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estdeus_innobisThursday lunchtime
I have had a great deal to think about since Tuesday; so much that I'm amazed I haven't burned down my house by forgetting that the oven is switched on, or broken my leg falling over a consignment I have forgotten to put away. But somehow I have managed to keep doing the things I am meant to do, even if all the while I have had a great deal to think about.
First there is Glass, though I'll admit that's not been what I've mostly thought about over the last day and a half. I turned to Exodus on Wednesday. Thou shalt not commit adultery. But the Old Testament has always seemed like something of another time; its laws were useful for a time, but then Christ came and gave us new laws. So I turn to John again, the passage I mentioned, I realise, to Glass. Maybe it was that mention that made her comfortable enough to tell me, knowing I wouldn't send her away.
They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
If Christ can say neither do I condemn thee, how could I condemn Glass? I do not approve of what she has done; it shocks me, although knowing that Iago is somehow... complicit in it disgusts me more, and makes me worry for Glass, that she is married to someone who - I don't know, wants his wife to do such things for his own... satisfaction. The thought makes me a little sick. But as for Glass herself - well, I trust her to learn from her mistakes and to do what is right in the end. And even if she does not, I will still love her. I think of the way she touches my fingertips, a kinder gesture than embraces from nearly anyone else, and I smile a little. I think she's my sister, in bone if not in blood.
So I've put aside the matter of Glass, more or less. I've been thinking about Tess instead. I was looking through the Bible to see if there is any mention of - a woman loving a woman the way she would a man. But I cannot find anything. There isn't anything I can see about men lying with men; I remember our priest mentioning Sodom and Gomorrah, but when I read the story I find nothing but a strange tale of inhospitability punished with destruction. It seems to me that if God were worried about it, He would probably have mentioned it along with injunctions against murder and adultery. But He did not.
I don't think I'm worried that it's a sin for Tess to care for me; I am worried that I don't really understand what it means, and I am worried that I don't know what I want to do. After we talked I went to bed, and I had strange and restless dreams where Laurence shouted at me and said I had thrown him over for a witch, and when I woke up my pillow was wet with tears. In the morning it was a little awkward, having breakfast with Tess, but not painfully so; we could still talk, though I felt like the air was thick with things unsaid. I noticed every time she looked at me, and I kept glancing over at her and then away, feeling my neck and face flush. She is pretty, truly. She has a fine, fierce face, and I found myself reading the Song of Songs that evening and shivering - I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. Thinking of her dark hair and the way her lips touched mine, just briefly. Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
I read the whole book again last night, sitting in bed. I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished and the pomegranates budded. I feel my thighs clench and my heart stutter at the reading of it, and I felt hot tears rise because I have never known the easy joy there is in that book. I lay in the dark, feeling like there was a hollow place in my chest, an aching kind of hunger that needs filling. I pressed my hands to my breasts, which seemed to both make the feeling better and worse, and when I went to sleep at last I dreamed of a valley filled with fig trees, and I woke feeling as if Tess's mouth was against mine again.
I decide that this lunchtime I will call on Parras. I promised I would, and besides, perhaps she can help me. I don't think I can tell her about Tess - just thinking about explaining it makes blood rush into my face - but maybe she will end up telling me more about her relationship with a woman.
I am nervous about visiting the brothel, though. It is strange, I think with a little smile, to go from studying the bible to visiting a brothel, but it's not as if I will be a client. All the same, I put on a conservative suit - a sober brown that has a high necked jacket - to make sure it's clear that I am not there for... well, whatever it would be women could go there for. I just hope I don't see Adonis - I've never been able to look him in the eye since he recommended visiting when I first moved here! Just thinking about it makes me blush again. Well. I will visit Parras, and it will all be fine, and hopefully I will not panic.
I pick up a box of macaroons from the bakery - they aren't the usual sweets I buy; I prefer something heartier and less fiddly, but I think perhaps Parras will like their elegance. And so I go over to the Boy and ring the bell. A maid answers and tells me they aren't open for business until later. I flush and tell her stiffly that I'm here to pay a social call on Ms Desmet. She ushers me into the lobby and I look around, feeling my pulse thump. I can't believe I'm standing in the foyer of a brothel.
[closed]
I have had a great deal to think about since Tuesday; so much that I'm amazed I haven't burned down my house by forgetting that the oven is switched on, or broken my leg falling over a consignment I have forgotten to put away. But somehow I have managed to keep doing the things I am meant to do, even if all the while I have had a great deal to think about.
First there is Glass, though I'll admit that's not been what I've mostly thought about over the last day and a half. I turned to Exodus on Wednesday. Thou shalt not commit adultery. But the Old Testament has always seemed like something of another time; its laws were useful for a time, but then Christ came and gave us new laws. So I turn to John again, the passage I mentioned, I realise, to Glass. Maybe it was that mention that made her comfortable enough to tell me, knowing I wouldn't send her away.
They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
If Christ can say neither do I condemn thee, how could I condemn Glass? I do not approve of what she has done; it shocks me, although knowing that Iago is somehow... complicit in it disgusts me more, and makes me worry for Glass, that she is married to someone who - I don't know, wants his wife to do such things for his own... satisfaction. The thought makes me a little sick. But as for Glass herself - well, I trust her to learn from her mistakes and to do what is right in the end. And even if she does not, I will still love her. I think of the way she touches my fingertips, a kinder gesture than embraces from nearly anyone else, and I smile a little. I think she's my sister, in bone if not in blood.
So I've put aside the matter of Glass, more or less. I've been thinking about Tess instead. I was looking through the Bible to see if there is any mention of - a woman loving a woman the way she would a man. But I cannot find anything. There isn't anything I can see about men lying with men; I remember our priest mentioning Sodom and Gomorrah, but when I read the story I find nothing but a strange tale of inhospitability punished with destruction. It seems to me that if God were worried about it, He would probably have mentioned it along with injunctions against murder and adultery. But He did not.
I don't think I'm worried that it's a sin for Tess to care for me; I am worried that I don't really understand what it means, and I am worried that I don't know what I want to do. After we talked I went to bed, and I had strange and restless dreams where Laurence shouted at me and said I had thrown him over for a witch, and when I woke up my pillow was wet with tears. In the morning it was a little awkward, having breakfast with Tess, but not painfully so; we could still talk, though I felt like the air was thick with things unsaid. I noticed every time she looked at me, and I kept glancing over at her and then away, feeling my neck and face flush. She is pretty, truly. She has a fine, fierce face, and I found myself reading the Song of Songs that evening and shivering - I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. Thinking of her dark hair and the way her lips touched mine, just briefly. Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
I read the whole book again last night, sitting in bed. I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished and the pomegranates budded. I feel my thighs clench and my heart stutter at the reading of it, and I felt hot tears rise because I have never known the easy joy there is in that book. I lay in the dark, feeling like there was a hollow place in my chest, an aching kind of hunger that needs filling. I pressed my hands to my breasts, which seemed to both make the feeling better and worse, and when I went to sleep at last I dreamed of a valley filled with fig trees, and I woke feeling as if Tess's mouth was against mine again.
I decide that this lunchtime I will call on Parras. I promised I would, and besides, perhaps she can help me. I don't think I can tell her about Tess - just thinking about explaining it makes blood rush into my face - but maybe she will end up telling me more about her relationship with a woman.
I am nervous about visiting the brothel, though. It is strange, I think with a little smile, to go from studying the bible to visiting a brothel, but it's not as if I will be a client. All the same, I put on a conservative suit - a sober brown that has a high necked jacket - to make sure it's clear that I am not there for... well, whatever it would be women could go there for. I just hope I don't see Adonis - I've never been able to look him in the eye since he recommended visiting when I first moved here! Just thinking about it makes me blush again. Well. I will visit Parras, and it will all be fine, and hopefully I will not panic.
I pick up a box of macaroons from the bakery - they aren't the usual sweets I buy; I prefer something heartier and less fiddly, but I think perhaps Parras will like their elegance. And so I go over to the Boy and ring the bell. A maid answers and tells me they aren't open for business until later. I flush and tell her stiffly that I'm here to pay a social call on Ms Desmet. She ushers me into the lobby and I look around, feeling my pulse thump. I can't believe I'm standing in the foyer of a brothel.
[closed]
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Date: 2009-06-15 01:33 am (UTC)It is almost noon when the doorbell chimes, and I hear Sophie move to answer it. A moment of quiet discussion, and then two sets of footsteps moving into the house. I close my book and sit up. From where I am sitting in the lounge I can see through the doorway, see a young blonde woman who looks terribly nervous and stands ramrod straight. She looks familiar...
"Miss O'Hara?" I ask, laying my book aside and standing. "Miss O'Hara, it is very good to see you." It is somewhat puzzling, for I have never seen her here before...but I will never fail to welcome someone to my home. "I am Miao-Shan Lei, we met at Glass' wedding, I believe?" I say as I cross the room to greet her.
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Date: 2009-06-15 11:44 am (UTC)"I am Miao-Shan Lei, we met at Glass' wedding, I believe?"
"That's right, Ms Lei," I say, because "miss" is a title for a young girl or an old maid and I don't think Ms Lei can exactly be considered either. "I hope you are well? I'm just here to pay a social call on Ms Desmet - do you know if she's at home?"
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Date: 2009-06-15 03:33 pm (UTC)"I am very well," I say, smiling and taking her hand. "Parras is home, yes. She is likely upstairs dressing...Sophie will fetch her. In the meantime please, come and sit down. Would you like so tea, or perhaps lunch?"
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Date: 2009-06-15 05:13 pm (UTC)I take a seat. Dressing? At past midday? I suppose they do keep late hours here - but I had better not think about that or I will blush again.
"Oh, thank you," I say, "but I have eaten." I have not, but I can't imagine how awkward it would be to sit having lunch with Ms Lei. "Some tea would be lovely... But please, don't let me keep you from your own meal if you were about to eat," I say, settling into the chair.
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Date: 2009-06-15 05:58 pm (UTC)I smile gently, "We do not generally have our lunch until later." I ring the bell, and ask Mrs. Danvers for a pot of tea. "And how are you, Miss O'Hara? Have you and Parras known each other long?" I hope that they are becoming friends. Parras is a very guarded person, but I sense sometimes that she is very lonely. It would be very good, I think, for her to be making friends in the town.
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Date: 2009-06-15 06:31 pm (UTC)"And how are you, Miss O'Hara? Have you and Parras known each other long?"
"Not too long," I say. "Parras came into my store recently and we ended up having a long talk, and I said I would call on her," I explain. "She seems like a lovely woman," I add.
An older woman comes out with a pot of tea and so that provides a good distraction for a couple of minutes. I sip my tea. What should I say to Ms Lei? I don't feel like I can ask her how business is...
"This is a lovely building," I say. "Have you made any changes since Karina left?"
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Date: 2009-06-15 09:18 pm (UTC)She's sitting and having tea with Miao. Bless Miao: Kate's posture is a little too upright and her colour a little too high, but Miao's gracious as ever.
"Why, Kate," I say, sweeping in, "it's so very pleasant to see you. I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. How smart you look - what a perfectly darling jacket."
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Date: 2009-06-15 09:20 pm (UTC)"She is," I smile, taking my cup into my hands. "We are very fortunate to have her here. I am sure that she will be glad to see you."
"This is a lovely building. Have you made any changes since Karina left?"
I smile in thanks for her kind words. "Thank you. Not so very many, no....She of course took some of her furniture with her, and I have since replaced it with my own...and of course I hired Sophie and Mrs. Danvers to replace Lena, but otherwise all is the same. I would not wish to change this place too much," I laugh. It has been several weeks now, but the place still feels newly mine. It would feel almost wrong to change it, really...perhaps once more time has passed I will feel comfortable changing more of it, with making it truly my own.
Ah, and there is Parras! She steps into the room clad into a form-fitting but somehow somber grey dress. "Why, Kate, it's so very pleasant to see you. I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. How smart you look - what a perfectly darling jacket."
"Good afternoon, Parras," I smile at her, "Please, join us." Mrs. Danvers was thoughtful enough to bring a third cup.
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Date: 2009-06-15 09:33 pm (UTC)"Karina did a lovely job; from what I have heard the place was in quite a state before she bought it," I smile.
Then Parras comes in, wearing a severe but striking dress.
"it's so very pleasant to see you. I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. How smart you look - what a perfectly darling jacket."
"Oh, thank you," I say, standing to offer her my hand - I've never got comfortable with this cheek kissing that so many women in this town seem to do - and I smile at her. "You look very elegant yourself. That is a lovely lip colour," I say. "It can be so hard to find good reds."
Miao asks Parras to join us, and pours her another cup.
"I hope you've been keeping well?" I say. "I'm sorry I didn't come to see you on Sunday, but the new church opened and I felt I should go to the service," I say, not adding that afterwards I was not really in the best of moods for socialising.
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Date: 2009-06-15 10:30 pm (UTC)"I hope you've been keeping well? I'm sorry I didn't come to see you on Sunday, but the new church opened and I felt I should go to the service."
"Oh, don't worry about that," I say breezily, settling myself in a chair near her and pouring myself a little tea as Miao smiles at me. I was a little hurt - I'd looked forward to it - but there's no need to tell Kate that. "And how did you find the service?"
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Date: 2009-06-15 11:06 pm (UTC)"Oh, that doesn't sound silly at all," I say with a smile. "I remember the first lipstick I bought, and ever since then I've kept trying to replicate the shade. It reminds me of something important," I say, and I might have said a little more, but Miao is here. "I've found a good replacement now, but for years I had two kinds that I mashed together in a tin," I say.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Parras in response to my apology. "And how did you find the service?"
"I... enjoyed it," I say. "I was raised a Christian, though in a different kind of church to Laurence's - that's Mr Tillerman, who runs the new church," I explain. "But there was some comfort in being in a place where at least some of the words were familiar, and the symbols too. But I won't give up Nanshe's church, either. I like the abbey a great deal."
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Date: 2009-06-15 11:48 pm (UTC)Now Kate is speaking of a new church that has opened... "I was raised a Christian, though in a different kind of church to Laurence's - that's Mr Tillerman, who runs the new church. But there was some comfort in being in a place where at least some of the words were familiar, and the symbols too. But I won't give up Nanshe's church, either. I like the abbey a great deal."
"Brother Laurence has opened a church?" I ask, curiously, "I had not heard that. I am glad for him...when was the first service?"
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Date: 2009-06-16 08:44 am (UTC)I understand that kind of reminder: small, invisible to anyone else and yet something you can hold fast to. I give her a very slight nod, but I don't ask ask the poor girl more. She's relaxed a little, but I think she's still uncomfortable.
She talks about the church service, and I smile at her. I'm glad Kate has her comfort, though I've never found any peace myself in church or temple. She sounds a little uncertain about the new church, but pleased. Miao asks about the priest or vicar or whatever kind of officiant he is - Brother Laurence, Mr Tillerman - and I busy myself with the tea things.
I refill Kate's cup, and slip one of the tiny biscuits onto her saucer. She needs feeding up, I think. I'm sure that shop runs her ragged, and she doesn't have anyone to go home to. The Boy's a blessing in that: no matter how busy the work, there's always someone to make the tea or listen to you complain.
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Date: 2009-06-16 12:48 pm (UTC)I'm a little surprised that Ms Lei has not heard of the church, since it is across the street, but I know that she finds it difficult to walk.
"Yes, he opened it only a week ago. The first service was on Sunday. He has named the church in honour of St Willigis, though that's not a saint I know," I say. "It's a small, simple building, but really quite lovely." I sip my tea. "You do you follow any gods, Ms Lei?" I don't believe I've seen her at the abbey, but she might have her own services.
Parras slips a cookie onto my plate, which reminds me of the box in my purse. I draw it out.
"I had almost forgotten these," I say, putting the box of macaroons on the table. They are in three different shades. "I thought you might enjoy these - they're quite elegant, don't you think?" I smile. "Once I watched Edmund make them, and oh, they are the most fiddly things to bake! But they are very pretty."
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Date: 2009-06-16 06:21 pm (UTC)I smile, cradling my teacup in my hands, "I am what you would call a Taoist, Miss O'Hara...I believe in the balance and energy of all things, and I follow many gods and goddesses. Much of my patronage goes to Kwan Yin, goddess of mercy, and P'an-Chin-Lien, the goddess of...ladies such as we," I delicatly indicate Parras and myself.
And ah, how kind of her to bring a gift! The box she draws from her purse is deliciously fragrat, and she opens it to reveal delicate cookies in different colours. "I thought you might enjoy these - they're quite elegant, don't you think? Once I watched Edmund make them, and oh, they are the most fiddly things to bake! But they are very pretty."
"Edmund is exceedingly talented," I agree, smiling and thinking that I shall have to visit him soon...but it occurs to me then that perhaps I am being rude, perhaps Miss O'Hara wished to discuss something privately with Parras. "But forgive me...did you two wish to speak alone?"
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Date: 2009-06-17 12:19 am (UTC)"The balance and energy of all things," I say thoughtfully. "That seems a good thing to want - each thing in its right place."
"Edmund is exceedingly talented," Miao says when I bring out the macaroons, and I smile and nod in agreement.
"I am just glad his political career hasn't made him give up the bakery," I say. "I think he is an excellent councillor, but I'd be sad to see the Cockaigne close." I sip my tea.
"But forgive me...did you two wish to speak alone?"
"Oh," I say, glancing at Parras, because really, I would like to speak to Parras alone but it would be rude to say so, "not particularly - but Parras did say she would show me some of her clothes she brought from her home town." Perhaps that would provide a good opportunity to go elsewhere.
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Date: 2009-06-17 12:33 pm (UTC)Miao asks if we want some privacy, and Kate looks at me. "Oh," she says, "not particularly - but Parras did say she would show me some of her clothes she brought from her home town."
I hope she's just being polite - after all, she did come here to see me. I smile at them both: "Kate and I had a lovely discussion in her shop the other day. I've very much been looking forward to showing her what I brought here." I think Kate might be more comfortable somewhere private, rather than where someone might see her visiting. Whatever I think of her opinions of my work, I don't want her to be embarassed.
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Date: 2009-06-17 11:43 pm (UTC)"Of course," I smile. "Please, feel free to go whenever it pleases you. The tea will keep." I hope that whatever it is that they have to discuss is helpful to both of them.
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Date: 2009-06-18 12:17 am (UTC)"Please, feel free to go whenever it pleases you. The tea will keep."
I smile at her. I make sure to finish my tea, because it would be rude to get up mid cup, and then I rise.
"It has been very pleasant chatting with you, Miss Lei," I say, and really, if I don't think about her job, it is.
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Date: 2009-06-18 06:27 pm (UTC)"This way," I say to Kate, giving Miao a grateful smile, and I lead her towards my room.
"My own residence," I say, my hand on the doorknob - I want to reassure her that it's not where I work. "The house provides us with private quarters, thankfully."
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Date: 2009-06-19 12:00 pm (UTC)"The house provides us with private quarters, thankfully."
I feel quite relieved that this isn't where Parras... entertains. She shows me into her room.
"Oh, this is lovely," I say, and it is a handsome room. It's far more refined than my own home, but I can appreciate the style.
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Date: 2009-06-19 07:47 pm (UTC)I smile, and wave her towards one of the delicate little armchairs. "Please, Kate, sit down."
I settle myself in the other chair. We have plenty of time, and I hope to put Kate at her ease. "I'm so very glad you could come. I'll confess I was a little concerned you might have changed your mind about visiting. So foolish of me."
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Date: 2009-06-19 11:13 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry you were worried," I say, and I am. "I promise, I am not the kind of woman to give her word and then break it. I... received some news that troubled me last weekend, and it would not have made me very good company," I say, thinking of my strange conversation with Laurence. "But I am glad I am here now," I add with a smile. "Have you had a good week?"
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Date: 2009-06-21 09:25 pm (UTC)"I know," I say, and lean across to put my hand on hers. I hope that she doesn't think it a great liberty. "I was simply concerned that...oh, that you might not think it any such matter as you would give your word on, but only a passing fancy." It has happened before, of course, though with Kate at least I can be sure wanting to see my home is no idle prurience.
"I... received some news that troubled me last weekend, and it would not have made me very good company. But I am glad I am here now. Have you had a good week?"
"Pleasantly uneventful." I'm smiling back at her now. "A little emotional, perhaps...and I hope that it wasn't bad news you received, my dear."
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Date: 2009-06-22 11:30 am (UTC)Parras seems so elegant and confident, but this makes me think perhaps she's more unsure of herself than she appears.
"I hope that we can become friends," I smile, "and that's certainly not a fancy to me." I pat the hand she's placed on top of mine.
"Pleasantly uneventful.A little emotional, perhaps...and I hope that it wasn't bad news you received, my dear."
I can't help wishing a little that my week had been less eventful... But it was very quiet by Excolo standards, really.
"It was a little distressing," I say, thinking of my worry about Laurence's drinking, "but I'm hopeful that everything is alright now. This week has been one where people have shared secrets with me, all of them surprising," I say, with a little laugh and a shake of my head. "You had an emotional week? I hope it was pleasant, rather than troubling."
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 10:32 pm (UTC)She pats my hand, and I feel a little moment of - what? Reassurance, fondness, warmth...all of those, and yet something more, too. I think maybe it's hope, and I've schooled myself away from that recently. It reminds me of my dream, my friend's hand on mine. I smile at her back at her wordlessly.
"This week has been one where people have shared secrets with me, all of them surprising. You had an emotional week? I hope it was pleasant, rather than troubling."
"I won't ask after your secrets, but of course I'm desperately curious." I give her a mischeivous look. "This town seems to be full of them. I hear a lot of them in my work, and some of them are quite astonishing. As for my week...not troubling, no. A little melancholy, perhaps. I think perhaps I should try and meet more people in town - it's not good for me to be so much alone."
Of course, I meet people in the course of business, but that's very much a different thing. I should go around to Dorian's shop, perhaps - he was personable when he visited, and I'd like to see him again.
"So," I say, "how do you find the Boy? Is it what you expected?" I know she's not comfortable with my work, but I won't pretend it's not what it is, either.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-22 11:29 pm (UTC)I can't help smiling back at Parras's expression. It's a conspiratorial sort of smile.
"This town seems to be full of them. I hear a lot of them in my work, and some of them are quite astonishing. As for my week...not troubling, no. A little melancholy, perhaps. I think perhaps I should try and meet more people in town - it's not good for me to be so much alone."
I don't think I want to think of the... situation in which Parras hears secrets, but I ignore that because she sounds a little low.
"I am sorry you have been blue," I say. "Coming to a new town is always lonely. It took me a long time to settle in. I gained a lot of acquaintances quickly," I say, "but it took me a long while to make friends. But I was a lot more guarded back then," I explain. "I had travelled alone for a long time, and it took me a while to put down roots. I'm glad I did," I say with a smile. "You seem to me like someone who would be happy making a settled home for yourself," I add, and I wonder a little at the choices that led Parras to a life on the road. It seems a rough way for an elegant lady like her to live. "I can introduce you to some of my friends, if you like," I smile. I wonder who... I'm not sure she and Glass would get along... "You might like Wanda von SascherMosch, who owns the tea shop," I say. "And Edmund White the baker is a lovely man."
"So,how do you find the Boy? Is it what you expected?"
With someone else I might wonder if they were trying to bait me into saying something sharp, but Parras sounds only mildly curious, so I think.
"It's elegant, which I expected... But it's... quieter, I think. I thought there might be more on display, somehow. Not - well, I didn't expect a, an obscene sort of show," I say, blushing slightly. "I know Karina, who owned the Boy before, and she's not that type, and I wouldn't think Ms Lei would be either. But... it would be impossible to tell what the building was based on the lobby," I say. "It just looks like a pleasant reception room, not anything exotic." I give Parras a little smile. "I suppose you think I am quite green, Parras."
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Date: 2009-06-22 11:48 pm (UTC)I listen to her assessment of the 'Boy: "I suppose you think I am quite green, Parras."
"Not at all, my dear...not everywhere is like this, of course. I think you wouldn't like the Grindhouse at the Carnival at all." I give her a wry smile. "If you don't care for obscene shows." My own performance was just on the border of tasteful, of course - titillating, but not grotesque - but some of the newer girls....
"I think many people would be surprised, too. I certainly wouldn't fault you for that. But I'm glad you don't find it distasteful. I'm...pleased to have you here, Kate." I'm a little embarrassed at my own emotion.
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Date: 2009-06-23 12:08 am (UTC)"He is," I say, "and a newly elected councillor! Every mother of a girl in town over 16 has decided she needs him as a son in law, I think," I say with a mischievous child. "Poor Edmund doesn't seem to notice, though, which is probably actually a blessing for him..."
"Not at all, my dear...not everywhere is like this, of course. I think you wouldn't like the Grindhouse at the Carnival at all.If you don't care for obscene shows."
"Parras," I say carefully, for I don't want to hurt her feelings, "it - well, it feels surprising that you worked there," I say. "You seem so... ladylike. All I've seen of the - what did you call it, the Grindhouse?" - even the name seems horrible - "is the posters, but it seems rather..." There are a lot of words I could use, but I settle on "vulgar. I don't mean to offend you at all. I may not like the idea of the job, but at least Follow Me Boy seems... graceful. Was it unpleasant, working at the carnival?" I ask. I hope that Parras wasn't some desperate girl when she joined, forced by need into doing something horrible. There is far too much of that in the world.
"I think many people would be surprised, too. I certainly wouldn't fault you for that. But I'm glad you don't find it distasteful. I'm...pleased to have you here, Kate."
Parras's tone is soft, and my smile softens too.
"I'm glad to be here," I say. "I enjoyed our chat at the store so much! For one thing, it's nice to make a friend who understands grooming," I smile. "My best friend is wonderful, but I know she wouldn't understand why I need to curl my hair in the morning." I smile thinking of Glass. "And she's recently married, so I don't see her quite as much as I used to," I add. Though I haven't minded really - especially not with my lodger... "I suppose that tends to happen. I'm not sure if I'll ever get married. To be honest -" I'm not sure if I should say this, but Parras trusted me enough to tell me about her relationship, and perhaps it'd be good to say this out loud to someone - "I'm not sure any more how much I'd want to be with a man at all."
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Date: 2009-06-23 12:23 am (UTC)She's trying to be very tactful, and I sigh a little. "It wasn't the most elegant, no. But it wasn't so very terrible. Oh, it was a shock to me at first - but that was more the hardships of being on the road with the carnival, more than anything."
I sit back a little and look it her. "It was...a difficult time in my life, Kate. I very much wanted to leave where I was living - oh, I needed a change so badly! I suppose I was a little desperate.... Sometimes I think it was the wrong decision. But I met some kind people, and of course, once I met Marcilla.... I'd have left long ago, if it wasn't for her."
She talks about a friend of hers, and then: "I'm not sure if I'll ever get married. To be honest - I'm not sure any more how much I'd want to be with a man at all."
Oh. I manage not to show my surprise, I think. "Oh? Do you mean...Kate, do you mean you don't want to be with anyone? I know it can feel like that, when you've had a bad experience...." I do wish the feeling under my breastbone wasn't so much like hope.
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Date: 2009-06-23 12:49 pm (UTC)"I know a little bit about running away," I say, and pat her hand lightly, feeling my heart squeeze with sympathy. I think I chose a different sort of road to Parras... But maybe we had similar reasons for running.
"Oh? Do you mean...Kate, do you mean you don't want to be with anyone? I know it can feel like that, when you've had a bad experience...."
I shake my head.
"No - and yes. I am not sure," I say. I'm not sure how much to say, but Parras seems so calm and unjudgemental... "I - I had a bad introduction to... relationships, I suppose, when I was younger. It made me want to be alone for a long time. But I grew to wish for - someone to share things with, I suppose. So I tried. I enjoyed parts of the relationship, like spending time together and having someone to talk to and to kiss and so on," I continue, and I can feel my cheeks pinking a bit, "but other parts I just... didn't like," I say, not feeling I can really give details without sharing too much. "But I've been wondering lately if I would find it easier if... I don't know. I've always got on better with women, I find them easier to understand, and..." I know I'm blushing now. "May I ask a question, Parras? You don't have to answer if it's too personal. How did you know that you wanted a sweetheart who was a, a woman?"
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Date: 2009-06-24 10:54 am (UTC)"How did you know that you wanted a sweetheart who was a, a woman?"
Oh. "Oh, that was easy," I say with a smile, though it's a little tempered by sadness. "I fell in love."
It's not something I think about much - it was so very long ago, and given how it ended... "I was barely more than a child, as they'd think of it here, though even my younger sister had a proposal of marriage. But I knew I loved her, and not just as young girls do... I would have been with her always, I think. But she married, of course, and then not long after I did too. And it wasn't the same - it was never the same - " I pull myself back from my own past. "Kate, are you thinking that it's something you might want?"
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Date: 2009-06-24 12:08 pm (UTC)"I was barely more than a child, as they'd think of it here, though even my younger sister had a proposal of marriage. But I knew I loved her, and not just as young girls do... I would have been with her always, I think. But she married, of course, and then not long after I did too. And it wasn't the same - it was never the same - "
"I'm so sorry," I say, and I am. "You were married?" I ask. "Was it - bad?" I touch her hand lightly in sympathy. She and I, both young girls, both ending up somewhere we didn't want to be... I can't help but being sympathetic of that.
"Kate, are you thinking that it's something you might want?"
"I... don't know," I say thoughtfully, and somehow I manage not to colour at the question. "I locked my heart up for so long that I forgot how to recognise if I liked someone. If I ever really learned in the first place. But... I think maybe. Perhaps." I can't mention Tess; I promised to keep her secret, and even without her name it feels too... private.
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Date: 2009-06-24 09:31 pm (UTC)It confirms what I've thought about Kate, I think, that she assumes that, and my heart twinges again. "No, not bad. I'd known him since we were children, and he was...very kind. But he needed a child, and I - couldn't. Thought I couldn't." And what a shock that was, years later. "We parted amicably enough." He married again, of course, and I - I started my career.
"I locked my heart up for so long that I forgot how to recognise if I liked someone. If I ever really learned in the first place. But... I think maybe. Perhaps."
It's not likely she means me, of course. Why would she? She's a fresh young girl, and I'm who I am. But I can entertain the thought a little, just for a moment, and then put it aside. She needs someone, I think, to be there for her in this.
I smile at her: "If you've found someone you can care for, that's a wonderful thing. But - forgive me if I'm wrong, Kate, but it seems it might be something of a shock for you? Something new?" I do hope she feels she can talk to me, at least.
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Date: 2009-06-25 03:19 pm (UTC)"If you've found someone you can care for, that's a wonderful thing. But - forgive me if I'm wrong, Kate, but it seems it might be something of a shock for you? Something new?"
Parras smiles very kindly, though I still feel myself colour a bit just thinking about it.
"I - haven't been sure what I think," I say. "She - I found out just recently that she... liked me, and I... told her I wasn't sure what to think, yet." I realise my hands are knotted together in my lap, and I untwist my fingers. "Until recently I didn't even know it was something people wanted," I explain, "so I have felt quite confused about it all."
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Date: 2009-06-27 10:08 am (UTC)My foolish little almost-hope dies aborning when she says that. Well, I expected nothing, and if Kate and I are to be friends then certainly I wish her happiness. I'm curious, though, as to who has caught Kate's eye - perhaps one of the friends she mentioned? The lady from the tea-shoppe?
"Until recently I didn't even know it was something people wanted, so I have felt quite confused about it all."
"Well," I say, and I can see that she's quite agitated. I get up and cross to my dressing table, where Sophie left a little bottle of Mrs Danvers' elderflower cordial yesterday at my request. I find Kate one of the clean glasses from the top of the armoire and pour a fingerful of the thick liquid in, top it up from the water jug, and pass it to her with a smile. She needs something to do with her hands, I think.
"You might try that," I tell her; "it's quite refreshing. Now, then. How nice to hear that someone likes you, Kate! - though I can't say I'm surprised." The smile I give her is, deliberately, almost maternal. "Of course you must give yourself time to know how you feel."
I look at her over the drink I've poured myself. I would prefer a gin, I think, for this sort of conversation, but it really is far too early in the day. "Now, this is a little delicate, but...Kate, I do hope you know you can ask me any questions you might have about such things. The emotional and the - physical."
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Date: 2009-06-27 12:19 pm (UTC)"Thank you," I say.
"How nice to hear that someone likes you, Kate! - though I can't say I'm surprised. Of course you must give yourself time to know how you feel."
I blush a little, even though the look Parras gives me is more like that of a fond aunt than anything more arch, and thank goodness for that, because I don't think I can really joke about this yet.
"Now, this is a little delicate, but...Kate, I do hope you know you can ask me any questions you might have about such things. The emotional and the - physical."
Oh! I feel my colour deepening at that. But I am curious, though I'm really not sure what to ask.
"I'll - I'll bear that in mind, thank you," I say, sipping my cordial and willing my blush to go down. "You're very kind," I add. I'm sure even my ears are burning. "But we have just been talking about me!" I say, to look for a change of subject. "And you haven't had a chance to show me your things yet."
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Date: 2009-06-28 03:45 pm (UTC)She turns the topic away from herself, and I let her, crossing to pull the trunk out of the bottom of my closet. The gowns in it are carefully laid away in tissue I managed to scrounge of the road, and still the figured muslin of the top one is yellowing a little with age and wear. It gives me a little pang to see it, and I though I put on my brightest smile as I lift it out to show her, I really feel very old in that moment: worn thin and discoloured like the dress, far too old to have so young and vital a friend as Kate.
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Date: 2009-06-28 04:00 pm (UTC)The afternoon begins to wear on, and I must get back to the store, so I say goodbye with promises to visit again. And I will.