My debt to you, Belovèd, is one I cannot pay in any coin of any realm on any reckoning day.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

[Thursday morning]
[April 22th (day 326)]
[Verite’s apartment over the salon]

I’ve spent nearly every night for the past week at the ‘Boy, except for Friday, when it was so busy at the Whitechapel that it was all I could do to stagger in at half past three to curl up next to Ri until noon, and Monday, when I came in worse for most of a bottle of port. She’s been so sweet about all this, saying she understands about Miao and that I want to help, but I want to make sure she stays happy. And I’m starting to feel like I’m taking her hospitality for granted. Miao pays me, and I’m trying to do my duty by her, but Ri’s taken me in out of the goodness of her heart and asked nothing of me but what I wanted to do. Need to make sure she knows I’m grateful for it, and that I have the good sense to repay her.

Which is why I’m in her kitchen making pancakes at six in the morning, mostly awake because I had a shower at the ‘Boy before I came over here and I’m finishing my second cup of coffee. The shortage of sleep will hit me this afternoon, but I can maybe have a nap before work. I get the pancakes done and start on the eggs, thinking about how long it’s been since I made anyone breakfast, including myself. Tarquin was the early riser, and not a bad cook with simple things. Really, really don’t want to think about Tarquin now.

The eggs are done, so I start making up a plate and set it a tray with rhubarb jam and butter and milk and coffee. Still not hungry in the mornings, even though I can afford to be now. Hope she won’t mind that I don’t plan to eat with her. Hope to hell she likes pancakes and eggs over easy. I get the tray up, a little wobbly though none of it spills. Been too long since I waited tables. The stairs are tricky but nothing spills, and I manage to get the door open quietly.

She’s still asleep, curled up on her side with one arm hanging off the bed. My stomach turns over at the sight of her, green hair all over the pillow and one foot uncovered. Wish I’d been here last night. I set the tray down on the bedside table and sit on the bed beside her. I just look at her for a little bit, because she’s pretty in a way that’s all her own and she looks so sweet sleeping, and then I stroke her hair behind her ear and bend down to kiss her cheek. “You feel like waking up now, sweetheart?” Don’t quite whisper it, but make it just loud enough that it might wake her without annoying her.

[OPEN to Ri]
[CLOSED]

Comments

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

I wake up to soft touches and a voice I soon identify as Jarmyn's. ...up now, Sweetheart? I mumble something about time and I open one eye. He's sitting on the bed and I can smell coffee and food close by. I open my other eye and rub both to help me wake up as I smile up at him. See the tray and sit up, I don't care about the sheet so I let it fall down about my waist. "You didn't have to do this, " I start. "Never mind. Thank you."

I reach for the milk and add some to the coffee, only then seeing the single cup. "Already had your coffee?" I tease. I know he doesn't eat anything in the mornings, but we've shared coffee before.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She starts making small noises and opens her eyes slowly, and there’s no other word for it but cute. She sits up, looking sleepy still but not mad, and reaches for the coffee. Smart girl. Of course I didn’t have to do this. I could be an ungrateful bastard and let her keep me without doing anything for her in return. But no need to say anything but “you’re welcome” as I start undoing my bootlaces.

She asks me have I already had my coffee, and I turn my head to grin at her. “I’m up and talking, aren’t I? Not trying to throttle anyone.” I get my boots and socks off and slide over on the bed to sit beside her. “Did you sleep all right?”

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Says I'm welcome an' then starts undoin' his bootlaces. Gives me a grin at my teasing, ’m up and talking, aren’t I? Not trying to throttle anyone. I grin back and raise my cup to him. He takes boots and socks off and slides over closer to me, Did you sleep all right? He asks And I shrug. "Okay I guess." I say once I've had my first sip of coffee. It's the not the Miskatonic's but it's better than we got at the Carnival. Better than mine too. I don't have much skill with coffee. I look over at him. "You goin' to come back tonight?"

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

I shouldn’t have stayed away so many nights, I can tell from the way she shrugs and answers me. And then asking me about tonight. Yeah, this is going to take more than breakfast to make up. I lean up against the headboard next to her and put an arm around her shoulders so I can pull her against me in kind of a hug as I kiss her hair. “Eat your eggs before they get hard.” I reach over and get the plate for her and trade it with her for the coffee mug. Feel like drinking the rest of it, but I’m not going to. ”Do you want me to come back tonight?“ I ask her, not looking at her. Try to say it in a teasing way, so I can see if she minds or not by her answer.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

He leans over and puts his arm round my shoulders, I lean into him glad for his warmth. He kisses my hair and tells me, Eat your eggs before they get hard and he picks up the plate and offers it to me. I smile back and hand him my cup. I'm already cutting into the eggs as he asksDo you want me to come back tonight? The tone is a bit odd like he's trying to be casual about it but isn't. I sneak a glance his way but he's not looking at me.

"Yeah. I would like you to come back to me tonight. If it's- - Look if she really needs you to stay, then stay. But I would like..." I trail off and stuff a piece of egg in my mouth while I try to get it straight in my head so it'll make more sense when I try again. I feel guilty about wanting him to be here when from what he said Miao needs him as well and she's, well I'm not hurt like she is and was doing just fine before he came along. I don't need him; I just want him. "I miss you." Is what I finally say.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She digs in and then answers, falling all over her words a little. So…she wants me here tonight, plain enough. I can do that. Looks like the eggs are to her taste as well. That’s good. “She needs me working there,” I say, giving in and taking a sip of her coffee. “Staying over the night just makes me feel like I’m doing my job better, is all.” Maybe I can have a word with the other fellow. See if he wants to sleep there a couple nights a week.

She missed me? It’s on the tip of my tongue to say, “Haven’t left town,” but I don’t want her thinking I might pick up and go any time soon. And it has felt strange, barely seeing her, but it’s wearing out my welcome here that’s been on my mind.

“Sure, I’ll stay.” I hug her to me again, being careful not to upset the plate. “It’s been cold over there at night, for one thing.” And that’ll show her I did miss her and let her know I haven’t been fooling around, as well. “And there’s none of this, for another.” I give a lock of her hair a little tug. “Anything else you need done around here besides me coming in late and stealing all the blankets?” Not that waking up with her wrapped around me isn’t sweet. “I do owe you for letting me stay.”

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

She needs me working there, staying over the night just makes me feel like I’m doing my job better, is all Jarmyn tells me as he helps himself to my coffee. I smile at that and go back to eating my eggs. He hugs me again, carefully, saying, Sure, I’ll stay, It’s been cold over there at night, for one thing. Makes me feel all warm that just like that he agrees to stay and I try not to feel guilty about Miao. She's got her other people. She can spare Jarmyn a few times.

He tugs at my hair, joking about how there's none of that over there. He also asks, Anything else you need done around here besides me coming in late and stealing all the blankets? “I do owe you for letting me stay. I start to shake my head, cuz I can't think of anything. Really he's as bad as Will about things, so everything is running quite well. I frown as I catch that last thing he said.

"It's fine. I didn't do it to get you in my debt...." I give him a wicked grin, "Though you have some good ways to pay one off." I turn back to my pancakes.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

I take one last drink and pass the mug to my other hand and set it back on the tray. Can’t go stealing all of her coffee. She shakes her head at my offer, then frowns. Shit, what now? Oh, of course she didn’t do it to make me indebted to her. She’s doing it because she’s a nice person. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be doing my best to give as good as I get.

And then, oh God, there’s that grin. “Good to know I’m earning my keep.” Can’t resist kissing the top of her head again and grinning. Well, and squinting. She really needs some thicker curtains in here, because the sun comes right in through the ones she has. Godawful bright this morning. I free my arm and slide down the headboard until I’m lying next to her. “Sure thing, sweetheart.” Put my hands under my head and close my eyes. “Anything I can do for you with my eyes closed, you got it.”

Mark of how much I like this girl that she makes me feel like being silly after four hours sleep. I open one eye and watch her eating her pancakes. “There’s pork chops for lunch. You have a preference as to how they’re cooked?” They’re nice thick chops, too, and I’m thinking about what I could stuff them with. Could try to find some mushrooms, maybe.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

He passes the cup from one hand to the other before putting it back on the tray. He grins back when I tease him and teases back. Kisses me on the top of my head and then squints as if the sunlight is hurting his eyes; it is kinda bright in here. Then he loosens his arm and slides down til he's lying next to me. Sure thing, sweetheart. Anything I can do for you with my eyes closed, you got it. He says as he puts his hands behind his head and closes his eyes as if taking a nap or protecting them from the sun. I giggle at this and resist the urge to poke him. That would likely result in me losing the plate and the food on it and that would be a terrible waste. Instead I cut bigger pieces of pancake and fold them up so I can eat faster.

I glance over when Jarmyn starts talking again, one eye open and watching me, There’s pork chops for lunch. You have a preference as to how they’re cooked?

I shrug. "Anything you do with them will taste great so whatever you want to do is fine by me." And it is. I really don't know much about cooking but everything he's made so far has tasted good, so I expect this will too. "I like your cooking. Will you teach me how you do it some time?" I ask, suddenly wanting to make him something.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

Listening to her giggle and watching her eat makes me feel less tired. She has a knack for doing that, and I’m grateful for it. When I ask her about lunch, more to make conversation than anything else, she shrugs. Nice to know she trusts me with the food her money buys. It’s strange to be the one getting asked about cooking. It’s usually me hanging around the kitchen, asking the cooks what do they put in the sauce and how long they cook this or that, trying to learn things for myself and get fed at the same time.

“Yeah, I’ll show you.” I reach up and rub my eyes, then roll over on my stomach and turn my head to look at her. That eases my back a little and means I’m not looking into the sun anymore, as well. “But there’s no need for you to do it, not while I’m here. Have to do something to earn my keep.”

Based on the state her kitchen was in when I found it, she knows enough not to starve or char all her pans, but I’m thinking her talents lie other places besides the kitchen. But it’d be a good way to spend a morning, I guess, being here doing something she likes. Make sure I’m just very firmly in her good graces. I drop my head to the pillow and watch her putting away breakfast a minute before I close my eyes again. “Slow down, sweetheart. It won’t walk away, and there’s more in the kitchen.” Smile, because she’s wolfing down my cooking and asking me to show her how I do it.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I’ll show you. He says as he rubs his eyes an' rolls over. Turns his head to look at me, I can't help smiling down at him. But there’s no need for you to do it, not while I’m here. Have to do something to earn my keep.

"S'not about need, J-man. This is about me wanting to."

His head drops back to the pillow but I can feel his eyes on me. He tells me to slow down, that there's more in the kitchen. I look over an' he's smiling with his eyes closed. Makes me want to kiss him right now. Put the fork n' knife down for a sec an'lean over to brush a kiss by his eye.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

It's not about need? This is all about need: mine and her meeting it and me doing my best to pay her back. But she wants to cook, so we're going to cook, I guess. Won't be too much trouble. That nickname, though.... "You want to call me something else, by any chance, sweetheart? Something that's not anything but my name?" Probably not, but it's worth a try.
Still smiling, though, and it catches me off guard, feeling her kiss me. I open my eyes and reach up to touch her cheek with two fingers. "If you want to fool around, you better put the plate away. I don't have time to wash the sheets before I go to work." Not really in the mood to do more that kiss her, but not going to say that.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

You want to call me something else, by any chance, sweetheart? Something that's not anything but my name? He asks with a little irritation in his voice, so I give him a more serious reply than I might have otherwise. "That really bother you when I call you that?"

His eyes open when I kiss him,dark like chocolate, and he reaches up to touch my cheek. If you want to fool around, you better put the plate away. I don't have time to wash the sheets before I go to work. I sit back up slowly holding the plate and cutlery so nothing spills, turning my head a little to kiss his hand as I do so. "Wouldn't make you do that. Specially not 'f it's my fault they got dirty." I tell him. And I wouldn't. He might be working later today but I'm not. I can wash them just fine. Not that I want to do laundry. But I guess what he's really telling me is he just wants to lay here and not move for a bit. I can do that, let him rest. He can't have got much sleep what with everything.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

Was trying not to sound too pissed about the nickname, but I guess it didn't work. I sigh little and open my mouth to tell her it doesn't bother me really, but dammit, it does. A little. "Its just that-- look, I know it's a godawful silly name. But anything you make it into just seems...sillier." If I were standing up, I'd run a hand through my hair.

She kisses my hand and tells me she wouldn't make me do the wash, and of course it wouldn't be making me, just like I'm not making her take me in. "So you're going to do the cooking and the laundry both, huh sweetheart? What is it you're keeping me around for, again?" And I try to say it like a joke, because I know she's just being nice.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

He sighs at my question and opens his mouth and then pauses before sayin' Its just that-- look, I know it's a godawful silly name. But anything you make it into just seems...sillier. His hand twitches as if he'd like to run it through his hair. I consider what he's said. "Nicknames are often silly," I finally tell him. "But they often mean the person giving it cares to be silly with you. Not like with family where it might be you get one because some little kid can't say your name right." I make a face as I think of being stuck with what Cy calls me. Very. Oh god no. But since I chose a nickname for myself, he deserves one too. "What would you like me to call you instead? Otherwise I'll just keep trying different ones on you." I warn half seriously.

So you're going to do the cooking and the laundry both, is it, sweetheart? What is it you're keeping me around for, again? I giggle at his return to teasing. "I thought you already knew that!"

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

So she cares to be silly with me. All right, I knew that. Just wish she'd do it in other ways. "We were never much for nicknames, my family. Too many J's, with twelve of us kids. And most of them got sensible names." For all my mother had to dig through the Bible for some of them.

Thought I asked her to call me by my name, but maybe she wants me to pick something else. Good God. Close my eyes and try to think. "Been called Jamie before and didn't hate it," I finally offer. Maybe she'll just leave it lie.

Can't stay stuck thinking about things I've been called and didn't like, not with her giggling at me. So that's what it is. Still not sure I'm up for any this morning, but I can joke about it, at least. "You want to remind me?"

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

He talks about how they never had nicknames in his family and I'm not sure if that is really better or not. Much fun can be had with nicknames as a kid. Or even as a adult. I remember what Faith always called Tez. Jarmyn closes his eyes again an'then says, Been called Jamie before and didn't hate it, Hmm, isn't there a Jamie in town somewhere already? I don't think I've met him but I'm sure I've heard of one. Jamie Kincaid! That's it! The family with the bees, the honey and wax and related stuff.

I just shrug and smile. "Maybe not that one, there's already a Jamie in town. Maybe I'll think of something good an' not name related, in the meantime I won't mess with your name anymore."

We go back to teasing and he says, You want to remind me? I smirk at him and then deliberately an' slowly set the plate back on the tray. "Ok." And lean back down to kiss him gently on the mouth.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

Seem to remember a friend of Arkady’s named Jamie, nice-looking fellow who smelled of honey, but I never had much to do with him except that day in the riot. I think that’s the matter of nicknames put away, thank God, and without her even asking after my family. Maybe she’ll forget to think of something else. Still… “Thanks, sweetheart.” And can’t help but sound relieved.

I pretty much know what’s coming when she smirks and sets the plate aside carefully. I reach an arm up and pull her against me when she leans down. The kiss is gentle, and she tastes like jam and coffee. I have missed this, the warm and softness of her, all but bare under the shirt she sleeps in. The way she doesn’t make me do anything I’m not already wanting to. “Oh, God,” I whisper, when I can draw breath, and it’s anything but a blasphemy. “Come here.” I roll a little until I’m mostly facing her, drawing her in as I do. Close feels good right about now. A lot of things may have gone to hell for me in this town, but this hasn’t.

It’s just a hug, a tame thing to trade for all she’s doing for me. It’s mostly because I want it, too, I guess, and it feels good on this morning when I can barely keep my eyes open. “Thank you,” I tell her again. “For this and everything. Don’t know many girls who’d do this for someone they didn’t have a…claim on. You won’t regret it, I promise.” Hope that was the right way to say all that. Just feeling really grateful right about now, is all.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

He thanks me for my promise not to mess with his name anymore with relief in his voice. I guess it really did bother him when I called him that silly nickname.

He reaches up his arm to pull me in as I lean down to him and our kiss is gentle and sweet. Come here He says and rolls over a bit. It brings us closer and I can feel his warmth through the thin material of the shirt that's just about all I'm wearing. It feels really good to be held like this in his arms an' I snuggle in close. I'm a bit disappointed when he starts talking again. Starts off by thanking me. That's starting to get a little old. Don’t know many girls who’d do this for someone they didn’t have a…claim on. You won’t regret it, I promise.

I brush a kiss over his lips, "Shush." I meet his eyes with my own, carding my fingers into his hair. "You don't need to say thank you just about every day, or keep promising I won't regret this. Your actions are enough to show me this. An' I don't care 'bout what other girls might or might not do without a claim to you. I'm doing this because I like you. Really like you."

Think maybe it's a bit more than mere liking by now. But I can't say that word to him.Not right now. I think I kinda want him to say it to me first.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She nestles into me, and I do my best to fit my legs around hers. Wish I’d undressed some before I got in bed with her. Didn’t know I’d be feeling like this, though. She hushes me with another kiss and starts stroking my hair. Just so nice. More than worth getting up early. Worth anything she wants of me between now and work. And telling her I don’t need to thank her or promise? That what I’m doing’s enough, and that she likes me? I close my eyes again, tight. Oh, this girl.

I roll a little more away from her, taking her with me so more of her weight’s on top of me. She’s not heavy, but it feels good that way. I swallow a couple times, hard. Have to say something. “I’ve done this before,” is what comes out huskily, “the asking room and board of someone for…services rendered. And it was good sometimes.” Sometimes it was really good. “But with you it’s comfortable. You don’t hang on me or prod me or try to make a slave of me. And you’re telling me you like me. Not…not anything more than that.” And I have to swallow again after I’ve finished, and blink a couple times before I can look her in the eye.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

His legs wrap around mine an' he rolls over a bit more so I end up on top of him I'm glad his eyes are closed as otherwise things would be getting a little too intense about now. I like being on top of him though. I think maybe I should tease him for wearing too much but he opens his mouth and starts talking again. I'm probably going to have to kiss him to get him to shut up.

I’ve done this before, the asking room and board of someone for…services rendered. And it was good sometimes. But with you it’s comfortable. You don’t hang on me or prod me or try to make a slave of me. And you’re telling me you like me. Not…not anything more than that. His voice has gone deeper and he's blinking his eyes and swallowing. The air suddenly feels thick and my heart is beating fast. I really really like him. Is he going to say what I think he- what I hope he's going to say?

He looks up and says nothing. I look down and the silence stretches between us getting bigger and deeper. I realize he isn't going to say what I thought he was And am horribly and painfully disappointed. I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath. I don't want to cry Then the last thing he said starts repeating in my head. “But with you it’s comfortable. You don’t hang on me or prod me or try to make a slave of me. And you’re telling me you like me. Not…not anything more than that. I open my eyes and look down at him a little desperate.

"No you idiot, that wasn't what I was saying. I care about you more than just a bit!" Still can't say it outright. Especially now that i'm sure he doesn't feel the same way about me. And then the rest of what he said hits me. ...room and board of someone for…services rendered

I freeze for a moment and then ask very carefully. "What did you mean, services rendered?"

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

When I finish talking, she just looks at me with her eyes sad and wide and wanting something, And then she’s calling me an idiot and—oh no. Oh, no.

Don’t answer her back then, because I’m still working through what I think she means. And then she asks very quietly and clipped what I mean. She’s gone so still on top of me. Somehow I have fucked up, or she thinks I have. God in heaven, not this ruined too. Please, no. I lick my lips, thinking really hard about what to say, because it has to be absolutely right. Just like the first time I met her. And there it is. “I mean that I didn’t come to you asking you to take me in out of the goodness of your heart because we’re friends. I’m trying to earn my keep here, sweetheart. I know you don’t need a freeloader.”

There, that’s all true, and it’s an explanation, but it’s not very tender, though I try to say it nicely. I think she’s maybe looking for something more. Reach up and touch her cheek with two fingers, hoping she isn’t about to kick me or something. “It’s why I keep saying thank you, and you keep telling me not to. This is so good, and I wouldn’t be in anyone else’s bed now for the world, God’s honest truth.” And it really is. Maybe that’ll be enough for her. It’s what I can say.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

He licks his lips like he's nervous but doesn't answer me right away, I mean that I didn’t come to you asking you to take me in out of the goodness of your heart because we’re friends. I’m trying to earn my keep here, sweetheart. I know you don’t need a freeloader. This isn't what I want to hear and I think it shows because then he reaches up to touch his fingers to my cheek, I move my face away from his hand and sit up. I can still feel his body though so I roll off him and retreat to the edge of the bed, Wrap my arms round my knees. He keeps talking though I almost tell him to shut up, It’s why I keep saying thank you, and you keep telling me not to. This is so good, and I wouldn’t be in anyone else’s bed now for the world, God’s honest truth.

Can feel tears in my eyes and I don't want to break down crying in front of him. I want to be angry and yell. And I want him to yell back so I can stay angry. I blink the tears away and give him my coldest look. "Is it now? And maybe it's also the truth that you plan on taking as much advantage of me as I'm willing to let you. Some friend that would make you!" My voice comes out low and hard and I squeeze my hands into my legs to keep them from shaking. I don't think I believe what I'm saying, it's just something to throw at him to see if he'll try to deny it. I'm angry that what we had was so good like he said and I seem to have fucked it up by wanting too much from him.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She jerks away when I touch her, sitting up and then rolling off me to scramble all the way to the edge of the bed, where she draws her knees up. Is she scared I’m going to hurt her, after all this time? Breaks my heart, seeing her like that. I sit up myself, back against the headboard with my arms crossed, as far away from her as I can get with both of us still on the bed.

She looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t know what to do about it. Somehow this is my fault. She’s angry and hurt and she wants to hurt me. Can’t think of much I wouldn’t let her do, if it’d help. “I’d have stayed as long as you wanted me, if that’s what you mean, doing what I could for you. Do you want something more?” I’m pleading with her now. Maybe she wants to argue, but I can’t. Too scared to, really. Scared that she hates me for something, and also that she’ll have me out on my ear. I could sleep at the ‘Boy now, I guess, but as much as I think Miao needs me I want to stay here, with this girl, cooking and laughing and lying in bed together doing whatever she pleases. “Tell me what I can do, and I’ll try my best, but I won’t lie to you. I won’t ever, ever lie to you, Verite.” Surely she must know what her name means.

I pull my own knees up, feeling like punching a wall. “If you want to hit me, you can.” Maybe it’d make her feel better. It certainly would me.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Glad he doesn't try to touch me or comfort me, he just sits up against the head board and crosses his arms. He looks a bit upset and that gives me a tiny bit of satisfaction but it's not enough. I’d have stayed as long as you wanted me, if that’s what you mean, doing what I could for you. Do you want something more? He's not fighting back. He sounds hurt and maybe sad but not angry. I was hoping he'd say something angry or hurtful back at me so I could stay mad. And I'm trying to come up with something else to say when he adds, Tell me what I can do, and I’ll try my best, but I won’t lie to you. I won’t ever, ever lie to you, Verite

I manage a quick unhappy little snort at that. "Oh like the truth has been so helpful this morning!" I uncurl a bit and look away before muttering, "What I want, I don't think you c'n give me."

He pulls his legs in, looking more upset but I can't tell if he's angry, I can't bear to look directly at his face so I'm only seeing this from the corner of my eye. If you want to hit me, you can. He offers and that pisses me off so I guess I got what I wanted. I narrow my eyes at him and my lip curls. "Is that supposed to make everything better? D'you wanna get hit?"

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

I want more than anything to put my arms around her and hug her tight, but I know she wouldn’t thank me for that. So I just stay where I am and listen to her. Of course the truth hasn’t been helpful. It isn’t helpful very often, but I owed it to her. It hurts when she says I can’t give her what she wants, because I’m terribly afraid she’s right. I want to be able to, though, and there’s no way to prove to her how much.

She’s not meeting my eyes, not even looking at me straight, but I can tell from the way her lip curls that it was the wrong thing to offer to let her hit me. Still, she asked. “If it would make you feel better, I want you to.” I don’t for a minute think she’ll do it just for me, but maybe it would help her get some of the anger out. And it would help me, that’s true. Do I want it? I guess, but I don’t think she’ll do it in a nice way. “Not a lot I wouldn’t do to make you feel better, sweetheart.” God, I sound broken already, but can’t stand seeing her like this and knowing I caused it.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Doesn't give me a good answer to my question about his stupid offer to let me hit him, just more crap. If it would make you feel better, I want you to Turn my head back so I c'n glare properly at him. "That wasn't the question, you ass!" I snap at him. "I asked if YOU were wantin' me to hit you. If I wanted to hit you, I'd've already done it." Not that he doesn't maybe deserve to get hit for pulling this shit. Except for the guilty little thought about how we're only having this almost argument because I screwed up again, like with Johnny but worse.

And he's still going on, Not a lot I wouldn’t do to make you feel better, sweetheart. Sounds like he wants to skip the fight and head straight to the apoligizin' and makekin' up. I get up off the bed as I have too much energy to just sit there. For something to do with my hands I start sorting through clothes trying to decide what I might wear today. "An' if I told you that it would make me feel better if you got outta my sight?" 'F he wants to get hit so bad, I'm sure he c'n find someone to to do that for him. And if he's not here I could let myself cry. Or maybe I just want to yell and throw a few things without feeling like a kid throwing a tantrum.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

I've never seen her anywhere near this mad, and it scares me. I'm worried for her, for one thing, and for my place here, as well. Also scared for us, if you get right down to it, because we had something good started here, I think.

She gets off the bed hunting clothes, and I keep my mouth shut, thinking really fast. No good ideas come to mind. And then there it is. She does want me out. My stomach twists, making me wish I'd eaten something. I move to the side of the bed and start putting my boots back on.

"If you want me gone, I'll go," I tell her quietly, still bent over my laces and not looking at her. "Can I come back tomorrow, or is this for good?" Maybe I shouldn't ask, but I do really want to come back. To have a chance to make things right once she's cooled down. More than I’ve wanted anything in a long time.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Jarmyn starts putting his boots on so I guess he's probably going to leave. And the thought hurts cuz it's my fault. But I can't- I don't think I can stand to keep going. I need to be alone for awhile. His words show me I was right; he is thinkin' a going. If you want me gone, I'll go, He says real quiet.

Now he's the one won't look. I find myself blinking when he asksCan I come back tomorrow, or is this for good? I feel...I don't know what I feel actually. I want him gone right now but I don't want him gone for good. I want...I dunno. Maybe I want to explain. Or something. Instead of sayin' it, I just wave a hand in his direction and put the pile of clothes on the bed. "Yeah. Course you can come back. I just need some space is all."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She’s saying I can come back, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find the door locked. Still, I’ve got my knives and my cash and a change of clothes at the ‘Boy. If this is the end of me and her, I can manage. Makes me feel sick to think about it, but I could. I don’t want to, and I hope she won’t make me. I finish with my boots and stand up, trying to come up with something to say. She’s just standing there fidgeting.

“Look, Verite.” That’s not much of a start. I run a hand through my hair while I think about what the hell I can say that won’t make things worse. “I got into this town with my pockets empty, praying like hell for a good year. And—and you made it a good year. So far.” I close my eyes a minute. Not going to beg. Can’t make an idiot out of myself now.

The breakfast tray on the nightstand catches my eye, so I move to pick it up and start gathering the dishes. Might as well take care of them on my way out.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

I'm running out of useful things to do while iwait for him to leave so I just do fidgety stuff like laying out the shirt just so and then adding the bra on top of it and then moving it. I look up when he says my name, I wait but he doesn't say anything for a long moment just runs his hand into his hair. Then he picks back up,I got into this town with my pockets empty, praying like hell for a good year. And—and you made it a good year. So far. I open my mouth but I have no idea what to say to that. Not sure I should be offended or not. He closes his eyes then opens them. Know what he's going for right after he moves. Oh no! He shouldn't have to do that! I take a couple step over and say, "You c'n leave that. I'll deal with it." I grab the coffee and finish it. I didn't mean to sound so sharp, but I just want him to go. Now.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She doesn’t say anything back when I finish talking, but her face doesn’t soften any. Didn’t help, then, I guess. Maybe made things worse, because when I reach for the dishes she snaps at me to leave them. I think for a minute about arguing with her, but I just don’t think I can stand to any more. My heart hurts, and I need to get out, go for a walk, have some more coffee, anything. She won’t even look at me still.

But she said I could come back, and I’m holding on to that. Find my hand’s in my hair again. I feel like begging, like offering her the world if she’ll only tell me what the hell is wrong, what I can do to make it right, but I’m thinking she doesn’t want to hear anything else from me. So I just take my hand down and nod once to her. Feels wrong to go out without kissing her goodbye, but she wouldn’t let me do anything of the kind, so I just go out and down the stairs. The sun’s too bright outside, but I don’t feel like being inside, so I duck my head and just head down the street. Might go out of town and see Arkady. Might just keep walking.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

We stand there for an endless moment and then he moves. Good, he's going.

Finally!

Once he's gone and I can't hear his footsteps anymore, I sag onto the bed, my hands covering my face as I let the tears slip through my fingers.