All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

[Saturday, June 19th (Day 384)]
[Early afternoon, Main Street]

Iago's having lunch at the Miskatonic Cafe, when Jarmyn stops by his table.   Despite being wary of Iago's sharp tongue, Jarmyn decides to sit down anyway, along with the newly-arrived Leah.  Iago gleefully takes the opportunity for what it is and needles Jarmyn mercilessly in front of their confused table-mate, and without realizing it, the rest of the cafe, as well. 

Glass arrives, looking for her own meal and quickly notices the tense duo before settling at a nearby table.  She's within hearing range and catches various snippets of their back-and-forth conversation, much to her amusement and consternation.

Meanwhile, Iago's practically dared Jarmyn into apologizing to Glass.  The cafe patrons and Iago are riveted.  Jarmyn gives it a shot but Glass isn't interested and after a tense moment, he returns to Iago's table.  It only get worse from there, and after another tense exchange, Iago leaves the table and joins Glass at hers.  The estranged couple agree to leave the cafe and are currently strolling along Main Street while they talk.

[continued from here]

~ ~ ~

"You set aside him beating me 'til I'd've died in our bed with my brain crushing against my skull and you'd not forgive him running afraid of you?"

I shake my head, curious as I ask, "Glass, if it bothered you so much, the beating he gave you, then why did you take him as a lover in the first place?  I feel like you're angry with me for it but I didn't make that choice for you."  My voice is quiet as I continue, "I won't disagree that I thought it the right thing, setting things aside so we could have the relationship I thought we both wanted." I'm regretful as I add, "If you didn't want it, I wish I'd realized it then.  I wouldn't have encouraged it otherwise."

When she mentions 'running afraid', I chuckle lightly, vaguely amused as I shake my head again.  "There are none that fear me, love, least of all, him. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." I scowl, recalling my conversation from the cafe with Jarmyn and continue, "As for the louse, I didn't say it was fine or right, not now and not when it happened.  I've told him so as well.  Today even."

I pause, swallowing my disappointment at her words before quietly asking, "Love, I'm confused. You tell me you love me but we can't live together?"  I sigh, taking a long drag.  "I disagree. You're not helping me by pushing me away."  Curious about her perspective, I ask, "Is it helping you any?"

[Open to Glass]

Comments

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Dorian. I remember that, some bitterness to the nightnow but I remember. "Not angry with you over that," I say, lifting my chin a little. "That was mine." Not disputing that, whatever my reasons, and there's a bloody tangle of them.

"I won't disagree that I thought it the right thing, setting things aside so we could have the relationship I thought we both wanted--"

Wait.

What?

And he's carrying on blithe, "If you didn't want it, I wish I'd realized it then. I wouldn't have encouraged it otherwise."

"If you thought it was a relationship he was after, didn't hear it from you during the week and a half after that night that he was staying clear of us," I say dry. "No. You were worrying after him threeday after it happened. You telling me that even then you thought I was after taking up with him? Did you take my hating what the Shuck and Verdandi did to him more'n I hated what he did to me to be bloody invitation on my part?"

Back again to matter of Dorian, and his nature--could swear he's part spoilt cat, really. "There are none that fear me, love, least of all, him. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," and the look of irritation I shoot Iago fades when I see he means it. It's Dorian Gray; he needs to dose himself to say he'd be wounded by being set aside and even then can't bring himself t'say any ways most other would understand, and Iago thinks there's no fear there? You could sneak up on the man and cry household and he'd vanish for another month.

"As for the louse, I didn't say it was fine or right, not now and not when it happened. I've told him so as well. Today even," and fine the words, but in the moment as it happened...

"You were fine with it then," I say quiet. "Less he forced you onto himself, and you never told me if he did." It's starting to rain, a little. Streets are emptying out some, between that and the time and us moving east.

"Love, I'm confused," he says. "You tell me you love me but we can't live together? I disagree," and then on to "You're not helping me by pushing me away." Yes, well, bloody sorry it had t'come t'this as the only way to even begin to give him less chance to tear himself up, but I'm still not seeing it as a wrong. "Is it helping you any?"

"It's leaving me surer you won't tear yourself up over some whim you imagine I have," I say quiet, "or ignore what I actually do mind. That's some help t'me; I'm considering it help t'you. And I don't trust you, as I used to. Easier to weight that out calm, when I'm alone."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I listen as she takes the word 'relationship' and runs with it in an unexpected direction, but I'm patient, more for myself than for her and I carefully consider what she's telling me. "Love, at the time I was opposed to it because I was under the impression that all he wanted from you was sex. And I suppose it was but then the sin-eating you did to him, it changed him." I glance at her, adding, "Hell, it changed everything. Things were different between the two of you after that, and the tension changed, shifting into something sexual."

My eyebrow arches as I add, "And I never said you invited him. Certainly not for a reason like that, if any. All I said was that things had changed between you, and yes, it eventually became a relationship."

She doesn't address my reply regarding Dorian's lack of fear but really there's no need, not when I have quite a bit else to focus on. "You were fine with it then," and I shake my head. "No, not even then was I completely fine with it, and I'm even less so now. I told you what happened that night but I'm left wondering if you think I missed something." Perhaps she might and I ask, "Do you?"

I ditch my finished smoke and find myself wanting another immediately. Ah, at the rate I'm going, this new pack will be demolished in no time. I disagree with her and tell her why before asking my own question. I'm pondering her reply as I light another smoke and take a sweet, welcoming drag. "You say you don't trust me as you used to and I understand that. I felt the same way about you myself. I just don't agree that being alone is the answer."

Pursing my lips, I turn over her words again, trying to see it as she does before quietly saying, "I'm still confused, love. If you love me but want to be without me, does this mean we're still married? I wasn't certain before, when you first told me to leave and I'm uncertain now as well."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Love, at the time I was opposed to it because I was under the impression that all he wanted from you was sex," and then on to something about sin-eating and some backwards idea of sexual tension, sure that only sprung from Dorian trapping me in the chair and kissing me and my not seeing another way out, and was never the cause. Bloody hell.

Shake my head and hold up a hand. "At the time you were opposed to it," I say, each word set out, and they've no more sense coming from my mouth than they do landing in my ear. "When you were pinning him on top of me and bouncing up and down encouraging us to set aside our differences, then you were opposed to it? Because if not think you'd best set out what time you were speaking of. And I'd have that settled first, my thanks, afore any of this goes farther."

Because if he's playing games now or then I'm too bloody angry to think it wise to speak on our marriage, and if this is some Excolo prank I don't care to set out matter of what being wed means to something only wearing his face.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I pause as she holds her hand up, listening as I smoke. I shake my head as I reply, "No, love. The encounter with the bouncing, that was afterwards. I meant before then. Obviously, I can't be opposed to something if I was the one that encouraged it that night." I take a long drag, recalling bits and pieces of that emotionally-tumultuous time. "I remember being quite liquored up and the Black Doves as well."

She's quite angry and I raise my eyebrows, uncertain as I ask, "Love..? Why are you angry?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Because you're not making sense," I say through my teeth. "Because you say you set aside grudge against Dorian for thinking we both cared to keep company with him, and that first time was nothing of the sort. Because you cared for him that day we'n Lucien went see him after he beat me, and I sure's hell wasn't minded for anything of the bloody sort then, so 'less you took me for inviting him then it wasn't for what you thought I wanted that you left off holding a grudge. Because you say you were set against him only wanting a fling, never mind last summer where you said this is your chance and you were willing and it was me who turned him aside." Stop and catch my breath a moment.

"And you're on about how you didn't take it for fine t'do as you did with that louse, even the night it happened, so mind telling me exactly why it happened? He sure's hell didn't force you to it, not in the Tavern."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I ask Glass why she's angry and she insists, "Because you're not making sense." I wince as she continues, explaining exactly why. It's quite a tongue-lashing and I'm silent, chewing on my smoke as I search for words. It's just as well that I'm quiet as Milady Glass has more to say, this time about Jarmyn. I'm biting my lip, quiet as I listen.

"Was it all truly like that, love?" I shake my head, continuing, "It must be, otherwise you'd not say so. You're not the sort to twist words." I sigh, glancing away as I frown and rake my hand through my unruly hair. "I--" There are no easy words coming to me and perhaps that's for the best. I try again, quietly saying, "Well, damnit. No wonder we don't agree."

I want time to think this over but there's none right now, not with Glass here. Where's my clever tongue now? Two long drags of my smoke steady me a bit before I begin again. "As loathe as I'm to say it, it seems that Dorian's quite a bit more important to me than perhaps I understood, and you've suffered for it, love." My mouth twists and I continue, "As for the louse, you're right, I wasn't forced into anything. As for the why..."

She may as well know the whole truth, if she didn't already. "It started innocently enough, nothing more than a mild flirtation between friends but as we drank more and more, I became careless. I thought I knew what I was doing but I didn't fully realize the situation. And I never meant for it to go as far as it did." I make a face, tense as I add, "For whatever its worth, we didn't kiss, or have any sort of sex."

"But I did know it was different when he asked me to strike him." I puff my smoke once, twice. "And afterwards, I was certain, sickened as it reminded me terribly of my late father. If I'd not been so far in my cups, I'd have left immediately." I wish I had. "As it was, he tried to comfort me and the whiskey loosened my tongue so considerably that before I knew it, I was offering cast-off furniture."

I cross my arms. "I just don't know what I was thinking. All I wanted was a friend." I sigh regretfully and quietly say, "I'm sorry, love, for all of it."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Was it all truly like that, love?" and this is about the bleeding limit. "It must be, otherwise you'd not say so. You're not the sort to twist words. I--" Looks for a moment as if he's trying to setle on words, and then comes to "Well, damnit. No wonder we don't agree."

No.
Wonder.

"As loathe as I'm to say it, it seems that Dorian's quite a bit more important to me than perhaps I understood, and you've suffered for it, love."

"If you can't recall when you forgave him nor why," I say, I'd worry more over that." Not sure if he thinks my suffering's from what he did for Dorian's sake or from him forgetting this way, amd none of this settling any worry over whether Iago knows who I am, nor him either. At the time I was opposed to it, and that is leaving me very bloody uneasy, and I do not understand. "Did you forget his offer, back in summer, and your agreeing?" I say, shaking my head.

Sets out matter of that night in the Tavern, and nothing new, but think he's not seeing it the same way I do. "I thought I knew what I was doing but I didn't fully realize the situation... For whatever its worth, we didn't kiss, or have any sort of sex... As it was, he tried to comfort me and the whiskey loosened my tongue so considerably that before I knew it, I was offering cast-off furniture."

"And time with Wanda, not that she'd have him," I say dry. Wonder if the wives of those as came creeping out to see her put much weight in her not kissing them; not seeing if it's worth worrying over what'd've happened if Iago'd not been 'minded of Raphael.

"I know you're sorry," I say after he apologizes. "But now don't know if you'll remember this in a month, or a fortnight, or how you'll see it then, Iago."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"If you can't recall when you forgave him nor why, I'd worry more over that."

I nod, quietly saying, "Yes, it did occur to me." I consider her question about Dorian and continue, "No." I pause before adding, "...perhaps some of it, but it's not an excuse, love. My memories of late tend to focus more on the happiness we all had together, rather than any miseries. I've chalked it up to a case of selective memory on my part but it certainly doesn't change what actually happened."

Milady Glass makes mention of my offer regarding Wanda and I shake my head. "No, she wouldn't, and I'd not ask her either." Although if he did fall into her hands, and judging from what her basement looked like, I can imagine quite a bit of what she might do to him. "That would've only made things worse."

I apologize and besides some concern over my memory, it's clear that I've not yet won over Milady Glass. Quickly squelching the notion that I might never do so, I choose to contemplate instead that Rome wasn't built in a day. Patience is the order of the day and I pause before saying, "I need to write a quick note, love. Give me a moment." I pull out a small pad of paper and jot a few salient points on my scorecard, list, or whatever the fuck I'm calling it today.

I don't look up from my writing as I say, "I'm tired of arguing in circles with you, love and rather than blame you, I've decided to take notes for reference's sake. It would foolish for me to argue with both you and any facts recorded in my own handwriting." I scowl a bit before adding, "If you mock me about it, I'm going to glare at you. Just so you know."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

...

And just stand there, looking at him, as the rain scatters down.

"Iago," I say quietly. "I'm not after mocking you. But I'm not..." Watch him a moment, and try again.

"It's not on me to set out your truth," I settle on. "I'm thinking... you want to sit down and weigh out your memories. Once you're settled on what you recall, may be better time for talking. But I can't... set out what was and sort out what may be, not all tangled together."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

She just stand there, looking at me and all I can do is stare back. She takes another moment and then begins,.

I shake my head, saying, "There never seems to be a good time for talking, Glass, and it all seems to end badly each time." I sigh in frustration and continue, "I don't even know why I bothered with this," and I fling the now-useless pad into a mud puddle. "You want me to remember it all clearly, fine, then I will. And then what happens after that? Will you tear through me because you didn't like what I said or did in the past even though I can't possibly change it now? Will you always hold it against me?"

I chew through my smoke, trying to stay calm through my hurt feelings. "I do have a question." I turn and look at her. "We didn't speak or see each for six weeks, Glass, and not once during that time did you come to see me. You didn't write either. I know I didn't see you either but that's what you asked for so I gave it to you. I was waiting for you, every damned day, but you never came."

I ache terribly, fairly certain that this will end just as badly as everything else but I need to tell her how I feel. "And I didn't want to leave Excolo to go to Ipswich. Not at all, but Alessandra insisted and was told that if you came by, I was coming back immediately and my business in Ipswich be damned. But you never did. Not during your accident, not during your stillbirth, nothing."

Raking my hair back, I swallow another lump and continue, "And speaking of that, why did you choose to tell me that you'd miscarried my child at the cafe, of all places. Did you trust me so little that even our baby's death wasn't enough to warrant a private conversation?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Flinch a little but let him speak, let him carry on. "And speaking of that, why did you choose to tell me that you'd miscarried my child at the cafe, of all places. Did you trust me so little that even our baby's death wasn't enough to warrant a private conversation?" and there in the rain wait a moment and then begin to answer.

"You asked how I'd been," I say quiet. "Wasn't matter of trust, one way nor another. Asked and I told you, and it never happened, not to you. You were gone and didn't even tell me," and the anger's stirring, the idea that if I'd been a little stronger I'd've crept out far as Alessandra's and then been left crawling back in the cold, aching and bloody. Fine that he'd've come back, no mind for how many days travel Ipswich might be away, but that doesn't change he left...

"You don't mean things!" and it's more misery than I'd care t'give voice to, but it's pouring out. "You tie me up in knots over something claim you thought, I ask you what the hell you're on about, and you turn around with oh, well, suppose I never thought that at all. You want t'speak t'me, then you tell me what you bloody mean, don't chatter at me like some drunk you're after making smile so they'll have you keep pouring!" Step back and cross my arms and try and breathe.

"Never said you couldn't see me, or talk to me, but had you leave because you make yourself sick over me, Iago, bloody right I didn't come see you."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

She flinches and immediately, I'm regretful of my rash action. I sigh, raking a hand through my wet, unruly hair as I glance briefly at my discarded notepad. I look back to my love and ask about the time I was gone before asking about her choice of locations for certain conversation topics.

Her voice is low and I take long drags of my smoke, listening and less than pleased when she says, "...Asked and I told you, and it never happened, not to you." And even though she's right, it does little to change my pang of loss. Her voice pitches, and I catch a sliver of her anger as she adds, "...You were gone and didn't even tell me."

I stare at her, intending to reply but I can't, not in the face of her obvious pain. How did we come to this place, my love? My missteps echo in my mind, standing between us and the happiness we once had. I hate the way I've made her feel and I look up at the overcast sky, wishing the rain would wash away my ever-growing list of unacceptable sins. It's not to be though and as she crosses her arms, I watch her step away from me.

Ditching my smoke, I quietly say, "You told me to leave but you never said when I should come back, and because I didn't know, it seemed to me that you didn't want to be with me anymore." I rub my eyes to clear my vision. "I didn't leave Excolo to hurt you, love. I swear it. I only went for Alessandra and I'd have told you." I shake my head and continue, "But I didn't think you wanted to speak to me. I didn't want to be rejected again either."

I look up at the rain again, blinking rapidly before saying, "Can we get out of the rain?" Remembering the crowd in the cafe, I continue, "Not the cafe though. Somewhere dry, with less curious witnesses, if possible."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Minute I'm left wondering if I even said what I did about the slip of his words, the meaning that looks solid and then collapses into mud when you try and take hold of it. Touch one hand light to my mouth as if I could feel some trace of what I did or didn't speak still there. I told him I didn't want him to leave, I did...

"Iago." Can't think where to go with that a moment, and the rain runs down. "Believe you didn't leave to hurt me. But I bloody well cannot talk to you while you're going in circles over what did or didn't happen, think or don't." And if it's something he can drop in a moment's notice, then it's a game he's been playing with me all this time, and I will not have that, I will not. "I'll walk you back t'Allesandra's, but this matter of speaking without meaning, I'd have you see to that afore speaking further."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I nod, and as I begin to turn towards Alessandra's, I catch myself and lean over to retrieve my now-soggy notepad. I might be able to save it but then I might not. I sigh at myself and gingerly shake the muddy mess, hoping I'll be able to read it later. I wrap the notepad in a handkerchief and stow it in one of my pockets.

"Glass, I'm not trying to speak to you without meaning what I'm saying. In fact, it's the opposite. I'm trying quite hard to make certain that I'm not evasive but from what you're saying, I'm failing." I light another smoke and continue, "You ask me how I felt about things in our past and I've told you. It never seems to be what you want to hear though and more and more, I'm of the mind that perhaps you and I may be discussing two entirely different bits of the same situation."

I pause, considering what we've already discussed and I say, "You seem to want to delve into the heart of things but what you consider that to be may be different that what I do. Rather than ask me to lay it all out and let you pick over it, why don't you ask me one question? Perhaps if we start with one small bit, we won't get lost in another knotted tangle. Does that sound fair to you, love?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"You ask me how I felt about things in our past and I've told you. It never seems to be what you want to hear though and more and more, I'm of the mind that perhaps you and I may be discussing two entirely different bits of the same situation," and I bloody well hope that those two things are different to his mind because if he's thinking the only reason I may not care for what I'm hearing is misunderstanding then he's forgotten more than I care to think he might...

Strikes me I'm hearing precious little about how he feels when we disagree, only about what I feel. Leaves me some unsettled, and not sure why.

"You seem to want to delve into the heart of things but what you consider that to be may be different that what I do. Rather than ask me to lay it all out and let you pick over it, why don't you ask me one question? Perhaps if we start with one small bit, we won't get lost in another knotted tangle. Does that sound fair to you, love?"

"No," I say blunt. "Sounds like you're missing the problem I have with speaking of the matter. Moment ago you were so unsure of way of things you were after writing down my thoughts on it, setting aside any of your own. What good do you think my asking you about anything'll do when you can't tell in your own mind what did or didn't happen?"

Well, then. Suppose that's one question, in its own way, but not one as is going to settle matters; nor does it. End up walking him back home in the rain, and parting ways.