Gotta get out of bed get a hammer and a nail, learn how to use my hands,

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Wednesday, August 4
Afternoon

We're havin' a Summer Sun Day next week. Gotta do somethin' different, I guess, to keep people comin' in. So the gates're all draped in yellow and I'm makin' pictures of suns to put on all of the rides and booths. Some of 'em are just paint, and some of 'em I put tears in so they've got rays that glow and shimmer like the real sun.

It ain't enough. It ain't never enough.

I gotta do somethin'. I want to move is what I want. It ain't right that we're comin' on more'n a year here! It's summer, and we should be goin' north to them towns all full of pine trees where we set up on land that used to be farms next to lil white churches. Not everybody cares. Momma likes it here. She likes sittin' still.
But I feel like we should be goin' somewhere and we ain't.

I should be doin' somethin' big and I ain't.

Maybe it's because I ain't got nobody to be a priestess to no more. Maybe it's just that I want to move on.

Used to be that some nights I'd go to the corner of my room where I keep all the best pictures, the ones I made look the most real, and look at 'em. Now I don't 'cause lots of 'em just make me sad. That's where I put the pictures of Nu and Abzu - tore 'em right out of my sketchbook 'cause it hurt too much to look at 'em and put 'em way in the back. All the paintings I done while I was all wrong in the head are there, too. Don't wanna look at 'em.

Put the painting of Zann and the Carousel there too, 'cause it makes me sad to think 'bout her not bein' all the way right. I helped her, and I made it so's she didn't have to see the world wrong no more, but it still didn't fix it all, and it didn't make us right. We don't talk like we used to. We don't hardly talk at all, 'cause what'd we say? We smile and stuff, and say hey when we see each other in the cooktent, but that's it.

Still makes me happy to see her actin' all normal-like. She's still goin' into town to see all the friends she made there, 'cause it's Zann and she's got a hundred friends. She's still jokin' with all of the family folk and workin' on her machines, too.

I finish another sun, all shiny and flat, and grab my sketchbook. I gotta get out.

I go down to the river, down to my favorite spot, where I can see the river stretchin' far off into the distance, and I start to sketch.

[Open to Zann]

Comments

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

It's nice to see her smile, it really is, but it's still strange to have all that space in the conversation and not know what to do with it. It didn't use to be like that, and I open my mouth just as she starts talking, so I shut it again, and then she's hesitating again and it's all so goddamn awkward... "You got the wheel all set up?"

"Oh, yeah," I say cheerfully, and... well, it's a nice enough day, and I fold down to sit on the grass next to her, put an elbow on my knee and rest the side of my face on my hand. "She's gonna glow, I tell you; Jay and I got them hooked up in parallel, too, and she'll be lovely at night, but just at dusk, with that blue light in the air..." I'm grinning, and it feels a little better now. "She's gonna be lovely. Whatcha drawing?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

She sits down next to me - oh heck, I hope that don't make it more weird! But she's talkin' 'bout her babies, and she don't never run out of stuff to say 'bout them. Can't be uncomfortable when she's goin' on like that.

"She's gonna glow, I tell you; Jay and I got them hooked up in parallel, too, and she'll be lovely at night, but just at dusk, with that blue light in the air…"

Aww, that's the way Zann should be. All smiley'n thinkin' 'bout how pretty her machines're gonna look. Her eyes are really happy now, not just pretendin' or tryin'.

"It's gonna be like the sun's still shinin'," I say real soft. It comes out easy, too, and that feels nice. Hope it stays that way….

"Whatcha drawing?"

I turn the book so's she can see it. "Member that lil town we used to go to every August? Coventry?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"I remember," I say, and "god, used to." Because it's true, and I don't want it to be; we've been here so long it doesn't feel proper anymore, doesn't feel... "This place makes my feet itch," I sigh. It's not like being a proper show, it's like being a shanty-town with games, but I try for a smile anyway.

"I remember Coventry, yeah," and I don't quite touch the paper, trace the outline of the church steeple from half an inch away. The cool green pines, and the fireflies, and the bell... I don't remember a lot of the place, we didn't ever really stay very long and I was always busy, but I do remember the bell. Not a huge sound but you could feel the air ringing, the shiver and the ripple moving out and out and on into the night.

"You ever think of taking Management up on their... you know." I poke at the grass with one foot. "The deal to trade something to get to leave?" I really hope not, honestly. I trust Management more than Tez, but it's not that they're nice, it's that they run in a particular track and you can figure they won't go too far out of it. And Genny already gave up so much.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I remember," I say, and "god, used to."

Didn't even know I'd said it till she says it back at me - used to. "Yeah," I say, real quiet. Ain't right, havin' to say we 'used to' travel.

Zann runs her hand over the lines I drew, just floatin' her finger over it like the church was stickin' out of the page and she was touchin' the thing, not the picture. "You ever think of taking Management up on their... you know." I poke at the grass with one foot. "The deal to trade something to get to leave?"

"No!" It comes out loud'n surprised - I gulp, and look back down at the picture, and say quieter, "Um. I mean - I don't wanna leave the family. Wouldn't never wanna do that," I say, lookin' back up at Zann. "I just wish we could all leave here."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"No!" and I jump a bit, because I get not wanting to do it but it's been around so long in the back of my mind--the idea that I could do it, I mean, not wanting to actually leave--that I've gotten sort of used to it. "Um. I mean - I don't wanna leave the family. Wouldn't never wanna do that."

"I get you, hon," I say. "Me either, and then there's the Carousel..." Oh, I could get work in another show, but they wouldn't have anything like that, and if they did then she wouldn't be mine, and even if she was my baby would still be sitting here, dusting herself up a foundation. God, it's an awful thought. "It's not the family, it's everyone else." Xay's young enough to forget some of the places he's been, but Sabela was miserable around Christmas--she has friends in Gibtown--and the July route usually takes us past this one town where they have yellow raspberries, and they're a bit of a birthday deal for her. All the places we should have been, and haven't made it to.

And Xay's young enough to forget... that really bothers me. I mean, I don't hate this place, and I'd miss some of the people here, and I'd miss the Doc, but they're townies--even he is, now. They'd still be here next year when we came back, that's what they do.

"I just wish we could all leave here."

"I know," I say quietly, and with everything that's been and gone it's still Genny, and I put one arm around her shoulders for a quick light hug, just one. "Maybe they'll be done, soon. Maybe..." I'm not sure I could ask, again. I already built the orrery puzzle for them, I think another one'd bore them, and anyway knowing what's going on is important but that's just asking, and I sigh.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I get you, hon," I say. "Me either, and then there's the Carousel…It's not the family, it's everyone else."

"Yeah," I say, smilin' a little now, 'cause it's Zann talkin' 'bout her machines like she does, and that always makes me smile. "Carousel's like part of your family too."

Zann gives me a hug, and I lean into her 'fore I think maybe I shouldn't be doin' that, but then I've already done it, and anyhow it don't feel weird. Just nice. I put my arm 'round her too, just for a sec.

"Maybe they'll be done, soon. Maybe…"

"Maybe," I sigh. "'Cept we don't know what they're doin' 'cause they ain't tellin'." Momma'd yell at me if she heard me say stuff like that, but I say it anyway. "Ain't fair, keepin' us here all this time without even tellin' us why."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

No," I say, "I mean it isn't, but..." I'm not exactly sure how to put what I'm thinking. I mean, I never thought Management was fair. If I had to pick a word I would say I thought they were.... custodial, maybe, and I end up just shrugging, and I look down at my hand for a minute, the missing fingertips, and I remember the Heterodyne.

I've seen a lot, since last summer. Anushka and her werewolf god. Tez. Kent. That angry thing in the park, all fury and flame. Kaeli. The guy hanging around inside Silence.

And Genny looks unhappy, she really does, and it's not even in the kind of way that'd have her crying, and the idea of her being upset and not crying is just one more little strangeness. "I know," I say. "I wonder, sometimes, if they'd leave if they got what they wanted, and where that'd leave us..." I shake my head. "D'you think Hope and Faith could help with that? Not figuring out if they'd leave, figuring out what they wanted. Because I mean, there are some lovely people in this town, there really really are, but another fall season here is going to drive me crazy. And I don't think there's enough that we could trade to get them to let everyone leave, let alone to get the Carnaval to leave, you know?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann looks down at her hands as she talks, and stretches 'em out so's she can see all her fingers, and I can see how one hand's got fingers just a lil shorter'n the other. Still makes me hurt to see that, 'cause it ain't right that her hands got hurt, 'cause she's s'posed to be makin' stuff with her hands! But Zann just looks thoughtful.

I lean in to touch Zann's shoulder with mine for a sec, and think for a long time too 'fore I answer. "Maybe the twins could?" I say real slow. "I mean, I bet they could do it, 'cause they can see just 'bout everythin' in their cards! But I dunno if it'd be safe for 'em to look at Management like that. What if Management could tell what they were doin'? And…" I squirm a little. Oh, Momma'd get real real mad… "What do we do if Management wants somethin' bad?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Maybe the twins could? I mean, I bet they could do it, 'cause they can see just 'bout everythin' in their cards! But I dunno if it'd be safe for 'em to look at Management like that. What if Management could tell what they were doin'?"

"I don't know," which I guess isn't very helpful. I mean, I guess Management might catch it anyway, but that's not the only thing; I think looking too close and too hard at Management might be like looking straight at the sky during an eclipse. "We could always ask them, though? They'd have a better idea of if it was too dangerous."

"And…" The shift and jitter of her makes me wince; I hate seeing her anxious as this. "What do we do if Management wants somethin' bad?"

I... Oh, god." I run one hand back through my hair. "I... well, at least, we damn well don't..." God, it's Management. "I'm not helping anyone get hurt." The idea of being able to rein them in is unreal, but I can at least not help, and... god, it's not as if I have any idea of what they might want, so it's a start, at least. "But it's better to know, isn't it?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I don't want nobody to get hurt neither!" I say real quick. "But…yeah, I guess it's better to know. Can't know if we're s'posed to help or not if we don't know what it is they're doin'."

And if we ain't s'posed to help, then what? Zann's probably thinkin' the same thing I am - you can't stop Management. You just don't even try. Whatever they do, people just shrug and say 'it's Management' and 'you can't fight Management.'

"So we can ask the twins? See if they'll do a readin', if they think it's safe."

But I can do it too, I think. I can paint things in the future. And then I think no. No no no. I'd need the syringes and I'd need Doc and…I just ain't doin' that kind of picture no more! I scrunch closer to Zann and look down at the picture of the church and the hills. Just pencil. Just paper. Just lines. That's all.

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Can't know if we're s'posed to help or not if we don't know what it is they're doin'," and this is true, but I have a feeling that I'm really not supposed to help. I mean, I'm not sure it's bad, but I can't quite bring myself to believe it's good, and the more I think about it the less happy I am about any of this. I mean, you know what Management is, enough, you make out pieces from the way people react and the things they can rely on, but the thing about that is it's all background, it's an idea that comes together slowly. You can miss some of the implications of that, it's just something that grows with time, that wears its way into the ground.

And then you look at the patterns of rain and grass grown up around the edges of the rides, or you go digging for what Management actually wants, and once you see enough to know what it means...

Well. Once you know, you can't pretend you didn't notice. You have to do something, don't you?

"So we can ask the twins? See if they'll do a readin', if they think it's safe."

"Yeah," I say after a moment. "And if they're not... I don't know. I guess we'll figure something out." I look down at the picture, but I'm not really seeing it. I keep tying Management to the idea of looking at an eclipse, how that pinpoint brilliance can etch a scar onto your eye, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking of pinhole cameras, because with the right equipment you can manage to look at that kind of thing, and then I'm blinking as an idea comes out of left field. It's odd, but I mean, she uses tools to paint and draw even if I wouldn't exactly call them machines, and I know you could mix things into the emulsion, and that's part of it, isn't it?

"Genny, hon," I say after a second, "you've still got that camera, right?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann's lookin' at the picture, and I'm lookin' at her. I still love watchin' her think, the way her eyes go all faraway and then come back.

This time they come back real fast, like she's got an idea, like her head's one of her machines that just got its gears'n wheels warmed up. "Genny, hon," I say after a second, "you've still got that camera, right?"

"Yeah."

I found it when I got better from my head bein' all wrong. Glad I didn't break it or nothin'. Mostly I just forgot how to use it, I think, so I stuck it in a corner and forgot about it. But I still smile when I think 'bout it, 'cause just havin' it

"Ain't done nothin' with it for a while. Don't wanna take pictures with it less'n it's somethin' real special, you know?" Like a dress you only wear to parties, or Momma's best show costumes. "So I still got some film left. You wanna take a picture of somethin'?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Maybe," I say slowly. "I don't know if it's even art--I don't know if it counts the same way, you know? But I was wondering if there was some way to make a picture with that show something. It might be safer than looking right at them, you know?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I dunno." I'm talkin' real slow too, 'cause I gotta think 'bout everythin' I say 'fore I say it. "Maybe? With my other pictures…I'm the one that's makin' 'em." The power's in me but it works in the paint, in the way that it makes my brush fly and the picture take shape on its own… "I dunno if it'd work the same way with the camera makin' the pictures. Maybe if I put somethin' in the solution when I developed 'em? Don't think I could do nothin' to the film 'fore I took the photo, but it might work if I put somethin' in the chemicals. You thinkin' 'bout doin' that to Management?" I shiver a lil just thinking' bout that. "I dunno how I'd get a photo of Management without them knowin' 'bout it, but it'd be safer than tryin' to paint 'em, I guess…"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

Slow and careful, and it makes me want to worry, but let her speak. "Maybe? With my other pictures…I'm the one that's makin' 'em," and yeah, I can begin to get how much of a difference that is. I mean, with photographs, you're just dealing with what's there, and I can feel my brain trying to cough up a mental image of Management being politely directed to sit, shift forward, face the camera...

Yeah, I'm thinking not so much.

"I get you," I say. "And yeah... Maybe something in the emulsion, I don't know. I guess even if they knew a picture was getting taken, they might not bother to care-- to look enough to see, you know?" I sigh.

"If you want to try it," I say, "I mean, do you think you can do it so I can take the picture? If you just work with emulsions and everything."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Maybe?" Head hurts a little 'cause I'm thinkin' so hard, but I wanna get every one of these thoughts in. "Ain't never tried paintin' over what someone else done, neither. Might be easier for you to take the photo, 'cause I don't know how I'd get in to see 'em. Momma could see 'em, but I don't wanna ask her, and…"

And I'd be scared to go talk to 'em myself. I'd be scared they could tell somethin' was up. Management's powerful, and what if they're talkin' to the Tower or somethin'? But I don't wanna say that to Zann. Don't want her to see how relieved i am when she says that she wants to take the photo of Management.

"Um. I don't wanna do it if it ain't gonna work. I think…I think I'd better try doin' a photo of somethin' else first to make sure it works. And then we can see if you can take a photo of somethin' else and I can…you know, do stuff with the chemicals."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Maybe? Ain't never tried paintin' over what someone else done, neither. Might be easier for you to take the photo, 'cause I don't know how I'd get in to see 'em. Momma could see 'em, but I don't wanna ask her, and…"

"Yeah," I say, and I do get that, I can imagine what I'd say to Xabela if she tried to help on this and it's... uhm... well, it would involve a lot of loud words and I would be thinking very hard about possibly a locked door, which I know is not entirely fair, but still. "Maybe there'd be a time that'd be better... Maybe I can ask the twins about that, at least." Maybe even ask them without telling them what I'm asking about, and keep them clear of trouble, for what it's worth. Or ask Syl, or...

"Um. I don't wanna do it if it ain't gonna work," she says, and that brings me back to things that are a bit more fundamental than what's running through my head. "I think…I think I'd better try doin' a photo of somethin' else first to make sure it works. And then we can see if you can take a photo of somethin' else and I can…you know, do stuff with the chemicals."

I groan a bit at the suggestion and slap my forehead, because yes, really, that's a sensible sort of thing to try first and I have no idea why it didn't cross my mind. "Yeah, that'd be best," I say. "I'm not sure what we could do it on... maybe the Carousel? I mean, I at least know her well enough that if the picture turns up anything, I can help guess if it's turning up what's actually there, you know?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Maybe there'd be a time that'd be better... Maybe I can ask the twins about that, at least."

"Yeah. Askin' the twins what a good time'd be - that's better. It's somethin' small, and it ain't really 'bout Management, not like askin' what their plans'd be. Long as you can ask without none of you gettin' hurt! I don't want nothin' bad to happen to none of you.

"Yeah, that'd be best," I say. "I'm not sure what we could do it on... maybe the Carousel? I mean, I at least know her well enough that if the picture turns up anything, I can help guess if it's turning up what's actually there, you know?"

"Okay." I grin some, 'cause Zann thought it was a good idea! But I gotta think more. Gotta make sure I thought of everything… "Um…Better do it when there ain't people on it so's we can make sure it's just the Carousel. Don't think it would mess up nothin' if there was people, but I just wanna be sure."

There. Done. We made a plan.

Headache's clearin' a lil, and I blink up to Zann. "Um. You wanna try now?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Better do it when there ain't people on it so's we can make sure it's just the Carousel. Don't think it would mess up nothin' if there was people, but I just wanna be sure," and I nod and it's odd how simple it's all starting to seem--not easy, maybe, fine, but simple. Genny blinks up at me. "Um. You wanna try now?"

"Yeah," I say, squeezing my arm around her and then shifting my weight and getting up. I'm grinning; it feels good to be getting ready to do something, at least, even if we're not sure it'll work yet, and I hold out a hand to help her up. "Come on, honey."

My mood starts to sag again when we're back at the midway. I could stand to see it so empty on a morning, sure, but it's afternoon, and the fact that I know that just by looking, because I've gotten so used to the sun and shadows being the same day in and day out... well, it doesn't help. And it's a nice enough day, I guess, but with the warm light and the dust of the ground, I swear my Carousel already looks too much like one of those old photos for me to be happy about it. She's supposed to move, my baby, even during the day--turning and piping her pattern out into the air.

"You mind if I start her up?" I say kinda hesitantly to Genny. The picture won't be as clear, I'm pretty sure, but she moves and turns--it's what she does, it's how she is, and that's what we're trying to get an idea of. It seems like it should matter.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann grabs my hand and I grin back at her as she pulls me up. It feels good to be workin' together on somethin' with Zann. It feels really good.

We run back to my trailer to get the camera, and it takes a couple minutes to make sure it's all workin' and loaded right, and then we head out to the midway.

Zann's face kinda sinks when we come up on the carousel, and so does mine, and I know she's thinkin' the same thing I am. There ain't nobody here. The carousel ain't even goin' 'round 'cause there just ain't no people on it. I was thinkin' we'd have to wait for everyone to get off 'fore we could take the picture, but we don't have to wait 'cause there ain't no people. Don't think even that darn Summer Sun Day is gonna get folks out here. We been here too long! We should be movin'…

"You mind if I start her up?" Zann asks after a sec.

I frown a little, lookin' harder. "Yeah," I say, real slow. "I think it'd work better that way. 'Cause that way if I can make the photo move, we'll know it really worked."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," she says, like someone going through her steps in slow-motion before stepping into the dance. "I think it'd work better that way. 'Cause that way if I can make the photo move, we'll know it really worked," and I nod and touch her shoulder, step up and forward and around her as I go up to my baby, start her spinning.

She's slow, for a moment. The air's slow and almost heavy, and it makes me think of honey and old glass. But she moves, she does, with a creak in the bones of her to start and then she shrugs herself awake, yawn and a rumble and the gears mesh into each other, and then the thin and fine piping of her starts coming out through and into the air.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann touches my shoulder, just a little, and I smile over at her as she goes off to get the carousel goin'. I like havn' a plan with her.

The camera feels big and heavy in my hands while I wait for the carousel to spin up, more'n I remembered it bein'. Is it s'posed to be that heavy or is somethin' extra happenin' 'cause it knows I want to take a picture that's gonna be more'n just what it looks like? The paintbrushes feel different sometimes, and I can't tell with them neither.

Spinnin' starts, music starts. There goes the carousel.

Takin' a photo's halfway to one of my special paintings already, 'cause it's takin' what's already there and tryin' to make somethin' better out of it, tryin' to make real life into art.

I bring up the camera and wait…there's the light, there's the angle. Watch it go, round and round…

There! That's what I was waitin' for. My favorite white horse comes 'round the curve, and I grin at it, and snap the picture. "There! Got it." I blink out into the light again and hold the camera out to Zann. "You wanna try now?"