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estdeus_innobisFriday, day 68, around 5pm
I've had a great deal to think on, this last day or two. Glass stayed until quite late on Wednesday night. I drank not quite half a bottle of wine, but it went to my head well enough, since I'm not much of a drinker, and we talked on a few things and laughed on some others, and I slept dreamlessly for once, a blank and quiet sleep.
Since then, however, I've been thoughtful. People have stopped asking whether I'm marrying Laurence, thank goodness, and so things are back to normal there. Amanda has been doing a good job, and today I told her that she's passed her trial week. She shrieked and got teary-eyed and hugged me, which was a little perturbing, but I was also pleased it made her so happy. We've decided that she will be in to help me on Saturdays - an even busier day now we have the market - and that she will run the store entirely on Mondays, which means for the first time in years I will have two days off a week. Two days in a row, moreover! It's a luxury I'm looking forward to enjoying. At the moment I don't want to pay an assistant full time, and it suits Amanda because that means for the rest of the week she can be at home on the farm. She hasn't said it, but I know her mother wants her closer to home because of Edith. So all in all it's proved to be a good arrangement.
This decision has left me feeling happy about how my business is going, and that, coupled with the thoughtfulness left after my evening with Glass, has led me to feeling cautiously optimistic about the future, despite everything that has happened lately. For the first time in a very long time, I have a number of people in my life I can trust... It's a humbling and comforting feeling.
What was it Glass said? "Strength after adversity." It was a good toast, and one I hope I can live up to. But I think it also speaks for our friendship. I'll admit now that I was jealous when Glass took up Iago as her beau. Not because I didn't want to share her... No, I suppose I must be honest and say that was part of it. I had few friends, and it seemed a hard thing to lose Glass to a man, and to the friends that seemed to come with starting that relationship. I felt her moving away from me towards people who were maybe more exciting or glamorous. Since then, though, I've come to realise something... I had so little love in my life for so long that I guarded what little I had, but it has struck me lately that the more people I've let into my life, the more people I've been able to care for. My friendship with Glass has changed, and to people viewing it from the outside it may not seem exciting... But there's a sort of bone-deep comfort in it. I did something that Glass thought so very awful she thought it was worthy of terrible punishment, and Glass nearly killed me... And yet somehow what's more important than that is that she was the person I called for in agony, and I washed blood out of her hair. I think she will always be my friend, and so now I can finally and truly wish her and Iago joy.
Realising this has made me think about the other things in my life I've been holding back on. I've always been frugal, not just with money but with my heart. But I'm in a comfortable place now - I have a good business, a nice home, and I'm a part of the community. I'm home. And if I risk some part of myself, there'll be people who can help me recover. I've always thought if I jumped I couldn't rely on anyone to catch me, and this whole thing with Laurence made me afraid that if I tried something and things went wrong, I'd just be back to being alone and lonely. But it's not true. So maybe it's worth taking a risk. I'm not sure how great a risk I can take - I'm still not so very brave - but maybe something is worth trying now.
I shut up the store at usual at five. I've decided that I'm going to walk to the smithy and see if Laurence is there, and ask if he wants to go for a walk in the early evening sunlight. I don't give myself time to change my clothes and convince myself that I should leave it for another day. Instead I just run a hairbrush through my hair and put on a fresh coat of lipstick, and walk along the road. Maybe things won't work out. But today seems like a good day to test my courage.
[open to Laurence] [closed]
I've had a great deal to think on, this last day or two. Glass stayed until quite late on Wednesday night. I drank not quite half a bottle of wine, but it went to my head well enough, since I'm not much of a drinker, and we talked on a few things and laughed on some others, and I slept dreamlessly for once, a blank and quiet sleep.
Since then, however, I've been thoughtful. People have stopped asking whether I'm marrying Laurence, thank goodness, and so things are back to normal there. Amanda has been doing a good job, and today I told her that she's passed her trial week. She shrieked and got teary-eyed and hugged me, which was a little perturbing, but I was also pleased it made her so happy. We've decided that she will be in to help me on Saturdays - an even busier day now we have the market - and that she will run the store entirely on Mondays, which means for the first time in years I will have two days off a week. Two days in a row, moreover! It's a luxury I'm looking forward to enjoying. At the moment I don't want to pay an assistant full time, and it suits Amanda because that means for the rest of the week she can be at home on the farm. She hasn't said it, but I know her mother wants her closer to home because of Edith. So all in all it's proved to be a good arrangement.
This decision has left me feeling happy about how my business is going, and that, coupled with the thoughtfulness left after my evening with Glass, has led me to feeling cautiously optimistic about the future, despite everything that has happened lately. For the first time in a very long time, I have a number of people in my life I can trust... It's a humbling and comforting feeling.
What was it Glass said? "Strength after adversity." It was a good toast, and one I hope I can live up to. But I think it also speaks for our friendship. I'll admit now that I was jealous when Glass took up Iago as her beau. Not because I didn't want to share her... No, I suppose I must be honest and say that was part of it. I had few friends, and it seemed a hard thing to lose Glass to a man, and to the friends that seemed to come with starting that relationship. I felt her moving away from me towards people who were maybe more exciting or glamorous. Since then, though, I've come to realise something... I had so little love in my life for so long that I guarded what little I had, but it has struck me lately that the more people I've let into my life, the more people I've been able to care for. My friendship with Glass has changed, and to people viewing it from the outside it may not seem exciting... But there's a sort of bone-deep comfort in it. I did something that Glass thought so very awful she thought it was worthy of terrible punishment, and Glass nearly killed me... And yet somehow what's more important than that is that she was the person I called for in agony, and I washed blood out of her hair. I think she will always be my friend, and so now I can finally and truly wish her and Iago joy.
Realising this has made me think about the other things in my life I've been holding back on. I've always been frugal, not just with money but with my heart. But I'm in a comfortable place now - I have a good business, a nice home, and I'm a part of the community. I'm home. And if I risk some part of myself, there'll be people who can help me recover. I've always thought if I jumped I couldn't rely on anyone to catch me, and this whole thing with Laurence made me afraid that if I tried something and things went wrong, I'd just be back to being alone and lonely. But it's not true. So maybe it's worth taking a risk. I'm not sure how great a risk I can take - I'm still not so very brave - but maybe something is worth trying now.
I shut up the store at usual at five. I've decided that I'm going to walk to the smithy and see if Laurence is there, and ask if he wants to go for a walk in the early evening sunlight. I don't give myself time to change my clothes and convince myself that I should leave it for another day. Instead I just run a hairbrush through my hair and put on a fresh coat of lipstick, and walk along the road. Maybe things won't work out. But today seems like a good day to test my courage.
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