a bit so she can pet me if she wants. might make her feel better if all this turns out to be a big shock. wonder why the idea of a talking cat doesn't upset her but the mere idea of seeing spirit stuff does?

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"Nah. Not really. You're just seein' what else is there. The Other World." Chester comes close, so as can be, with his tail twitching behind him and his ears perked up. A kitty now, and not some strange swirling thing of colors and air, so he doesn't bother me at all. And maybe he didn't before, because it wasn't scary. Just... Different.

"I don't like things I can't see," I say, plain, pulling my knees to my chest and petting the top of Chester's head. "Not fair, hiding. Cheating." Quiet for a little while before I look down at him. "Is the 'other world' like the dark place? In the shadows? Or is that a different thing? I can't see the dark place either."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

She pulls her knees up to her chest and pets me on top of my head, between my ears. I lean on her and let the feel wash over me. I don't like things I can't see. Not fair, hiding. Cheating.

"Most people don't like stuff to be hidden from them, except if it's stuff they don't wanna see cuz they'd prefer if not exist. if you work at it,someday there won;t be hardly anythin' you can't see."

After a moment she asks,Is the 'other world' like the dark place? In the shadows? Or is that a different thing? I can't see the dark place either.

Takes me a moment to answer, cuz I gotta think about that. "Maybe. Can't know for sure unless you tell me more bout how you saw this dark place first."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester leans closer and, with his fur warm against my arm and his belly filled with deep purrs, I am happier now. "Most people don't like stuff to be hidden from them, except if it's stuff they don't wanna see cuz they'd prefer if not exist. if you work at it,someday there won;t be hardly anythin' you can't see."

And I guess that's true. I don't like not seeing people's colors, especially when I know they should be there and I should be able to see them. So this could be the same sort of thing and just frustrating because of that.

Chester gets real quiet when I mention the dark place, finally looking up for an answer. "Maybe. Can't know for sure unless you tell me more bout how you saw this dark place first."

I thought if he knew about the other place where he's air, then he would know about the dark place too. But maybe not. Maybe only Gaueko knows that place. Maybe it's a secret. If it is, I don't want to get in trouble or have Gaueko sore at me either. Though I did already mention and Chester did ask, so that would be rude.

Shrugging, I pet a little lower, working my fingers into the fur at his neck. "It's where the big man took me, when we were in the hallway. First in the hallway, then the dark place, then outside." A small smile. "It was weird but neat too. And scary, very scary, I think, if I hadn't been holding on all tight to him." I pause. "Have you ever been there, Chester? I think I know where it is, in the shadows."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

I purr as she works her fingers into my fur.Mmmm...That feels good. My eyes start to close. It's where the big man took me, when we were in the hallway. First in the hallway, then the dark place, then outside. Alice says, she gives a small smile. It was weird but neat too. And scary, very scary, I think, if I hadn't been holding on all tight to him.Have you ever been there, Chester? I think I know where it is, in the shadows.

My ears perks up even as my eyes close in sheer pleasure at the scritching and my voice is all drowsy as I answer."Nah. I don't think I've been 'zactly where he took you, sweetheart. An' where d'you think it is?" Maybe I should wriggle away from this scritching it's hard to sound as concerned as I oughta when she;s doing that. and I think someone should explain to her why Valmont 'n Hermia were so scared about Gaueko that night at the party. 'sides kid oughta know who she hanging out with. S'only right, is all.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester wiggles a bit, but doesn't move, stretched out all happy as I scratch his neck. It makes me giggle, looking at his half-open eyes and strange kitty smile. "Nah. I don't think I've been 'zactly where he took you, sweetheart. An' where d'you think it is?"

It's kind of weird, I think, and maybe even bad that I'm happy over that. He can see the strange place where he's air, but I've seen the dark place. So it's like we are even and, more now than before, it's a secret. Mine.

I shrug and stretch out beside him, still scratching at his fur. "Shadows. You'd think, with all the light, there wouldn't be so many shadows, but there are. I see them." A smile. "That's where the big man lives."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Alice giggles, an' I'm too comfortable to even consider takin' offense at her giggling at me. She lays down again but keeps scritchin'...ah...that feels so good...Shadows. You'd think, with all the light, there wouldn't be so many shadows, but there are. I see them." A smile. "That's where the big man lives.

"S'a balance thing. Can't have one without the other. Light n' dark." I struggle up a bit so i can look her in the face.

"Alice. I gotta tell ya somethin' bout that fella. He's not a good guy. You hanging round him makes Valmont n' Hermia upset because they think he's gonna hurt ya."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"S'a balance thing. Can't have one without the other. Light n' dark," Chester says before he wiggles some, looking up at me with big blue eyes. He has funny eyes.

"Alice. I gotta tell ya somethin' bout that fella. He's not a good guy. You hanging round him makes Valmont n' Hermia upset because they think he's gonna hurt ya."

It takes a little bit, trying to figure who he's talking about. Then it clicks, because of Valmont and Hermia and them maybe being sore at me for going out to the party when I wsan't supposed to.

"The big man won't hurt me," I say, plain as I can and looking in Chester's eyes. "Just 'cause somebody's not good doesn't mean they are bad, Chester."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Kid looks confused for a sec then she figures out who I'm talkin' bout. She looks me right in the eyes and says in a serious voice,The big man won't hurt me,Just 'cause somebody's not good doesn't mean they are bad, Chester.

"I know that, Sweetheart. S'just that there's plenty of evidence that he's hurt or killed lots people even people he's been friendly with before. 'specially women. Just thought y'should know bout that." A thought comes up and I ask, "Did he give you his word that he'd do you no harm?"

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"I know that, Sweetheart. S'just that there's plenty of evidence that he's hurt or killed lots people even people he's been friendly with before. 'specially women. Just thought y'should know bout that."

"I know," I say, my voice really small. And I don't, not really in the way most people know things, but I guess I knew it when Chester said it. Maybe something I didn't notice before and now I do? Could I see blood on his hands, with all the shadows and darkness in the way?

"Did he give you his word that he'd do you no harm?"

I shake my head, hair rustling around my ears louder than it should be. "No. Never said the words." Stop and look at the grass now, instead of Chester or the light or anything else. "Won't hurt me, though. Not wouldn't, never said wouldn't. Just... Won't." I look back up to Chester. "You know the difference?"

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

I know, she all but whispers. When I ask about whether he made any promises about not hurting her, she shakes her head and looks down at the ground.No. Never said the words.Won't hurt me, though. Not wouldn't, never said wouldn't. Just... Won't. She sounds very sure of that. I give her a considering look. That surety is not the stubborn denial of one who won't see something. This is stated as solid reliable knowledge. As sure as the sun will rise in the morning, she knows Gaueko will not harm her. I'd dismiss it as childish trust except for two things, her power to see things and the stuff I saw at the party that says her childhood wasn't full of love and trust.

She raises her face and looks at me. You know the difference?

I blink my way back from my thoughts to give her an answer. "Yeah, Sweetheart, I do." I sigh. "But you're gonna hafta figure out a way to convince Hermia n' Valmont that he won't. Unless you like sneaking around behind their backs."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, Sweetheart, I do." I don't know if I believe him. Maybe yes, because his colors are the truth, but I don't know anything about kitty colors at all so maybe they are different.

"But you're gonna hafta figure out a way to convince Hermia n' Valmont that he won't. Unless you like sneaking around behind their backs."

"I- Valmont won't let me, let me see the big man any more?" My eyes go back to grass, I like it better than colors or lights, and I rip up a few pieces, letting the wind blow them from my hand. "I don't... I don't wanna get in trouble, Chester." And I'm not crying, not really, just upset and it makes my nose run. "But-"

I kick a bit, a little at the ground, a little at the air, and it doesn't do much from where I'm laying. It really doesn't make me feel better. "I like the big man. He makes my head not hurt!"

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

I- Valmont won't let me, let me see the big man any more?
Damn! That's not quite what I meant... Alice is looking down at the grass and ripping bits of it up.
I don't... I don't wanna get in trouble, Chester. Crap. Is she crying? The way she's sniffling I think she might be. Great, now I feel like shit. I open my mouth to give it another go when she lets out a kick at the ground. I jump and move closer to her to avoid the next kick into the air.I like the big man. He makes my head not hurt!

I blink at this little revelation and say, "I can't speak for Hermia or Valmont, but you really should try talking to them about your friend. They're reasonable people. an' I bet if you talk to them in a rational adult way about it, then they won't try to forbid you to see him."

I ain't gonna mention how I bet Valmont may try to forbid Gaueko from seeing Alice. Not that that'd actually work. Gods ain't good at being told 'No'.

"They just want to protect you Alice. They don't know what's going on unless you tell them."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester comes closer and that makes me feel a little bit better. Not a whole lot and I'm still sniffing, but I'm trying not to be upset. I don't want to be upset, that would be bad.

"I can't speak for Hermia or Valmont, but you really should try talking to them about your friend. They're reasonable people. an' I bet if you talk to them in a rational adult way about it, then they won't try to forbid you to see him."

And that makes sense, I guess.

"They just want to protect you Alice. They don't know what's going on unless you tell them."

I nod along, curling up close to him again and burying my face in his fur. It's not the same, not the same at all, with the light still shining and Chester being so small, but it's still nice.

"Really?" I ask, voice small. "I won't get in trouble? Promise? I don't want- Don't want Valmont sore at me and I don't want Hermia sore either and I don't understand why everybody is being quiet all the time when I'm sitting there."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

Alice nods her head to show she's listening and then curls in closer so she can bury her face in my fur. I twitch once as she does this. My instincts about sudden contact and grabby moves are strong, but override them an let her do it she needs the comfort.

Really? She asks, her voice small as her anxiety shows. I won't get in trouble? Promise? I don't want- Don't want Valmont sore at me and I don't want Hermia sore either and I don't understand why everybody is being quiet all the time when I'm sitting there.

I sigh. People ought to give kids more credit. She knows something's wrong but if they won't tell her what it is she'll have to figure it out or make her own ideas of what's going on.

"You won't get in trouble for it, I promise. It'll probly save you more trouble than if you don't. As fer why they do the silent thing. It's cuz they don't think they should talk about what they wanna do about it in fronta you like you're not there when you are and they haven't realized yet that all three a you should be sittin' down an talkin' bout it."

I reach up a paw n' give 'er a pat with it. "S' why you gotta go talk to them bout it, so's they realize."

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester sighs and I don't think I've ever heard a kitty do that before. It's a funny thought so I smile a little bit, through the sniffling.

"You won't get in trouble for it, I promise. It'll probly save you more trouble than if you don't. As fer why they do the silent thing. It's cuz they don't think they should talk about what they wanna do about it in fronta you like you're not there when you are and they haven't realized yet that all three a you should be sittin' down an talkin' bout it."

More things that make sense. I like Chester, because he does that. Says things straight away, without my having to poke for the answers or just wonder why everyone's angry.

He gives me a pat, small little paw, and I laugh. "S' why you gotta go talk to them bout it, so's they realize."

"I can do that!" And I can, too. Mr. Constantine says Excolo is a different sort of place, where men have long hair and women wear pants and animals talk all the time. So maybe this will be different too? Besides, Valmont is a very nice man. He wouldn't punish me unless I deserved it and so I will just do as Chester says then I won't deserve it.

"Thanks, Chester." I give him another big hug, face deep in his fur, before sitting up. "We'll talk about it and then nobody will be angry at all." It's even colder out now than before and I know I should get inside soon, before someone sees I don't have a jacket on. "You are a very nice kitty."

[chester-excolo.livejournal.com]

she laughs when I pat her and I relax just a bit. laughing is good. I can do that!

She gives me a big hug and thanks me before she finally sits up and takes her face outta my fur. We'll talk about it and then nobody will be angry at all.

"You're welcome, Sweetheart. She shivers in the cold, an i open my mouth to tell her to get inside before she freezes, when she says, You are a very nice kitty.

So I duck my head an' swish my tail instead. She's a good kid, needs some training but I think she can get that here. Excolo is a surprisingly good at having whatever people need. Which's good cuz I don't think I oughta take on another student. 'specially not without askin' Hermia.

I look up at Alice n' nudge her with my nose. " Uh thanks, but y'should go inside soon. 'fore you freeze."

That an I wanna settle my fur. It itches where her tears settled on my skin making awkward clumps out the fur. Just the thought has me bend round to start cleaning.

[shards-of-alice.livejournal.com]

Chester nudges at me and says I should go inside. It is cold now, even if I like talking to him, so I stand up and brush the grass bits off of my dress. "Okay." A big smile and no more sniffles. It will all work out. "Bye, Chester!"

And I hurry back inside, to crawl under warm covers and try to think of the right words to tell to Valmont.