Bad moon rising

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

Afternoon of Sunday, October 11th

It's a mild enough afternoon as I walk into town. Probably shouldn't be out here; there's things to do back at the abbey. Always plenty to do on a Sunday. But I'm in a thoughtful sort of mood, and the walking helps.

Had a dream last night, about Concetta. Not the first one by a long shot. It's funny, when I first told her I was going to take temporary vows and we broke up, I didn't dream about her at all. I was so immersed in everything, and I thought when I gave up my name I was giving up the past. Of course, it doesn't work as easily as that, and after a few months, when I was really getting into my new life and I knew, really knew, that this was it for me, forever - well, it hurt more then, knowing what I gave up. Didn't change my resolve, and there's never been anything in my life that's made me as happy as serving Nanshe. Never think that I did the wrong thing. But sometimes, over the years, I've dreamed of Concetta, and I've missed her.

Last night's dream was a bit different, though. She wasn't young. Usually in my dreams we're both still young, barely out of our teens, and yeah, sometimes they're sex dreams but not always. Even when they're not, I still usually wake up with a hard-on, cos that's just how it is, if you're a bloke, I reckon. Just cos you give up fucking doesn't mean your cock forgets. It was easy not having sex, the first year or so, cos I was so fervent, and then it was really fucking hard for a couple more years, and then it got easier, and now it doesn't bother me most of the time. But last night's dream rattled me, cos Concetta and me, we was older than we are now. She had all these fine lines around her mouth, and I knew on waking that's just what those lines will look like when she's fifty. Her mouth always did turn down. Made her look sulky when she wasn't. A serious sort of mouth. And in my dream we'd buried my parents, and she took me to bed, which was our bed, and in my dream I was crying as we did it. When I woke up I was crying too. Not exactly fucking difficult to see what that dream was about, really. Got my share of guilt about a few things, I do. And maybe I feel a bit guilty because despite that, despite what I chose and knowing that it hurt people, I don't regret it. Knowing that I can never love anyone as much as I love my goddess. It's right, I think, that we had to give up romance and sex to live at the abbey. Not cos those things are bad. Nanshe is a mother, she loves families. But the way I serve her... There's room for friends in that, but not for anything else. No one else can be anything but second best.

All the same, it nags at me a bit, the dream. Cos I think Concetta and I would've been happy, and she never did get married, did she? Had kids, but never married, and I wonder if that's my fault. Shouldn't be so fucking arrogant, thinking what, I spoiled her for other men, but I wonder sometimes if she'd have found someone to love if she hadn't known me. Would never ask her, though. She'd probably smack me in the face, and quite right too. Can't go around feeling guilty for other people's choices - it's self-indulgent bollocks, is what it is.

I found I've come to the end of Silk Road, and the carnival wheel's turning. On a whim I decide to go across. I've been to the carnival, but not in a while. When I get over it's got a sad, end-of-holiday feel to it, bunting drooping, the wheel turning with no one on it. There's a few kids running about, but the barkers aren't bothering to shout, there's so few people out here. Wonder what they make of me, as I'm still in my robes. Don't really mind.

I buy myself some cotton candy. The sugar in my mouth makes me smile. Food's always been a way to cheer me up, and there's something so happily pointless about cotton candy. Fluffy sugar, I mean, what's the point of it except to make you smile? There's something lovely in that. Not everything needs a point, after all. Sometimes it's enough for the wheel to just keep turning.

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Comments

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Been a dull fuckin' night so far. I still ain't doin' bad bizness...folks don't get tired'a what I got t'sell...but mosta th'rest'a th'Lot's suff'rin'. Folk don't hardly look'at th'rides'r th'games no more, an'ey's gotten'eir fill'a th'sideshow 'n th'performers. Th'Grindhouse 'n somma th'other "special" stalls 'r th'only ones still doin' real good bizness. We's startin' t'hurt. So far ain't had no trouble gettin' food on th'table...Management's made sur'a that...but lotsa folks gettin' bored, havin' trouble gettin' 'nough cash fer th'li'l luxuries. Somma th'displays 'r lookin' neglected (not th'rides; Zann'd rip alla th'skin offa'er own back 'fore she let any ovvem go t'seed), but somma th'others don't see th'point'n keepin' thin's nice. Don't like it, me. Don't like seein' m'home goin' downhill.

No crowds t'day...'course, don't us'ally get too many folks onna Sunday afternoon, what wittus bein' th'plac'a sin 'n allat. But e'en'en, 's pretty fuckin' dead. Got done up in m'witch gear, but so far ain't seen no custom. Likely won't see th'real deal 'til t'night anyway. But ain't got nothin' else t'do, so might's well see if'n I c'n make a few bucks. Standin' outside m'tent takin' a smoke break right now, tryin' t'think 'bout thin's. 'tween gettin' ridda Lily, th'shit Management's pullin' an' ev'rythin' wit'Tez, seems like I got way too fuckin' much t'think 'bout lately.

Fella's walkin' by...monk? Might be monk, yeah, monk 'r priest 'r somethin' like'at, what wit'ose robes. Don't see too many church folk in'ere, but ev'ry so often we get somebody lookin' fer some harmless fun....else we get th'nasty ones comin' fer th'Grindhouse. Sometimes'ey jes' want'eir itch scratched, but th'girls've told me somma th'nastiest clients'ey ever got wuz priests. Th'ones'at try t'walk out wit'out payin' 'r get mean afterwards...

...but'is one don't look mean. Young, maybe few years younger'n me, 'n right pretty too. 'at don't mean much, but'e's eatin' fuckin' cotton candy, an's gettin' caught innis beard, an' aint'a man 'live't c'n look nasty wit' cotton candy innis beard. An'e's gotta nice smile too. Can't help but smile back, jes' got onna those faces.

[nansekam.livejournal.com]

"think somma th'seers've had funny dreams, 'spec'ally 'bout th'Tower, but ain't heard nothin' 'bout red'n blue cities."

"A lot of people in town had the same dream," I say. "One where Excolo was a great city, but it burned, and the other where it was a prosperous and peaceful place."

"Yer goddess sends ya dreams, then?"

"Yeah," I say. "Sometimes out of the blue, but mostly I've got to work for them. Ritual stuff - take some herbs, fast..." I look down at what's left of my burger. "Which you can probably tell isn't my favourite thing to do," I say with a grin.

"'n hate t'tell ya'is, Kam, but th'Devil does live innat tower. 'r at least close 'nough. S'big an's mean, annit don't got th'best intent'ons."

"Fuck," I say despondently. If several unconnected people are convinced about the truth of it, looks like Shaitan lives in the tower. Bollocks and fuckery.

"Tried t'take a closer look't it m'self, magic-like. Made me regret it."

Now that makes me perk up curiously.

"So you can do that? Wasn't sure if your magic was real - no offence, Syl. We've had a few women through town who claimed to be witches - mostly selling coloured water to silly girls, and to be honest I didn't begrudge them making a living, cos living on the road isn't an easy life. But you've really got it, eh?" I grin. "Nice to know there are decent folk who've got a bit of power to them, given what's been going on in town. So what did you see?" I ask curiously.