estdeus_innobis | I haven't been around but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you

Sunday, June 13th, late afternoon
Where the fields meet the woods

Lucien agreed to come over and watch Rose for a few hours. My conversation with Glass and Noma got me thinking, and there's been something I have been avoiding doing for quite some time. He arched an eyebrow as I passed off my daughter, and gathered up some roses and the last bottle of aged whiskey I have, but did not ask questions. I appreciated that. I'll tell him when I am done and home but... since I have no idea what I am going to say, it's hard to explain what I want to do.

It's a bit of a trek out to the cairn where Kaeli, Karina and I laid what remained after Lugh's cremation. It's small,but the rocks are stacked nicely, and it's obvious that care went into the placement. There's moss peeking out from the crannies and nooks the gaps left, and it makes me smile. Reminds me of the simple graves I saw when I was in Eire', and it's fitting. With a sigh, I lay the pale pink and cream roses on the top, and sit down in the grass, leaning my back against the stones warmed by the early summer sun.

I merely sit there for a time; watching the rays from the sinking sun spread across the field, taking the occasional sip from the bottle. "I'm sorry I haven't been out here earlier." I start, having to start somewhere. "I've been a little busy, I guess..." I laugh, raking a hand through my hair, suddenly self conscious. "Oh Lugh... I... I don't even know what to say to you." I admit, looking up to the blue sky above me. "I don't know what happened, or why I did the things I did. I was so lost after you died. And Lucien left, and He was there... and I loved the lie he lived out to seduce me, so much so I tried to believe it after..." Take a deep breath, and a deep pull of the whiskey. "I suppose I went a bit mad for a while. That's what most people probably think. I'm not so sure... maybe I was a fool, but I don't think I was mad. I really thought, that, that maybe there was something of his true self in the part he played. Maybe I'm a fool for still wanting to believe that, even though he told me..." Stop again, and wipe a tear from my eye.

"But I woke up, and I threw Him out, as much as I can anyway. We have a daughter together. I might have fallen further into darkness, into madness, maybe I would have been glad for it, but I have her now. And I have to think of what's best for her. Her name is Rose. She's beautiful, and clever... I wonder if you would have liked her. I wonder if you know all this, where you are."

Again, I grow silent, and look to the sky, and listen to the soft music that's always there. "I see your Brother, in my dreams." I mention, changing track. "He's trying to cross from where he is, back into the waking world. I'm going to try and make that happen. I didn't know the dead can dream, and that they could still talk to us. Once I learned that... I was afraid. Afraid that I would close my eyes, and you would be there." Swallow hard. "I was.. I am so afraid of facing you. Of how disappointed you must be with me. I'd rather face Ares' wrath than your disappointment." Now I am crying, and I swipe at the tears on my cheeks. "You sacrificed so much, and I repaid it with..." My throat closes up and all I can do is turn my face to the rocks and wet them with my tears. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...." I choke out, and left my grief over everything come out.

The sun in the sky is lower when I at last feel like there are no more tears. I sit up and scrub my face with my hands. "I had better get back, Rose will be wondering where I got to." I sigh, standing up. "Here, this is for you." I take up the bottle, which is mostly full and pour it over the rocks. "It's the best I've ever had, so I hope you enjoy that." Laugh a little, and set the bottle back down, next to the roses. Place my hand against the top of the cairn, and manage a small smile. "I still love you, and I miss you. I miss your laugh, and your voice, and the wrinkle of your nose. I hope you are happy where you are, and that Eris is with you. I hope you can forgive me if you can still see what's going on here..." Feel my throat tightening up again, and I clear it. "Is breá liom tú, agus chailleann tú, mo chara." I whisper, using my grandmothers native tongue.

Linger one moment more, then head back to town.

(Closed)