Bad moon rising

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

Afternoon of Sunday, October 11th

It's a mild enough afternoon as I walk into town. Probably shouldn't be out here; there's things to do back at the abbey. Always plenty to do on a Sunday. But I'm in a thoughtful sort of mood, and the walking helps.

Had a dream last night, about Concetta. Not the first one by a long shot. It's funny, when I first told her I was going to take temporary vows and we broke up, I didn't dream about her at all. I was so immersed in everything, and I thought when I gave up my name I was giving up the past. Of course, it doesn't work as easily as that, and after a few months, when I was really getting into my new life and I knew, really knew, that this was it for me, forever - well, it hurt more then, knowing what I gave up. Didn't change my resolve, and there's never been anything in my life that's made me as happy as serving Nanshe. Never think that I did the wrong thing. But sometimes, over the years, I've dreamed of Concetta, and I've missed her.

Last night's dream was a bit different, though. She wasn't young. Usually in my dreams we're both still young, barely out of our teens, and yeah, sometimes they're sex dreams but not always. Even when they're not, I still usually wake up with a hard-on, cos that's just how it is, if you're a bloke, I reckon. Just cos you give up fucking doesn't mean your cock forgets. It was easy not having sex, the first year or so, cos I was so fervent, and then it was really fucking hard for a couple more years, and then it got easier, and now it doesn't bother me most of the time. But last night's dream rattled me, cos Concetta and me, we was older than we are now. She had all these fine lines around her mouth, and I knew on waking that's just what those lines will look like when she's fifty. Her mouth always did turn down. Made her look sulky when she wasn't. A serious sort of mouth. And in my dream we'd buried my parents, and she took me to bed, which was our bed, and in my dream I was crying as we did it. When I woke up I was crying too. Not exactly fucking difficult to see what that dream was about, really. Got my share of guilt about a few things, I do. And maybe I feel a bit guilty because despite that, despite what I chose and knowing that it hurt people, I don't regret it. Knowing that I can never love anyone as much as I love my goddess. It's right, I think, that we had to give up romance and sex to live at the abbey. Not cos those things are bad. Nanshe is a mother, she loves families. But the way I serve her... There's room for friends in that, but not for anything else. No one else can be anything but second best.

All the same, it nags at me a bit, the dream. Cos I think Concetta and I would've been happy, and she never did get married, did she? Had kids, but never married, and I wonder if that's my fault. Shouldn't be so fucking arrogant, thinking what, I spoiled her for other men, but I wonder sometimes if she'd have found someone to love if she hadn't known me. Would never ask her, though. She'd probably smack me in the face, and quite right too. Can't go around feeling guilty for other people's choices - it's self-indulgent bollocks, is what it is.

I found I've come to the end of Silk Road, and the carnival wheel's turning. On a whim I decide to go across. I've been to the carnival, but not in a while. When I get over it's got a sad, end-of-holiday feel to it, bunting drooping, the wheel turning with no one on it. There's a few kids running about, but the barkers aren't bothering to shout, there's so few people out here. Wonder what they make of me, as I'm still in my robes. Don't really mind.

I buy myself some cotton candy. The sugar in my mouth makes me smile. Food's always been a way to cheer me up, and there's something so happily pointless about cotton candy. Fluffy sugar, I mean, what's the point of it except to make you smile? There's something lovely in that. Not everything needs a point, after all. Sometimes it's enough for the wheel to just keep turning.

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Comments

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"A lot of people in town had the same dream. One where Excolo was a great city, but it burned, and the other where it was a prosperous and peaceful place."

Huh. Mass dreams. Tha's a new one. Mass halluc'nations, mass visions, sure, but mass dreams...reckon'ere gotta be a god'r somethin'a th'like b'hind it. "Naw, ain't'ad nothin' 'long'ose lines...y'got any idea what it means?" Fig'rin' either two poss'ble futures 'r folk on two sep'rate sides, ain't sure which.

Ask 'bout'is own dreams, an'e nods, "Yeah. Sometimes out of the blue, but mostly I've got to work for them. Ritual stuff - take some herbs, fast...Which you can probably tell isn't my favourite thing to do,"

Way'e's eatin', bet not. Kinda grin. "Sounds like what I do. I ain't a nat'ral seer, so I gotta take shit if'n I want dreams'r visions, but sounds like 'bout what I do." Wonder if'n we use th'same herbs 'n potions.

'e looks down when I say th'Devil's in th'Tower....not really surprised, so'm bettin'e figured'em rumours weren't really rumours. But'e perks when I talk 'bout gettin'a look at th'Tower.
"So you can do that? Wasn't sure if your magic was real - no offence, Syl. We've had a few women through town who claimed to be witches - mostly selling coloured water to silly girls, and to be honest I didn't begrudge them making a living, cos living on the road isn't an easy life. But you've really got it, eh? Nice to know there are decent folk who've got a bit of power to them, given what's been going on in town. So what did you see?"

Decent folk? Raise m'eyebrow a bit at'at, but'en, we jes' met. "Oh, yeah, I c'n do'at. Don't get me wrong, sell m'share'a coloured water t'th'farmgirls 'n dry grass t'th'boys't wanna li'l perk in'eir pants..." tear a chunka meat offa m'burger, lay it on th'table, sprinkle a bitta powder from my'pocket onnit...an' split second later swarmin' wit'bitin' flies. "But I got power too." I says, still smilin'.

Flies buzz off once th'meat's gone. Ain't gonna bother us. "Didn't getta chance t'see much, t'be honest....jes' 'nough t'know th'whole town's innit's shadow, 'n th'Lot too." an's parta wha's keepin'us here, but ain't sure I should be tellin'im'at yet.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

"Naw, ain't'ad nothin' 'long'ose lines...y'got any idea what it means?"

"Pretty much figure that if people choose whatever the Tower wants, we're fucked," I say frankly, sipping my beer. It gets better the further down the glass I get. "I think the blue city is what Excolo could be with the help of my goddess," I say. "Nanshe, she wants this to be a peaceful place. Good crops, safety for the vulnerable, all that. Nothing fancy. Just good, you know?" I smile a bit. "I hope we can figure out how to get it."

"Oh, yeah, I c'n do'at. Don't get me wrong, sell m'share'a coloured water t'th'farmgirls 'n dry grass t'th'boys't wanna li'l perk in'eir pants..."

I laugh at that.

"Most of the boys in town could do with less perk, I reckon, but I know what you mean."

Syl tears off a bit of meat, and I watch her sprinkle something on it. A second later flies are all over it, and I stare at it.

"Buggeration, that's quite something," I say. "And also, may I add, pretty bloody gross," I say, watching them devour the meat and then sod off. "Did you conjure them, or summon them?" I say, curious. I mean, it's still pretty impressive (and nasty) if she can summon flies, but even more impressive (and gross) if she can create them out of thin air. Think overall I preferred Kaeli's flower trick. This town is fucking mental.

"Didn't getta chance t'see much, t'be honest....jes' 'nough t'know th'whole town's innit's shadow, 'n th'Lot too."

"Yeah," I say sadly. "Figured that much myself. Had a couple of visions, but they didn't make much sense. Will have to try fasting again soon." I stare at the burger ruefully.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Pretty much figure that if people choose whatever the Tower wants, we're fucked," Notice'e's nearly done'is beer. Signal fer another round. "I think the blue city is what Excolo could be with the help of my goddess, Nanshe, she wants this to be a peaceful place. Good crops, safety for the vulnerable, all that. Nothing fancy. Just good, you know? I hope we can figure out how to get it."

Ah, so tha's who'e's servin'. Seems t'me if'n she wuz really allat nice she'd let'er priests have sex, but whatever. "An' wha's she want in return?" I ask, payin' Bessie when she brings th'beers 'round. "No 'ffense, Preacher-man, but from what've seen gods always want somethin' in 'schange ferall th'sweetness 'n light 'n harps 'n clouds 'n tra la la la."

Likes m'li'l fly trick, though. Easy, really....bugs ain't hard t'control. Ain't like'ey got much in th'way'a minds. Y'tell'em "food's here" an'ey come. "Buggeration, that's quite something," I say. "And also, may I add, pretty bloody gross. Did you conjure them, or summon them?"

"Summon," I says. "Don't b'lieve nobody't says'ey c'n create life, less'n's yer goddess. Really ain't fuckin' poss'ble, 'least not've seen. 'at spontan'ous gen'ration shit's jest 'at." Coulda called jes' 'bout anythin'...meat made flies easiest...if'n'd had somethin' sweet coulda been ants 'r bees 'r butterflies...

"Yeah. Figured that much myself. Had a couple of visions, but they didn't make much sense. Will have to try fasting again soon." Loon onnis face makes me laugh. Looks like'a puppy's dinner's bein' held outta reach.

"Really need t'fast, y'think?" I says, takin'a sip'a beer. "Most times th'right comb'nation'a herbs'n shit'll do fer me...whatcha use?"

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

Syl asks me what Nanshe wants, and I laugh.

"Straight to the point, aren't you, mate? Yeah, all gods want something. But I think Nanshe's not much of a taskmistress as some. She wants worship, really. Offerings of prayer, flowers, food. Those are tokens, really, symbols of what she wants - respect and remembrance. Especially nowadays when most of her fellow gods are forgotten," I say, feeling a pang of sadness for my goddess. "There are some of us who are called to dedicate our lives to her, like I am," I say. "But I see that as a privilege, not a burden, even if it's hard at times..." I smile. "Of course, you'd reckon I'm biased, and you'd be right to. But have a poke around the church sometime if you want, see what you think of it." Can't imagine Syl going in for worshipping my lady, but maybe she'd like to know a bit more about her all the same.

Syl tells me she summoned the insects and I nod.

"Still impressive," I say. "So's it something innate, being able to do that, or can anyone learn it? Or a bit inbetween? My dream reading's sort of both," I say. "Pretty much anyone with some time and half a brain can learn the dream vocabulary, and quite a lot of dreams you can induce with drugs, but not that many people actually manage to read the things all that well." Smile a bit. "Always did have vivid dreams, ever since I was a kid. Reckon that's one reason Nanshe, peace be upon her, noticed me."

Then Syl asks if I need to fast, and I grin.

"Well, I use vervain, valerian, hops and wild lettuce, mostly. Decoct them myself so's I know exactly what's in them. Not that I don't trust the apothecary, but I prefer to make my own, you know? Found that with those in high doses, plus not eating for a day, day and a half, I usually get pretty fucking vivid dreams. I know there's more potent stuff I could use, but no one at the abbey's experienced in the more dangerous herbs, and I'll admit I've been a bit worried I'd go poison myself." I smile at her. "Got any ideas?"

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Well, 'e's gotta sensa humour 'bout'is god, which's more'n I c'n say fer mosta th'priests've run across. "Straight to the point, aren't you, mate? Yeah, all gods want something. But I think Nanshe's not much of a taskmistress as some. She wants worship, really. Offerings of prayer, flowers, food. Those are tokens, really, symbols of what she wants - respect and remembrance. Especially nowadays when most of her fellow gods are forgotten," I say, feeling a pang of sadness for my goddess. "There are some of us who are called to dedicate our lives to her, like I am," I say. "But I see that as a privilege, not a burden, even if it's hard at times..."

Don't see servin' nobody's any sorta priv'lege, but'at's me.

"Of course, you'd reckon I'm biased, and you'd be right to. But have a poke around the church sometime if you want, see what you think of it."

"Might do," I says, noddin'. Don't go much in fer gods m'self, but if'n we's goin' fer mythology reckon'is chick's 'bout's close t'an enemy'a Mr. Psycho Monster's we's like t'get. Might not be a bad idea t'take a look.

"So's it something innate, being able to do that, or can anyone learn it? Or a bit inbetween? My dream reading's sort of both. Pretty much anyone with some time and half a brain can learn the dream vocabulary, and quite a lot of dreams you can induce with drugs, but not that many people actually manage to read the things all that well. Always did have vivid dreams, ever since I was a kid. Reckon that's one reason Nanshe, peace be upon her, noticed me."

"Ain't real sure, t'be honest," I says, thinkin'a Tess. "Me, I jes' picked it up...liked th'sound ovvit, d'cided t'try, found out I could. Kinda figured anybody could, if'n'ey set'eir mind t'it...but now've met girls't say's passed down through'eir fam'lies, so mebbe's both. Lord knows nonna th'ladies in m'fam'ly showed no sign, but'ey didn't have no teachers neither."

Ask'im what'e uses fer dreamin', an'e smiles. "Well, I use vervain, valerian, hops and wild lettuce, mostly. Decoct them myself so's I know exactly what's in them. Not that I don't trust the apothecary, but I prefer to make my own, you know? Found that with those in high doses, plus not eating for a day, day and a half, I usually get pretty fucking vivid dreams. I know there's more potent stuff I could use, but no one at the abbey's experienced in the more dangerous herbs, and I'll admit I've been a bit worried I'd go poison myself. Got any ideas?"

"Us'ally I go in more fer vis'ons'n dreams," I says, "But some places think'ey's 'bout th'same...use peyote a lot, when I c'n get m'hands onnit, 'r else mushrooms. Smoke's also real good, 've found. Burn th'right herbs, really getcha inta th'good headspace." Tilt m'head t'one side. "I know most herbs, 'less we's talkin' real 'xotic shit...what dangerous shit y'thinkin' of?"

This jes' might be fun.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

"Me, I jes' picked it up...liked th'sound ovvit, d'cided t'try, found out I could. Kinda figured anybody could, if'n'ey set'eir mind t'it...but now've met girls't say's passed down through'eir fam'lies, so mebbe's both. Lord knows nonna th'ladies in m'fam'ly showed no sign, but'ey didn't have no teachers neither."

I nod.

"Might be a bit of both luck and effort on your part that makes you good at it," I say. "Luck in that you happen to have a natural knack for it, but from what you say, like my dreams it's not something you can do without effort." Find I like talking to Syl about this. We don't work in the same way at all, but there's enough similarities it's sort of interesting. There's a few people at the abbey as does herb work and is interested in visions - not surprising, given Nanshe's role - but it's nice to get an outside perspective.

"I know most herbs, 'less we's talkin' real 'xotic shit...what dangerous shit y'thinkin' of?"

"Well, I tried out calea z-something... A herb that comes from down south," I say. "Bought some dried leaves a while back," I say. "Don't think it's dangerous really, but it made me want to puke my fucking guts out. I'm wary of mushrooms, cos I dunno if I'd be able to trust them - they make everyone see weird shit, you know? So it'd be harder to tell if I was really getting anything real. Have read that datura gives hallucinations - might be the same problem as with mushrooms, but I've got some papers on a ritual use of it that might make it more reliable for dream purposes. But the guide don't got any quantities - not helpful, cos I know that shit can kill... Same thing with belladonna, which we've actually got growing here cos it's useful for the infirmary - you know, sedation and such. But I tried taking it in a small quantity and it did fuck all, and I don't know enough about prepping it to not poison myself with something more." I smile. "Maybe you could teach me a bit? Got a few herbalists at the abbey, but they mostly know about stuff like feverfew and such, the reliable medicinal herbs."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Might be a bit of both luck and effort on your part that makes you good at it. Luck in that you happen to have a natural knack for it, but from what you say, like my dreams it's not something you can do without effort."

"Ain't nothin' comes without effort, preacher," I says, "Some thin's....y'lovvem 'nough attit c'n feel like'ere ain't no effort t'it, butcha gotta put th'work in jes' th'same, right?" Reckon'e understands.

"Well, I tried out calea z-something... A herb that comes from down south. Bought some dried leaves a while back. Don't think it's dangerous really, but it made me want to puke my fucking guts out. I'm wary of mushrooms, cos I dunno if I'd be able to trust them - they make everyone see weird shit, you know? So it'd be harder to tell if I was really getting anything real. Have read that datura gives hallucinations - might be the same problem as with mushrooms, but I've got some papers on a ritual use of it that might make it more reliable for dream purposes. But the guide don't got any quantities - not helpful, cos I know that shit can kill... Same thing with belladonna, which we've actually got growing here cos it's useful for the infirmary - you know, sedation and such. But I tried taking it in a small quantity and it did fuck all, and I don't know enough about prepping it to not poison myself with something more. Maybe you could teach me a bit? Got a few herbalists at the abbey, but they mostly know about stuff like feverfew and such, the reliable medicinal herbs."

Well, 'at's quite th'list'ere. "First off, don't fuck wit' Datura less'n y'really know whatcher doin'. Too many bloody var'ables...species matters, so does how old th'plant is, where's been growin', right down t'th'fuckin' weather. Fuck up wit' Datura 'n ye're a dead man." Take a swigga beer, "I done some work wit' Datura b'fore...c'n take a look't whatcha got, see if'n's onna th'kinds I know 'n giveya some 'dvice, cuzzit is real good fer vis'ons...but otherwise don't touch't. Too bloody risky.

Munch m'burger while I think, "Now 'shrooms, I like 'shrooms. 'mean, let's face it, anythin' y'use fer dreams 'r vis'ons 's gonna make anybody see weird shit. 'shrooms're gentler'n datura 'r mosta th'other shit out'ere...won't takeya's deep, sure, but near 'mposs'ble t'kill yerself wit'em, 'n c'n still get some useful stuff offa'em. Whatcha gotta do's make sure y'do th'right rit'als b'forehand, get th'right spir'ts t'pay 'ttention, get yerself in th'right headspace." Grin a bit, "Plus, they's fun." Trippin' on 'shrooms's always fun, even if'n I y'don't see nothin' useful.

"Now th'calea...that there's some nice shit fer dreamin'. Natives call it 'dream herb', oughta giveya a clue." 'member gettin' m'hands on somma'at few years back when we wuz down south...good stuff. "Putsya'n real good headpsace, nice'n mellow. An' ain't near's dang'rous's mosta th'other shit out'ere. What'd ya try, makin' tea?" Smile when'e nods. "Yeah, tha's th'trad'tion, but sure does taste lousy, 'n't c'n makeya sick too. Y'c'n try smokin' it, tha's a li'l easier...m'fav'rite's makin' a tincture. Alcohol soothes yer stomach, helps t'relax ya 'n cuts th'taste. Also getsya more bang fer yer buck. How much ya got left?" Damn, first Tess, now'is guy. Startin' t'get used t'talkin shop.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

Listen intently while Syl talks. Reckon she really knows her shit, which is nice. Could be good to have some help from someone as has got a bit of experience.

"Yeah, I made a tea," I say. "Dunno much about doing other stuff... Maybe you should show me how to make a tincture? I've got enough left to make a few cups of tea - would have to weigh it to know how much. Reckon that'd be enough to make a tincture?" I ask. "Could let you take some stuff from our herb garden if you wanted in exchange," I say. "Nothing too unusual in there, but got more than you'll find in the fields round here," I say. Always did prefer to exchange rather than buy; barter's something you can rely on. And it's not like the abbey uses much cash, anyway.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

'e asks me how t'make a tincture, 'n I nod. "Ain't so hard, jes' takes a few days. Gotta get some strong booze 'n a sealed container, lettit sit ferra few days...pretty simple, really. Happy t'come 'round 'n help, 'spec'ally if'n ye'll let me have h'pick'a yer garden." Sure's hell could use sommore shit since we's stuck'ere. "Whenever y'want me t'come by's fine. Happy t'sit witcha if'n y'wanna do th'vis'on thin' too." Helps t'havva second, sometimes, someone t'watch yer back if'n thin's get funky.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

"Would be nice," I say to Syl. "Always good to have someone around in case shit goes down," I add. "And I like having a bit of company." I smile at her. "Stop by any day," I say. "You show up at lunchtime, you can probably get some soup out of it and all," I add with a grin. "We have good soup." I stand up and put a hand on her shoulder. "Been really good to meet you, Syl." And it has been. Looks like I might have made a good friend, and I reckon that can't ever be bad.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Gotta admit, I like'is fella. Preadher, sure, but onna th'real nice ones, onna th'ones't really b'lieves what'e's sayin' 'n tries t'live by whattis book says. C'n respect'at even if'n I don't agree. Don't got no problem wit' comin' by th'help'im out, 'spec'ally not if'n'ey's willin' t'feed me. "Sounds good t'me, preacher. Make it a point t'come by someday soon."

Stands up 'n touches m'shoulder when's time t'go. Don't normally like bein' touched by strangers, buttis fella's okay. 'n pretty. Pretty helps. "Been good t'meetchou too," I says, downin' th'last'a m'beer. Been way more'n ten minutes, 'n Kitty's likely gettin' worried. "Walk ya's far's m'tent, an'll see ya soon."