Give them pleasure - the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Friday, 19 September

The horror's ended. I felt it: a slow drain of something downwards into the land of something. A saturation. It went through me - it went through everything - and I think it was something I used to know. I felt it settle into soil and stone and thought: Oh. Please. That. I want that.

I curled up around the wanting for a while. Part of me was still in the horror. It was the oldest nightmare, of course. I think I can still smell rotting flesh, like it's caught in my nose. I try to snort it out, but it won't go.

But it's not in the hallway any more when I go out, or on the stairs, or anywhere in the building. People shut their doors when I go past: do they know it was my dream that occupied the house? The body stinks of sweat. When I'm out of town I stop and swim in the river as if it can wash more than the smell away. After that I think of going back, but I don't. I feel like I've been so afraid, during the horror, that I don't have any fear left.

I follow the pull and the memory together to what was home, once.

[Open to Genny]

Comments

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

His eyes get all faraway. "Hard, yes. I didn't remember anything at first, only that I had to come here. I wasn't - Tez, then." Am I now? "Just...a thing pulled out of the dark and put into a body. And then I started being Micah, a bit. And then I…remembered."

Yeah. Not bein' who you really are. That's how I was, too, all that time. Can't really 'member nothin', 'cause I couldn't 'member nothin' then. Just gray, and headaches, and giggles that wasn't really happy. Weird fingerpainted pictures, weird animals that I made come alive for a few minutes till they flopped over and I cried.

"Glad you're back," I say real soft. I reach out to take his hand again, and squeeze it for a second. "It's real hard to do that. But I'm glad."

"I'm going to talk to Management," I say. "I don't have anywhere else to go, after all."

"I'd like it if you came back to the Carnival." Can't smile all the way, not when I'm thinkin' 'bout Management, but I like thinkin' 'bout Tez bein' back. "Who else knows you're back? Does Syl know?"

Oh heck. He's been back all this time, and what if Syl don't know? He'd better go tell her if he ain't already done it, or she'll be mad.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I feel myself smile when she takes my hand. It's a bigger smile than I've had in a while.

And then she asks if Syl knows and I feel my face fall a bit. "No," I say. I can hear that it's a bit shifty. "I saw her, but... I'll talk to her after Management. Lucien knows. Valmont's family. No one from here, now."

I look at her for a moment longer. I need to go and see Management, but: "Are you really alright?" I need to be sure.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"No," I say. I can hear that it's a bit shifty. "I saw her, but... I'll talk to her after Management. Lucien knows. Valmont's family. No one from here, now."

"You gotta tell her! You gotta. It ain't fair if you don't, not when you been back all this time." Why didn't he tell her before? Or me? Tellin' Doc, okay, but the Whitechapel fella and his wife knew before Syl? "I don't think I can keep this a secret from her. I wouldn't feel right doin' that." I don't think he feels right neither, not with the way his eyes don't meet mine and his mouth gets all twisty. "You gotta tell her!"

"Are you really alright?"

He means that - I can tell. "I'm okay," I say with a little smile. "Honest. Yesterday was real hard, but I ain't hurt or nothin'."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"I will," I promise. Reluctantly, because I can imagine how Syl will react. "Let me talk to Management. And then I will." I won't break a promise to Genny.

"I'm okay. Honest. Yesterday was real hard, but I ain't hurt or nothin'."

Yesterday? "It was only one day?" I don't know how many it was for me. It's turned twisty in my mind. I shake my head. "I'm - glad you're alright." I am. I look at her for a long moment. She really is alright, isn't she? Not like she was. Not like I made her.

"I've got to go, for now," I tell her. "But I'll come back. I promise. And tell Syl."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Okay," I sigh. It'd be better if he'd tell her now, 'cause she oughta know! But I guess he's gotta tell Management too, and they'd be even madder'n Syl if he didn't tell them.

Well, maybe. It's hard to say.

But I believe him when he says it, and when he says that he's glad I'm okay, too. "Thanks. I - I'm real glad you're back." It's so strange lookin' at him, 'cause it don't look like him, but I know it is him. So I go over and hug him, real hard, 'cause that's what I'd do if it was Tez.