"Peace demands the most heroic labor and the most difficult sacrifice."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

Morning of Monday, 3rd May
The Boy

It has been a strange time, living at the abbey, but better for me than the carnival, I think, grateful though I am to Syl for her hospitality. The peaceful industry of the place has helped me grow calm again. Calm, and determined to find a way back to what I was, so I can once again be what I should be to this community of good people.

Nanse-kam told me about his meeting with Miao, and I am very sorry I had not realised she'd carried her wound into the waking world. Such things happen rarely, but it should have occurred to me that it might have done in this case.

I have been wearing abbey robes, but I think that would look strange at the brothel, so I wear a sari that Nanse-kam kindly bought for me at the market. The drapes remind me of the robes I used to wear long ago, and it seems respectful to wear pretty clothes when visiting a friend.

The house is quiet when I arrive, and the receptionist tells me they're not yet open for business.

"It's just a friendly visit," I say. "If Miss Lei is available, tell her an old friend is here to see her." I give the name Noma, because that is what I'm using in town. My face isn't at all like the one Miao has seen, but I wonder how long it will take for her to recognise me. She's perceptive, after all.

[open to Miao]

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[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

Sophie comes in as I am brushing my hair, and tells me that someone has come to see me. An old friend, she says, though the name is unfamiliar to me. But then, I have met so very many people in the course of my travels...I tell Sophie that I will see this woman, this Noma, and to please make sure that she is comfortable. I have only just risen, so I finish brushing my hair and slip on a simple silk dressing gown (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_KfcLkayV3zM/SvW6FSIj_DI/AAAAAAAAAbU/D3vwWfn-CkU/s1600-h/1930%27s+Chinese+Silk+Dressing+Gown+1.jpg) and come downstairs.

I see that Sophie has settled Noma in the parlor with tea and a plate of fruit, and I am very pleased. "Please, forgive me for the delay," I say as I enter. The woman...I do not know her...her face is not familiar...but something about her is, yes? "Good morning, and welcome...please, forgive my rudeness...." I do know her, I am certain of it. "...but I cannot recall where it was that we met."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

I rise as Miao comes in, and she looks puzzled. I bow to her.

"We drank tea together once, and we talked about your friends. I am sorry if I have roused you from your bed."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

The woman bows to me, her movements precise and graceful. "We drank tea together once, and we talked about your friends. I am sorry if I have roused you from your bed."

"Please forgive me...you did not rouse me, but we rise late here. Our nights are long, and..." and the face, the face I do not know, but her voice. Oh my gods and goddesses, can it be true? Brother Nanse-kam told me, he told me that she had been changed, but....

I step closer to her, my hand holding the throat of my robe closed, fingers bunched tightly in the silk. "...Yuanjung?"

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"I didn't mean to frighten you, Miao," I say, concerned, seeing how her fingers clutch her robe. "I'm sorry if I have. Please, sit. You look faint."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"I didn't mean to frighten you, Miao," she says, and I realize how I must look. Ah, ah, I have been rude. "I'm sorry if I have. Please, sit. You look faint."

"Not frightened," I say, accepting the seat across from her. "Merely....startled. Brother Nanse-Kam told me that you had been changed...that you had lost something in the dreaming...but I did not think..." it is so strange, seeing her in flesh, with a new face. Speaking to her in English. But she is still my friend. My good friend. And oh, oh, what has happened to her? "I am so sorry. Are you...are you alright?"

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"It's understandable to be surprised, of course," I say. "It was a shock to me too. The first days..." I shake my head. "I had a physical body once, long ago, when I was at the height of my power. I could move between worlds as easily as human bodies breathe. But as I felt my powers retreat, I chose to move into the dreamworld permanently, and there I have stayed, bearing the passing of the ages better than most of my kin." I think of my children. Somehow it hurts more, their loss, now I am in a body. Remembering the feel of how they grew in me, once upon a time. "When I fell on my sword, I thought it would be an end of all of me, so I'm glad it was not... But this is not how I wish to be." I look at Miao. "You made a great sacrifice too. A gift of flesh is a very great thing, Miao, and I thank you for it."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"It's understandable to be surprised, of course," Yuanjung says kindly, but I shake my head. There was truly no excuse for my rude greeting. "It was a shock to me too. The first days...I had a physical body once, long ago, when I was at the height of my power. I could move between worlds as easily as human bodies breathe. But as I felt my powers retreat, I chose to move into the dreamworld permanently, and there I have stayed, bearing the passing of the ages better than most of my kin."

"It is easier to keep a sense of wonder, of the divine, in dreams." I say. "There is always such a sense of...of the unknown, of mystery."

"When I fell on my sword, I thought it would be an end of all of me, so I'm glad it was not... But this is not how I wish to be." Of course it is not, for it is not how she is. How could anyone be happy when they have been forced to become something that they are not? "You made a great sacrifice too. A gift of flesh is a very great thing, Miao, and I thank you for it."

I shake my head, and pick up the teapot to pour. "It seemed the correct thing to do at the time...it seemed the only correct thing to do at the time." It is difficult, balancing the pot in only one hand, but I manage to pour without spilling more than a few drops. "I am only glad that I was able to help. And I am so glad that we all...that we all are well."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"There is always such a sense of...of the unknown, of mystery."

"Yes," I say. "Mystery is so important. Without it we forget to look beyond ourselves."

"It seemed the correct thing to do at the time...it seemed the only correct thing to do at the time. I am only glad that I was able to help. And I am so glad that we all...that we all are well."

"Still," I say, "there are many who would see what must be done and would still not do it. You are brave, Miao." I look at her. "Are you well?" I ask her. "You have suffered a great deal."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"There are many who would see what must be done and would still not do it. You are brave, Miao." Nanshe tells me, and not the first to tell me so, but I still shake my head. I did what had to be done, and I did as my story compelled me to do. I do not feel that there is true courage in that.

"Are you well?" She asks me suddenly. "You have suffered a great deal."

"I am...well enough." I sigh. "It has been hard, growing used to having only one hand. But the pain is not so much, not so much anymore." I pause, my fingers toying with the handle of my teacup. But is this not the sort of thing one speaks about with friends? "Lucien and I are no longer lovers."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"It has been hard, growing used to having only one hand. But the pain is not so much, not so much anymore."

"I would heal you if I could," I say. "But your hand was a gift made in my realm, and I do not think I have the right to give it back. And now I am in this body, I don't think that I could do it."

"Lucien and I are no longer lovers."

"I'm sorry, Miao," I say. "In the great dream we shared, there seemed to be tension between you... How do you feel about him?"

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"I would heal you if I could," Yuanjung tells me, and her concern touches me. "But your hand was a gift made in my realm, and I do not think I have the right to give it back. And now I am in this body, I don't think that I could do it."

"No," I say, and reach across the table to touch her hand. "It was a sacrifice, a gift. Such a thing should not be returned. It was freely given, and I do not regret its loss."

I tell her of Lucien...and I wonder if perhaps it is a foolish thing to discuss with a goddess. But she is my friend, is she not? Is this not the sort of thing one discusses with a friend? "I'm sorry, Miao. In the great dream we shared, there seemed to be tension between you... How do you feel about him?"

"I love him," I say simply, for this is so, and likely will always be so. "But I do not think that either of us ever truly understood each other. He did not...he did not seem to truly know me, not at the core. It became clear that he...he did not see relationships in the same way that I did. And..." I shake my head. "...the way that he treated Wanda, and the way that he continues to enable her now. I simply could not support that." I shake my head. "I do not know."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"Love isn't always enough to sustain a relationship," I say. "My husband and I loved one another, but we had little in common. If we had not had shared duties and children, we probably would have drifted apart," I say. "But I am sorry if you are sad now."

I sip my tea.

"I have seen Wanda," I say. "Not in flesh - I will not have her husband know what has happened to me, and I can't trust that she won't tell him - but in her dreams. She seems in less danger now she has had her child."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"Love isn't always enough to sustain a relationship. My husband and I loved one another, but we had little in common. If we had not had shared duties and children, we probably would have drifted apart. But I am sorry if you are sad now."

"I am sad now," I nod. "I am grieving. But I know that it was the right thing for both of us." I pause to sip my tea. "I did not know that you had a husband and children...do you still speak with them?" I hope so.

Yuanjung says that she has seen Wanda, and I listen intently. "Not in flesh - I will not have her husband know what has happened to me, and I can't trust that she won't tell him - but in her dreams. She seems in less danger now she has had her child."

"She will always be in danger so long as she remains under the Morningstar's influence," I sigh. "Her child...how does she seem to you?" I hope, I hope against all hope that the babe will grow sweet and kind...but I worry, oh, I worry. "I miss Wanda so...but I cannot support the decision that she has made. And she seems unwilling or unable to hear reason."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"I did not know that you had a husband and children...do you still speak with them?"

I shake my head.

"They have passed out of this world," I say, "and out of Dream. I have not seen them in a long, long time."

"Her child...how does she seem to you? I miss Wanda so...but I cannot support the decision that she has made. And she seems unwilling or unable to hear reason."

"The child seems more than human, but beyond that I can't say. I feel no malice from her. And Wanda has chosen her own way... But I have some comfort in thinking that the love she has for the child might stop her from plunging into destruction. I think she loves the infant more than she loves her husband, and so perhaps that will save her." I sip my tea and set it down.

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

Yuanjung shakes her head when I ask about her husband, her children, and it pains my heart. "They have passed out of this world, and out of Dream. I have not seen them in a long, long time."

"I am sorry," I say, and I am. I have perhaps known Yuanjung for a very little time, but I think that she treasures the bond of family, of maternity. "You must miss them very much. I am sorry that you have not seen them, and I hope that you find them again soon."

I ask her of Wanda, and of the child that she has born. Yuanjung tells me,
"The child seems more than human, but beyond that I can't say. I feel no malice from her. And Wanda has chosen her own way... But I have some comfort in thinking that the love she has for the child might stop her from plunging into destruction. I think she loves the infant more than she loves her husband, and so perhaps that will save her."

"Perhaps," I sigh, and turn my cup around in my hand. "The bond that she had with Lucien and I...I would have said, some time ago, that nothing would have broken it. And yet she has left at least me behind, and Lucien as a lover, to be with the Morningstar. That she has forgotten so many friendships, has ignored them and the danger she has posed to them, for the sake of being with him. And it worries me, that he has used her to bear his child." I shake my head. "I hope truly that the child will heal her, and all of this. But I am frightened, Yuanjung. I am frightened."

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"You must miss them very much. I am sorry that you have not seen them, and I hope that you find them again soon."

I smile a little.

"If I see them again, I think it will be in the world beyond dream or waking, and I don't plan to go there just yet. But perhaps one day we shall be reunited."

"I hope truly that the child will heal her, and all of this. But I am frightened, Yuanjung. I am frightened."

I listen to what Miao says about Wanda, and I sigh. I reach out and touch the back of her hand lightly.

"I am frightened too, Miao. I wish I knew more about where this would lead. It's why I need to find a way back to my old state. I have so little power like this, and I can't protect the town the way I have done before." I shake my head. "I've tried to talk to Wanda a little. I hope it has helped. But some people just don't want to be saved."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"If I see them again, I think it will be in the world beyond dream or waking, and I don't plan to go there just yet. But perhaps one day we shall be reunited."

"So it is always with those we have loved and lost." I say, smiling faintly. "But we shall see them again, I think. When the time comes for all of us to pass beyond that veil, before we are reborn into our new bodies, I think that we will see all of those dear to us again. You will see your children and your husband again, Yuanjung. Of this I am sure."

Yuanjung reaches out, and she touches my hand. And in her touch is some comfort in her touch that I must smile. "I am frightened too, Miao. I wish I knew more about where this would lead. It's why I need to find a way back to my old state. I have so little power like this, and I can't protect the town the way I have done before. I've tried to talk to Wanda a little. I hope it has helped. But some people just don't want to be saved."

"Tezcatlipoca told me that she had been destroyed." I say, and my voice shakes slightly. "I hope...I hope that this has not been true. But after speaking to her, I came away with the idea that she believes she cannot live without him...and what can we do, in that case?"

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

But we shall see them again, I think. When the time comes for all of us to pass beyond that veil, before we are reborn into our new bodies, I think that we will see all of those dear to us again. You will see your children and your husband again, Yuanjung. Of this I am sure."

I knew Miao believes in reincarnation; I wonder if it has occurred to her that may not be the fate of gods, for all some of us are good at rebirth. But she means to comfort me, and so I smile at her.

"Tezcatlipoca told me that she had been destroyed. I hope...I hope that this has not been true. But after speaking to her, I came away with the idea that she believes she cannot live without him...and what can we do, in that case?"

"Tezcatlipoca was in love with despair," I say dismissively, and that is a literal truth, thinking of the tower. "He does not believe in salvation. And he is dead now, so in his case perhaps he was right, but I have a brighter look on the world than him. And as for Wanda... There is nothing we can do, except hope she will see that life offers better things for her than It. She knows you are here if she changes her mind, and you have your own people to care for. Concentrate on them, and on yourself."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

It startles me when Yuanjung dismisses Tezcatlipoca so swiftly.
"Tezcatlipoca was in love with despair," she says, as though that is all that should matter. "He does not believe in salvation. And he is dead now, so in his case perhaps he was right, but I have a brighter look on the world than him. And as for Wanda... There is nothing we can do, except hope she will see that life offers better things for her than It. She knows you are here if she changes her mind, and you have your own people to care for. Concentrate on them, and on yourself."

"I know," I nod slowly, though I think of how many I have lost now too...Dorian is away, Wanda is gone, Lucien is gone. Even Luke has been away a long time. In some ways I feel terribly alone now. "...Tezcatlipoca made terrible choices, but there was kindness to him too. He gave me aid when I confronted the Morningstar, he brought me home, and comforted me as best he could. I do not..." I pause, and consider. "He was wrong in what he did, yes, but there was great kindness to him too. I am very sorry that he is dead." My wrist throbs gently, and I rest it upon the table. "In the meantime...what shall you do, Yuanjung? Do you have any idea yet how you will return to the dream?"

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

Great kindness? Oh, Miao. You are sweet. Sweeter than me; but then, I was a judge. People forget that sometimes, now.

"I am glad he was kind to you," I say. "And he gave his life for one of his priests. That, I think, is the best thing he has done in a long time."

"In the meantime...what shall you do, Yuanjung? Do you have any idea yet how you will return to the dream?"

"Not yet," I say, shaking my head. "But I have been talking with my priests, and we have some ideas." I sigh. "Hopefully we shall find a way. I cannot do much for my people as I am now." I set down my cup and rise. "I have taken up enough of your time, Miao, but I am glad to have seen you. If you need to find me, I will be at the abbey." I pause. "I'm sure I don't need to tell you that my - situation needs to be secret for now. I trust you."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"I am glad he was kind to you. And he gave his life for one of his priests. That, I think, is the best thing he has done in a long time."

Ah, that is very sad. I wonder who this priest was, what happened to him that required the life of a god to heal it. I likely will never know.

I ask if she has any idea on how she will return to the dream, and she shakes her head. "Not yet. But I have been talking with my priests, and we have some ideas. Hopefully we shall find a way. I cannot do much for my people as I am now." As she says this, she stands, and I stand with her. "I have taken up enough of your time, Miao, but I am glad to have seen you. If you need to find me, I will be at the abbey. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that my - situation needs to be secret for now. I trust you."

"You honour me with your trust," I bow my head slightly. "I am very glad that you came, Yuanjung. It was good to see you." After a moment, I come around the table, and I hope that I am not being rude as I pull her into an embrace. "Please, come and see me if you have need of anything. You are a good friend, and I wish to help any way that I can."