Women are made to be loved, not understood.

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

[Friday, August 22nd (Day 453)]
[Late Afternoon, The General Store]

I've mulled this over as long as possible. There was talking, there was compromising, there was some happy note there at the end: and still, still, I have no idea where we stand. It shouldn't bother me -- it doesn't bother me, i won't let it -- but it does. She slept just fine, I made sure of that, with nothing else to worry after. It's not as though I can't cook, I've learned to tend to the baby, and there's room enough for all three of us here, more than enough if she'd think to step foot in the damn house I bought--

To be fair, I'm probably wrong. And to be fair, I doubt if it even matters. But, to be fair, I am drunk.

So I run a comb through my hair, find a mint hiding in the nightstand drawer, and head over to the General Store.

[Open to Kate]

[Closed]

Comments

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

It's a quiet sort of day in the store, and so I'm doing some knitting behind the counter. Well, it'll be winter in a few months but Glass's baby is going to keep on growing, so I should be prepared. My needles clack gently and the afternoon's passing quite well.

The door bell rings and I look up with a smile.

"Dorian," I say, and then feel myself frown slightly. There's something about the way he's walking... Is he drunk? I set my knitting down. "How nice to see you."

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

I don't know how someone can put down their knitting in a disapproving manner, but Kate just managed it. Impressive. I lean against the counter, smile, and I think it comes across a bit more dashing than drunken, I think.

"Good to see you, too." I realize, suddenly, how much easier this is with Miao. I give her money, we have sex, then we talk; there's a definite sequence of events there, certain things expected along the way. "Are you busy?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Not very busy," I say. "Are you drunk?" I raise my eyebrows at him and stand up, pulling out the extra stool from behind the counter. "Sit down, do, before you fall down."

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Not very busy. Are you drunk?" She makes it sound like such a horrible thing. "Perhaps. A little, yes." She fetches a stool from behind the counter. "Sit down, do, before you fall down." Overly dramatic there. I'm not going to fall down, I have experience.

I sit down. "Have you talked to Glass recently?" There. That's seems a good segue. Subtle.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

He sits down quite heavily and I restrain myself from rolling my eyes.

"Have you talked to Glass recently?"

"I saw her on Tuesday, when I brought over some soup," I say. I always make lots, after all. I tilt my head. "Did you upset her?" That might explain the drinking.

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"You always assume I've upset her." Honestly, we have had conversations that didn't involve yelling. Not recently, but we've had them. "I don't always upset her."

Mind, Kate's just talked to her Tuesday. "I imagine she was still on about that whole 'closet' thing?" Somehow this is going to get turned around, isn't it? "Ignoring that she nearly got herself killed last week. And here's me, not allowed to say one word about it."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"I think she's got good reason to be cross with you, and you know it perfectly well," I say tartly. "Honestly, Dorian, it's not as if she set out to have her life put in danger!" I look at his expression and sigh. "You know I worry too. Even by Excolo standards, Glass does seem to get into danger more often that usual. But you can't just lock her up. Is that why you've been drinking? Because she's still angry?"

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"She never sets out to do it. She just does it. Every... Every week, almost." And yes I can just lock her up. The problem is that she's prone to not speaking to me after.

I start to lean back, decide against it, and cross my arms instead. "No, she's not still angry." Damn it. "I asked her to move in with me."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Well, at least he's not blaming her. I think he would have done, once. We've all changed in the past year...

"I asked her to move in with me."

...Oh.

"I see," I say, quite steadily. I'm not sure I should feel - I don't know. "Did she say no, then? Is that why you're drunk?"

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Of course she said no." I smile and tell myself it's ridiculous, the mere idea of it. "Pretty stupid idea, huh?"

Though leave it to Kate to keep coming back to the drinking. "And I'm drunk because I had a lot to drink. Today." As though one has anything to do with the other, really.

Speaking of, I could use another drink. Not that I'll say as much. I look around the store instead, wondering why I'm even here. Something about talking. "Just wish I knew why she said no," I say, to the can of beans on the shelf there.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I sigh a little.

"Dorian," I point out, "her marriage collapsed recently, she has a very young baby to look after, and - as you point out - she keeps nearly getting killed. Don't you think moving in with you might be a bit much to think about right now?"

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Dorian," she says, "her marriage collapsed recently, she has a very young baby to look after, and - as you point out - she keeps nearly getting killed." Exactly. "Don't you think moving in with you might be a bit much to think about right now?" Oh. Wait.

"Well, no." I don't really like the look she's giving right now. "I mean, yes, I know all of that, but-- but all the more reason I could help?" That last shouldn't have sounded so much like a question, but there's nothing to be done for it.

I take a breath and start over. "She was happy enough when it was the three of us but apparently that was some sort of all or nothing--" That was only so much better. "Seems I wasn't even an option, is all."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"I mean, yes, I know all of that, but-- but all the more reason I could help?"

Well, that's an understandable impulse, and quite a sweet one, so I'm about to explain why Glass might not find it very helpful right now when he has to keep talking and spoil my better opinion.

"She was happy enough when it was the three of us but apparently that was some sort of all or nothing-- Seems I wasn't even an option, is all."

I stare at him for a moment.

"Dorian Gray," I say, "you are the most -" I try to summon up a word, and pick up one I read in a novel Hermia loaned me - "prodigious idiot. How can you be older than this town and have no idea about how a woman might be feeling in Glass's circumstances?" I shake my head. "She's lost her marriage, don't you suppose she might need some time to herself?" Honestly, he is a ridiculous person.

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Dorian Gray," she starts, "you are the most-- prodigious idiot." I should have gone to Miao. "How can you be older than this town and have no idea about how a woman might be feeling in Glass's circumstances?"

"Practice," I say, but only under my breath.

"She's lost her marriage, don't you suppose she might need some time to herself?"

"So it was fine to be with me while she was married, but now..." Heaven knows where I'm going with that, no doubt something just to annoy Kate -- which isn't even the point here -- and I let it drop.

"It's not like this is some new thing. Iago's gone, fine, but I'm here. I'm still here." She's still looking at me, like that, and the alcohol's done shit for my common sense because I'm still here. More annoyed now than upset, but still sitting here. "It would be nice, for once, to place higher than second. With anyone."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I just look at him for a moment. He is so annoying! Sometimes I do wish I didn't care about him, but... I do, so there it is.

"Dorian," I say, after a moment, "Glass hasn't ended things with you, has she? So... why are you pushing her to do something she isn't ready for? She loves you, I know that. And you love her. And suddenly she's a mother, and she feels like she can't rely on the father of her child, and... It's a lot to deal with. Can't you just... love her and be there for her and let her decide when she wants to - commit to you like that?" I shake my head. "It seems like you've suddenly decided that you're ready for that - and I remember when caring about Glass made you want to hide from her, not live with her, and it wasn't so long ago - and you expect Glass should be, too. Well. People are more complicated than that." I fold my arms.

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

I don't say anything for a stretch. I don't really look at her, either. She's right, of course. She's right, I'm wrong, everything's just fine... I don't feel better, though.

"What if the baby's mine?" I look back to Kate. Now that I've said it, it's almost real. An actual possibility. Makes me a little queasy, honestly. "What the hell--"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I blink.

"Well, I thought you said it couldn't be yours? Because of your... condition." I shake my head. "And I don't suppose there's any way to find out, so... I suppose the baby's is just... Glass's, and you can love her for that alone."

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I changed my mind." Seems a ridiculous way to phrase it, once it's out. "I mean... I thought about it. I think-- Well, it happened before." Not getting into that, no.

Do they sell alcohol here? Never thought to ask before now. "And I already do love her. The baby. But, if I'm her father, that changes things. Doesn't it?" It has to. Somehow.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"It happened before?" I sit up straighter on my chair. "You're - you're a father?" Oh. That's...

"And I already do love her. The baby. But, if I'm her father, that changes things. Doesn't it?"

"I don't know, Dorian," I say, and shake my head. "Glass grew up without a father, and so she doesn't seem that worried about having one in her baby's life... And if you love her already, and if you love Glass, and you all stay together in future, well, that's a family regardless of a blood tie, isn't it?" It gives me a little...pang, but I ignore it.

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I don't care if she's worried about it." Damn it. That came out a little too honest, didn't it? "I'm being selfish. And I know I'm being selfish, but there's nothing for it." I wish I could go back to being annoyed. It was much easier than this, whatever this is.

I sigh. "I'm not a father. I mean, there wasn't actually a-- They died." Which is a very nice way of putting things. Very polite. "I fucked it up, and I don't want to do that again."

This is all getting rather pathetic. "If she's even mine. Which is barely even a possibility. Don't know why I'm even going on about it." Except that I can't help it. And that bothers me. "She's just stubborn, you know? Glass is. She doesn't... She doesn't actually need me."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"They died?" Oh, Dorian. He's going on, tying himself up in knots, and when he comes to a stop I put my hand over his.

"Glass doesn't need anyone, not the way you mean it, I think. She's... self-sufficient. But she needs you in the sense that she loves you and wants to be able to rely on you. So. Give her that, if you can? She's my best friend, after all, and I'd hate to have to lock you in a cupboard if you make her miserable," and I smile a bit.

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

She puts her hand over mine. I look down at it, a bit calmer just having her here. "Glass doesn't need anyone, not the way you mean it, I think. She's... self-sufficient." Yes, I know. It's obnoxious. "But she needs you in the sense that she loves you and wants to be able to rely on you." I look up from our hands. "So. Give her that, if you can? She's my best friend, after all, and I'd hate to have to lock you in a cupboard if you make her miserable."

I laugh. It's a startled thing, but happy enough. "Are you coming on to me?" I grin. "Can't say it's the right time, honestly."

I must be sobering. A horrible thought, really. And more dangerous than being drunk. I turn my hand over and squeeze hers. Briefly. Barely noticeable, if anyone were here to notice. And then pull it back. "Thank you." Everything's far from right, nothing's fixed, but I feel a little better. It's something. "I'll try."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I laugh and shake my head at him.

"You're horrible," I say. "And how can it be the wrong time? I thought there was never a wrong time. Clearly you have overstated your reputation to me," I say, and raise my eyebrows.

Dorian squeezes my hand, and I feel a little pang of... something.

"Thank you," he says. "I'll try."

"You had better," I warn, and hesitate a minute, then lean across the counter and kiss his cheek lightly. "Now go and have some coffee."

[dorian-excolo.livejournal.com]

"You're horrible," she says, though she's laughing. "And how can it be the wrong time?" Raise an eyebrow at that. "I thought there was never a wrong time. Clearly you have overstated your reputation to me." Is she flirting with me? Dear God, I think she is...

The mood becomes sedate when I thank her. "You had better," she says and I smile again. It only flickers when she leans over and kisses my cheek. "Now go and have some coffee."

"Right." I stand up. "I should go." I'm there for a moment more, hands in my pockets and only swaying the slightest bit. "Before you can no longer contain yourself. Ruin this nice moment with, just the most torrid things imaginable. I know your sort."

Ha. All right. I head out, but not before pausing at the door. "Trying for a new 'Let's all stay indoors on Wednesdays' tradition. You're welcome to stop by next week, if you're free for dinner."

She's a very lovely woman. Knowing that the way I do only makes life more difficult. But times like this I'm happy for it, happy that we're friends. Friends. I shake my head as I walk back to the Sacred Whore.