Give them pleasure - the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Friday, 19 September

The horror's ended. I felt it: a slow drain of something downwards into the land of something. A saturation. It went through me - it went through everything - and I think it was something I used to know. I felt it settle into soil and stone and thought: Oh. Please. That. I want that.

I curled up around the wanting for a while. Part of me was still in the horror. It was the oldest nightmare, of course. I think I can still smell rotting flesh, like it's caught in my nose. I try to snort it out, but it won't go.

But it's not in the hallway any more when I go out, or on the stairs, or anywhere in the building. People shut their doors when I go past: do they know it was my dream that occupied the house? The body stinks of sweat. When I'm out of town I stop and swim in the river as if it can wash more than the smell away. After that I think of going back, but I don't. I feel like I've been so afraid, during the horror, that I don't have any fear left.

I follow the pull and the memory together to what was home, once.

[Open to Genny]

Comments

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

I couldn't see. I couldn't see, and I couldn't find Momma or Zann or the twins or nobody. Every time I went out of my trailer it was dark and quiet and I couldn't see nothin'

Don't know how long it lasted. Couldn't tell nothin', 'cept that there was somethin' magic goin' on. The magic felt big and powerful like the ocean, rollin' in and out and crashin' over everybody. But I couldn't see, and I didn't know whether it was just me that couldn't see or if the lights was out for everyone. Didn't know whether it was a day or an hour or a week that I lay there in the dark.

When the light came back I was all worn out from cryin'. Thirsty, too.

First I just cried more, 'cause I was so happy that it wasn't dark no more. Then I went to find Momma, and soon's I stepped outside I got stopped by everyone and his uncle, 'cause everybody had weird stuff goin' on from that big magic. There was walkin' trees and talkin' animals and people runnin' 'round without their clothes on and the river overflowin'. Somebody said they saw Syl comin' back all beat up and tired, so maybe she done somethin' to help? Or maybe Nu did?

Can't find Syl, but I find Momma and Zann and the twins and I hug 'em all, and then I stumble off to the edge of the lot. Don't even know where I'm goin' but I feel like I got go there, like somethin's pullin' me to this one spot.

When I get there, there's…a boy. I know I seen him somewhere. I know him but I don't know where from.

"Um. Hey?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Her face is all sticky. Is she hurt? She doesn't look hurt. "Are you hurt? You were crying." I can feel myself in her, distantly. The blood Syl used isn't the blood in this body.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Hurt?" I repeat. "I - I dunno. Not really hurt. Just…" Blind? Lost? Trapped? "Scared, I guess? When everythin' went funny." I wipe my face real quick, tryin' to get rid of all the red and messy of cryin'. Don't want him to see.

Why don't I? He's a stranger, ain't he?

'Cept I know him. I know him. I can feel that I know him and I don't know why.

"Um. Are you okay?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Um. Are you okay?"

I don't like knowing she was scared. It makes me tense, but I say: "I was scared, too." You don't need to be, now, Genny. I don't know how to say that. "Um. Can I - talk to you?" I wish I could pull up more of my old self. Being nervous seems to push it away.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Yeah...." It comes out real slow 'cause I'm thinkin' so hard, and lookin' at the boy so hard, and 'cause there's somethin' poundin' in my head. Heartbeat, and blood, and...

"Do I know you?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Yes. I met you before. And - " I don't know how to tell her. I suppose I should just say it, so: "My name's Micah. But it used to be Tez."

...It feels very odd, still, to say that.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"What?"

Tezcatlipoca, Tezcatlipoca. It rumbles in my blood and my heartbeat, left behind and dormant and dead but always there…

"What?? No. No. You can't be. You ain't. You can't be."

baby jaguar stretches out its paws, planets spin in space and inside my head

"You can't be!" I know I'm cryin' again and I don't care. "You died. You died when I was - when I was sick, and that's how I got better, and - and you can't be!"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

She's crying. I'm not sure what to do about it. "I am," I say. "I did. I died. I - came back. Sort of." I don't think I'm doing this very well. I reach down into the Tez memories, bring up his words: "Hey. Don't cry, Genny-o." They sound wrong in this voice.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

It's like the same tune played on a different instrument. Same notes, same sound, same everythin'. That's what Tez used to say and it's Tez sayin' it now, callin' me Genny-o and bein' nice and all.

"How'd this happen? How'd you come back? I thought gods couldn't die but if you did I thought you had to stay dead! If you come back then how come I'm not - not broken again?" I'm cryin' harder now and I don't hardly know which way I'm cryin, happy or sad. If it's really him then I'm happy, but if it's not, or if it's just another one of them dreams, then I think I'd be too sad to stand it.

baby jaguar stretches and climbs and leaps! -

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"I was...put back together. No." I still don't know how to explain it. "I was made again. Out of what I was. Am." I rub my face a bit. He used to do that, didn't he. I feel quite confused. "I do remember. But it's - far away. Mostly." Will I remember better with her - am I remembering better - like with Iblis? "Something brought me back here." I look at her seriously. "I'm not like I was. I think that's why you're - alright. I did die. He did." Should I apologise?

"I'm glad you're better," I say instead. I know that much. "If me coming back had broken you again," I say, deciding it, "I would have found a way to do it again."

She's crying very hard now. The Tez I was would have put his arms around her. "Can I touch you?" That sounded wrong.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I was...put back together. No." I still don't know how to explain it. "I was made again. Out of what I was. Am." I rub my face a bit. He used to do that, didn't he. I feel quite confused. "I do remember. But it's - far away. Mostly." Will I remember better with her - am I remembering better - like with Iblis? "Something brought me back here." I look at her seriously. "I'm not like I was. I think that's why you're - alright. I did die. He did."

"How? Who made you? Who can do that?" His body was all gone. Syl told me! It was burned and blood and then I painted with it, and I'm glad I don't 'member that bit 'cause it would've been awful if I knew. When a god's body is all gone, who can bring him back?

"I'm glad you're better," I say instead. I know that much. "If me coming back had broken you again," I say, deciding it, "I would have found a way to do it again."

He sounds like Tez and he don't sound like Tez, and I can feel him, can feel the drumbeats and stars and baby jaguar leaping playing…

"Th-thanks?" I want to let go - I want to just play like I did before, runnin' under stars and makin' colors real and true. I want to go back! But I can't…

"Can I touch you?"

"What??" I back away, staring at him. That ain't Tez!

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I look at her face and I either want to laugh or cry: I'm not sure which. I don't do either. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." I don't think I apologised much before. "I just want to feel you're real. I know you are, but." That we really fixed her, that I'm here. "Is Syl better? I was there when she was in the woods, I got shot - " There's suddenly so much I want to ask and know. "Does Zann still have my truck - is it alright?" Part of me wants to ask, Can I come home? Which makes me think of Valmont, and Iblis and just - too much.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

He asked about the truck. But he asked about Syl first. It's soundin' more like Tez, more like that same tune played on a different instrument like the music of the stars in a strange key under a different sky.

Like Tez and not like Tez.

"Syl's okay now. Better. She - she got shot too, but she's better now. And - and Zann ain't done much with the truck, but it's still okay." It hurt too much for Zann to look at the truck, 'cause there was just so much that needed to be fixed, and now she just don't go out there much. "She takes good care of all of her machines." I smile a little when I think 'bout that.

"And - yeah, I'm real." I wipe my hand off on my jeans, 'cause it's still wet from where I was cryin', and I reach out towards….him.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"It had better be okay," I say, and try a smile. She's smiling a bit too. And she holds her hand out to me.

Genny. I'm scared to break her again, but I reach out and take her hand, just lightly. I can feel my self in her, a low echo somewhere: not Micah, not Tez. "You came apart too," I say to her, "and came back together. I'm - glad. That you're alright."

This body is aware of her in a way that the old one never was. I don't like that, not with Genny. It makes me want to go to the river and wash until my skin is raw. I lot go of her hand quite gently. "...Are you painting?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

He takes my hand and it feels like a drumbeat far away when our blood comes near each other.

Tezcatlipoca.

The blood don't feel the same and his hand don't feel the same, but it's still there. I hold on tight, and smile.

"You came apart too," I say to her, "and came back together. I'm - glad. That you're alright."

"Thanks," I sniffle. "It - it was 'cause of you that I got fixed. So…thanks."

He lets go, and he's still lookin' at me kinda funny. I don't know the way this Tez's face works - I can't read the lines like I could on when he was Tez, and I don't know what all of his expressions mean. But it's him, and I know it's him.

"...Are you painting?"

"Yeah." I smile again when he asks, 'cause it feels like old times, sorta. "I done some pretty good stuff, too." Zann and the carousel. She was broke and come back together too. Not all the way, not as much as I wanted or she wanted, but enough to make her not hurt all the time, and that makes me smile a little too. "Not much for myself no more. Ain't much to paint or draw 'round here that I ain't already done."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

She thanks me and I shrug awkwardly. I don't say I would rather have stayed dead because I think it would upset her. (See, Valmont, I am doing better.)

"I'm glad you're painting." I remember, dim and far away, smears of paint on paper, colour on her hands, her blank eyes. "You could paint me," I say, "but you did that before. I still have it. Have it again." I wonder what she would paint now?

I don't know what else to say to her. I think this used to be easier.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Do you want me to?

No. No. Don't paint him; don't make him nothin' 'cept what he is. Don't try to paint him into a god!

My hands've gone all tight into little fists. I make 'em uncurl real slow, and breathe out. Don't think 'bout that. Don't think 'bout goin' into the other world, 'cause then I'll want to stay there.

"Um. Where you keepin' the picture? I mean, where are you these days? Do you have a job? How long've you been back?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Do you want me to?"

"I don't know." I tilt my head a bit. "Maybe one day?" I can see her fists all clenched, and hear that she's breathing strangely. It makes me curious, mostly.

"Um. Where you keepin' the picture? I mean, where are you these days? Do you have a job? How long've you been back?"

I laugh a bit, because that's a lot of questions. "Where I used to live, in the old tenement building. I don't have a job. And - " I try to work it out, but I still have difficulty with time, sometimes. "I don't know. Weeks. Months." I think of what she might like to know: "I stayed with Valmont at first. At the inn." My chest twinges a bit, which annoys me.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I don't know." I tilt my head a bit. "Maybe one day?"

"Maybe," I agree. 'Cept I don't know if I mean it. Don't know if it'd be good to paint him, not a special picture or not a regular one. If just thinkin' 'bout it makes me want to go back to that other place, what'd I do if I really painted him?

"Where I used to live, in the old tenement building. I don't have a job. And - " I try to work it out, but I still have difficulty with time, sometimes. "I don't know. Weeks. Months." I think of what she might like to know: "I stayed with Valmont at first. At the inn."

"Oh. That's a good place to go. Everyone says he's real nice." I ain't been there much, but everyone said he was good to the Carnival folks, even right at the beginning when the townies was all suspicious. Tez - or Micah? Or whoever he is. He don't look too happy 'bout it, though. I can see his face gettin' all tight.

"It musta been hard," I say real quiet. "How'd you come back? Do you know?" I add, 'cause maybe he don't know, I guess.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Everyone says he's real nice."

"He is," I say, a bit wistfully. "His wife didn't want me there, though, so I had to leave."

"It musta been hard. How'd you come back? Do you know?"

You understand something about coming back, don't you, Genny. I breathe out. "Hard, yes. I didn't remember anything at first, only that I had to come here. I wasn't - Tez, then." Am I now? "Just...a thing pulled out of the dark and put into a body. And then I started being Micah, a bit. And then I...remembered." I rub my face.

"I'm going to talk to Management," I say. "I don't have anywhere else to go, after all."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

His eyes get all faraway. "Hard, yes. I didn't remember anything at first, only that I had to come here. I wasn't - Tez, then." Am I now? "Just...a thing pulled out of the dark and put into a body. And then I started being Micah, a bit. And then I…remembered."

Yeah. Not bein' who you really are. That's how I was, too, all that time. Can't really 'member nothin', 'cause I couldn't 'member nothin' then. Just gray, and headaches, and giggles that wasn't really happy. Weird fingerpainted pictures, weird animals that I made come alive for a few minutes till they flopped over and I cried.

"Glad you're back," I say real soft. I reach out to take his hand again, and squeeze it for a second. "It's real hard to do that. But I'm glad."

"I'm going to talk to Management," I say. "I don't have anywhere else to go, after all."

"I'd like it if you came back to the Carnival." Can't smile all the way, not when I'm thinkin' 'bout Management, but I like thinkin' 'bout Tez bein' back. "Who else knows you're back? Does Syl know?"

Oh heck. He's been back all this time, and what if Syl don't know? He'd better go tell her if he ain't already done it, or she'll be mad.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I feel myself smile when she takes my hand. It's a bigger smile than I've had in a while.

And then she asks if Syl knows and I feel my face fall a bit. "No," I say. I can hear that it's a bit shifty. "I saw her, but... I'll talk to her after Management. Lucien knows. Valmont's family. No one from here, now."

I look at her for a moment longer. I need to go and see Management, but: "Are you really alright?" I need to be sure.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"No," I say. I can hear that it's a bit shifty. "I saw her, but... I'll talk to her after Management. Lucien knows. Valmont's family. No one from here, now."

"You gotta tell her! You gotta. It ain't fair if you don't, not when you been back all this time." Why didn't he tell her before? Or me? Tellin' Doc, okay, but the Whitechapel fella and his wife knew before Syl? "I don't think I can keep this a secret from her. I wouldn't feel right doin' that." I don't think he feels right neither, not with the way his eyes don't meet mine and his mouth gets all twisty. "You gotta tell her!"

"Are you really alright?"

He means that - I can tell. "I'm okay," I say with a little smile. "Honest. Yesterday was real hard, but I ain't hurt or nothin'."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"I will," I promise. Reluctantly, because I can imagine how Syl will react. "Let me talk to Management. And then I will." I won't break a promise to Genny.

"I'm okay. Honest. Yesterday was real hard, but I ain't hurt or nothin'."

Yesterday? "It was only one day?" I don't know how many it was for me. It's turned twisty in my mind. I shake my head. "I'm - glad you're alright." I am. I look at her for a long moment. She really is alright, isn't she? Not like she was. Not like I made her.

"I've got to go, for now," I tell her. "But I'll come back. I promise. And tell Syl."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Okay," I sigh. It'd be better if he'd tell her now, 'cause she oughta know! But I guess he's gotta tell Management too, and they'd be even madder'n Syl if he didn't tell them.

Well, maybe. It's hard to say.

But I believe him when he says it, and when he says that he's glad I'm okay, too. "Thanks. I - I'm real glad you're back." It's so strange lookin' at him, 'cause it don't look like him, but I know it is him. So I go over and hug him, real hard, 'cause that's what I'd do if it was Tez.