Did we try to be true? What separates me from you?

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Thursday, April 22
The Carnival

There was so long when all I ever wanted to do was be 'round Zann. And then there was so long when it hurt too much to even think about bein' 'round her. And now…I don't hardly know. Don't know if Zann thinks I'm stupid. Don't know if she's mad at me for makin' her sad.

But I gotta do it. The twins're right. I gotta do it. I gotta talk to her. Maybe I'll even feel better if I do.

So I go to the cook tent. 'Cause she's gotta eat, right? I do too, and I gotta stop askin' Momma to get my food for me. Hate the way people still stare'n whisper sometimes, but I gotta do it.

I make sure I got coffee just the way she likes it, and I find Zann where she's sittin' way out on the edge of the tent. "Um." Clear my throat. "Hey?"

[Open to Zann]

Comments

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

We hold hands 'most all the way there, not sayin' nothin', just walkin'. Been so long since I been here with Zann. Heck, I ain't been here at all for a long time. I used to draw here all the time, but…I just ain't done it. Not since I been back, and not for a while 'fore that, neither.

Zann sits down and unfolds. She can't keep still - her hands gotta keep goin' at the grass and everythin'. But she don't look all tied up in knots like she did on the lot. It's a little better, at least.

I still want to hug her. Still know I shouldn't.

So I look at the river 'stead of Zann. The light's dancin' over the water like it's alive. Wish I could paint somethin' to look like that. Don't think I can…

"So, enough about me... How've you been, honey? You, you look a lot better."

I peek up and catch her lookin' at me with this little half-smile thing, and I give her one back. "I'm better'n I was. Head still hurts sometimes. And…stuff ain't easy. But I guess I'm gettin' better."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"I'm better'n I was. Head still hurts sometimes," she says, and I nod. "And…stuff ain't easy. But I guess I'm gettin' better."

"That's good," and it's a sort of silly thing to say, even if I mean it, so I go quiet for a second. "Uhm. Are you painting much, since? I mean, I'm sorry, I feel like I don't know what's happened for ages. Are you okay with-- about Tez, I mean?" 'cause okay, I'm glad to see the last of him for a while, but I know she and him, it was--

I figure I should ask.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Tez. It was all nice! We was talkin' and comfy and all, and I could tell her how I felt and I was makin' her feel better and now it's all just...

"No." Everythin' starts to get wobbly, and I feel tears come up in my eyes. "No. I ain't okay." I know she didn't like him much, and heck, with all the stuff that happened with me'n Zann 'cause of Tez I bet she's happy he's gone, but all I feel is empty and blank and I can't not say it. "No. I ain't felt much like painting. I'm. Um. Gettin' by, I guess."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

Oh, hell, Tereixa, you've put your foot in it now. "Honey," I say, "I'm sorry. I know he-- I'm sorry." I mean, I wold love to kick his ragged ass down the midway, but I'm sorry she's feeling like this and anyway even if I'd like to I probably wouldn't. "I guess you'll--" Dammit, and I reach out, try and put one hand on her shoulder. "Oh, Genny, hon, I hope you feel better soon."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Sorry," I say, same time's she's sayin' sorry too. "Sorry. Didn't mean to…" Oh heck I didn't want to make her feel bad! I never want to make her feel bad! I scrub at my eyes and try to stop cryin'…

"It's okay. I'm sorry. Thanks. Um." Don't hardly know what I'm sayin' no more. It all comes out all tangled up. "I hope you feel better soon too?" Still ain't enough.

Her hand's on my shoulder! I shouldn't think 'bout how it feels nice….

"Thanks," I say again. I scrunch closer to her, and give her a little hug too. "I'm gonna get by.

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

I pass her a handkerchief when she starts scrubbing at her eyes, and sort of spend a couple of seconds wishing that Tez had, I don't know, not fucked her up so badly or been so bright. Still, that doesn't fix anything, I guess. But she kind of huddles in to me and says she's gonna get by, and I smile a little.

"That's good," I say. "It's been... really a weird time." I don't quite laugh, the way I don't quite cry these days, sometimes.

"You wanna just... sit for a bit?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

She gives me a hanky. Hope I don't mess it up too much. Guess that's what they're for, but I still don't want to mess up Zann's stuff. I sniffle in it and blow my nose and keep tryin' to stop cryin'. Still don't work, but it feels a little better with Zann there.

"That's good," I say. "It's been... really a weird time."

"Thanks. Yeah. I wasn't even there for most of it and I know it was weird." Guess that was a joke, even though she don't really laugh. Neither do I. Wish I could…

"You wanna just... sit for a bit?"

"Yeah. That...sounds nice." I smile a little at that, 'cause it does sound nice.