Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

[Lunchtime, Thursday, September 3rd]


Thought 'bout goin' down t'th'cafe fer lunch, but after th'meetin' wit'Slaughterman, when I saw all'em good ct'zens watchin' me. Figure if'n's like'at at th'bar, wha's gonna be like if'n'ey see me eatin' on Main Street? 'Spec'ally if'n'm 'lone...'n spec'ally given what happened t'poor Zann. If'n I wuz inna nastier mood I'd go out lookin' fer trouble...I ain't Zann, after all....but right now don't really feel like fightin'. So's I get m'self a sandwich at th'cook tent'n I head out t'th'river.

S'a nice 'nough day. Little warm, tail end'a summer'n all, but th'wind's comin' off'a th'water an' th'sun's out. Like it out'ere. Like it outside pure'n simple. Spent so long inna damn city, all smog'n concrete 'n dirt...bein' out'ere in th'green's still a bloody treat, even after so long.

Eat m'sandwich. Think. Ain't seen Tez inna few. Ain't's worried 'bout'im azzI wuz, not now'e's stayin' wit' th'Doc. Don't like th'Doc much, but'e'll keep Tez outta trouble. Still bit worried 'bout'im 'n Genny...ain't sure she knows what she's gettin' inta, an' ain't sure'e gets jes' how easily she c'n get hurt...jes' hopin' I c'n keep an eye on'em.

Finish m'food, light up a cig. Real pretty out. Inclined t'stay a while.


[OPEN to Tez and others]

Comments

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"If'n'ey don't get along, mebbe we c'n play'em off'f each other, yeah? Two birds, one rock, right?"

"Jesus, not where to start, but...." It's an idea. Set Lugh and Lilith at each other's throats, and get both of them out from where they've no business being - and, if I'm lucky, turn their attention away from me and mine. "Must be a way to do it. Only met Lugh the once, and he didn't seem inclined to harm me then, just - warn me off what's his, and make it plain what he thinks of me. Lilith - Lilith has a strong effect on me," I add ruefully.

Or I let her. Let her pull me that much further from what I was and into what I am. Very aware, again, of what Syl is beside me, mortal-animal but full of her own kind of fire and will.

She laughed while she unravelled me, Lilith, and watched me reform myself. And Iblis, glad every time I take a step further from being like Syl. Not what I was, though, before I was human. Learned too much, changed. Does he think I will stop loving her?

I have never thought of him as a fool.

Turn Syl's face round to me for a moment and look at her, out of the darkness behind my eyes. So small, so very breakable, fierce little spark. And yet she's looked after me so many times, and she's sitting here with her jaw set talking about driving out the Mother of Demons and Kaeli's Liar God.

Bravest damn woman I've ever known, and every part of me is drawn to that, man and god and monster. Beauty and strength, leaping laughter and delicious languor, force and fire, are of us.... More than one place to find that.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Jesus, not where to start, but....Must be a way to do it. Only met Lugh the once, and he didn't seem inclined to harm me then, just - warn me off what's his, and make it plain what he thinks of me. Lilith - Lilith has a strong effect on me,"

"You wanted t'jump'er too?" grunt'n stub out m'cig. "Swear, couldn't stand th'damn bitch, still wanted t'rip'at robe off'f'er. Ain't 'zactly subtle, neither, droolin' all over m'bloody neck..." leastit ain't jes' me, then.

"...'is Lugh seems kinda useless, don't'e?" Wonder 'bout'at. If'n I'd run inta somebody I knew'd been hurtin' m'girls, I would ripped'is skin off. But this fella... "'e runs inta yam makes some smart remarks'n walks off? Y'think'e's plannin' somethin' 'r jes' don't givva shit?" Either way, don't impress me much.

An'en feel'is hand under m'chin, turnin' m'head. Makin' me face'im. Still looks strange...still'ose shinin' eyes an'en striped face an'...I dunno. S'Tez an' not Tez an' Tez. An'e's jes' lookin' at me.

Tilt m'head t'one side, "See somethin' green?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"You wanted t'jump'er too? Swear, couldn't stand th'damn bitch, still wanted t'rip'at robe off'f'er. Ain't 'zactly subtle, neither, droolin' all over m'bloody neck..." Grinds out her cigarette hard.

"She does that," I say sourly. "Not just sex, either. Can get you fired up in all sorts of ways." Other lusts. Flesh seared off me in her fire stirs at the memory: skin peeled from her, fragments of flesh, and here is the master of all deserts, here is the master of all pitted places -

- she's talking about Lugh. "'e runs inta yam makes some smart remarks'n walks off? Y'think'e's plannin' somethin' 'r jes' don't givva shit?"

"More swirled and disappeared than walked, but yes. He seemed - distracted. He's either simpler than he seems, or a very, very good actor." The Liar God, Lucien's lodger called him. "I played with his girl again the other day. Maybe he'll be paying me another call soon. If he does, I shall have to see what he makes of Lilith. Or perhaps the girl herself would be more use. We enjoyed ourselves so much the other night."

Feel my smile stretch wide over needle teeth. He has come to eat.

She looks back when I look at her, head tilted: "See somethin' green?" Light words, but she's looking back at me thoughtfully. Assessing, I think. What does she make of me?

"What do you see?" Say it soft, without even deciding to. She's quiet, just looking. "Syl, honey?" I wonder if she'd flinch again, if I tried to kiss her now.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"More swirled and disappeared than walked, but yes. He seemed - distracted. He's either simpler than he seems, or a very, very good actor. I played with his girl again the other day. Maybe he'll be paying me another call soon. If he does, I shall have to see what he makes of Lilith. Or perhaps the girl herself would be more use. We enjoyed ourselves so much the other night."

Raise'n eyebrow. "Y'went after'er again? She dead'is time? Hope not...she helped Zann out th'other night. Few townies went after'er." Still don't like th'stupid cow, but she helped m'Zann. Earned'er right t'be left alone, least by me.

"What do you see?" 'e says, real quiet-like, like'e ain't sure. "Syl, honey?"

's a good bloody question, ain't it? What th'hell do I see?

"See you," s'what I fin'lly say. Guess't's a pretty bloody easy answer, bu's th'right one too. "See my Cat." S'all I bloody need t'see, dammit.

"What 'bout you? Whatchou see?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Y'went after'er again? She dead'is time? Hope not...she helped Zann out th'other night. Few townies went after'er."

"Actually, I bought her a drink. Because of what she did for Zann, partly." Still wondering at that a bit myself. "Or Lucien did, rather, though he doesn't know it yet. Several drinks." And fuck it, it's still funny. "Girl gets drunk quickly. Ended up - " laughing now " - raising a fucking zombie, Syl, or near as damnit. Funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. But no, worst harm she came to was a good scare and a few aching muscles from digging the thing's grave again."

And then the long silence, my hand on her face, and she says, "See you. See my Cat."

--might have cried, then, once. I wonder if it's a loss that I don't, now, though everything eases in me the way it does after tears finally come. If she can see that - if she can still see that - Hundreds of years of drink and denial and hating what I was, and after it all this woman sits here and looks at me and doesn't see a monster.

"What 'bout you? Whatchou see?"

No question what I see, even if it's not something she likes to hear. "Woman I've loved for years." For a moment I think of saying something poetic, perfect as I can, like I would to Iblis, but no. No. "You. Syl." Clumsy with words, like I've often been with her, and hope the touch of my hand on her face tells her everything I need her to know.

And I'm ready if she tries to push me in the fucking river again.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Actually, I bought her a drink. Because of what she did for Zann, partly. Or Lucien did, rather, though he doesn't know it yet. Several drinks."

Th'Doc? What th'hell's th'Doc got t'do wit'is?

"Girl gets drunk quickly. Ended up - raising a fucking zombie, Syl, or near as damnit. Funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. But no, worst harm she came to was a good scare and a few aching muscles from digging the thing's grave again."

Zombies. Fuckin'ell. "Good thin' I wuzn't 'ere, 'r I'd'a beatcha over th'damn head. Zombies, Tez. Jesus fuckin' wept. I gonna hafta start keepin' ya onna damn leash?" Funny talkin' t'im like'is when'e's lookin' th'way'e'is. Course, kinda like th'idea of keepin'at jaguar onna leash. Think 'bout strollin' through town wit'at big ol' cat onna leash at m'side. Wouldn'at be a picture?

An'en'e's lookin'at me, still weird eyes, still all needle-teeth an' shadowy face...an'e says, "Woman I've loved for years. You. Syl."

...he's 'spectin' me t'toss'im in th'river again. C'n tell jes' from th'way'e's lookin' at me. But think we gone beyond'at now. Still ain't happy 'bout'im lovin' me while he's screwin' Mr. Psycho Monster...but what'm I gonna do 'boutit? Can't make'im stop. Ain't sure I wanna make'im stop, if'n'm bein' honest. An' makin'im quit sayin'it ain't doin' nothin' but bullshittin' ourselves.

Tez loves me. I lovvim too. Shovin'im in th'river ain't gonna change'at none. Just wish'at bastard wuzzn't inna picture. Lean m'head 'gainst th'hand'at's cuppin' m'cheek.

S'o now we know what th'other's seein', c'n we figure out how t'get yer psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend outta th'damn whorehouse?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Good thin' I wuzn't 'ere, 'r I'd'a beatcha over th'damn head. Zombies, Tez. Jesus fuckin' wept. I gonna hafta start keepin' ya onna damn leash?"

"No need, Gaueko's little girl did it for you. Shovel to the back of the skull. Hurt like a son of a bitch." Love that she still talks to me like that. "And a leash, is it? Heard that before, from you." Think she likes the idea; can't say I object to it myself. I can almost taste the perversity of it on my tongue, mortal woman with a god collared at her heels. Not so very different, after all, from the god in flesh being broken open on his own altar by human hands.

When I say I love her, she doesn't go for me, doesn't move away, just rests her head in my hand. She'll hear it from me now, it seems, and that's an easing of its own. She, too, will let me love her.

"S'o now we know what th'other's seein', c'n we figure out how t'get yer psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend outta th'damn whorehouse?"

Laugh and drop my hand. Can't help feeling, though, that I've brought this down on her, on them. Down to me to do something about it.

"I'm guessing you wouldn't thank me asking him for help."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"No need, Gaueko's little girl did it for you. Shovel to the back of the skull. Hurt like a son of a bitch. And a leash, is it? Heard that before, from you."

"Dog god's gotta daughter?" Don't think'e's talkin' 'bout th'Russian chick. Don't sound like th'sorta thin' she'd do, not from what Zann wuz sayin'. "Somebody in town?" An' th'thought'a havin'im onna leash again....damned if'n'it don't make me smile. Played wit'at a bit, jes' me windin' a belt'r'a tie 'round'is neck while we wuz screwin' around, usin' it t'jerk'im 'round. Thought'a doin' it now, when'e's like'is...s'weird, but inna way s'even better. "Getcha a nice collar, huh? Mebbe a muzzle." Grin attim.

"I'm guessing you wouldn't thank me asking him for help."

Sigh. "Fuck, Tez, few minutes ago you wuz worried cuz'e' wuz sniffin' 'round Zann...now ya want'im right on th'Lot?" Shake m'head. "'e ain't gottour best int'rests't heart, Tez. Y'knowit. An' don't think'e feels too kindly t'wards me neither. Best t'leave'im out ovvit, I think. Gotta be some other way'a roustin'er."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Girl name of Glass. She's...an undertaker, or something. Likes her corpses, anyway." And then she gives me a look that I recognise very well, and adds, "Getcha a nice collar, huh? Mebbe a muzzle."

A muzzle? Feel myself bridle a bit at that, even as her look gets me hard. Getcha a nice collar. Oh, she'd like that. And I don't think I've found anything yet that Syl likes that I don't like. Slide my hand up into her hair: "You find it, honey, and I'll wear it for you."

Let my hand drop as she carries on. Really not the time. ""Fuck, Tez, few minutes ago you wuz worried cuz'e' wuz sniffin' 'round Zann...now ya want'im right on th'Lot? 'e ain't gottour best int'rests't heart, Tez. Y'knowit. An' don't think'e feels too kindly t'wards me neither. Best t'leave'im out ovvit, I think. Gotta be some other way'a roustin'er."

"Damnit, yes, I know." Shake my head. "Doesn't mean well to any of you. Wants me to be happy - " can't help adding that, " - but I don't like to imagine what he could do to the rest of you."

Think about it. Done a bit of reading on Lilith, that time I went by the library. "The god that made her drove her out, once...there's some folks in town worship him. They might know something. Or - I read one story that she can be cast out of somewhere if you know all her names. Thirteen of them. Think there's some kind of magic could work?"

Think of how I helped Kaeli, how Syl said what I did for her boosted her own powers. Wonder if there's something there.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Girl name of Glass. She's...an undertaker, or something. Likes her corpses, anyway."

....Glass? Th'herbalist? She's onna th'dog god's? Fuck, like Glass, s'much as I like most anybody. Helped me outta few times. Seemed like a nice chick, gotter head on straight. "Know'er. Seems like good folk, Tez...she follow th'bastard, or'e jes' squirt'er out?" Know from 'sperience'at jes' cuz they's related don't mean she's gotta like'im none.

"You find it, honey, and I'll wear it for you."

Still gets me, y'know, knowin'at'e'd bow down fer me, play kitty fer me. Saw'im r'fuse t'bow down fer Verdi...but'e'll do it fer me, an' mebbe fer th'psycho too, but don't like t'think 'bout'at so much. "Mebbe no muzzle," I says, likin' th'look innis eyes even if'ey's still all weird. "Wha's th'point've havin' somethin' like ya witcha if'n it can't bite, yeah?"

But'en we get back t'more serious shit. An' since when's'e got th'wherewithall t'stop'imself? Us'ally I'd hafta make'im back down 'fore'e'd quit pawin' me. But now'e jes' sighs 'n drops'is hand. "Damnit, yes, I know. Doesn't mean well to any of you. Wants me to be happy - but I don't like to imagine what he could do to the rest of you."

"Don't like it neither. S'why I don't wan'im on th'bloody Lot." Snort.

"The god that made her drove her out, once...there's some folks in town worship him. They might know something. Or - I read one story that she can be cast out of somewhere if you know all her names. Thirteen of them. Think there's some kind of magic could work?"

Nod slow, "Names got power," I says. Know 'e knowzat...seen th'way'e shivers when me 'r Genny say'is names. "Butcha gotta watchit. S'a give'n take...y'say th'name'a somethin't's weaker'n ya, ya got power over it. Butcha say th'name'a somethin't's stronger'n ya, an' ya give it power over you." Thirteen names, though... "Mebbe if'n we knew'em'all we could bind'er. Y'know alla somethin's names, that gives ya one helluva power overit." Drum m'fingers 'gainst th'sand. "Could work, if'n ye backed me up. But we gotta get our hands onnem first. Y'really think we's gonna find somethin' like'at in th'bloody church? Seems t'me if'n'ey got so much whammy over'er she'd keep'em right close." But mebbe not. Didn't seem so bright.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Know'er. Seems like good folk, Tez...she follow th'bastard, or'e jes' squirt'er out?"

"Thought she didn't get on with daddy, but they seemed pretty friendly the other night." Remember them smoking together, easy with each other. "Seen nothing bad about her, though. A little too ready to hit me with household implements, maybe. Two of you must get on like a house on fire."

"Wha's th'point've havin' somethin' like ya witcha if'n it can't bite, yeah?" - where's she imagining parading me, then? Thought makes me shiver a bit, and even less at the mercy of this flesh as I am the feeling stays with me after the conversation turns.

"Mebbe if'n we knew'em'all we could bind'er. Y'know alla somethin's names, that gives ya one helluva power overit. Could work, if'n ye backed me up. But we gotta get our hands onnem first. Y'really think we's gonna find somethin' like'at in th'bloody church? Seems t'me if'n'ey got so much whammy over'er she'd keep'em right close."

"Never been one for churches." Edge in my own voice, sharper than I meant. Churches built on land that was once sacred to me and mine, so much done in the name of their god, close-cousin to the god that drove Lilith out to torment us, the god that turned its back on Iblis and broke him down to what he is, and I will not go crawling to it, not even to get Lilith gone -

Bite the thought back down. Fuck it. If it's that or have her hurt people at the carnival - hurt Syl, maybe -

"People must have known, once, or they wouldn't know it would work. Must be out there somewhere. Syl - you went looking around the tower, that time I found you. Could you - does that - " Try and get my thoughts together. Try and swallow down the anger that's making my skin burn and the lingering thoughts of what she wants to do to me. "Is that the kind of thing that you could find? Her names?"

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Thought she didn't get on with daddy, but they seemed pretty friendly the other night. Seen nothing bad about her, though. A little too ready to hit me with household implements, maybe. Two of you must get on like a house on fire."

Grinnabit. "If'n she's willin' t'keep ya in line, can't be all bad." I says, knockin' an elbow 'gainst'im. "Well, ain't seen'er inna while. Mebbe look'er up. Don't seem badly inclined t'wards ya fer beatin'er daddy up, so likely she's a'right." From th'sounds'a thin's wuz more pissed 'bout th'bloody zombie, which's jes' right t'my mind.

Face goes all tight when I talk 'bout th'Church, lip curlin' back t'show sharp teeth. "Never been one for churches." Right, fuck, wuz sorta th'Church'at killed'is folk, right? Well, can't much blame'im innat case, can I?

"People must have known, once, or they wouldn't know it would work. Must be out there somewhere. Syl - you went looking around the tower, that time I found you. Could you - does that - Is that the kind of thing that you could find? Her names?"

Oh. Well.

Take a few secs t'fumble outta new cig an' gettit lit, take a good drag. "...y'know'at rite's tricky, Tez. Bloody risky. Fuck, y'saw what happened las' time, an' ain't th'first time's gone bad neither." Happened worse b'fore too...don't think I never came so close t'slippin' away b'fore, but wuzza few times I wuz out fer days, woulda died 'scept fer Tez sittin' wit' me'n tippin' water down m'throat. Yeah, been bad. "Wuz always a bloody risk, an's jes' gotten harder 's've gotten older." 'r mebbe when ya get older yer body jes' got less hold on yer soul. Fuck, I dunno.

"...'d need a place t'look. An' right now th'only place I c'n thinkov's th'bitch'erself. An'I c'n do at...c'n read minds when've gone astral, could prob'ly pick'er names outovver brain....if'n she wuz a normal chick. But she ain't. She'd spot me, like's not. An'I dunno she'd be's willin' t'jes' knock me out's yer boy wuz. Think she might try t'keep me 'round t'play wit'." If'n she didn' jes' try t'kill me.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I listen to what she says, and some of it makes me wince. Remember finding her on the floor and the way she looked, so ill and pale and far away. And the thought of her going near Lilith....

"'S fucking dangerous, I know. And I don't like the idea of you going near her if we can help it." If she hurt Syl, I'd do everything in my power to see her ended, not just evicted.

Think about her words, gone astral. It's not what I do, not quite where I take Genny, but there must be a bit of the inner worlds that's Lilith the way where Genny goes is me. Can I get there, or guide Syl there, and have Lilith not know it? Is there any kind of distraction that would keep her from noticing us, on the astral or elsewhere? "Might be other ways to come at her, too."

"And then there's Lugh, and I don't have a fucking idea where to start with him."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"'S fucking dangerous, I know. And I don't like the idea of you going near her if we can help it."

"If'n's th'only way, though, 'm willin' t'try. She's sniffin' after Zann too," mutter. Smoked m'cig near down t'th'filter. "Swear t'God, 'at girl jes' got trouble followin'er....no more sense'n a kitten sometimes."

"Might be other ways to come at her, too."

Look attim. Sure's hell looks dif'rent....tougher. "C'n ya fight'er, Tez? I mean...ye're lookin' lots stronger'n y'were. If'n me'n Genny helped y'out....'r th'other way 'round? If'n ya backed me, I could go in way we wuz talkin' 'bout wit'out me gettin' swatted?" Still risky, bu's a thought, ain't it?

"And then there's Lugh, and I don't have a fucking idea where to start with him."

"Way ye're talkin' 'bout'im, 'e ain't so tough's Lilith, right?" Think ferra sec, "Any way t'bind gods, 'r guard 'gainst'em? Gotta be rites ferrat, yeah? If'n we find th'right one, mebbe..." Keep'iom from settin' more fires too.