Did we try to be true? What separates me from you?

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Thursday, April 22
The Carnival

There was so long when all I ever wanted to do was be 'round Zann. And then there was so long when it hurt too much to even think about bein' 'round her. And now…I don't hardly know. Don't know if Zann thinks I'm stupid. Don't know if she's mad at me for makin' her sad.

But I gotta do it. The twins're right. I gotta do it. I gotta talk to her. Maybe I'll even feel better if I do.

So I go to the cook tent. 'Cause she's gotta eat, right? I do too, and I gotta stop askin' Momma to get my food for me. Hate the way people still stare'n whisper sometimes, but I gotta do it.

I make sure I got coffee just the way she likes it, and I find Zann where she's sittin' way out on the edge of the tent. "Um." Clear my throat. "Hey?"

[Open to Zann]

Comments

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

It it it
It's gotten better. I think. Sitting down and looking down at the worn little table and the wood is... shivers and splinters waiting to happen, dry rot. Not listening to everyone moving around, the soft crunch of feet on ground, clank and scrape of plates and spoons.

"Hey," and I look up, and it's not so bad. Was always better with machines. Had more detail. It's not great, though.

"Genny," I say, and try for a smile. "Hey, honey. I heard you were doing better." That cup is going to crack. Not yet, I think not today, but soon. A seam will split down opening its side and it will sweat whatever's inside it and then in water and soap it will break apart along the hairline fault--

Oh, that cup. I feel a little slow, and I look up to her face then back to it. Gesture to the table. "Want a seat?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

She can't even look at me. She's just lookin' at the coffee, 'cept for that one bit when she looked up to see who was there. Oh heck, she ain't even lookin' at me!

"Genny. Hey, honey. I heard you were doing better."

"Um. Hey." I already said that. Bet she thinks I sound dumb. Bet she don't even want to talk to me. Why'd she be lookin' all sick'n sad like that if she was really happy to see me?

I gulp, and put the cup down in front of her anyway. "Thanks. Um. Here. That's for you. Yeah, I'm feelin' lots better. Than I was."

"Want a seat?"

"Thanks." I sit down 'cross from her. Kinda fidget 'round on the bench. Can't figure out if I should sit right 'cross from her or off to the side or…can't figure out nothin'. "Um. How you been?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Thanks. Um. Here. That's for you. Yeah, I'm feelin' lots better. Than I was," and she sounds ragged, all creaks and jerks. Tez being away, maybe, I don't know. Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I take the coffee, and she sits down. "Um. How you been?"

...

It takes a second. It's been--it's been so long since we talked and longer since we really talked, and we haven't even done that since at least before everyone forgot things for a while, and--god, I didn't even tell her about the heterodyne, forget about seeing Kent--

I feel like I should be laughing or crying and I guess that either one would come out wrong, and so I'm trying to swallow them both back. It's sort of a very ungraceful coughing noise.

"Oh Genny," but it takes me a second to get it out, "Genny, honey, I'm not laughing at you, I'm not laughing, I just--" Another sort of choking sound, and I think I'm going to get hiccups.

"Oh, honey, there's been so much," I say after a moment, and I rub my hand across my eyes. They're watering, a bit. "I'm okay. Everyone's okay, I guess. I sort of-- Did you know--" Uhm, maybe Tez's boyfriend is not the best way to describe this. Or girlfriend. Or-- "Did you know who Miss Wanda married?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

What? Is she laughin' at me? Does she think I'm dumb?

"Oh Genny. Genny, honey, I'm not laughing at you, I'm not laughing, I just--"

No. No, it ain't laughin'. I saw it 'fore she said it, even. It's sorta cryin', too. Oh, Zann, honey, what happened when I was gone? I wanna hold her hand or give her a tissue or somethin' but I can't. I just can't.

"Oh, honey, there's been so much," she says, all shaky. "I'm okay. Everyone's okay, I guess. I sort of-- Did you know--Did you know who Miss Wanda married?"

Heard she got married, while I was gone. Heard she had a baby, too, which I guess is why she got married so quick to someone who ain't the doc…

"Don't think I met him, no. Is she okay?" She just said that everyone was, but why'd she be cryin' if they was? "What's goin' on?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

Oh god.

"Uhm. Give me a second, hon?" I take a mouthful of the coffee, sweet and hot, swallow it down almost too fast to taste. "You've missed a lot." I run one hand back through my hair, trying to sort it all out. My breath's just a bit shaky, now, and I reach out across the table, 'cause... well. 'Cause you do.

"Miss Wanda married Danika, except he was--she showed up as a guy named Kent to her. To Miss Wanda. And when everyone forgot bits and pieces about who they were, Kent-- sort of--" Oh, dammit. It's getting all rickety and I stop again for a minute. Look down at the coffee, because all it's going to do is cool down, really, that's nice and manageable.

"He forgot to hate, I guess. I met him then, I mean I'd met him already but I met him again then, and there was this music. And I tried to get it right, after, and I tried to play it, and oh dammit honey I'm sorry," because I'm crying now, I mean it's not anything loud but I'm leaking at the eyes and my voice is getting all stuffy and murky.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Miss Wanda married Danika, except he was--she showed up as a guy named Kent to her. To Miss Wanda. And when everyone forgot bits and pieces about who they were, Kent-- sort of--"

Wanda married Danika. 'Cept she wasn't Danika.

Miss Wanda, all pretty and singin' and makin' the doc so happy is married to the thing in the Tower and what the heck is the baby, then?

I can't even think. It makes my head hurt and my stomach twist, tryin' to think 'bout what's happenin'. Miss Wanda. And the thing in the Tower.

And Zann's reachin' out her hand to me like she's tryin' to pull herself out of a pit, and she ain't lookin' at nothin'. Like her eyes hurt or somethin'…

This time I take her hand. Don't care 'bout the rest. I feel like I'm gonna drown if I don't hold onto somethin' too. And Zann's hurtin' and if holdin' my hand can stop it, even just a little bit, then it's okay.

Her hand feels just like it used to.

"He forgot to hate, I guess. I met him then, I mean I'd met him already but I met him again then, and there was this music. And I tried to get it right, after, and I tried to play it, and oh dammit honey I'm sorry"

She's cryin' too hard to talk now. Oh, Zann, what happened? What made you hurt so bad? "Ain't nothin' to be sorry 'bout," I tell her, real soft. "Not with - " Almost can't say it. Or don't want to say it, 'cause I don't want to think 'bout all that stuff with me'n Zann that happened. But it comes anyway. "Not with all the times I cried on you. Zann…he didn't hurt you, did he?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Ain't nothin' to be sorry 'bout," and she's talking quiet enough that I need to stop and breathe just to be sure I can hear her right, which helps. "Not with - Not with all the times I cried on you."

"Oh, Genny," I say, and I just feel so tired. And I wonder suddenly if she's just here because someone said something, because she thinks she owes-- But I squeeze her fingers, anyway, and it helps a bit. "I just wish... It doesn't stop."

"Zann…he didn't hurt you, did he?" and I hiccup. Which is probably a bit less creepy than laughing might be, at least.

"I tried to fix him," I say, and that's not even the start of it but it's all I can start with right now. "I tried to play him the music from before he forgot, just a bit. I tried to fix him so I see what needs fixing. All the breaks. The cracks, and the cracks waiting to happen." I pick up my coffee with my free hand and then realize my eyes are running and rub my forearm across them and then take another swallow from the cup. "It is really-- it is not a good thing, you know? It really, really isn't."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Genny. I just wish... It doesn't stop."

She grabs my hand, and droops down like she just can't sit up no more. "What don't stop?"

"I tried to fix him. I tried to play him the music from before he forgot, just a bit. I tried to fix him so I see what needs fixing. All the breaks. The cracks, and the cracks waiting to happen. It is really-- it is not a good thing, you know? It really, really isn't."

It's all jumbled up and full of tears and I don't understand half of it, 'cept that…she tried to fix him. Him. The thing in the Tower. Like he was one of her machines that she could fix, like he just had a crooked metal thing in him and if it was straightened out then he'd be good.

That's Zann. She'd make friends with the table, if she could. And with somethin' that ain't even a person, that you shouldn't even try, 'cause maybe she can fix it and make it good.

I love her so much.

"Oh, Zann, honey," I whisper, and swipe at my eyes. "Oh Zann, what happened? What music and what cracks? What happened?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"I tried," and I am whispering now, almost, it seems to help with the hiccups. "He learned to hate us, and when everyone forgot pieces of themselves, he forgot that. Forgot to hate. And that was when he showed--let me hear--music. The music, all of it, in everything, the procession of measured and beautiful motion." I've got one hand over my eyes again, rubbing away at them, and it helps a little, not seeing, there is no entropy in the coloured circles behind my eyelids.

"I thought that if he heard it again..." It was so beautiful, it was the grace of love, and he was so miserable, and... "I thought it would help. I tried to build a music box, and I couldn't get it all right, I don't think you can, but I got something. Miss Wanda helped. Music and crystals and gears and--" And getting into the different pieces and where they came from, that's a whole different story.

"I played it for him." And I do not have the words for how angry he was, and instead I take her hand in both of mine. "And he broke it. And now I see how everything's going to fall apart. How it's waiting to break."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I tried. He learned to hate us, and when everyone forgot pieces of themselves, he forgot that. Forgot to hate. And that was when he showed--let me hear--music. The music, all of it, in everything, the procession of measured and beautiful motion. I thought that if he heard it again...I thought it would help. I tried to build a music box, and I couldn't get it all right, I don't think you can, but I got something. Miss Wanda helped. Music and crystals and gears and--"

It don't make sense. It don't make sense like Zann don't make sense when she's talkin' 'bout gears and stuff, where all the words mean somethin' to her but it don't mean nothin' to me 'cept that Zann's smart. And that she wants to fix everythin', people and machines and all.

'Cept…maybe music can fix people? I 'member Zann talkin' bout all the machines she wanted to build, and how she could hear them singin' to her, 'bout the orrery that would look like the planets…

…don't think about the stars, don't think about the way the stars sounded in the place with the pyramids…

I hold tight to Zann's hand. I think I'm cryin' now too.

"I played it for him. And he broke it. And now I see how everything's going to fall apart. How it's waiting to break."

"He broke your music box? Oh honey…" Ain't nothin' that hurts Zann more than seein' one of her machines broke…

Don't hug her, I tell myself. Don't…oh heck, I can't not. Hurts more to see her lookin' like that than it does to think 'bout not huggin' her. I get up real fast and go 'round the table so I can put my arm 'round her.

"What do you mean? What do you mean, you see all the cracks?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"What do you mean?" and she's got her arm 'round me and I didn't--wasn't thinking about her moving--just kind of lean in to her. "What do you mean, you see all the cracks?"

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

"I see how everything's going to break apart," I say. "I don't know when, I don't--it's not always a big thing," cracks and splinters and rot, tears and breaks and the slow spreading kiss of rust and fatigue, "but I see it all the time. My Carousel. The rides. The homes. Bodies, even, a little--hurting, everyone going to rot. And I can't fix it, even if I can it'll just break anyway and there's so much falling apart, and I can't not see it now." I sigh and it's a sort of shuddery thing.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

She talks, and…I get it. It still don't make sense, but I get it. I get what she sees.

It hurts her so much when somethin's out of place or broken. She'll stay up all night fixin' her machines like Momma stayed up with me when I was a kid and got sick.

And now she can't see nothin' but broken things. Broken things everywhere…

And he did it. He-she-it-whatever it is, the thing in the Tower.

I want to hit him. I want to cry. I want to be sick. I want to hate the part of me that thinks but she can see so much! She can see into things

And I want to hug Zann. I pull her head onto my shoulder and smooth down her hair and try to stop snifflin' 'cause Zann don't need me cryin' on her…

"Oh honey," I whisper. "Oh, I'm sorry. It's the worst thing anyone could do to you. Oh honey, I'm sorry…"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Oh honey" and "Oh, I'm sorry," and she's getting close to crying again, even if she hasn't started. I just lean against her for a bit. Because there isn't anything to say, really, there really isn't.

"It's not fun at all," I say after a minute, and it sounds so flat. And stupidly stupidly obvious, too. "Makes work really hard. I keep trying," and I do, and Hux and Jay are covering for me a bit, but...

I sigh again, and I wish I could stop, but I'm just so tired. "I'm glad you're better, honey," I say. "I missed you."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"It's not fun at all. Makes work really hard. I keep trying,"

"No, it ain't fun. Sounds like it's pretty darn awful." That ain't enough neither, not for how big the hurt is. "Wish there was somethin' I could do…"

I could paint her better, says a little voice in me. I could paint her happy…

No. No! Don't know if I could do it. Don't know if it would work. Don't know if it would mess with Zann more'n she's been messed with already, and I'd never never ever want to do that! Not to Zann, not after all that happened with us.

And I don't know if I can paint like that. Ain't done it since Tez's been gone. Ain't hardly wanted to paint…

"I'm glad you're better, honey. I missed you."

"Missed you too, honey," I whisper. I riffle my fingers through her hair, feelin' how short it is. Lookin' at her, seein' how tired she is… "Do you…wanna go away from the lot for a little bit? Out to the river or somethin', where there ain't no machines?"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"Wish there was something I could do..." and I know she means it. It sounds like she's thinking about it, too, but I don't know what she could do.

"I know, honey." And I do, I guess. It helps in that sad sort of way that doesn't make a difference, not really, but it helps.

Her fingers in my hair tickle a bit, and it's nice. "Do you…wanna go away from the lot for a little bit? Out to the river or somethin', where there ain't no machines?"

"Yeah," I say after a minute. "Come on, let's-- let's head out." And I stand up, and take her hand.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

We sit for a long time like that, her head on my shoulder and my hand in her hair. We don't say nothin' 'cause there ain't nothin' to say. I can't fix her, and she can't fix herself.

Do I look broken, when she looks at me? Is there still somethin' wrong in my head where I forgot everythin'? Hope there ain't. Don't want her to think I'm broken...

"Yeah," I say after a minute. "Come on, let's-- let's head out."

She reaches out and…

I wanna hold her hand. And I don't. And I do. It ain't just friends holdin' hands no more, not with Zann. It's different now.

But I do it anyway. Her hand feels like it always done, all callused and strong. I get up and start to follow her out of the tent, and towards the edge of the lot. "'Member that spot by the bend in the river?" I ask. "There's flowers there now. We could go there…"

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's strange taking her hand after everything; I wish it was last year and I wish Tez had never never been in the Carnivale and I guess if Kent hadn't been in Excolo I could live with that too. But we're both here, I guess, so it could be worse.

"Yeah, I remember," I say, and I'm not smiling but it feels... sort of comfortable, and quiet. "That'd be good." The air over the river's cooler, and it cuts the heat a little, makes the air less muggy. I sit down on the grass, and I start combing the blades through my fingers.

"So," I say, looking over and trying to crack a smile, "enough about me... How've you been, honey? You, you look a lot better."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

We hold hands 'most all the way there, not sayin' nothin', just walkin'. Been so long since I been here with Zann. Heck, I ain't been here at all for a long time. I used to draw here all the time, but…I just ain't done it. Not since I been back, and not for a while 'fore that, neither.

Zann sits down and unfolds. She can't keep still - her hands gotta keep goin' at the grass and everythin'. But she don't look all tied up in knots like she did on the lot. It's a little better, at least.

I still want to hug her. Still know I shouldn't.

So I look at the river 'stead of Zann. The light's dancin' over the water like it's alive. Wish I could paint somethin' to look like that. Don't think I can…

"So, enough about me... How've you been, honey? You, you look a lot better."

I peek up and catch her lookin' at me with this little half-smile thing, and I give her one back. "I'm better'n I was. Head still hurts sometimes. And…stuff ain't easy. But I guess I'm gettin' better."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

"I'm better'n I was. Head still hurts sometimes," she says, and I nod. "And…stuff ain't easy. But I guess I'm gettin' better."

"That's good," and it's a sort of silly thing to say, even if I mean it, so I go quiet for a second. "Uhm. Are you painting much, since? I mean, I'm sorry, I feel like I don't know what's happened for ages. Are you okay with-- about Tez, I mean?" 'cause okay, I'm glad to see the last of him for a while, but I know she and him, it was--

I figure I should ask.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Tez. It was all nice! We was talkin' and comfy and all, and I could tell her how I felt and I was makin' her feel better and now it's all just...

"No." Everythin' starts to get wobbly, and I feel tears come up in my eyes. "No. I ain't okay." I know she didn't like him much, and heck, with all the stuff that happened with me'n Zann 'cause of Tez I bet she's happy he's gone, but all I feel is empty and blank and I can't not say it. "No. I ain't felt much like painting. I'm. Um. Gettin' by, I guess."

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

Oh, hell, Tereixa, you've put your foot in it now. "Honey," I say, "I'm sorry. I know he-- I'm sorry." I mean, I wold love to kick his ragged ass down the midway, but I'm sorry she's feeling like this and anyway even if I'd like to I probably wouldn't. "I guess you'll--" Dammit, and I reach out, try and put one hand on her shoulder. "Oh, Genny, hon, I hope you feel better soon."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Sorry," I say, same time's she's sayin' sorry too. "Sorry. Didn't mean to…" Oh heck I didn't want to make her feel bad! I never want to make her feel bad! I scrub at my eyes and try to stop cryin'…

"It's okay. I'm sorry. Thanks. Um." Don't hardly know what I'm sayin' no more. It all comes out all tangled up. "I hope you feel better soon too?" Still ain't enough.

Her hand's on my shoulder! I shouldn't think 'bout how it feels nice….

"Thanks," I say again. I scrunch closer to her, and give her a little hug too. "I'm gonna get by.

[tereixa-zann.livejournal.com]

I pass her a handkerchief when she starts scrubbing at her eyes, and sort of spend a couple of seconds wishing that Tez had, I don't know, not fucked her up so badly or been so bright. Still, that doesn't fix anything, I guess. But she kind of huddles in to me and says she's gonna get by, and I smile a little.

"That's good," I say. "It's been... really a weird time." I don't quite laugh, the way I don't quite cry these days, sometimes.

"You wanna just... sit for a bit?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

She gives me a hanky. Hope I don't mess it up too much. Guess that's what they're for, but I still don't want to mess up Zann's stuff. I sniffle in it and blow my nose and keep tryin' to stop cryin'. Still don't work, but it feels a little better with Zann there.

"That's good," I say. "It's been... really a weird time."

"Thanks. Yeah. I wasn't even there for most of it and I know it was weird." Guess that was a joke, even though she don't really laugh. Neither do I. Wish I could…

"You wanna just... sit for a bit?"

"Yeah. That...sounds nice." I smile a little at that, 'cause it does sound nice.