Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Thursday lunchtime

I have had a great deal to think about since Tuesday; so much that I'm amazed I haven't burned down my house by forgetting that the oven is switched on, or broken my leg falling over a consignment I have forgotten to put away. But somehow I have managed to keep doing the things I am meant to do, even if all the while I have had a great deal to think about.

First there is Glass, though I'll admit that's not been what I've mostly thought about over the last day and a half. I turned to Exodus on Wednesday. Thou shalt not commit adultery. But the Old Testament has always seemed like something of another time; its laws were useful for a time, but then Christ came and gave us new laws. So I turn to John again, the passage I mentioned, I realise, to Glass. Maybe it was that mention that made her comfortable enough to tell me, knowing I wouldn't send her away.

They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

If Christ can say neither do I condemn thee, how could I condemn Glass? I do not approve of what she has done; it shocks me, although knowing that Iago is somehow... complicit in it disgusts me more, and makes me worry for Glass, that she is married to someone who - I don't know, wants his wife to do such things for his own... satisfaction. The thought makes me a little sick. But as for Glass herself - well, I trust her to learn from her mistakes and to do what is right in the end. And even if she does not, I will still love her. I think of the way she touches my fingertips, a kinder gesture than embraces from nearly anyone else, and I smile a little. I think she's my sister, in bone if not in blood.

So I've put aside the matter of Glass, more or less. I've been thinking about Tess instead. I was looking through the Bible to see if there is any mention of - a woman loving a woman the way she would a man. But I cannot find anything. There isn't anything I can see about men lying with men; I remember our priest mentioning Sodom and Gomorrah, but when I read the story I find nothing but a strange tale of inhospitability punished with destruction. It seems to me that if God were worried about it, He would probably have mentioned it along with injunctions against murder and adultery. But He did not.

I don't think I'm worried that it's a sin for Tess to care for me; I am worried that I don't really understand what it means, and I am worried that I don't know what I want to do. After we talked I went to bed, and I had strange and restless dreams where Laurence shouted at me and said I had thrown him over for a witch, and when I woke up my pillow was wet with tears. In the morning it was a little awkward, having breakfast with Tess, but not painfully so; we could still talk, though I felt like the air was thick with things unsaid. I noticed every time she looked at me, and I kept glancing over at her and then away, feeling my neck and face flush. She is pretty, truly. She has a fine, fierce face, and I found myself reading the Song of Songs that evening and shivering - I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. Thinking of her dark hair and the way her lips touched mine, just briefly. Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.

I read the whole book again last night, sitting in bed. I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished and the pomegranates budded. I feel my thighs clench and my heart stutter at the reading of it, and I felt hot tears rise because I have never known the easy joy there is in that book. I lay in the dark, feeling like there was a hollow place in my chest, an aching kind of hunger that needs filling. I pressed my hands to my breasts, which seemed to both make the feeling better and worse, and when I went to sleep at last I dreamed of a valley filled with fig trees, and I woke feeling as if Tess's mouth was against mine again.

I decide that this lunchtime I will call on Parras. I promised I would, and besides, perhaps she can help me. I don't think I can tell her about Tess - just thinking about explaining it makes blood rush into my face - but maybe she will end up telling me more about her relationship with a woman.

I am nervous about visiting the brothel, though. It is strange, I think with a little smile, to go from studying the bible to visiting a brothel, but it's not as if I will be a client. All the same, I put on a conservative suit - a sober brown that has a high necked jacket - to make sure it's clear that I am not there for... well, whatever it would be women could go there for. I just hope I don't see Adonis - I've never been able to look him in the eye since he recommended visiting when I first moved here! Just thinking about it makes me blush again. Well. I will visit Parras, and it will all be fine, and hopefully I will not panic.

I pick up a box of macaroons from the bakery - they aren't the usual sweets I buy; I prefer something heartier and less fiddly, but I think perhaps Parras will like their elegance. And so I go over to the Boy and ring the bell. A maid answers and tells me they aren't open for business until later. I flush and tell her stiffly that I'm here to pay a social call on Ms Desmet. She ushers me into the lobby and I look around, feeling my pulse thump. I can't believe I'm standing in the foyer of a brothel.
[closed]

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[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

Mrs. Danvers brings the tea, and I smile my thanks to her. Tea is a universal relaxant, I find, and indeed some of Miss O'Hara's tension fades as the tea is poured and served. "Not too long," she replies when I ask if she and Parras have known each other long, "Parras came into my store recently and we ended up having a long talk, and I said I would call on her. She seems like a lovely woman,"

"She is," I smile, taking my cup into my hands. "We are very fortunate to have her here. I am sure that she will be glad to see you."

"This is a lovely building. Have you made any changes since Karina left?"

I smile in thanks for her kind words. "Thank you. Not so very many, no....She of course took some of her furniture with her, and I have since replaced it with my own...and of course I hired Sophie and Mrs. Danvers to replace Lena, but otherwise all is the same. I would not wish to change this place too much," I laugh. It has been several weeks now, but the place still feels newly mine. It would feel almost wrong to change it, really...perhaps once more time has passed I will feel comfortable changing more of it, with making it truly my own.

Ah, and there is Parras! She steps into the room clad into a form-fitting but somehow somber grey dress. "Why, Kate, it's so very pleasant to see you. I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. How smart you look - what a perfectly darling jacket."

"Good afternoon, Parras," I smile at her, "Please, join us." Mrs. Danvers was thoughtful enough to bring a third cup.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Miao tells me a little about what she has been doing, and I nod and smile.

"Karina did a lovely job; from what I have heard the place was in quite a state before she bought it," I smile.

Then Parras comes in, wearing a severe but striking dress.

"it's so very pleasant to see you. I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. How smart you look - what a perfectly darling jacket."

"Oh, thank you," I say, standing to offer her my hand - I've never got comfortable with this cheek kissing that so many women in this town seem to do - and I smile at her. "You look very elegant yourself. That is a lovely lip colour," I say. "It can be so hard to find good reds."

Miao asks Parras to join us, and pours her another cup.

"I hope you've been keeping well?" I say. "I'm sorry I didn't come to see you on Sunday, but the new church opened and I felt I should go to the service," I say, not adding that afterwards I was not really in the best of moods for socialising.

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

Kate stands to offer me her hand, and it's a curiously courtly gesture - rising like a gentleman, extending her hand like a lady. I take it and squeeze it: "Thank you, Kate. I blend the colour myself - you learn to make do and mend on the road, and I've saved ends of lipsticks over the years. That must make me sound terribly cheap, I suppose, but sometimes it's so hard to find."

"I hope you've been keeping well? I'm sorry I didn't come to see you on Sunday, but the new church opened and I felt I should go to the service."

"Oh, don't worry about that," I say breezily, settling myself in a chair near her and pouring myself a little tea as Miao smiles at me. I was a little hurt - I'd looked forward to it - but there's no need to tell Kate that. "And how did you find the service?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Thank you, Kate. I blend the colour myself - you learn to make do and mend on the road, and I've saved ends of lipsticks over the years. That must make me sound terribly cheap, I suppose, but sometimes it's so hard to find."

"Oh, that doesn't sound silly at all," I say with a smile. "I remember the first lipstick I bought, and ever since then I've kept trying to replicate the shade. It reminds me of something important," I say, and I might have said a little more, but Miao is here. "I've found a good replacement now, but for years I had two kinds that I mashed together in a tin," I say.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Parras in response to my apology. "And how did you find the service?"

"I... enjoyed it," I say. "I was raised a Christian, though in a different kind of church to Laurence's - that's Mr Tillerman, who runs the new church," I explain. "But there was some comfort in being in a place where at least some of the words were familiar, and the symbols too. But I won't give up Nanshe's church, either. I like the abbey a great deal."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

Kate and Parras begin discussing makeup, a sweet, feminine discussion. Myself, I brought much of my makeup from China...I still have some left, since I use it sparingly. Otherwise I bought it from merchants along my way here, and I am very glad I was frugal with it, since now there is much less to be had here.

Now Kate is speaking of a new church that has opened... "I was raised a Christian, though in a different kind of church to Laurence's - that's Mr Tillerman, who runs the new church. But there was some comfort in being in a place where at least some of the words were familiar, and the symbols too. But I won't give up Nanshe's church, either. I like the abbey a great deal."

"Brother Laurence has opened a church?" I ask, curiously, "I had not heard that. I am glad for him...when was the first service?"

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

"It reminds me of something important."

I understand that kind of reminder: small, invisible to anyone else and yet something you can hold fast to. I give her a very slight nod, but I don't ask ask the poor girl more. She's relaxed a little, but I think she's still uncomfortable.

She talks about the church service, and I smile at her. I'm glad Kate has her comfort, though I've never found any peace myself in church or temple. She sounds a little uncertain about the new church, but pleased. Miao asks about the priest or vicar or whatever kind of officiant he is - Brother Laurence, Mr Tillerman - and I busy myself with the tea things.

I refill Kate's cup, and slip one of the tiny biscuits onto her saucer. She needs feeding up, I think. I'm sure that shop runs her ragged, and she doesn't have anyone to go home to. The Boy's a blessing in that: no matter how busy the work, there's always someone to make the tea or listen to you complain.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"Brother Laurence has opened a church?I had not heard that. I am glad for him...when was the first service?"

I'm a little surprised that Ms Lei has not heard of the church, since it is across the street, but I know that she finds it difficult to walk.

"Yes, he opened it only a week ago. The first service was on Sunday. He has named the church in honour of St Willigis, though that's not a saint I know," I say. "It's a small, simple building, but really quite lovely." I sip my tea. "You do you follow any gods, Ms Lei?" I don't believe I've seen her at the abbey, but she might have her own services.

Parras slips a cookie onto my plate, which reminds me of the box in my purse. I draw it out.

"I had almost forgotten these," I say, putting the box of macaroons on the table. They are in three different shades. "I thought you might enjoy these - they're quite elegant, don't you think?" I smile. "Once I watched Edmund make them, and oh, they are the most fiddly things to bake! But they are very pretty."

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

"Yes, he opened it only a week ago. The first service was on Sunday. He has named the church in honour of St Willigis, though that's not a saint I know. It's a small, simple building, but really quite lovely." Kate says, sipping her tea. I am glad to see that she has relaxed a great deal. "Do you follow any gods, Ms Lei?"

I smile, cradling my teacup in my hands, "I am what you would call a Taoist, Miss O'Hara...I believe in the balance and energy of all things, and I follow many gods and goddesses. Much of my patronage goes to Kwan Yin, goddess of mercy, and P'an-Chin-Lien, the goddess of...ladies such as we," I delicatly indicate Parras and myself.

And ah, how kind of her to bring a gift! The box she draws from her purse is deliciously fragrat, and she opens it to reveal delicate cookies in different colours. "I thought you might enjoy these - they're quite elegant, don't you think? Once I watched Edmund make them, and oh, they are the most fiddly things to bake! But they are very pretty."

"Edmund is exceedingly talented," I agree, smiling and thinking that I shall have to visit him soon...but it occurs to me then that perhaps I am being rude, perhaps Miss O'Hara wished to discuss something privately with Parras. "But forgive me...did you two wish to speak alone?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"I am what you would call a Taoist, Miss O'Hara...I believe in the balance and energy of all things, and I follow many gods and goddesses. Much of my patronage goes to Kwan Yin, goddess of mercy, and P'an-Chin-Lien, the goddess of...ladies such as we," says Ms Lei, and my eyes widen a little at the thought of a goddess of prostitutes... But there seem to be gods of everything.

"The balance and energy of all things," I say thoughtfully. "That seems a good thing to want - each thing in its right place."

"Edmund is exceedingly talented," Miao says when I bring out the macaroons, and I smile and nod in agreement.

"I am just glad his political career hasn't made him give up the bakery," I say. "I think he is an excellent councillor, but I'd be sad to see the Cockaigne close." I sip my tea.

"But forgive me...did you two wish to speak alone?"

"Oh," I say, glancing at Parras, because really, I would like to speak to Parras alone but it would be rude to say so, "not particularly - but Parras did say she would show me some of her clothes she brought from her home town." Perhaps that would provide a good opportunity to go elsewhere.

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

I nibble on one of the biscuits Kate's brought. "Lavender biscuits?" I say, laughing a little in delight. "What a charming conceit. From the Cockaigne, you say? I must stop by - I must confess I have something of a sweet tooth."

Miao asks if we want some privacy, and Kate looks at me. "Oh," she says, "not particularly - but Parras did say she would show me some of her clothes she brought from her home town."

I hope she's just being polite - after all, she did come here to see me. I smile at them both: "Kate and I had a lovely discussion in her shop the other day. I've very much been looking forward to showing her what I brought here." I think Kate might be more comfortable somewhere private, rather than where someone might see her visiting. Whatever I think of her opinions of my work, I don't want her to be embarassed.

[lei-miao-shan.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, they do wish to speak privately, but they are both far too polite to say. Instead Kate suggests that Parras show her some of her wardrobe, and Parras readily agrees.

"Of course," I smile. "Please, feel free to go whenever it pleases you. The tea will keep." I hope that whatever it is that they have to discuss is helpful to both of them.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I am not sure at first if Parras thinks I want to go with her, but luckily Ms Lei realises, because she says:

"Please, feel free to go whenever it pleases you. The tea will keep."

I smile at her. I make sure to finish my tea, because it would be rude to get up mid cup, and then I rise.

"It has been very pleasant chatting with you, Miss Lei," I say, and really, if I don't think about her job, it is.

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

Bless you, Miao. It's been pleasant, sitting and talking with them both, but I'm selfish enough to want my new acquaitance - friend, maybe - to myself.

"This way," I say to Kate, giving Miao a grateful smile, and I lead her towards my room.

"My own residence," I say, my hand on the doorknob - I want to reassure her that it's not where I work. "The house provides us with private quarters, thankfully."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I follow Parras upstairs.

"The house provides us with private quarters, thankfully."

I feel quite relieved that this isn't where Parras... entertains. She shows me into her room.

"Oh, this is lovely," I say, and it is a handsome room. It's far more refined than my own home, but I can appreciate the style.

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

"Oh, this is lovely."

I smile, and wave her towards one of the delicate little armchairs. "Please, Kate, sit down."

I settle myself in the other chair. We have plenty of time, and I hope to put Kate at her ease. "I'm so very glad you could come. I'll confess I was a little concerned you might have changed your mind about visiting. So foolish of me."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I sit down on one of the pretty chairs.

"I'm sorry you were worried," I say, and I am. "I promise, I am not the kind of woman to give her word and then break it. I... received some news that troubled me last weekend, and it would not have made me very good company," I say, thinking of my strange conversation with Laurence. "But I am glad I am here now," I add with a smile. "Have you had a good week?"

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

"I promise, I am not the kind of woman to give her word and then break it."

"I know," I say, and lean across to put my hand on hers. I hope that she doesn't think it a great liberty. "I was simply concerned that...oh, that you might not think it any such matter as you would give your word on, but only a passing fancy." It has happened before, of course, though with Kate at least I can be sure wanting to see my home is no idle prurience.

"I... received some news that troubled me last weekend, and it would not have made me very good company. But I am glad I am here now. Have you had a good week?"

"Pleasantly uneventful." I'm smiling back at her now. "A little emotional, perhaps...and I hope that it wasn't bad news you received, my dear."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"I was simply concerned that...oh, that you might not think it any such matter as you would give your word on, but only a passing fancy."

Parras seems so elegant and confident, but this makes me think perhaps she's more unsure of herself than she appears.

"I hope that we can become friends," I smile, "and that's certainly not a fancy to me." I pat the hand she's placed on top of mine.

"Pleasantly uneventful.A little emotional, perhaps...and I hope that it wasn't bad news you received, my dear."

I can't help wishing a little that my week had been less eventful... But it was very quiet by Excolo standards, really.

"It was a little distressing," I say, thinking of my worry about Laurence's drinking, "but I'm hopeful that everything is alright now. This week has been one where people have shared secrets with me, all of them surprising," I say, with a little laugh and a shake of my head. "You had an emotional week? I hope it was pleasant, rather than troubling."

[parras-siren.livejournal.com]

I hope that we can become friends, and that's certainly not a fancy to me."

She pats my hand, and I feel a little moment of - what? Reassurance, fondness, warmth...all of those, and yet something more, too. I think maybe it's hope, and I've schooled myself away from that recently. It reminds me of my dream, my friend's hand on mine. I smile at her back at her wordlessly.

"This week has been one where people have shared secrets with me, all of them surprising. You had an emotional week? I hope it was pleasant, rather than troubling."

"I won't ask after your secrets, but of course I'm desperately curious." I give her a mischeivous look. "This town seems to be full of them. I hear a lot of them in my work, and some of them are quite astonishing. As for my week...not troubling, no. A little melancholy, perhaps. I think perhaps I should try and meet more people in town - it's not good for me to be so much alone."

Of course, I meet people in the course of business, but that's very much a different thing. I should go around to Dorian's shop, perhaps - he was personable when he visited, and I'd like to see him again.

"So," I say, "how do you find the Boy? Is it what you expected?" I know she's not comfortable with my work, but I won't pretend it's not what it is, either.