Gotta get out of bed get a hammer and a nail, learn how to use my hands,

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Wednesday, August 4
Afternoon

We're havin' a Summer Sun Day next week. Gotta do somethin' different, I guess, to keep people comin' in. So the gates're all draped in yellow and I'm makin' pictures of suns to put on all of the rides and booths. Some of 'em are just paint, and some of 'em I put tears in so they've got rays that glow and shimmer like the real sun.

It ain't enough. It ain't never enough.

I gotta do somethin'. I want to move is what I want. It ain't right that we're comin' on more'n a year here! It's summer, and we should be goin' north to them towns all full of pine trees where we set up on land that used to be farms next to lil white churches. Not everybody cares. Momma likes it here. She likes sittin' still.
But I feel like we should be goin' somewhere and we ain't.

I should be doin' somethin' big and I ain't.

Maybe it's because I ain't got nobody to be a priestess to no more. Maybe it's just that I want to move on.

Used to be that some nights I'd go to the corner of my room where I keep all the best pictures, the ones I made look the most real, and look at 'em. Now I don't 'cause lots of 'em just make me sad. That's where I put the pictures of Nu and Abzu - tore 'em right out of my sketchbook 'cause it hurt too much to look at 'em and put 'em way in the back. All the paintings I done while I was all wrong in the head are there, too. Don't wanna look at 'em.

Put the painting of Zann and the Carousel there too, 'cause it makes me sad to think 'bout her not bein' all the way right. I helped her, and I made it so's she didn't have to see the world wrong no more, but it still didn't fix it all, and it didn't make us right. We don't talk like we used to. We don't hardly talk at all, 'cause what'd we say? We smile and stuff, and say hey when we see each other in the cooktent, but that's it.

Still makes me happy to see her actin' all normal-like. She's still goin' into town to see all the friends she made there, 'cause it's Zann and she's got a hundred friends. She's still jokin' with all of the family folk and workin' on her machines, too.

I finish another sun, all shiny and flat, and grab my sketchbook. I gotta get out.

I go down to the river, down to my favorite spot, where I can see the river stretchin' far off into the distance, and I start to sketch.

[Open to Zann]

Comments

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

I guess there's not much going on, not yet, and it's an odd sort of feeling. I mean, I know it's going to be busier, and it wasn't ever like I could see the exact way things were going, not at a distance. But there's still something... It's like putting your hand on the hood of an idling truck and not feeling the hot beat of the engine. It's strange.

Anyway, Jay and I were up early and done getting the wheel ready--because really, if you are going to have a Sun Day, you are not going to fail to use a Ferris Wheel, I mean the spokes are just sitting there--and then Hux wanted to bounce an idea or three about Silence off him. Still don't know a lot more about that, although I have to say I am not exactly growing any fonder of Mok.

But I've got time to spare, right now, and so I take myself out on a wander, wishing it could be a real one even if I wouldn't want to leave, not all on my own, and end up down by the river. And Genny's there, and I almost don't say anything and move on away, but even if it's gotten quiet between us and the moments aren't what they were or could have been, I'm not ready to do that, and so I head up to her, making enough noise in the grass that I won't startle her.

"Hey, honey," I say, hands in my pockets and smiling a bit, and... it's been a hell of a year. "How've you been?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

I start drawin' without really knowin' what it's gonna be. It's a landscape, but it ain't the river in front of me. I make ripply hills all covered with grass, higher mountains far behind 'em…and after a sec I see what the picture wants to be. It's one of them towns we'd go to every summer, way up north. Coventry? Somethin' like that.

So I draw in the lil white church with lotsa trees all 'round it. You don't hardly never see a town with so many trees nowhere else. Spire reachin' up to the sky, over the top of the trees and the hills, the church all made of straight lines against the ripply round hills and fluffy trees. Makes me smile to see how it all fits together. Ain't drawn somethin' like this for a long time - somethin' out of my head, somethin' that someone wasn't askin' me to do.

Think I'll put us there, too. 'Cause I wish we was there.

I sketch in the top of the ferris wheel pokin' out 'tween the hills, and if the wheel is there, then the gates'd be just over there at the other end of the hill, so I start puttin' em in…

There's a noise behind me, and I blink up…oh. It's Zann.

Don't want it to be weird with us. Don't want that. Can't it be nice again?

"Hey," I say, with a little smile. "Doin' okay." I guess I am? "Lotsa work with the Sun Day thing comin'." And then it gets all quiet, but I don't want it to be quiet, so I say, "Um," and then another "Um," till I can figure out somethin' else to say. "You got the wheel all set up?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

It's nice to see her smile, it really is, but it's still strange to have all that space in the conversation and not know what to do with it. It didn't use to be like that, and I open my mouth just as she starts talking, so I shut it again, and then she's hesitating again and it's all so goddamn awkward... "You got the wheel all set up?"

"Oh, yeah," I say cheerfully, and... well, it's a nice enough day, and I fold down to sit on the grass next to her, put an elbow on my knee and rest the side of my face on my hand. "She's gonna glow, I tell you; Jay and I got them hooked up in parallel, too, and she'll be lovely at night, but just at dusk, with that blue light in the air..." I'm grinning, and it feels a little better now. "She's gonna be lovely. Whatcha drawing?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

She sits down next to me - oh heck, I hope that don't make it more weird! But she's talkin' 'bout her babies, and she don't never run out of stuff to say 'bout them. Can't be uncomfortable when she's goin' on like that.

"She's gonna glow, I tell you; Jay and I got them hooked up in parallel, too, and she'll be lovely at night, but just at dusk, with that blue light in the air…"

Aww, that's the way Zann should be. All smiley'n thinkin' 'bout how pretty her machines're gonna look. Her eyes are really happy now, not just pretendin' or tryin'.

"It's gonna be like the sun's still shinin'," I say real soft. It comes out easy, too, and that feels nice. Hope it stays that way….

"Whatcha drawing?"

I turn the book so's she can see it. "Member that lil town we used to go to every August? Coventry?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"I remember," I say, and "god, used to." Because it's true, and I don't want it to be; we've been here so long it doesn't feel proper anymore, doesn't feel... "This place makes my feet itch," I sigh. It's not like being a proper show, it's like being a shanty-town with games, but I try for a smile anyway.

"I remember Coventry, yeah," and I don't quite touch the paper, trace the outline of the church steeple from half an inch away. The cool green pines, and the fireflies, and the bell... I don't remember a lot of the place, we didn't ever really stay very long and I was always busy, but I do remember the bell. Not a huge sound but you could feel the air ringing, the shiver and the ripple moving out and out and on into the night.

"You ever think of taking Management up on their... you know." I poke at the grass with one foot. "The deal to trade something to get to leave?" I really hope not, honestly. I trust Management more than Tez, but it's not that they're nice, it's that they run in a particular track and you can figure they won't go too far out of it. And Genny already gave up so much.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I remember," I say, and "god, used to."

Didn't even know I'd said it till she says it back at me - used to. "Yeah," I say, real quiet. Ain't right, havin' to say we 'used to' travel.

Zann runs her hand over the lines I drew, just floatin' her finger over it like the church was stickin' out of the page and she was touchin' the thing, not the picture. "You ever think of taking Management up on their... you know." I poke at the grass with one foot. "The deal to trade something to get to leave?"

"No!" It comes out loud'n surprised - I gulp, and look back down at the picture, and say quieter, "Um. I mean - I don't wanna leave the family. Wouldn't never wanna do that," I say, lookin' back up at Zann. "I just wish we could all leave here."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"No!" and I jump a bit, because I get not wanting to do it but it's been around so long in the back of my mind--the idea that I could do it, I mean, not wanting to actually leave--that I've gotten sort of used to it. "Um. I mean - I don't wanna leave the family. Wouldn't never wanna do that."

"I get you, hon," I say. "Me either, and then there's the Carousel..." Oh, I could get work in another show, but they wouldn't have anything like that, and if they did then she wouldn't be mine, and even if she was my baby would still be sitting here, dusting herself up a foundation. God, it's an awful thought. "It's not the family, it's everyone else." Xay's young enough to forget some of the places he's been, but Sabela was miserable around Christmas--she has friends in Gibtown--and the July route usually takes us past this one town where they have yellow raspberries, and they're a bit of a birthday deal for her. All the places we should have been, and haven't made it to.

And Xay's young enough to forget... that really bothers me. I mean, I don't hate this place, and I'd miss some of the people here, and I'd miss the Doc, but they're townies--even he is, now. They'd still be here next year when we came back, that's what they do.

"I just wish we could all leave here."

"I know," I say quietly, and with everything that's been and gone it's still Genny, and I put one arm around her shoulders for a quick light hug, just one. "Maybe they'll be done, soon. Maybe..." I'm not sure I could ask, again. I already built the orrery puzzle for them, I think another one'd bore them, and anyway knowing what's going on is important but that's just asking, and I sigh.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I get you, hon," I say. "Me either, and then there's the Carousel…It's not the family, it's everyone else."

"Yeah," I say, smilin' a little now, 'cause it's Zann talkin' 'bout her machines like she does, and that always makes me smile. "Carousel's like part of your family too."

Zann gives me a hug, and I lean into her 'fore I think maybe I shouldn't be doin' that, but then I've already done it, and anyhow it don't feel weird. Just nice. I put my arm 'round her too, just for a sec.

"Maybe they'll be done, soon. Maybe…"

"Maybe," I sigh. "'Cept we don't know what they're doin' 'cause they ain't tellin'." Momma'd yell at me if she heard me say stuff like that, but I say it anyway. "Ain't fair, keepin' us here all this time without even tellin' us why."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

No," I say, "I mean it isn't, but..." I'm not exactly sure how to put what I'm thinking. I mean, I never thought Management was fair. If I had to pick a word I would say I thought they were.... custodial, maybe, and I end up just shrugging, and I look down at my hand for a minute, the missing fingertips, and I remember the Heterodyne.

I've seen a lot, since last summer. Anushka and her werewolf god. Tez. Kent. That angry thing in the park, all fury and flame. Kaeli. The guy hanging around inside Silence.

And Genny looks unhappy, she really does, and it's not even in the kind of way that'd have her crying, and the idea of her being upset and not crying is just one more little strangeness. "I know," I say. "I wonder, sometimes, if they'd leave if they got what they wanted, and where that'd leave us..." I shake my head. "D'you think Hope and Faith could help with that? Not figuring out if they'd leave, figuring out what they wanted. Because I mean, there are some lovely people in this town, there really really are, but another fall season here is going to drive me crazy. And I don't think there's enough that we could trade to get them to let everyone leave, let alone to get the Carnaval to leave, you know?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann looks down at her hands as she talks, and stretches 'em out so's she can see all her fingers, and I can see how one hand's got fingers just a lil shorter'n the other. Still makes me hurt to see that, 'cause it ain't right that her hands got hurt, 'cause she's s'posed to be makin' stuff with her hands! But Zann just looks thoughtful.

I lean in to touch Zann's shoulder with mine for a sec, and think for a long time too 'fore I answer. "Maybe the twins could?" I say real slow. "I mean, I bet they could do it, 'cause they can see just 'bout everythin' in their cards! But I dunno if it'd be safe for 'em to look at Management like that. What if Management could tell what they were doin'? And…" I squirm a little. Oh, Momma'd get real real mad… "What do we do if Management wants somethin' bad?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Maybe the twins could? I mean, I bet they could do it, 'cause they can see just 'bout everythin' in their cards! But I dunno if it'd be safe for 'em to look at Management like that. What if Management could tell what they were doin'?"

"I don't know," which I guess isn't very helpful. I mean, I guess Management might catch it anyway, but that's not the only thing; I think looking too close and too hard at Management might be like looking straight at the sky during an eclipse. "We could always ask them, though? They'd have a better idea of if it was too dangerous."

"And…" The shift and jitter of her makes me wince; I hate seeing her anxious as this. "What do we do if Management wants somethin' bad?"

I... Oh, god." I run one hand back through my hair. "I... well, at least, we damn well don't..." God, it's Management. "I'm not helping anyone get hurt." The idea of being able to rein them in is unreal, but I can at least not help, and... god, it's not as if I have any idea of what they might want, so it's a start, at least. "But it's better to know, isn't it?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I don't want nobody to get hurt neither!" I say real quick. "But…yeah, I guess it's better to know. Can't know if we're s'posed to help or not if we don't know what it is they're doin'."

And if we ain't s'posed to help, then what? Zann's probably thinkin' the same thing I am - you can't stop Management. You just don't even try. Whatever they do, people just shrug and say 'it's Management' and 'you can't fight Management.'

"So we can ask the twins? See if they'll do a readin', if they think it's safe."

But I can do it too, I think. I can paint things in the future. And then I think no. No no no. I'd need the syringes and I'd need Doc and…I just ain't doin' that kind of picture no more! I scrunch closer to Zann and look down at the picture of the church and the hills. Just pencil. Just paper. Just lines. That's all.

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Can't know if we're s'posed to help or not if we don't know what it is they're doin'," and this is true, but I have a feeling that I'm really not supposed to help. I mean, I'm not sure it's bad, but I can't quite bring myself to believe it's good, and the more I think about it the less happy I am about any of this. I mean, you know what Management is, enough, you make out pieces from the way people react and the things they can rely on, but the thing about that is it's all background, it's an idea that comes together slowly. You can miss some of the implications of that, it's just something that grows with time, that wears its way into the ground.

And then you look at the patterns of rain and grass grown up around the edges of the rides, or you go digging for what Management actually wants, and once you see enough to know what it means...

Well. Once you know, you can't pretend you didn't notice. You have to do something, don't you?

"So we can ask the twins? See if they'll do a readin', if they think it's safe."

"Yeah," I say after a moment. "And if they're not... I don't know. I guess we'll figure something out." I look down at the picture, but I'm not really seeing it. I keep tying Management to the idea of looking at an eclipse, how that pinpoint brilliance can etch a scar onto your eye, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking of pinhole cameras, because with the right equipment you can manage to look at that kind of thing, and then I'm blinking as an idea comes out of left field. It's odd, but I mean, she uses tools to paint and draw even if I wouldn't exactly call them machines, and I know you could mix things into the emulsion, and that's part of it, isn't it?

"Genny, hon," I say after a second, "you've still got that camera, right?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann's lookin' at the picture, and I'm lookin' at her. I still love watchin' her think, the way her eyes go all faraway and then come back.

This time they come back real fast, like she's got an idea, like her head's one of her machines that just got its gears'n wheels warmed up. "Genny, hon," I say after a second, "you've still got that camera, right?"

"Yeah."

I found it when I got better from my head bein' all wrong. Glad I didn't break it or nothin'. Mostly I just forgot how to use it, I think, so I stuck it in a corner and forgot about it. But I still smile when I think 'bout it, 'cause just havin' it

"Ain't done nothin' with it for a while. Don't wanna take pictures with it less'n it's somethin' real special, you know?" Like a dress you only wear to parties, or Momma's best show costumes. "So I still got some film left. You wanna take a picture of somethin'?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Maybe," I say slowly. "I don't know if it's even art--I don't know if it counts the same way, you know? But I was wondering if there was some way to make a picture with that show something. It might be safer than looking right at them, you know?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I dunno." I'm talkin' real slow too, 'cause I gotta think 'bout everythin' I say 'fore I say it. "Maybe? With my other pictures…I'm the one that's makin' 'em." The power's in me but it works in the paint, in the way that it makes my brush fly and the picture take shape on its own… "I dunno if it'd work the same way with the camera makin' the pictures. Maybe if I put somethin' in the solution when I developed 'em? Don't think I could do nothin' to the film 'fore I took the photo, but it might work if I put somethin' in the chemicals. You thinkin' 'bout doin' that to Management?" I shiver a lil just thinking' bout that. "I dunno how I'd get a photo of Management without them knowin' 'bout it, but it'd be safer than tryin' to paint 'em, I guess…"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

Slow and careful, and it makes me want to worry, but let her speak. "Maybe? With my other pictures…I'm the one that's makin' 'em," and yeah, I can begin to get how much of a difference that is. I mean, with photographs, you're just dealing with what's there, and I can feel my brain trying to cough up a mental image of Management being politely directed to sit, shift forward, face the camera...

Yeah, I'm thinking not so much.

"I get you," I say. "And yeah... Maybe something in the emulsion, I don't know. I guess even if they knew a picture was getting taken, they might not bother to care-- to look enough to see, you know?" I sigh.

"If you want to try it," I say, "I mean, do you think you can do it so I can take the picture? If you just work with emulsions and everything."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Maybe?" Head hurts a little 'cause I'm thinkin' so hard, but I wanna get every one of these thoughts in. "Ain't never tried paintin' over what someone else done, neither. Might be easier for you to take the photo, 'cause I don't know how I'd get in to see 'em. Momma could see 'em, but I don't wanna ask her, and…"

And I'd be scared to go talk to 'em myself. I'd be scared they could tell somethin' was up. Management's powerful, and what if they're talkin' to the Tower or somethin'? But I don't wanna say that to Zann. Don't want her to see how relieved i am when she says that she wants to take the photo of Management.

"Um. I don't wanna do it if it ain't gonna work. I think…I think I'd better try doin' a photo of somethin' else first to make sure it works. And then we can see if you can take a photo of somethin' else and I can…you know, do stuff with the chemicals."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Maybe? Ain't never tried paintin' over what someone else done, neither. Might be easier for you to take the photo, 'cause I don't know how I'd get in to see 'em. Momma could see 'em, but I don't wanna ask her, and…"

"Yeah," I say, and I do get that, I can imagine what I'd say to Xabela if she tried to help on this and it's... uhm... well, it would involve a lot of loud words and I would be thinking very hard about possibly a locked door, which I know is not entirely fair, but still. "Maybe there'd be a time that'd be better... Maybe I can ask the twins about that, at least." Maybe even ask them without telling them what I'm asking about, and keep them clear of trouble, for what it's worth. Or ask Syl, or...

"Um. I don't wanna do it if it ain't gonna work," she says, and that brings me back to things that are a bit more fundamental than what's running through my head. "I think…I think I'd better try doin' a photo of somethin' else first to make sure it works. And then we can see if you can take a photo of somethin' else and I can…you know, do stuff with the chemicals."

I groan a bit at the suggestion and slap my forehead, because yes, really, that's a sensible sort of thing to try first and I have no idea why it didn't cross my mind. "Yeah, that'd be best," I say. "I'm not sure what we could do it on... maybe the Carousel? I mean, I at least know her well enough that if the picture turns up anything, I can help guess if it's turning up what's actually there, you know?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Maybe there'd be a time that'd be better... Maybe I can ask the twins about that, at least."

"Yeah. Askin' the twins what a good time'd be - that's better. It's somethin' small, and it ain't really 'bout Management, not like askin' what their plans'd be. Long as you can ask without none of you gettin' hurt! I don't want nothin' bad to happen to none of you.

"Yeah, that'd be best," I say. "I'm not sure what we could do it on... maybe the Carousel? I mean, I at least know her well enough that if the picture turns up anything, I can help guess if it's turning up what's actually there, you know?"

"Okay." I grin some, 'cause Zann thought it was a good idea! But I gotta think more. Gotta make sure I thought of everything… "Um…Better do it when there ain't people on it so's we can make sure it's just the Carousel. Don't think it would mess up nothin' if there was people, but I just wanna be sure."

There. Done. We made a plan.

Headache's clearin' a lil, and I blink up to Zann. "Um. You wanna try now?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Better do it when there ain't people on it so's we can make sure it's just the Carousel. Don't think it would mess up nothin' if there was people, but I just wanna be sure," and I nod and it's odd how simple it's all starting to seem--not easy, maybe, fine, but simple. Genny blinks up at me. "Um. You wanna try now?"

"Yeah," I say, squeezing my arm around her and then shifting my weight and getting up. I'm grinning; it feels good to be getting ready to do something, at least, even if we're not sure it'll work yet, and I hold out a hand to help her up. "Come on, honey."

My mood starts to sag again when we're back at the midway. I could stand to see it so empty on a morning, sure, but it's afternoon, and the fact that I know that just by looking, because I've gotten so used to the sun and shadows being the same day in and day out... well, it doesn't help. And it's a nice enough day, I guess, but with the warm light and the dust of the ground, I swear my Carousel already looks too much like one of those old photos for me to be happy about it. She's supposed to move, my baby, even during the day--turning and piping her pattern out into the air.

"You mind if I start her up?" I say kinda hesitantly to Genny. The picture won't be as clear, I'm pretty sure, but she moves and turns--it's what she does, it's how she is, and that's what we're trying to get an idea of. It seems like it should matter.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann grabs my hand and I grin back at her as she pulls me up. It feels good to be workin' together on somethin' with Zann. It feels really good.

We run back to my trailer to get the camera, and it takes a couple minutes to make sure it's all workin' and loaded right, and then we head out to the midway.

Zann's face kinda sinks when we come up on the carousel, and so does mine, and I know she's thinkin' the same thing I am. There ain't nobody here. The carousel ain't even goin' 'round 'cause there just ain't no people on it. I was thinkin' we'd have to wait for everyone to get off 'fore we could take the picture, but we don't have to wait 'cause there ain't no people. Don't think even that darn Summer Sun Day is gonna get folks out here. We been here too long! We should be movin'…

"You mind if I start her up?" Zann asks after a sec.

I frown a little, lookin' harder. "Yeah," I say, real slow. "I think it'd work better that way. 'Cause that way if I can make the photo move, we'll know it really worked."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," she says, like someone going through her steps in slow-motion before stepping into the dance. "I think it'd work better that way. 'Cause that way if I can make the photo move, we'll know it really worked," and I nod and touch her shoulder, step up and forward and around her as I go up to my baby, start her spinning.

She's slow, for a moment. The air's slow and almost heavy, and it makes me think of honey and old glass. But she moves, she does, with a creak in the bones of her to start and then she shrugs herself awake, yawn and a rumble and the gears mesh into each other, and then the thin and fine piping of her starts coming out through and into the air.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Zann touches my shoulder, just a little, and I smile over at her as she goes off to get the carousel goin'. I like havn' a plan with her.

The camera feels big and heavy in my hands while I wait for the carousel to spin up, more'n I remembered it bein'. Is it s'posed to be that heavy or is somethin' extra happenin' 'cause it knows I want to take a picture that's gonna be more'n just what it looks like? The paintbrushes feel different sometimes, and I can't tell with them neither.

Spinnin' starts, music starts. There goes the carousel.

Takin' a photo's halfway to one of my special paintings already, 'cause it's takin' what's already there and tryin' to make somethin' better out of it, tryin' to make real life into art.

I bring up the camera and wait…there's the light, there's the angle. Watch it go, round and round…

There! That's what I was waitin' for. My favorite white horse comes 'round the curve, and I grin at it, and snap the picture. "There! Got it." I blink out into the light again and hold the camera out to Zann. "You wanna try now?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"There! Got it," and with the sound of the camera I think about sutters and I remember all the other things they're for, holding in glass and blocking out storms, little flaps of wall. Heavier things than cameras, somehow. "You wanna try now?" and I take the camera from her, watching the Carousel spin 'round and 'round. I know what's coming next each time, sure, and that's almost like seeing things the way I used to, not just motion in the moment but understanding how each one will, has, does lead into the next, and the tune piping out steady and sure. The horses coming 'round the turn, and the sweet surety and new happiness of seeing that same old thing happen this time, and this time, and this time again...

I barely notice when I take the picture, and then I'm shaking my head and looking at her, kinda embarrassed but happy about it. "Bet yours'll be better," I say, grinning. "Can I help with getting them... things... with getting anything ready or done, now?" I mean, I looked up how to make one work, when I built it for her, but that's different from actually using it even at the most normal times and this ain't that, it really really isn't.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

What does she see when she looks? Which one is she waitin' for?

Wish I knew what made her smile like that when she saw it.

I'm smilin' back when she takes the camera down, 'cause she just looks so happy. And...kinda sheepish, too? What's she got to be embarrassed 'bout? "Bet yours'll be better," she says, so I guess that's it.

"Yours is gonna be good too." I reach out to take the camera back - and then I wait a sec, and then put my hand on her shoulder. "If it makes you grin like that, it's gotta be good."

"Can I help with getting them... things... with getting anything ready or done, now?"

"Sure. If you wanna get some of the solutions ready, maybe? I...gotta think about what I should do with 'em." Which one should I cry into? All of 'em? Only one? How much? Guess I won't know till I get there, just like with the paints... "But you can get 'em all mixed up before I do. Here, let's go back to my place."

I can turn my trailer into a darkroom if I wanna. Don't usually close it off so much 'cause I don't want to keep the light out, but if I close the shutters and put the heavy curtains on then I can make it a darkroom. I reach up to close the shutters from the outside as we come up to it, and then tuck the camera under my arm real careful so's I can hold the door for Zann.

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"If it makes you grin like that, it's gotta be good," and I lift up my hand and put it over hers on my shoulder, squeeze it for a second.

"She kinda always does, if I think about it, you know?" I point my chin back towards the Carousel as we head back towards the living lot. "Stopping to look just... helps it be clearer." Think about that as she shuts up the windows, because what I miss is seeing what'll happen before and after, and it's strange to get even a little of that from watching what's happening now.

I head in and take the door from Genny so that she can get in without worrying about managing the door and the camera both. I know how to get things ready, at least; I had to look it all up that first time when I went to go see that Hughes guy about what I needed to make it work, make sure it could all work. They smell different from the way her trailer usually does, sharper and richer than the usual not-quite-dusty backdrop of oil and canvas and paper. And knowing that they'll work, it's not the same as seeing the Carousel, but it`s something to feel at least a little bit good about.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. I know." I say to Zann, with a little smile. And I do. It's what Zann does, it's what she's always been about, and the carousel's always been her favorite of all her machines. I squeeze Zann's hand back, and then let it go so's we can get to work.

I can smell the solutions as Zann sets 'em out. Ain't smelled 'em in a long long time - ain't wanted to use 'em 'cause I didn't want to waste nothin'. Like when I was little and didn't want to wear my Sunday dress even on Sundays 'cause it was too good.

I put the camera down real careful and run my finger over the edge of the trays where Zann's put the chemicals.

Then my finger stops. The first one. The developer solution. That's where I gotta go. That's what actually makes the photo. That's what shows what's really there - the other two just keep the picture where it is once it's showin'. Yeah. This is the one where I need to work.

"Okay," I say, real quiet now. "I…gotta cry into this one. To make it show what's really there."

Hate this part.

I make sure the camera's all ready, and the film is set for me to just pick up and go, and then I start thinkin' 'bout stuff.

We're stuck here. Ain't never gonna go nowhere.

It's bad, but I already thunk it so many times that it ain't makin' me cry no more. Somethin' else.

People are gonna start leavin'. Not everyone's gonna want to stay here even if the Carnival does. People are gonna leave….

That does it. I sniff once, real big, and I feel the tears start to fall.

They hit the developer tray, and the world goes gray.

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

She looks like a kid picking a ride from the Carousel on a slow afternoon, running her fingers over the carve of mane or rein or wing. "Okay. I…gotta cry into this one," she says. "To make it show what's really there."

"'kay," I say quietly, and I want to hug her, but that won't help right now, kinda the opposite in fact. So I step back and watch and her eyes well up with tears and turn into something gray as sanded glass, and there's a thin ripple in the developer tray, her tears falling in and I want to say don't cry, honey. And then she slides in the sheet and I lean over from the far side to look, to see how this will come out.

"Oh," I say all quiet, and then "oh, wow," and look up and I want to swallow my words because I don't know what else she might need to do and I don't want to be a distraction, and the picture's still all blurry with lines and shading ghosting in like metal filings echoing the circles of a magnet, and with the rippling from her tears I can't really tell, but, "Genny, hon, I... I think there's people...?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

The world goes gray…

I can hear the music. Bright happy music, nearly drowned out by people laughing, and under it all is the whirr and thump of machines.

And I see - bright sun and spinning wheels, horses soaring up and down, people laughing as they ride and clamoring at the gate to try to be next. The Carousel is full, just like it should be. Just like it truly is.

Power runs off of me in thick streams, like rain running out of gutters in a storm. This feels different, I think, in a far-off part of my mind. This isn't like painting. This is like eating the star (when did I ever eat a star?) - it's thick and full and fast, overflowing with the vivid details of every person and every gear, every thread of every horse's mane, every coin in every person's pocket, every wisp of cotton candy, everything and everything, running out of me and into the picture.

Everything is there. Every single detail, made real in the photograph, of the Carousel as it really is, as it was meant to be.

From far off there is a voice, tethering me to the world. "Genny, hon, I... I think there's people…?"

"Yes," I whisper. I smile at the sound of the voice and the feeling of the power within me. More and more power, until it tingles, until I'm so full I could burst. "Yes. There's people."

Done!

I don't know how I know it's time, but it is. I fall back, stumble away from the tray.

"I did it," I whisper, world still gray, as I stagger back.