It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

[john-thiess.livejournal.com]

Day 235, Thursday January 21
A bit too late and a bit too drunk
Silk Road

I was so glad when things came back and I started believin' Damien again. It just seemed so strange, me 'n 'em together than it was like meetin' all over again, but not in the best way. I've bin feelin' guilty 'bout it fer days now and no matter that Damien ain't acted like they was hurt by it. I know they get lots 'a trouble and it just seems so unfair that this happened now when things have bin goin' better.

Tess came by and asked me 'n Damien t'come celebrate her movin' in with Kate, and I want us t'go 'cause she's goin' t'need that when Ma 'n Pa hear 'bout it. And then I suppose they'll be hearin' 'bout Damien 'cause it's real hard t'be so careful. Already I've bin hearin' a few remarks from folk 'round my age, and no matter that there's some folk as ain't bin married themselves and live with someone close, it ain't the same fer them. 'Cause I'm from the farms, and 'cause Damien's, well, Damien.

It dunt help none either that Damien's bin playin' at the Tavern and I know well 'nough how pretty they can be, and it's got me worried some. That ugly mood from the late fall ain't gone away, really, just simmered down under winter and with that Vale girl bein' found folks is real edgy even 'f she did work at the 'Boy.

I've bin ignorin' some 'a the laughter tonight. Reaves and some 'a his cronies have bin doin' that stupid thing where they jostle me 'r all look pointedly at me and so I have another beer t'ignore 'em more, and tonight it just keeps goin'. I think they'd be doin' it t'Damien too only they're playin' and Verdi won't be pleased 'f they do - Thomas already cut one 'v 'em off fer an ugly sort 'a remark, and his face has bin gettin' right hard as the night goes on and they keep gettin' rowdier and louder and meaner.

This time when I go up t'the bar he cuts me off. "You've had 'nough, John," he tells me. "Don't you have to be up early for Mr White? I'll want to see you there when I do pick-ups for Verdi." I'd be pissed but I can smell that he's angry and worried all at once, even over the reek 'v purple viciousness comin' from Reaves' table and so I just nod, grab my coat, and walk out into the dark, not even botherin' t'say 'bye' t'Damien. It's best 'f I dunt 'cause I'm took drunk 'n too mad and I might kiss 'em 'r somethin' and it wouldn't turn well.

I hear a scuff 'v a shoe on the slushy ground and someone pulls my shoulder 'round. "Ain't you goin' t'wait fer yer boyfriend Thiess?" someone says, and then someone says "You mean his girlfriend dunt you?" and then someone else shoves me down and someone else gives me a kick and then I'm up and my blood's rushin' in my ears and my skin's tremblin' t'slip and I hit the closest one hard in the belly and he folds up.

There's a pause and then they go fer me 'cause I ain't too tall and they're a couple 'a years older but the wolf inside makes me strong and the anger and guilt 'n drink make me mean and there's a crack 'v bone and then again and now I ain't even thinkin' of who I'm hittin' 'r what 'r where and there's shoutin' somewhere away but all I'm thinkin' is I'm goin' t'fuckin' kill 'em.

[Open to Damien, Liam, Jack; others by request]