Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

[Lunchtime, Thursday, September 3rd]


Thought 'bout goin' down t'th'cafe fer lunch, but after th'meetin' wit'Slaughterman, when I saw all'em good ct'zens watchin' me. Figure if'n's like'at at th'bar, wha's gonna be like if'n'ey see me eatin' on Main Street? 'Spec'ally if'n'm 'lone...'n spec'ally given what happened t'poor Zann. If'n I wuz inna nastier mood I'd go out lookin' fer trouble...I ain't Zann, after all....but right now don't really feel like fightin'. So's I get m'self a sandwich at th'cook tent'n I head out t'th'river.

S'a nice 'nough day. Little warm, tail end'a summer'n all, but th'wind's comin' off'a th'water an' th'sun's out. Like it out'ere. Like it outside pure'n simple. Spent so long inna damn city, all smog'n concrete 'n dirt...bein' out'ere in th'green's still a bloody treat, even after so long.

Eat m'sandwich. Think. Ain't seen Tez inna few. Ain't's worried 'bout'im azzI wuz, not now'e's stayin' wit' th'Doc. Don't like th'Doc much, but'e'll keep Tez outta trouble. Still bit worried 'bout'im 'n Genny...ain't sure she knows what she's gettin' inta, an' ain't sure'e gets jes' how easily she c'n get hurt...jes' hopin' I c'n keep an eye on'em.

Finish m'food, light up a cig. Real pretty out. Inclined t'stay a while.


[OPEN to Tez and others]

Comments

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

It takes me longer than I thought it would to track Syl down. Wasn't in her wagon, wasn't at the cooktent, wasn't anywhere at the carnival... Someone at the cooktent said she'd been by earlier and taken food off with her, so I figure she's gone off somewhere.

Need to talk to her, though. In the long nights of not-sleeping and almost-dreaming I've been thinking about that conversation with Iblis, and what she needs to know. Thinking, too, about the whole night before the conversation, humanity peeling away like sloughed skin and what I am burning up from beneath it; about the way that the flat mortal world keeps sideways out of my vision to show the bones of the true world beneath it.

Not the man I was the last time I saw her. Need to know if she can handle that.

Try looking for her at my truck, in case she went to look for me there. Got to find somewhere to keep it, can't damn well leave it here for much longer. Inside it's small and dim and cramped, faded, but familiar enough to make something in my chest hurt like swallowing a splinter of bone. For a moment all I want is to be waking up in that lopsided bed, sounds of the living lot around me and knowing that there's nothing ahead but a slow day and a night show, coffee at the cooktent and time talking with Syl, and the next day or the day after moving on, again and again....

Couldn't go back if I wanted to, changed as I am. And except for that small sharp moment, I don't want to. Too far gone for that now.

Walk along the river and find her in the end, sitting peaceful-looking and smoking. Wonder if word of the zombie's reached the show yet?

"Hey, Syl."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Hey Syl."

Oh, speak'a th'bloody devil. Turn 'round, ready t'smile 'n gettim t'sit down. Miss havin' Tez 'round. Drives ya bloody batshit halfa th'time, but miss th'li'l things. Havin' coffee wit'im in th'morning, sittin' down next t'im at th'cooktent fer lunch, havin' somebody drop down b'side ya when ye're sittin'n smokin'. Miss havin' a friend 'round th'place. So'm glad t'hear Tez's voice, really am.

But...when I turn 'round'n see'im, ferra second'e looks like a bloody stranger. Looks like'e's dressed up inna weird costume'at don't fittim well, like'ere's somethin' new crawlin' under'is skin. Magic b'hind'is eyes, an'th'li'l bittovvis power I got crawlin' in me now flares up, an' ferra sec's makin' me right dizzy. Ferra sec I hear th'ax in th'wood...but jes' ferra sec.

"Hey Tez," I says, an' nod t'im. "Join me?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Her face changes when she sees me, all the relaxation going out of her. Doesn't smile like she normally does, just looks up at me. Sharp prickle of something between us, call in me and response in her.

But she nods at me like she's always done. "Hey Tez. Join me?"

I ease myself down beside her. "The weather's better," I say, and steal one of her cigarettes. "And - things seem quiet. I thought I'd come and find you."

Everything I want to tell her is burning in my brain. Him white flame against and within me and the dust of stars, all the wild dark that Lilith brought rising up in me - and what he will do, and what he wants, and it's pushing at the inside of my skin as I look at her.

Focus down sharp on her, here in the warm summer world. She looks smaller than usual, more worn, older: more human. I can see the tiny webbing of lines in her skin, and ageing itself seems in this moment like art, slow change of flesh through time.

Still so beautiful, my Syl, even through these eyes.

"Need to talk to you, Syl."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Sits down, slow foldin' like'a cat layin' down, curlin'its tail 'round its paws. "The weather's better. And - things seem quiet. I thought I'd come and find you." 'e says, filchin'a cig. May looka bit weird, butat there's pure Tez.

"'m gladja did," I says. An'I am, no matter how strange'e might be lookin', no matter th'power rollin' offim like static. "Missed havin' ya 'round, y'know." Halfa th'time 'm workin' in m'wagon an'I turn m'head, 'spectin' t'see'im snoozin' on m'bunk 'er leafin' through m'books. S'jes onna those thin's.

C'n feel'im lookin' at me. Ain't sure why. Stares at me like a cat'll stare at nothin' sometimes, 'r at those thin's only a cat c'n see. S'why so many witches keep'em 'round...cats see lotsa shit we can't 'r won't. Me, can't stand th'bloody things. Never did take t'th'idea'a keepin' one.

An'en gotta choke back'is fuckin' yodelin' laugh. Cuzzi gotta cat, don't I? One helluva big, fuckin' crazy cat, an'e's all mine, ain't'e? Who says I don't like cats?

"Need to talk to you, Syl."

Sigh smoke through m'nose, "If'n ye've killed Genny, ye're gettin' another trip t'th'bottom'a th'river."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"If'n ye've killed Genny, ye're gettin' another trip t'th'bottom'a th'river."

Almost swallow my cigarette. "Oh, fuck, no." Startlement gives me that fraying feeling, self shocked apart a step further out of humanity. "Nothing like that. Just...."

Pull myself together - literally and figuratively - and look at her. "Saw him the other night. Well, him and that bitch Lilith. And she - I - "

Okay. Important thing first. "I talked to him about Genny. What he - Danika - wanted with her. And he said, patterns. Power in her, and she sees patterns." And, yes, the other thing that means, unhappy with Zann as I am. "And does that remind you of anyone else we know?"

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Hear'im choke onnis cig. "Oh, fuck, no. Nothing like that. Just...."

Guess'e really is tryin' wit' Genny. Looks like th'thought'a hurtin'er really gets t'im. A'right, mebbe lay off ovvim a bit...but Jesus fuck, wan'im t'get at'e needs t'be careful 'round'er. Need'im t'understand'at.

'e sighs. "Saw him the other night. Well, him and that bitch Lilith. And she - I - "

Oh, good, lookin' t'talk t'im about'at, an' sounds like'e don't like Lily none either. Hopin' it'll make it easier fer me t'gettim t'help roust'er from th'damn Grindhouse.

"I talked to him about Genny. What he - Danika - wanted with her. And he said, patterns. Power in her, and she sees patterns." And, yes, the other thing that means, unhappy with Zann as I am. "And does that remind you of anyone else we know?"

Sigh. Light up another cig. "Great, Tez. This's jes' fantastic. First'e goes fer Genny, an' now 'e's after Zann. Tha's just fuckin' marvellous. Can I ask whatcha did t'mebbe try'n dissuade 'im?" Gotta good idea, m'self.

"An' by th'way, 'that bitch Lilith' 's workin' at th'bloody Grindhouse. An' seemed mighty int'rested in gettin' t'know me'n you."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Great, Tez. This's jes' fantastic. First'e goes fer Genny, an' now 'e's after Zann. Tha's just fuckin' marvellous. Can I ask whatcha did t'mebbe try'n dissuade 'im?"

"He knows now that Genny's mine." It comes out not sharply, but with level force behind it. "I have his promise that her life's safe from him, and more besides." Danika in my lap, her fingers light on my face and throat, and I would not ask of Genny anything you would wish her to keep. "And Zann...I've said nothing of her - peculiarities - to him. So unless someone else - "

And abruptly I'm reminded of just such a someone else, someone with more information than they should have. "Syl. Kaeli's god, Lugh. He has been hanging around the living lot, I think, or has some other way of spying - he knows things he should have no way of knowing. That Genny is something to me, for one thing, and how could he know that? And he was the one who set the fire, too."

He's not the only one, it seems: ""An' by th'way, 'that bitch Lilith' 's workin' at th'bloody Grindhouse. An' seemed mighty int'rested in gettin' t'know me'n you."

The anger comes up like a white wave, and I cannot look human now; oh, not very human at all, all teeth and dark angles. For a moment I can taste Lilith's heart in my mouth and myself all burned to bone, and I remember Iblis' boon and oh, how I shall hurt you, Lilith. I dreamed of that the other night, in one of my brief drifts into sleep, you trapped in human shape and how your skin would peel back, how I would slowly unthread all the small veins of your arm and hand....

Pull myself back to myself. I will have her yet, but Syl must be warned. And my Genny, there with her every day, and Lilith knowing what she knows - "Do you know what she is? Succubus and thing of fire, all malice and simpering spite? She is his, you know. And she hates me." Shake my head, hard and angry. "She has no business being there. No business at all."

And neither do I, now, but Genny, but Syl and her girls, the women of the Grindhouse and all those people I have known, human and vulnerable to her. Oh, Lilith, I will find a way.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"He knows now that Genny's mine." It comes out not sharply, but with level force behind it. "I have his promise that her life's safe from him, and more besides." Danika in my lap, her fingers light on my face and throat, and I would not ask of Genny anything you would wish her to keep. "And Zann...I've said nothing of her - peculiarities - to him. So unless someone else - "

Oh, good. So th'big plan's t'keep'im from gettin'a close lookat Zann. Great. An'if'e duz, then what, huh? Then what th'fuck we gonna do, Tez?

"Syl. Kaeli's god, Lugh. He has been hanging around the living lot, I think, or has some other way of spying - he knows things he should have no way of knowing. That Genny is something to me, for one thing, and how could he know that? And he was the one who set the fire, too."

Sigh summore. "Figured't had somethin' t'do wit'at mess. Z'e plannin' t'do anythin' b'yond peepin' in windows 'n writin' nasty articles?" Don't like th'idea'a him learnin' our secrets, nottat fuckin' all. Gotta be somethin' we c'n do t'keep'im away. "How's'e know 'bout you'n Genny, anyway? Only time you guys talked, least t'my mind, wuzzat m'wagon, an'I don't recall nobody lurkin' 'round."

An'en...holy fuckin' shit. Wuzzis what Genny'n Zann saw'at night on th'lot? Wuzzis what ev'rybody saw? Cuz no fuckin' wonder'ey chucked'im out, if'n'at's th'case. Ferra sec Tez's face's'is weird mix'a cat'n man 'n not, all sharp teeth 'n lines 'n shadows 'n eyes like light on water. Ferra sec'ere's blood onnis lips an'is chest an'is voice's a jaguar-scream. Bloody shit.

Pullin' back 'fore I c'n stop m'self, but'en's done, an'm makin' myself settle. 's Tez, dammit. No matter what'e bloody looks like. S'still my goddamn Tez. "Do you know what she is? Succubus and thing of fire, all malice and simpering spite? She is his, you know. And she hates me. She has no business being there. No business at all."

"Know what she is," I nod, "Thought tellin' me wuzza great big laugh. Didn't take'it so well when I laughed atter, though." Still makes me smile'at. Jes' took th'right sorta mot'vation t'make'er lie down, yeah? "Think she wuz tryin' t'fuck wit'me, mebbe get t'you through me, so guess th'feelin's mut'al." Pause'n take a drag on m'cig. "But ye're'is too, ain'tcha, Tez? So'zzat a reason fer me t'hate'er now?" Int'restin' rationale there.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Oh, Syl, don't flinch from me, please don't.... Dim human thought through the anger, until she squares her shoulders and looks right at me. Remember her hand closing around my heart, well-known scars on slick muscle, and...Syl.

At least she knows what Lilith is. The idea that she's made an enemy of Lilith concerns me, but I should have known Syl would see through whatever pretence Lilith had made.

"But ye're'is too, ain'tcha, Tez? So'zzat a reason fer me t'hate'er now?"

His. Some deep-down part of me rebels at that, but it's true, and there's an ease in it, like letting out a long-held breath, like tense muscles unknotting. Like the moment out under the sky when I gave everything up to him (I want you/take me) and I'll think later on why the deep comfort in that fall into belonging. For now -

"Not a reason to hate her, but a reason not to trust her, certainly. Shit, Syl, I'd tell most people not to trust me. Even when I was a man." Wonder how the fuck we can get her out of there.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Not a reason to hate her, but a reason not to trust her, certainly. Shit, Syl, I'd tell most people not to trust me. Even when I was a man."

...dunno whyat upsets me's muchazzit duz. Said it plenty'a times m'self, ain't I? Said I can't trust Tez, said other folks shouldn't trust Tez. Known it ferra lon' time...so why's it sound so bad comin' outta 'is mouth?

Mebbe cuzzit means'e's given up.

Ain't sayin' I can't trust'im, though, so I guess'at's somethin'. "So what we gonna do 'bout it? I ain't'a match for'er, so ain't no chance I c'n get up wards'at'll keep'er out...any way y'know ferrus t'get'er th'hell out? An' what 'bout'is other guy?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"So what we gonna do 'bout it? I ain't'a match for'er, so ain't no chance I c'n get up wards'at'll keep'er out...any way y'know ferrus t'get'er th'hell out? An' what 'bout'is other guy?"

Fucked if I know. There's Iblis' boon, but I'm reluctant to tell Syl that I chose to ask for the power to hurt someone, rather than anything else. And Syl looks tired enough as it is, and more tired for what I said.

Put my arm round her. "I've...got no power over her. I can hurt her...I think...but prying her out of there - that could be difficult. Especially if she's there to spite me. And if she has other reasons for being there - and as for Lugh - "

I hate feeling helpless like this, and I'm fighting to hold myself together. Don't want to see that look on Syl's face again, and yet.

"Syl. I'll find a way. I'm - changing, remembering things. Maybe something in me can stop her." Changing, oh yes. Iblis jackal-formed under my hands, stars and the sound of the axe and Danika held down under me. My arm tightens round her, half protective and half fierce.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Guess't kinda startles me'at he puts anarm 'round me. Guess wit'at face'e put on wuzn't expectin' somethin' so...so human, mebbe? S'much like my ol' Tez? I dunno. But'm glad'e when'e duzzit. Glad fer th'fuckin' reminder. Folks wonder why I stay wit' Tez, since I can't bloody rely onnim. And sometimes they's right...can't rely onnim t'quit cheatin', or t'keep'is pants up, 'r t'keep sober, 'r t'stay outta trouble, 'r t'not say stupid shit....but when th'shit's hit th'fan, when m'back's 'gainst th'fuckin' wall an'ere's knives at m'throat an' blood on h'floor...Tez's there. Tez's there, an'e's got m'back, an' we'll patch each other up when's done. C'n rely onnim fer that, annat's what counts. Least t'me.

"I've...got no power over her. I can hurt her...I think...but prying her out of there - that could be difficult. Especially if she's there to spite me. And if she has other reasons for being there - and as for Lugh - Syl. I'll find a way. I'm - changing, remembering things. Maybe something in me can stop her."

Lean onnim a bit. "Know ye're changin'," I says after a minute, "Gettin' hard t'ignore, y'know. More'a....more'a th'god's comin' out, yeah?" Hard t'think 'bout how I feel 'bout'at. S'still Tez, yeah? But Tez azza god, Tez azzat headless ghost 'n weird'ass bird an' jaguar an' thin'at made th'world an' ripped folks hearts out...s'somethin' t'chew over. "Can't have you'n Lily dukin' it out in th'fuckin' Grindhouse. Won't solve bloody nothin'." Won't gettim back inta th'Carnival neither, if'n'at's still what'e wants. "Annis Lugh...if'n'e's sniffin' 'round...."

Oh, hey. There's a thought. "Those two know 'bout each other?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Know ye're changin'. Gettin' hard t'ignore, y'know."

"I - " I want to say I'm sorry, but it wouldn't be true any more. She's leaning up against me, though, and that's something, that's good: not flinching away from me. Resting up against me like nothing's changed, like we're still just two friends talking in the early fall light. If I was something else, I'd pray it was true. Kiss the side of her head, dark hair and the smell of her. "I know," I say. "And yes, more of - the god. Of what I was. Am." Feel awkward talking about it with her, like it was almost something shameful.

"Can't have you'n Lily dukin' it out in th'fuckin' Grindhouse. Won't solve bloody nothin'. Annis Lugh...if'n'e's sniffin' 'round....Those two know 'bout each other?"

Briefly imagine what that kind of showdown int he Grindhouse would look like. Cross between Lucien's apartment and the midway that night, i reckon, and with what Lilith brings out in me..don't want to be anywhere near my people if that happens. "Lugh and Lilith.... That they're both sneaking around the lot, you mean? Never thought of that. Are they working together...? "Lugh's sympathies aren't exactly in the same place as mine. But then, LIlith isn't always that flattering about him either, for all they've been - close- for so long." LIttle taste of bile in my throat. "I don't think they're together in this, though. Whether or not that's better - " Not sure which is worse, them allied or two enemies distinct. Fuck it.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Starts t'say somethin', an'en jes' sighs 'n kisses th'side'a m'head. Tha's Tez, right there. Always did like t'kiss. An' me, kinda learned t'like bein' kissed too. 'specially by Tez. "I know. And yes, more of - the god. Of what I was. Am."

Okay. C'n learn t'deal wittis. Ain't like I never knew wuz somethin' weird 'bout Tez, right? Just...turned out t'be a lot weirder 'n I thought.

"Lugh and Lilith.... That they're both sneaking around the lot, you mean? Lugh's sympathies aren't exactly in the same place as mine. But then, Lilith isn't always that flattering about him either, for all they've been - close- for so long. I don't think they're together in this, though. Whether or not that's better - "

"Ain't thinkin'ey's t'gether," I says, but if'n'ey don't get along, mebbe we c'n play'em off'f each other, yeah? Two birds, one rock, right?" Wond'rin' how we'd go 'boutat...if'n she managed t'drive Lugh off an' Lugh managed t'out her...mebbe...

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"If'n'ey don't get along, mebbe we c'n play'em off'f each other, yeah? Two birds, one rock, right?"

"Jesus, not where to start, but...." It's an idea. Set Lugh and Lilith at each other's throats, and get both of them out from where they've no business being - and, if I'm lucky, turn their attention away from me and mine. "Must be a way to do it. Only met Lugh the once, and he didn't seem inclined to harm me then, just - warn me off what's his, and make it plain what he thinks of me. Lilith - Lilith has a strong effect on me," I add ruefully.

Or I let her. Let her pull me that much further from what I was and into what I am. Very aware, again, of what Syl is beside me, mortal-animal but full of her own kind of fire and will.

She laughed while she unravelled me, Lilith, and watched me reform myself. And Iblis, glad every time I take a step further from being like Syl. Not what I was, though, before I was human. Learned too much, changed. Does he think I will stop loving her?

I have never thought of him as a fool.

Turn Syl's face round to me for a moment and look at her, out of the darkness behind my eyes. So small, so very breakable, fierce little spark. And yet she's looked after me so many times, and she's sitting here with her jaw set talking about driving out the Mother of Demons and Kaeli's Liar God.

Bravest damn woman I've ever known, and every part of me is drawn to that, man and god and monster. Beauty and strength, leaping laughter and delicious languor, force and fire, are of us.... More than one place to find that.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Jesus, not where to start, but....Must be a way to do it. Only met Lugh the once, and he didn't seem inclined to harm me then, just - warn me off what's his, and make it plain what he thinks of me. Lilith - Lilith has a strong effect on me,"

"You wanted t'jump'er too?" grunt'n stub out m'cig. "Swear, couldn't stand th'damn bitch, still wanted t'rip'at robe off'f'er. Ain't 'zactly subtle, neither, droolin' all over m'bloody neck..." leastit ain't jes' me, then.

"...'is Lugh seems kinda useless, don't'e?" Wonder 'bout'at. If'n I'd run inta somebody I knew'd been hurtin' m'girls, I would ripped'is skin off. But this fella... "'e runs inta yam makes some smart remarks'n walks off? Y'think'e's plannin' somethin' 'r jes' don't givva shit?" Either way, don't impress me much.

An'en feel'is hand under m'chin, turnin' m'head. Makin' me face'im. Still looks strange...still'ose shinin' eyes an'en striped face an'...I dunno. S'Tez an' not Tez an' Tez. An'e's jes' lookin' at me.

Tilt m'head t'one side, "See somethin' green?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"You wanted t'jump'er too? Swear, couldn't stand th'damn bitch, still wanted t'rip'at robe off'f'er. Ain't 'zactly subtle, neither, droolin' all over m'bloody neck..." Grinds out her cigarette hard.

"She does that," I say sourly. "Not just sex, either. Can get you fired up in all sorts of ways." Other lusts. Flesh seared off me in her fire stirs at the memory: skin peeled from her, fragments of flesh, and here is the master of all deserts, here is the master of all pitted places -

- she's talking about Lugh. "'e runs inta yam makes some smart remarks'n walks off? Y'think'e's plannin' somethin' 'r jes' don't givva shit?"

"More swirled and disappeared than walked, but yes. He seemed - distracted. He's either simpler than he seems, or a very, very good actor." The Liar God, Lucien's lodger called him. "I played with his girl again the other day. Maybe he'll be paying me another call soon. If he does, I shall have to see what he makes of Lilith. Or perhaps the girl herself would be more use. We enjoyed ourselves so much the other night."

Feel my smile stretch wide over needle teeth. He has come to eat.

She looks back when I look at her, head tilted: "See somethin' green?" Light words, but she's looking back at me thoughtfully. Assessing, I think. What does she make of me?

"What do you see?" Say it soft, without even deciding to. She's quiet, just looking. "Syl, honey?" I wonder if she'd flinch again, if I tried to kiss her now.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"More swirled and disappeared than walked, but yes. He seemed - distracted. He's either simpler than he seems, or a very, very good actor. I played with his girl again the other day. Maybe he'll be paying me another call soon. If he does, I shall have to see what he makes of Lilith. Or perhaps the girl herself would be more use. We enjoyed ourselves so much the other night."

Raise'n eyebrow. "Y'went after'er again? She dead'is time? Hope not...she helped Zann out th'other night. Few townies went after'er." Still don't like th'stupid cow, but she helped m'Zann. Earned'er right t'be left alone, least by me.

"What do you see?" 'e says, real quiet-like, like'e ain't sure. "Syl, honey?"

's a good bloody question, ain't it? What th'hell do I see?

"See you," s'what I fin'lly say. Guess't's a pretty bloody easy answer, bu's th'right one too. "See my Cat." S'all I bloody need t'see, dammit.

"What 'bout you? Whatchou see?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Y'went after'er again? She dead'is time? Hope not...she helped Zann out th'other night. Few townies went after'er."

"Actually, I bought her a drink. Because of what she did for Zann, partly." Still wondering at that a bit myself. "Or Lucien did, rather, though he doesn't know it yet. Several drinks." And fuck it, it's still funny. "Girl gets drunk quickly. Ended up - " laughing now " - raising a fucking zombie, Syl, or near as damnit. Funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. But no, worst harm she came to was a good scare and a few aching muscles from digging the thing's grave again."

And then the long silence, my hand on her face, and she says, "See you. See my Cat."

--might have cried, then, once. I wonder if it's a loss that I don't, now, though everything eases in me the way it does after tears finally come. If she can see that - if she can still see that - Hundreds of years of drink and denial and hating what I was, and after it all this woman sits here and looks at me and doesn't see a monster.

"What 'bout you? Whatchou see?"

No question what I see, even if it's not something she likes to hear. "Woman I've loved for years." For a moment I think of saying something poetic, perfect as I can, like I would to Iblis, but no. No. "You. Syl." Clumsy with words, like I've often been with her, and hope the touch of my hand on her face tells her everything I need her to know.

And I'm ready if she tries to push me in the fucking river again.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Actually, I bought her a drink. Because of what she did for Zann, partly. Or Lucien did, rather, though he doesn't know it yet. Several drinks."

Th'Doc? What th'hell's th'Doc got t'do wit'is?

"Girl gets drunk quickly. Ended up - raising a fucking zombie, Syl, or near as damnit. Funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. But no, worst harm she came to was a good scare and a few aching muscles from digging the thing's grave again."

Zombies. Fuckin'ell. "Good thin' I wuzn't 'ere, 'r I'd'a beatcha over th'damn head. Zombies, Tez. Jesus fuckin' wept. I gonna hafta start keepin' ya onna damn leash?" Funny talkin' t'im like'is when'e's lookin' th'way'e'is. Course, kinda like th'idea of keepin'at jaguar onna leash. Think 'bout strollin' through town wit'at big ol' cat onna leash at m'side. Wouldn'at be a picture?

An'en'e's lookin'at me, still weird eyes, still all needle-teeth an' shadowy face...an'e says, "Woman I've loved for years. You. Syl."

...he's 'spectin' me t'toss'im in th'river again. C'n tell jes' from th'way'e's lookin' at me. But think we gone beyond'at now. Still ain't happy 'bout'im lovin' me while he's screwin' Mr. Psycho Monster...but what'm I gonna do 'boutit? Can't make'im stop. Ain't sure I wanna make'im stop, if'n'm bein' honest. An' makin'im quit sayin'it ain't doin' nothin' but bullshittin' ourselves.

Tez loves me. I lovvim too. Shovin'im in th'river ain't gonna change'at none. Just wish'at bastard wuzzn't inna picture. Lean m'head 'gainst th'hand'at's cuppin' m'cheek.

S'o now we know what th'other's seein', c'n we figure out how t'get yer psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend outta th'damn whorehouse?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Good thin' I wuzn't 'ere, 'r I'd'a beatcha over th'damn head. Zombies, Tez. Jesus fuckin' wept. I gonna hafta start keepin' ya onna damn leash?"

"No need, Gaueko's little girl did it for you. Shovel to the back of the skull. Hurt like a son of a bitch." Love that she still talks to me like that. "And a leash, is it? Heard that before, from you." Think she likes the idea; can't say I object to it myself. I can almost taste the perversity of it on my tongue, mortal woman with a god collared at her heels. Not so very different, after all, from the god in flesh being broken open on his own altar by human hands.

When I say I love her, she doesn't go for me, doesn't move away, just rests her head in my hand. She'll hear it from me now, it seems, and that's an easing of its own. She, too, will let me love her.

"S'o now we know what th'other's seein', c'n we figure out how t'get yer psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend outta th'damn whorehouse?"

Laugh and drop my hand. Can't help feeling, though, that I've brought this down on her, on them. Down to me to do something about it.

"I'm guessing you wouldn't thank me asking him for help."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"No need, Gaueko's little girl did it for you. Shovel to the back of the skull. Hurt like a son of a bitch. And a leash, is it? Heard that before, from you."

"Dog god's gotta daughter?" Don't think'e's talkin' 'bout th'Russian chick. Don't sound like th'sorta thin' she'd do, not from what Zann wuz sayin'. "Somebody in town?" An' th'thought'a havin'im onna leash again....damned if'n'it don't make me smile. Played wit'at a bit, jes' me windin' a belt'r'a tie 'round'is neck while we wuz screwin' around, usin' it t'jerk'im 'round. Thought'a doin' it now, when'e's like'is...s'weird, but inna way s'even better. "Getcha a nice collar, huh? Mebbe a muzzle." Grin attim.

"I'm guessing you wouldn't thank me asking him for help."

Sigh. "Fuck, Tez, few minutes ago you wuz worried cuz'e' wuz sniffin' 'round Zann...now ya want'im right on th'Lot?" Shake m'head. "'e ain't gottour best int'rests't heart, Tez. Y'knowit. An' don't think'e feels too kindly t'wards me neither. Best t'leave'im out ovvit, I think. Gotta be some other way'a roustin'er."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Girl name of Glass. She's...an undertaker, or something. Likes her corpses, anyway." And then she gives me a look that I recognise very well, and adds, "Getcha a nice collar, huh? Mebbe a muzzle."

A muzzle? Feel myself bridle a bit at that, even as her look gets me hard. Getcha a nice collar. Oh, she'd like that. And I don't think I've found anything yet that Syl likes that I don't like. Slide my hand up into her hair: "You find it, honey, and I'll wear it for you."

Let my hand drop as she carries on. Really not the time. ""Fuck, Tez, few minutes ago you wuz worried cuz'e' wuz sniffin' 'round Zann...now ya want'im right on th'Lot? 'e ain't gottour best int'rests't heart, Tez. Y'knowit. An' don't think'e feels too kindly t'wards me neither. Best t'leave'im out ovvit, I think. Gotta be some other way'a roustin'er."

"Damnit, yes, I know." Shake my head. "Doesn't mean well to any of you. Wants me to be happy - " can't help adding that, " - but I don't like to imagine what he could do to the rest of you."

Think about it. Done a bit of reading on Lilith, that time I went by the library. "The god that made her drove her out, once...there's some folks in town worship him. They might know something. Or - I read one story that she can be cast out of somewhere if you know all her names. Thirteen of them. Think there's some kind of magic could work?"

Think of how I helped Kaeli, how Syl said what I did for her boosted her own powers. Wonder if there's something there.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Girl name of Glass. She's...an undertaker, or something. Likes her corpses, anyway."

....Glass? Th'herbalist? She's onna th'dog god's? Fuck, like Glass, s'much as I like most anybody. Helped me outta few times. Seemed like a nice chick, gotter head on straight. "Know'er. Seems like good folk, Tez...she follow th'bastard, or'e jes' squirt'er out?" Know from 'sperience'at jes' cuz they's related don't mean she's gotta like'im none.

"You find it, honey, and I'll wear it for you."

Still gets me, y'know, knowin'at'e'd bow down fer me, play kitty fer me. Saw'im r'fuse t'bow down fer Verdi...but'e'll do it fer me, an' mebbe fer th'psycho too, but don't like t'think 'bout'at so much. "Mebbe no muzzle," I says, likin' th'look innis eyes even if'ey's still all weird. "Wha's th'point've havin' somethin' like ya witcha if'n it can't bite, yeah?"

But'en we get back t'more serious shit. An' since when's'e got th'wherewithall t'stop'imself? Us'ally I'd hafta make'im back down 'fore'e'd quit pawin' me. But now'e jes' sighs 'n drops'is hand. "Damnit, yes, I know. Doesn't mean well to any of you. Wants me to be happy - but I don't like to imagine what he could do to the rest of you."

"Don't like it neither. S'why I don't wan'im on th'bloody Lot." Snort.

"The god that made her drove her out, once...there's some folks in town worship him. They might know something. Or - I read one story that she can be cast out of somewhere if you know all her names. Thirteen of them. Think there's some kind of magic could work?"

Nod slow, "Names got power," I says. Know 'e knowzat...seen th'way'e shivers when me 'r Genny say'is names. "Butcha gotta watchit. S'a give'n take...y'say th'name'a somethin't's weaker'n ya, ya got power over it. Butcha say th'name'a somethin't's stronger'n ya, an' ya give it power over you." Thirteen names, though... "Mebbe if'n we knew'em'all we could bind'er. Y'know alla somethin's names, that gives ya one helluva power overit." Drum m'fingers 'gainst th'sand. "Could work, if'n ye backed me up. But we gotta get our hands onnem first. Y'really think we's gonna find somethin' like'at in th'bloody church? Seems t'me if'n'ey got so much whammy over'er she'd keep'em right close." But mebbe not. Didn't seem so bright.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Know'er. Seems like good folk, Tez...she follow th'bastard, or'e jes' squirt'er out?"

"Thought she didn't get on with daddy, but they seemed pretty friendly the other night." Remember them smoking together, easy with each other. "Seen nothing bad about her, though. A little too ready to hit me with household implements, maybe. Two of you must get on like a house on fire."

"Wha's th'point've havin' somethin' like ya witcha if'n it can't bite, yeah?" - where's she imagining parading me, then? Thought makes me shiver a bit, and even less at the mercy of this flesh as I am the feeling stays with me after the conversation turns.

"Mebbe if'n we knew'em'all we could bind'er. Y'know alla somethin's names, that gives ya one helluva power overit. Could work, if'n ye backed me up. But we gotta get our hands onnem first. Y'really think we's gonna find somethin' like'at in th'bloody church? Seems t'me if'n'ey got so much whammy over'er she'd keep'em right close."

"Never been one for churches." Edge in my own voice, sharper than I meant. Churches built on land that was once sacred to me and mine, so much done in the name of their god, close-cousin to the god that drove Lilith out to torment us, the god that turned its back on Iblis and broke him down to what he is, and I will not go crawling to it, not even to get Lilith gone -

Bite the thought back down. Fuck it. If it's that or have her hurt people at the carnival - hurt Syl, maybe -

"People must have known, once, or they wouldn't know it would work. Must be out there somewhere. Syl - you went looking around the tower, that time I found you. Could you - does that - " Try and get my thoughts together. Try and swallow down the anger that's making my skin burn and the lingering thoughts of what she wants to do to me. "Is that the kind of thing that you could find? Her names?"

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"Thought she didn't get on with daddy, but they seemed pretty friendly the other night. Seen nothing bad about her, though. A little too ready to hit me with household implements, maybe. Two of you must get on like a house on fire."

Grinnabit. "If'n she's willin' t'keep ya in line, can't be all bad." I says, knockin' an elbow 'gainst'im. "Well, ain't seen'er inna while. Mebbe look'er up. Don't seem badly inclined t'wards ya fer beatin'er daddy up, so likely she's a'right." From th'sounds'a thin's wuz more pissed 'bout th'bloody zombie, which's jes' right t'my mind.

Face goes all tight when I talk 'bout th'Church, lip curlin' back t'show sharp teeth. "Never been one for churches." Right, fuck, wuz sorta th'Church'at killed'is folk, right? Well, can't much blame'im innat case, can I?

"People must have known, once, or they wouldn't know it would work. Must be out there somewhere. Syl - you went looking around the tower, that time I found you. Could you - does that - Is that the kind of thing that you could find? Her names?"

Oh. Well.

Take a few secs t'fumble outta new cig an' gettit lit, take a good drag. "...y'know'at rite's tricky, Tez. Bloody risky. Fuck, y'saw what happened las' time, an' ain't th'first time's gone bad neither." Happened worse b'fore too...don't think I never came so close t'slippin' away b'fore, but wuzza few times I wuz out fer days, woulda died 'scept fer Tez sittin' wit' me'n tippin' water down m'throat. Yeah, been bad. "Wuz always a bloody risk, an's jes' gotten harder 's've gotten older." 'r mebbe when ya get older yer body jes' got less hold on yer soul. Fuck, I dunno.

"...'d need a place t'look. An' right now th'only place I c'n thinkov's th'bitch'erself. An'I c'n do at...c'n read minds when've gone astral, could prob'ly pick'er names outovver brain....if'n she wuz a normal chick. But she ain't. She'd spot me, like's not. An'I dunno she'd be's willin' t'jes' knock me out's yer boy wuz. Think she might try t'keep me 'round t'play wit'." If'n she didn' jes' try t'kill me.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I listen to what she says, and some of it makes me wince. Remember finding her on the floor and the way she looked, so ill and pale and far away. And the thought of her going near Lilith....

"'S fucking dangerous, I know. And I don't like the idea of you going near her if we can help it." If she hurt Syl, I'd do everything in my power to see her ended, not just evicted.

Think about her words, gone astral. It's not what I do, not quite where I take Genny, but there must be a bit of the inner worlds that's Lilith the way where Genny goes is me. Can I get there, or guide Syl there, and have Lilith not know it? Is there any kind of distraction that would keep her from noticing us, on the astral or elsewhere? "Might be other ways to come at her, too."

"And then there's Lugh, and I don't have a fucking idea where to start with him."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"'S fucking dangerous, I know. And I don't like the idea of you going near her if we can help it."

"If'n's th'only way, though, 'm willin' t'try. She's sniffin' after Zann too," mutter. Smoked m'cig near down t'th'filter. "Swear t'God, 'at girl jes' got trouble followin'er....no more sense'n a kitten sometimes."

"Might be other ways to come at her, too."

Look attim. Sure's hell looks dif'rent....tougher. "C'n ya fight'er, Tez? I mean...ye're lookin' lots stronger'n y'were. If'n me'n Genny helped y'out....'r th'other way 'round? If'n ya backed me, I could go in way we wuz talkin' 'bout wit'out me gettin' swatted?" Still risky, bu's a thought, ain't it?

"And then there's Lugh, and I don't have a fucking idea where to start with him."

"Way ye're talkin' 'bout'im, 'e ain't so tough's Lilith, right?" Think ferra sec, "Any way t'bind gods, 'r guard 'gainst'em? Gotta be rites ferrat, yeah? If'n we find th'right one, mebbe..." Keep'iom from settin' more fires too.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"If'n's th'only way, though, 'm willin' t'try. She's sniffin' after Zann too."

"I know you would." Squeeze her free hand where it's lying in her lap. That courage.

"C'n ya fight'er, Tez? I mean...ye're lookin' lots stronger'n y'were. If'n me'n Genny helped y'out....'r th'other way 'round? If'n ya backed me, I could go in way we wuz talkin' 'bout wit'out me gettin' swatted?"

"I fought her," I say, and just days ago I would have looked away, ashamed of the memory. I don't. "None of the damage I did her - physically, I mean - seemed to bother her. And what she did to me...." Syl doesn't need to know the details. "I had to become stronger, or I wouldn't have survived. Like with Gaueko, on the midway." Both of them driving me further into myself. "But if it wasn't physical - I don't know." What harm could she do me then, with her fire, if I had no body to burn? "I don't know what power she has on the inner planes. It might be that we could do something - that I could hold her off for long enough, perhaps, for you to find what we need to know. I don't know, Syl."

"Way ye're talkin' 'bout'im, 'e ain't so tough's Lilith, right? Any way t'bind gods, 'r guard 'gainst'em? Gotta be rites ferrat, yeah? If'n we find th'right one, mebbe..."

"Oh, we all have our weaknesses, and even gods can be destroyed, never mind bound. Or made to destroy themselves, or tricked into binding themselves. Simply a matter of finding the right way in." Wonder if Kaeli could be that way. "The healer, Kaeli - she talks about him in a very different way than he talks about her. And she owes me a night of drinks, now, after our bet." Realise, too late, that I might not have mentioned that it was a bet. "I think perhaps I should cultivate her."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Squeezes m'hand. Didn't even re'lize 'e'd taken it; jes' feels so nat'ral after all'ese years. "I know you would." 'e says. Then'e sighs, "I fought her. None of the damage I did her - physically, I mean - seemed to bother her. And what she did to me....I had to become stronger, or I wouldn't have survived. Like with Gaueko, on the midway. But if it wasn't physical - I don't know. I don't know what power she has on the inner planes. It might be that we could do something - that I could hold her off for long enough, perhaps, for you to find what we need to know. I don't know, Syl."

Don't surprise me much'at she c'n heal'erself. Mean, fuck, Tez c'n do'at...th'fuckin' Doc c'n do'at if'n'e's so inclined...but worries me some 'at'e's so concerned 'bout'er. That'e had t'change'imself t'stay safe. From what've heard, him'n th'dog god nearly fuckin' killed each other. If'n she c'n manage at...

"Okay," sigh, "bloody risky, 'en. Mebbe we c'n figure out some way t'keep ourselves safe...weren't ya th'god'a fuckin' sorcery, dammit?"

"Oh, we all have our weaknesses, and even gods can be destroyed, never mind bound. Or made to destroy themselves, or tricked into binding themselves. Simply a matter of finding the right way in. The healer, Kaeli - she talks about him in a very different way than he talks about her. And she owes me a night of drinks, now, after our bet. I think perhaps I should cultivate her."

Study'im ferra sec, "Ye're even talkin' diff'rent, y'know'at?" Tez I grew up wit' wouldn't never say, "I think perhaps I should cultivate her." "An' what 'zactly d'ya mean? How's'ey talk 'bout each other?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Weren't ya th'god'a fuckin' sorcery, dammit?"

"What, you want everything back at once?" Sharp little stab of irritation: does she understand what it took to bring me this far, after so long? And how much more easily the anger rises now, even with Syl. It will take me a while, I think, to learn to manage this.

Press at my eyes. "Sorry, Syl. Sorry. Didn't mean to snap at you." Squeeze her hand again. "It's not easy. Hundred of years, and now so quickly - And Lilith. Hate feeling helpless. Hate it."

""Ye're even talkin' diff'rent, y'know'at?"

I sigh. "I know." Would be easy to feel frightened at the speed of it all. Close my eyes briefly at the memory of the things I did, with Lilith and with Iblis: not because they horrify me, but because they don't. And I still have enough human decency in me to be glad that she didn't see those things, Lilith's skin peeled back, my tongue and hands on Iblis' animal-shape, Danika crushed down under my body.

It's Syl, though. Know what we've done together in the past, to each other and to others. If anyone human can face what I am and what it leads me to do, it's her. Manage to smile at her again as she goes on: "An' what 'zactly d'ya mean? How's'ey talk 'bout each other?"

"She said she left him," I say, remembering, "and that she's not his follower now. Would be treated as his property. He talked about trading her away like a trifle and called her his worshipper still. A way in, perhaps."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"What, you want everything back at once?" 'e snaps, an'I don't fuckin' care how scary ye're bloody lookin', y'don't get t'talk t'me like'at -

Sighs'n rubs'is eyes way'e does when'e's tired. "Sorry, Syl. Sorry. Didn't mean to snap at you. It's not easy. Hundred of years, and now so quickly - And Lilith. Hate feeling helpless. Hate it." Hand drops back t'take mine again.

...yeah, okay. Know how'at is. Rem'mber bein' helpless. "S'okay. We's both tired." 'n scared, but ain't gonna say'at. "Jes' thought if'n y'were. we gotta better chance'a cookin' somethin' up." Pitch th'butt'a m'cig inta th'river, watch it float away, "Tell ya, though...that li'l bitta you I gottin me...givin' m'spells one helluva boost."

"She said she left him, and that she's not his follower now. Would not be treated as his property. He talked about trading her away like a trifle and called her his worshipper still. A way in, perhaps."

"Mebbe...." nod. Wonder if'n she's really still hangin' 'round'im or'e's jes' bloody delusional. "Wha'd'e offer t'trade'er for?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Jes' thought if'n y'were. we gotta better chance'a cookin' somethin' up. Tell ya, though...that li'l bitta you I gottin me...givin' m'spells one helluva boost."

"It's still in me, I think." She lights up again, straight after she finished the last. "Don't know how to get to it, though. I've been goinjg on - on reaction, on instinct. He brought it out in me, the first time. Couldn't have done it myself. And then Gaueko, and Lilith...and Genny." Now, there's a thought. Could she paint something that would help me bring that part of me back? Remember sitting in my truck, thin blue fire burnin between me and her painting, building me up, taking me deeper. "Maybe we should talk to Genny.

And speaking of which: "Wha'd'e offer t'trade'er for?"

Spit to one side. Memory still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. "For our Genny, would you believe. Said it was almost a fair trade, the arrogant little shit. Tell you, Syl, he lays one finger on her and I'll fucking snap it off."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"It's still in me, I think. Don't know how to get to it, though. I've been goinjg on - on reaction, on instinct. He brought it out in me, the first time. Couldn't have done it myself. And then Gaueko, and Lilith...and Genny. Maybe we should talk to Genny."

"Somethin' 'bout'er paintin's, yeah?" Fuck, gotta quit wit' th'cigs. Only chain-smoke when'm really bloody tense, an'it ain't no good fer me. "She paintin'...." try t'think. Don't know fuckin' much 'bout'is, "Yer diff'rent aspects? 's'ere onnat handles magic?"

Smile when'e spits. Still some parts'a'im acts like ol' carny Tez. "For our Genny, would you believe. Said it was almost a fair trade, the arrogant little shit. Tell you, Syl, he lays one finger on her and I'll fucking snap it off."

"Our Genny? Ferrat fuckin' schoolteacher?" Snort out loud, "My ass's a fair trade. Genny's worth tenna'er, an'e prob'ly knowsit." Our Genny. Saidit wit'out really thinkin' 'boutit. An' listen t'th'way'e talks 'bout'er. Wish Zann coulda heard'at. Might make'er feelabit better 'bout th'whole thin'. "Didn' ask t'trade fer me, huh?" Smile when I sayat last.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Somethin' 'bout'er paintin's, yeah? She paintin'....Yer diff'rent aspects? 's'ere onnat handles magic?"

"She draws me up within myself," I say absently, still thinking. "With her art and what I am, I'm like a candle flame between two mirrors. I take her into myself, and she paints, and we both become more...." Blink a bit and register the last part of her question. Was drawn away for a moment there, away into myself. "And yes. Chalchihuihtotolin. Dark and crawling sorcery was mine, the things of night....but that part of me is - buried deep, and not safe." Am I afraid, to become too much what I was? I can remember, dimly, how it felt not to love. I don't care to lose that, or what's left of my human self. Not sitting here on the riverbank with Syl. "It would be a risk, for all of us."

Syl snorts when I tell her what Lugh said: "Our Genny? Ferrat fuckin' schoolteacher "My ass's a fair trade. Genny's worth tenna'er, an'e prob'ly knowsit. Didn' ask t'trade fer me, huh?"

"Wouldn't trade your ass." Give her a grin. "And no - he thought you worshipped me. Nearly laughed in his face when he said that."

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

"She draws me up within myself. With her art and what I am, I'm like a candle flame between two mirrors. I take her into myself, and she paints, and we both become more...." Shakes'is head'a bit, like'e's wakin' up. Yeah, comin' out more'n more. Tez I took up with wouldn' make no metaphor like'at. "And yes. Chalchihuihtotolin. Dark and crawling sorcery was mine, the things of night....but that part of me is - buried deep, and not safe. It would be a risk, for all of us."

"Like ye're safe now?" I says, goin' fer light, bu's true, ain't it? "We's already at risk now, ain't we? I mean..." sigh an' lookat'im, "Ye'd have t'give more up, yeah? Izzat...are ya scared'a that?" Don't wan'im t'lose no more've 'imself neither, jes'....ain't seein' too many choices right now.

"Wouldn't trade your ass." 'e says, grinnin' at me.

"What? My skinny butt so good 's allat?" Laugh. Good t'flirt sometimes, 'specially if'n we might die in th'next few bloody weeks.

"And no - he thought you worshipped me. Nearly laughed in his face when he said that."

Oh, fuck. Glad'm almost done m'cig now cuz when I start laughin' I spit it right in th'bloody river. An'en jes' fall onta m'side, clutchin' m'belly an' laughin' like a loon. Me, worship Tez. Fuckin'ell. Hard t'worship somethin' when ye've spent a good parta yer life cleanin' up its piss'n puke.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Ye'd have t'give more up, yeah? Izzat...are ya scared'a that?" My stomach clenches up at that, purely human response, and all I can do is nod tensely. It's a relief to change the tone, to flirt back: "Best there is, honey. Worth a dozen of the whole of Kaeli."

And then she's laughing, laughing so hard she loses her cigarette and falls right down, laughing like it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard, the idea of her worshipping me. I could resent that, but not when she looks so damn happy, lying there gasping for breath.

"Screw you, Syl, it's not so funny as all that." Slap her leg a bit, but I'm grinning as I say it. Wouldn't want her to worship me, anyway, to look at me with moonstruck eyes the way that Genny does. Would rather she laughed at me any day, threatened me with a muzzle, hit me upside the head and call me an idjit.

[syl-thorn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, 'e's scared'a bringin' out more'a th'god. Can't blame'im none fer'at. But still...ain't seein' too many other options. Las' time'e tried t'go all god, didn' work so good, right? S'mebbe th'human parta'im's stuck? Mebbe can't get ridda it now?

....dunno. Really don't.

Hell. An'e's goin' back t'flirtin', cuzzit's always what'e duz, cuzzit's safe an'e knows how an' people like it an' I fuckin' like'it. "Best there is, honey. Worth a dozen of the whole of Kaeli."

"Yours ain't s'bad neither," I says, grinnin' over m'cig. An'I got t'play more wittis 'n'e did wit' mine, really, so I oughta know.

An' when I get t'laughin'e slaps m'leg, tries t'sound all grumpy even though 'e's smilin'. "Screw you, Syl, it's not so funny as all that."

"Sure's hell is," I says, still chokin'. Me worshippin' Tez. Wouldn'at be a fuckin' picture. Few times onuvvus's gone down on our knees 's been him fer me, jes' like th'other night, when'e kissed m'foot. Wonder what'is bloody god friends'd think if'n saw'at. Well, Verdi saw, but Verdi...I dunno, Verdi don't seem like th'others. 'n Verdi...dunno, she ain't known us fer long, but go th'weird feelin' she gets me'n Tez, an' ain't a lotta folks't c'n sayat.

But fin'lly I sit up, wipe m'eyes 'n force m'hand 'way from m'pack'a cigs. S'enough, dammit. We's both smilin' now, an' I hate t'quit'at, but... "So....s'up t'ya, Tez. We talk t'Genny?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Yours ain't s'bad neither,"

Lean back on the grass next to her and filch one of her cigarettes while she's laughing. Something else it's getting hard to justify buying. "'S yours any time you want it, you know that." Imagine Iblis' reaction to that, the god offering himself to a human woman like this, that and the collar and everything between Syl and me, and from the part of me that was He Who Mocks comes a sharp curl of amusement, like a silent snicker. I may love him, I may even revere him in my way, but I do as I will. And, slowly, I am losing any guilt I felt at that.

But after a moment she says, ""So....s'up t'ya, Tez. We talk t'Genny?" and the amusement fades. There's not even a question, really, not with Lilith where she is so close to Syl and Genny, and, yes, to the rest of the people there too. They may have forced me out, they may care nothing for me, but I have a curious lingering loyalty to them. But mostly, mostly it's the thought of Lilith with Genny that brings up bile into my mouth with the word, "Yes."

Won't admit it even to Syl, but I'm scared of that part of me, of what bringing it back will mean. Of what there'll be left of me, after. But it's a sacrifce I can make, and will, another offering of myself. Still find myself taking Syl's hand again, almost for reassurance. "Yeah, Syl. We ask her."