You should live twice; in it and in my rhyme

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

[Saturday, August 16, morning]
[Hermia and Valmont's apartment]

I thought I was careful.

No, I was careful! I always am! I count, and I have all the herbs measured out exactly, and I never forget to take them. There is too much work to be done, and too many other things to worry about. After we have made the blue city come into being, and chased the red city away - then I can stop taking the herbs, and start planning for the far future. For now I must concentrate on magic, and on fighting!

Or, that's what I thought.

At first I thought that I had counted incorrectly, or marked the wrong day on my calendar. But then the days passed and my monthly bleeding still did not come.

And then three days ago, there was that horrible burst of Power, and the dead birds. Chester and I are still trying to puzzle it out. Perhaps now that the Power was released, my body would return to its normal rhythms?

Except that it did not. I checked my calendar again and again, and still once more. The more I checked, and the more I considered, the more I started to think that...perhaps I did not miscount?

Yesterday I tried to go to Lucien's office on the way home from the library, but he was not there - odd, that he wasn't; I hope he's all right. Glass wasn't in either. I have tried to think of who else would know about such things - perhaps that woman from the carnival that people have spoken about? Or, well, there is Syl, but she would hardly welcome me!

And the more that I have thought about it, the more I want to talk to Valmont. Yes, Lucien or Glass or the carnival midwife could confirm it and give me details, and of course I want that and need that! But Valmont is the one I talk to when I am anxious or happy or excited or uncertain, and I am all of those right now. And the more I think about it, the more I want him to be the first person that I speak to about it.

I sit on the bed, hugging my knees to my chest, watching Valmont sleep, waiting for him to wake while my heart flutters with nerves.

What am I doing? What am I thinking? Yes, I have battles to fight, and there is Excolo to save. But who will live in the Excolo that we make, if not the children who will come after us? What better way is there to say that I believe what we are fighting for, if not to show that I have faith that the world will still be here nine months from now, and to try to make that world better?

Well, not nine months. More like seven and a half, if I have counted correctly.

Dear gods, seven and a half months!

Dear gods, when will Valmont wake up?

[Open to Valmont]

Comments

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

Last night was very busy in the bar. It's been quite busy in general since that strange incident on Wednesday. Excolo showing its colours does tend to drive people to drink. And so I came to bed very late last night. I wake up groggy, head thick with strange dreams, and am surprised to see Hermia sitting on the bed. She's dressed, so it must be late...

"Morning, darling," I say, rubbing my face.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Good morning," I murmur, smiling down at Valmont. Despite my nerves, seeing Valmont returning to the world always makes me happy. I reach over to smooth his hair back from his face, my fingers brushing lightly over his forehead - and then bend over to add a light kiss to his lips. "Was it another long night?"

I want to say it. I want to say it now! But I cannot do that to Valmont, not when he is barely awake! I'll wait for him to wake up a bit more first...

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

I smile sleepily up at Hermia as she kisses me.

"I think I came to bed at three," I say. "The bar was very busy. We are making good money, at least," I say, and smile at her, then stretch a bit. "Is there any coffee in the pot?"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"I think I came to bed at three," I say. "The bar was very busy. We are making good money, at least."

"Three?" I repeat with a grimace. "Ugh, that is busy! But things can't have gotten too out of hand if I slept through it all."

Or perhaps I was sleeping because I'm supposed to be more tired? I am forever rethinking the last few weeks in my mind - was this feeling really what I thought it was? What about that one?

"Is there any coffee in the pot?"

"Don't worry - I left some for you," I reply, sitting back against the pillows while Valmont stirs and stretches.

Is this the sort of thing that one says before coffee, or after?

After. Definitely after.

So I must go with him to the kitchen. I spring up off of the bed, ready to follow - and realize too late how silly it is for me to bounce about like that. If I move quickly, it will not make him go any faster!

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

I raise my eyebrows a bit at the way Hermia is rushing about.

"Just how much coffee did you have today?" I ask. I stretch again and get up, find my dressing gown and pad out to the kitchen, where I pour myself a cup of coffee and adjust to the day.

"Have you been up for hours, my dear? What have you been doing with your morning?"

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"Just how much coffee did you have today?

"Not that much!" I protest, while he goes about the world's slowest search for his dressing gown, and takes the longest possible time to get to the kitchen. I never thought of Valmont as a slow person, but dear gods, why is everything taking him so long today?

I follow him to the kitchen, and make myself wait while he pours himself the last of the coffee and starts puttering about.

"Have you been up for hours, my dear? What have you been doing with your morning?"

"I went to see Glass, but she wasn't in." All right. He has coffee. That is as long as I can wait. "I. Er. Darling? Could you sit down, please?"

Yes. After coffee, and sitting down.

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

It's well known I'm not a morning person, and so sometimes if Hermia is chattering away first thing I can be slightly irritable. Thus she's learned usually it's best to leave me be until I've had a coffee, and if it's a bad morning until I've had a chance to stand out on the patio and smoke a cigarette. Today she is hovering, and I'm sure there's something on her mind.

"I. Er. Darling? Could you sit down, please?"

I sit down at the counter in the kitchen, on one of the stools. Alice and I have hot chocolate here some mornings... I wonder if she's up and about? I take a sip of coffee.

"What's on your mind, cherie?" I ask, as patiently as possible.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

He sits down, thankfully, and doesn't try to protest - he just looks mildly irritated and confused. Which is much better than it could have been, on an early morning when he was kept up past three!

And he calls me 'cherie,' which makes me smile no matter how nervous or impatient I am.

"I. Er."

No other way to do it than to just say it straight out. But after hoping all morning that Valmont would just wake up so that I could tell him this, why am I suddenly stammering and uncertain when it is time to say it?

"Valmont. Darling. I think I'm pregnant."

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

The coffee cup topples over in its saucer and splashes everywhere. I'm normally more graceful than that.

"Pregnant?" I say, after a minute, staring up at Hermia. Beneath the shock I can feel a smile trying to inch its way across my face, but I'm still too startled to let it grow. "Are you - how do you know?" I reach out and take her hand.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

Down goes the cup with a clink and splash. I don't care that there are puddles on the floor - I don't even make a move to start cleaning it up. Looking at Valmont is much more important.

"I - I haven't precisely confirmed it yet." Which is true, and I must remember that nothing is certain yet! But when Valmont has that look in his eyes, all stunned and hopeful, I cannot help but smile back and be hopeful myself. I squeeze his hand, explaining, "That's why I was looking for Glass! But - well. It all fits. I haven't bled for two months, and I've been feeling a bit off. Tired, not very hungry. When that odd burst of Power happened the other day, the one that killed all the birds, I thought it must have been something to do with that - you know, when odd magical things happen I often feel something. But then I didn't feel any different afterwards, so it must have been something else. And - er - well, my clothes have been fitting a bit differently," I admit, glancing down. "Nothing that's significant in itself, but...well. Lydia's been pushing my calendar to the front of my desk every day, and I counted and re-counted the days, and..."

And I'm babbling, aren't I? Once I have started speaking, I cannot stop - all of the thoughts that I have been wanting to share with Valmont come spilling out, just like the coffee.

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

Hermia keeps talking, and I find my smile growing. Two months? That could mean it's only a few weeks until it's safer, because I know women say the first three months are the most risky in terms of losing a child...

"Oh, my dear," I say softly, and stand so I can put my arms around her. "How are you feeling, darling?" I mean: is she pleased? I hope she is, even though I knew she wanted to wait for a while before we tried to have a baby.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

Before I can chatter any more, Valmont sighs "Oh, my dear," and folds me into his arms, and all of my anxious words evaporate. The instant that he embraces me, everything is safer and makes more sense. I lean against him, breathing in his familiar scent, knowing that he is smiling above me, that he is hopeful and happy. I can let myself be hopeful, too, despite everything.

"How are you feeling, darling?" he asks, which is exactly the right thing to say, and I know exactly what he means when he asks it.

"Confused?" I admit. "I - I wanted to wait. I mean - you know I did. It's what we agreed on. Waiting until we'd been married longer, and until Excolo was quieter and safer and - " I break off again, before all of those anxious uncertainties can tangle my words up around me, and I shake my head against Valmont's shoulder. "Well," I continue, more steadily. "I wanted to wait, but it seems that it has happened now."

And only then do I let myself say - only then do I even let myself think "I hope that it has happened." I look up at him, letting the smile come the rest of the way onto my face. I hope that it's true." I had not realized how much I hoped it until now.

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

"I - I wanted to wait. I mean - you know I did. It's what we agreed on. Waiting until we'd been married longer, and until Excolo was quieter and safer and - "

If we wait until Excolo is safer we might wait forever, but I don't say that. I kiss the top of her head and let her continue.

"I hope that it has happened."

Hermia looks up at me, her smile small but bright.

"I hope so too," I say softly, quite seriously. "A child. Our child," and my smile rises back up, amazed but also... satisfied, I think. "I love you very much, darling," I say, and kiss her.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

Valmont drops a light kiss on the top of my head, and it makes me smile, and feel quieter.

"I hope so too," he says, with deep sincerity. My smile grows brighter, full of light, even as a little shiver runs through me when Valmont adds, "A child. Our child." It is a happy shiver - everything is becoming happy - but I have not yet said that phrase, not even to myself.

Our child.

I'd so often thought about it, dreamed about it, saw it in my mind. Clung to it as consolation when I feared that Valmont might die in the duel; treasured it as something to look forward to. But the picture I saw in my mind was always sometime far off in the future, with Alice older and Nestor slower, and...

...and it is happening now. Not so far off in the future after all. Once he says it, it becomes more real.

"Our child," I whisper, faint and giddy. I barely have time to get out, "I love you too" before Valmont is kissing me. I rise up on tiptoes to hold the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him very very tight.

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

Hermia holds onto me tightly, and for a long moment we're wrapped around each other.

"Sit down, darling," I say after a little while, "and I'll clear up this mess I've made," and I look for a cloth to clean up the coffee. "It's a good thing that the inn has been doing so well," I say, after a moment's thought, "because I had thought, if we wanted to expand our family, we may need to expand the building as well. This apartment is wonderful for two, but not so much for three... and in any case I'd rather have Alice living with us rather than in one of the guest rooms. It feels more homey that way."

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

I soak in Valmont's embrace, holding him as tightly as possible even after the kiss ends, until I must finally land back on the ground. Even after that, I smile up at him for a moment more, even as he says, "Sit down, darling," I say after a little while, "and I'll clear up this mess I've made."

I step back to perch on the edge of my usual chair, staying out of Valmont's way as he moves about.

"It's a good thing that the inn has been doing so well," I say, after a moment's thought, "because I had thought, if we wanted to expand our family, we may need to expand the building as well. This apartment is wonderful for two, but not so much for three... and in any case I'd rather have Alice living with us rather than in one of the guest rooms. It feels more homey that way."

"I'd like that too - to have Alice living with us. I hope she'll be happy about this too," I confess, with another little ripple of uncertainty creasing my face. "I hope she won't fear that she would be replaced, or shut out. But if we say that we're expanding the apartment so that she can live with us too, then perhaps that will help to show her that we truly feel that she is in our family, as well."

We're planning, and that steadies me, as it always does. Plans about building, and Alice, and the everyday bits of life. Those giddy little shivers are still there beneath the surface, and if I think about it too much then I will be able to do nothing but

We may have to work quickly. The baby would be here in...April?"

The baby. Our baby. I have to stop and just look at Valmont for a moment after I say it. How many times am I going to have to say it before it stops feeling strange? Probably at least as many times as I had to say 'my husband' after Valmont and I were married, and with just as much joy.

"The end of March or the beginning of April," I continue, "if I am counting correctly." And if I am not, I am certain that Lydia will open every calendar in the library to the proper date! "I really should talk to Lucien and Glass! And we must tell Alice as soon as we are certain."

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

Hermia talks about Alice as I wipe down the counter, and I nod.

"I hope she'll be glad, too. It's taken her a while to adjust to living with us. But she needs to know we'll always be a family, whatever form that family takes." I smile at Hermia. "There's no need to tell her yet, I suppose. Not until things are - certain."

"We may have to work quickly. The baby would be here in...April?"

"April," I say softly, and put the cloth down. "Wouldn't it be funny if the baby was born on our wedding anniversary?" And once again I'm struck by how enormously and fundamentally my life has changed since I came to Excolo.

I set the kettle on the stove - we can have some tea since I have spilled most of my coffee - and then I sit down next to Hermia. I link our hands.

"A spring baby," I say. "I like the idea of that." New beginnings.

[hermia-sophia.livejournal.com]

"No," I agree. "No use stirring things up until we know for sure."

And until the next few weeks have passed. Even if I am pregnant, I know all too well that it may not last. I have seen that happen to more women than I can count, both here in Excolo and in Athens. It is the way life works; it is something that women simply know...and even though I have accepted it all my life, now I am suddenly thinking 'no, not me, let this one last. Let this child be real.'

I swallow back that bit of fear, and look back to Valmont's smile, and I steady again. "But we should tell Alice first, because she is family."

Valmont puts the teakettle on, and comes to sit next to me while it heats up. For a moment we are quiet again, each with our thoughts. Which may be the same thoughts, which makes the silence even more comfortable. "A spring baby," I say. "I like the idea of that."

"I like it too," I say softly, lacing my fingers through Valmont's. As strange as it seems to have the first child coming precisely one year after the wedding, it does feel right to have a baby in spring. When things start growing, and everything is new. "I hope the lilacs will be out then."

[valmont-vicomte.livejournal.com]

Lilacs. I half-remember something I read about lilacs, when I first realised how much Hermia loves them: The true beloveds of this world are in their lover's eyes lilacs opening, ship lights, school bells, a landscape, remembered conversations, friends, a child's Sunday...

"I hope so too," I say, and kiss the back of her hand. There will be so much to think about and plan, but for now I look at Hermia, sun coming through the window lighting her hair, and think of her in springtime at the same window with our child - our child! - in her arms... and that is quite enough to be getting on with.