You shadows that in darkness dwell.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Sunday, mid-morning

I still feel tired and shaken by everything that happened on Thursday night. We helped to bring back a man's soul... But we watched a god die. And who knows where the demon that lived in the doctor has gone now. I hope back to hell, but I fear it was just unleashed on the world. I don't know. I hate thinking that thing we glimpsed in the cellar could be out and free... But I'm also very glad it can no longer pretend to be Dr Constantine.

I opened the store late on Friday and closed early. In between I heard about what happened on the Marks ranch. Eris dead, too, just hours before Lugh. That makes me think Lugh knew what was going to happen to him, and I don't know how to feel about that. Truthfully there are a lot of things I don't know how to process yet. Saturday I left Amanda to run the store, and I spent a lot of time in quiet prayer on my own. I thought a lot about the way Wanda screamed as she saw what happened to Lugh... And the way Lugh gave his life to help the doctor. It hurts my heart in different ways, to think of those things. I went out briefly, to leave a message for Glass at the tavern. I gave the barman a piece of paper that said You don't need to worry about Dr Constantine any more. I wondered if I should write more, but I left it at that in the end. She should know, but I can't write it down on a scrap of paper.

Today I feel more like myself, though still not in the mood to be with crowds of people. So I first go to the abbey and lay flowers on the altar in the light just after dawn, saying what I can to Nanshe for giving me strenght, and then I walk across town to church and say my thanks in front of the cross, and I check that Laurence is doing alright, and then I slip away before the congregation arrives. I go home and I bake a loaf out of the dough I had left to rise in a basin, and as it cools I change out of my Sunday best into slacks and a shirt, running my fingers through my hair to let the curls run loose. I put on a coat and take the bread, and carry it with me to see Tess, because however else I feel, I woke up this morning with a feeling like a pain beneath my ribs, and I realised it was because I missed her.

[Open to Tess]
[closed]

Comments

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Tess hugs me and I feel my smile come up at that, and then she says she missed me and I blush, I know it, but I'm not embarrassed, exactly.

"I missed you too," I say, and I go inside with her. "I baked bread," I say. "It's not as good as Edmund's, but... There's something good about baking bread. It feels, I don't know, wholesome." I laugh a little self consciously. "How are you? I'm sorry I haven't seen you these past few days. Things have been - odd."

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

"I missed you too," she says, and she follows me in. "I baked bread. It's not as good as Edmund's, but... There's something good about baking bread. It feels, I don't know, wholesome." She laughs again, but there's still that note like she ain't comfortable 'r somethin'. I thought we dint get like that 'round each other anymore, so I look at her as she asks me how I bin.

"I bin - well, I bin better," I admit, puttin' the kettle on. "Somethin' in Excolo ain't bin right since Thursday night, at least. It's made me tetchy. And you, Kate?" She dunt look like she's bin well, and I wonder if she was involved in whatever was happenin'.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Thursday," I echo, as Tess puts the kettle on the stove. "I'm fine," I say automatically, then shake my head. "Well, not exactly. I will be, though. I'm just tired. I exorcised a demon. Well, I helped. It was inside Dr Constantine, and now it's not." I pause. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. We couldn't risk anyone knowing, because we didn't know how easy it would be for the demon to find out." I swallow. "It was me, Laurence and Lugh that did it. Laurence and Lugh did most of the work, and - Lugh's dead," I say softly, thinking how easily it could have been Laurence that died, and how that would have made me feel.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

"Thursday. I'm fine," she says, but even as I'm raisin' an eyebrow she shakes her head. "Well, not exactly. I will be, though. I'm just tired. I exorcised a demon." I turn then, near droppin' the teapot. Oh, Kate. "You were there?" "Well, I helped. It was inside Dr Constantine, and now it's not. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. We couldn't risk anyone knowing, because we didn't know how easy it would be for the demon to find out."

I know she said that 'afore, but I'm still hurt that she dint. We would 'a helped her, me 'n Mrs. Beddau 'n Hermia, if we'd known. "It was me, Laurence and Lugh that did it. Laurence and Lugh did most of the work, and - Lugh's dead."

Lugh. "Ain't he a god?" Another one down then, and between that and the exorcism I know what's bin twistin' me up since that night. I go over t'her. She looks sad 'n worried, and I think it's got t'be 'cause 'a Laurence. I know they had somethin' - heck, I met 'em together the first time, and she never said what happened. "Did - are you okay? And what happened t'the demon?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"He is a god. Was a god, I suppose. I don't know what happens when they're dead, what they become," I say thoughtfully. "It was... It was a strange thing to see. But I - I think he died so no one else there would, and... I didn't even like him particularly," I say in a rush. "I didn't trust him, and I don't know why he did this for Lucien. But he did, and he's dead so I can't thank him." I sigh. "The demon - I don't know. I hope it went back to hell, but..." I lift my hands in a helpless sort of gesture. "I don't have a gift for knowing these things, and by then the only person who would know was - dead." I bite my lip. "I wish I could be certain it was gone and far away," I say, "but I can't. But I do know it's out of Dr Constantine, and that's a good thing. We don't need to fear that the demon could hurt someone while pretending to be the doctor," I say, with a shiver at the thought of all the vulnerable people the doctor sees.

Tess makes the tea and I cradle the cup in my hands. The smell is sweet and I breathe it in. It's like the sound of rain on a quiet day, or the steady kneading of bread. Something grounding.

"I'm alright," I say. "I didn't have to do very much. I was... extra support, I suppose." I smile a little as I add: "they did a fine job of it, I think. It felt - I think we did something good."

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

She talks on how Lugh was, how she dint know what he planned 'r want 'r anythin'. It sounds like his dyin' confused her more 'n anythin'. I nod as I set the tea t'steep. "I must be odd, someone dyin' fer someone you hardly know, and not knowin' the why's 'v it all." And she shivers as she thinks on the Doctor's demon usin' him. I touch her arm as I bring the teapot over. "But it's gone, and so if nothin' else you can hurt it without worryin' 'bout the Doctor."

I pour the tea and she takes her cup in hand, breathin' it in deep. "I'm alright," she says after a moment. "I didn't have to do very much. I was... extra support, I suppose. They did a fine job of it, I think. It felt - I think we did something good."

I nod, gettin' out a knife and some jam, honey, 'n butter fer the bread. I ain't quite so sure as her, 'cause that feelin' ain't quite gone, but it's got t'be better than it was 'afore that. "I'm glad you weren't right in it," I say, sittin' down. "And so how's the Doctor, then?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"But it's gone, and so if nothin' else you can hurt it without worryin' 'bout the Doctor."

I nod thoughtfully.

"That's a good point. Maybe we can bind it, now it's free... You'd know more about how to do that than I would," I say with a little smile.

"I'm glad you weren't right in it," I say, sittin' down. "And so how's the Doctor, then?"

"The doctor looked pretty bad after it happened," I say, "but he wasn't hurt by then. At least not physically. But when it was happening..." I shake my head. "He screamed with pain. It was horrible to see." I look at her. "I know you're glad I was safe, and that's the same reason I didn't tell you what I was doing. If something happened to you - " I stop because my throat feels tight. "I couldn't bear that." I think of how I got home afterwards, and how I lay awake for a long time with my heart racing, and what if I'd died without being able to tell Tess - I sip my tea.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

She nods. "That's a good point. Maybe we can bind it, now it's free... You'd know more about how to do that than I would," she says, smilin'. I nod it return, sippin' my tea. It's a bit hot 'n I put it back down. "I got some ideas 'round that, but I'll need t'talk some with Syl first." I remember Kate sayin' Mrs. Beddau might know somethin' 'a that, but I ain't 'bout t'go talk t'her anytime soon.

She tells me some more 'a how it was, and then she looks at me. "If something happened to you - " and her voice goes fer a sec as she speaks - "I couldn't bear that." She stops then, and sips her tea lookin' scared 'n sad.

I move over 'aside her, kneelin' down and puttin' my arms 'round her. "I wouldn't like it none the other way either, Kate." It's part 'a why I dunt like that she dint tell me, wouldn't let me help. "I - it means a lot t'me, knowin' you care fer me like that."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Tess puts her arms round me, and at once it makes things feel easier, like something in my chest has unlocked. I can't help leaning into her.

"I - it means a lot t'me, knowin' you care fer me like that."

"I do," I say, and I pause, because I'm so careful in my feelings, but I think of the way Lugh just fell down dead, a god, and how fragile life is, and how I lay in my bed afterwards and felt sick thinking I could have died without saying goodbye to Tess. "I think - I know you only told me you, you like me three weeks ago, and I don't - you don't have to feel you need to say anything else, but..." My words are getting tangled up and my cheeks feel hot. "At the party I said I thought I could fall in love with you, but I think it started happening a long time ago, back when you were sick and fell asleep in my chair, only I didn't realise it then." My heart is hammering but I carry on. "You don't - I don't want to spoil anything and we don't have to talk about it, but I just wanted to... say."

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

Kate leans into me, her shoulder pressin' 'gainst my face. "I do," she says soft. "I think - I know you only told me you, you like me three weeks ago, and I don't - you don't have to feel you need to say anything else, but..." I look up and her face is red, but she looks intent as she gets the words out. "At the party I said I thought I could fall in love with you, but I think it started happening a long time ago, back when you were sick and fell asleep in my chair, only I didn't realise it then. You don't - I don't want to spoil anything and we don't have to talk about it, but I just wanted to... say."

I can hear her heart beatin' fast in her chest, and I take a moment t'try 'n sort my thoughts out. I - I love Kate, yeah, I know that. But I get the feelin' she's not so open t'things, like what happened with Syl. I'm so used t'takin' things as they come, I dunt know if I want somethin' like she might.

But I ain't ever met someone like her, so refined and strong, but easy with hard work. "T'say what, Kate?" I look up at her and she's near t'tremblin', but she's holdin' herself steady. "I - I do think I love you, Kate. I ain't sure what it means yet, but I do."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"T'say what, Kate?" says Tess, and I think, oh, don't make me say that all again! And then she looks up at me and adds:
"I - I do think I love you, Kate. I ain't sure what it means yet, but I do."

I really do think my heart skips a beat. It's a painful sort of lurch.

"Oh," I say, and I realise I'm smiling. "I'm glad," I say, and I lean down to kiss her.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

Her lips part and she looks almost shocked fer a sec, but then she smiles. "Oh," she says absently, then "I'm glad," more warmly, and then she's bendin' down t'kiss me.

I try t'keep it tender, but with everythin' it end up bein' more like drownin', me holdin' her tight as I think 'a my worry over her and my disquiet over that talk with Mrs. Beddau, and my wonderin' 'bout Johnny and Kate bein' okay and just everythin', and I kiss her back almost desperately. When she pulls back I take a deep breath, tryin' t'pull myself back some, and I stand back up. "Me too," I say quiet, and even if it dunt make much sense I hope she catches some 'a my meanin'.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Tess kisses me til I'm breathless, and it makes me feel warm but also worried for her, the way she's holding onto me like she might fall down otherwise.

"Me too," she says, voice soft, and I lean in and touch her cheek.

"Lie down with me?" I say, thumb running across her cheek. "You look tired. Tell me what's on your mind." The bed - Glass's bed, but I try not to think of that - is narrower than mine, but we can both lie on top of the blankets, and I put my arm around her. "Talk to me, and maybe I can help."

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

She reaches out 'n touches my face, runnin' her thumb 'cross my cheek. "Lie down with me?" I grin, but the quiet 'a the moment makes it short. "You look tired. Tell me what's on your mind." She sounds concerned fer me as she pulls me over, and we lay next to each other, her arm 'round me. It's strange, since I've bin takin' the lead fer some things, but it's nice, like Kate's sharin' her strength 'n protectin' me from my troubles. "Talk to me, and maybe I can help."

I snuggle into her, thinkin' on it. "There's a few things that've bin weighin' on me, is all. I'm worried fer Johnny, and then there's what happened just past. And I had a talk with Mrs. Beddau that went all wrong, and I'm so happy you're alright, but feelin' kind 'a worried fer you 'cause 'a what might 'v happened... I'm alright, truly. Just - just a bit wound up, I suppose."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Tess shifts against me, and I like feeling the weight of her against my side.

"There's a few things that've bin weighin' on me, is all. I'm worried fer Johnny, and then there's what happened just past. And I had a talk with Mrs. Beddau that went all wrong, and I'm so happy you're alright, but feelin' kind 'a worried fer you 'cause 'a what might 'v happened... I'm alright, truly. Just - just a bit wound up, I suppose."

"What's wrong with Johnny? Still running with a bad crowd?" I ask, smoothing her hair back from her face. "And you spoke to Glass?" I keep my voice as light as I can. I don't want my worry about Glass affecting Tess when she's already tired and anxious. "She - she can be quite sharp," I say. "I'm sorry it didn't go well." I keep stroking her hair. It's so long and thick; I don't think I'd ever manage to grow my hair past my shoulders. It's like princess hair, I think, and smile a little. "Maybe if we talk it out you'll feel better," I suggest, and then because it's hard not to when we're so close I dip my head forward and kiss her. "And maybe that's a distraction too," I say, smiling, and I think she loves me and feel my heart stutter through its next beat.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

"What's wrong with Johnny? Still running with a bad crowd?" She brushes my hair back behind my ears idly as she asks. "No," I say. "Well, sort 'a." I wonder if Mrs. Beddau really will keep quiet - but it's best I'm the one t'tell Kate. "He's bin spendin' some 'a his time with the hound god. And some folks, them as knows what he is, are startin' t'notice. I talked with Johnny, but he says it ain't easy t'just avoid a god when he's got an interest in you."

Kate keeps runnin' her hands through my hair, tanglin' her fingers in it. "She - she can be quite sharp," Kate admits. "I'm sorry it didn't go well. Maybe if we talk it out you'll feel better." I nod. "I just dunt think we're ever really goin' t'get 'long. You should go talk t'her, though. I doubt she's like t'come see you soon, and I know you're friends." I twist up t'look at Kate, who bends her head down 'n kisses me. And maybe that's a distraction too," she says smilin'.

"That it is," I answer, kissin' her in return.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Johnny's been spending time with G - the Shuck?" I say in low horror. "Oh, Tess." I bite my lip. "Maybe Glass can give him a bell jar," I say. "I know - you two don't get along, but she knows what it's like to be bothered by the Shuck, too."

Tess carries on talking about Glass and I feel a sharp pang when she says I doubt she's like t'come see you soon, because I know it's true.

"I know," I sigh. "I will. Tomorrow, maybe. We have a lot to straighten out."

Tess kisses me then, and it's much easier to kiss her back than to let myself dwell on these things, much easier to let my mouth part under hers and keep my arm round her waist, feeling my heart hammer in a way I've learned is pleasant.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

It's like I thought - Kate's frightened when she hears 'a Johnny, but part 'a me feels relieved when she's concerned fer him, not scared 'v him. And then there's Mrs. Beddau - but we're kissin', and my worries fall away.

Today there ain't the same sense 'a restraint like usual with Kate. I always wonder if I'm pushin', if I'm takin' things farther 'n she's easy with 'cause I want her. But today it's easy t'lay here kissin' her and not wonderin', just enjoyin' the feel 'a her lips 'gainst mine. There's light streamin' in through the crack 'a the curtains, and the smell 'a tea and fresh bread fillin' the room, and I sigh 'gainst her mouth in contentment.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Tess sighs against me, and it makes my heart clench, but not in a bad way. I feel something so sweet it almost makes my eyes prick with tears. Kissing her here isn't like the fevered, giggly excitement at Dorian's party. It's gentler, but somehow it feels more real. No masks. My hand is in her hair, and the sun's coming down over my back, and I remember a folk song the boys used to sing when I was growing up. Her eyes were bright and her stockings white, and her buckling shone like silver,/
She had a dark roving eye, and her hair hung over her shoulder. I kiss Tess with all my heart, the weight of her hair against my fingers.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

There's a crinkle 'a fabric as we shift, and Kate's fingers are still twinin' through my hair. Finally I pull back t'get a proper breath and she's lookin' half solemn and I grin at her. "I think I'm feelin' a fair bit better, now." Her hair's a bit mussed and it makes me laugh, seein' her like that when she's so together and collected in public. I feel like it's a part 'a her that she shows just t'me.

"I love you." It still sounds kind 'a strange, hearin' those words from my own mouth. So I grin and peck her on the cheek and sit up. "I think the tea's gone cold."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Tess sits up a bit and I let go of her reluctantly.

"I think I'm feelin' a fair bit better, now." She laughs and I laugh too, but then my breath catches as she says "I love you." I think of how Laurence said it and how it made me feel glad but sad all at once, and I don't feel that now. It feels like having a cool drink of water on a hot day.

"I think the tea's gone cold."

"I can make more," I say, sliding off the bed and putting the kettle back onto the stove. I sing under my breath.

As I walked out on a May morning, on a May morning so early,
I overtook a pretty fair maid just as the day was a-dawning.

I look back at Tess over my shoulder, taking in her flushed face and tousled hair and feeling heat bloom inside me.

"And I love you," I say, almost as quiet as I was singing, and I feel my cheeks go red. But the corners of my mouth turn up into a smile, and I unfasten the top button of my shirt, because this blush is making me hot.

[tess-thiess.livejournal.com]

"I can make more," she says, smilin' again, and she steps over t'put the kettle on, singin' quietly as she goes. I cross my legs and sit on the bed, watchin' her, smilin' at her song, and then gigglin' just a bit as I recognize it. "And I love you," she says then, lookin' back at me, and it makes my breath catch, her lookin' at me like that.

"It's Sunday sure 'nough, but I ain't too worried 'bout my Ma'," I say, hoppin' off the bed, and walkin' over t'where she's standin' at the stove. Her face it flushed and she's undone one 'a her shirt's buttons, and the sight brings a heat 'v its own t'me.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"It's Sunday sure 'nough, but I ain't too worried 'bout my Ma'," she says, and I laugh.

"Boys in my hometown used to sing that song. Sometimes they'd sit on the front porch of my parents' store and my ma would shoo them off, saying they had the manners of a cat," I say, and my smile softens at that memory. The kettle whistles so I take it off the heat. Tess looks a little flushed, and the colour suits her. I put a hand up to her cheek and find it warm. "Would your mother be shocked, about - this?" I ask softly, leaning in to kiss her. "I guess she would rather you were marrying a nice farm boy," I add. "Maybe she would have liked me as Robin Hood," I continue with a quick little smile, and I feel myself get warmer, remembering the night, or at least before it all went horrid.