EXCOLO

"Does she know who you are? She must have done before. You don't want to take advantage of her, do you?"

I feel myself sag a little, enthusiasm draining out of me. "No." I've disappointed Valmont again, I know. "I should tell her I can't, then, shouldn't I. Have sex with her, I mean. I don't want - I'm not ready. For them to know about me. At the Carnival." Faith will be cross now, too. But they were my family, and I'm not who I was, and I'm scared. Not just of Syl, either. Because part of me wants so much to go back, to how things were before Excolo, and they can't, not ever. Not now.

And - there's Management, isn't there. I've felt the tug of them, ever since I got back, that low bone-aching pull to the Carnival. I'd talk about that, if it was just Valmont, but Hermia's here too, and looking at me like that.

"I hope I can," I tell her, quiet myself. Should I tell them about Gaueko? Do they know? Is that betraying Alice? Everything is so very confusing.

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"I should tell her I can't, then, shouldn't I. Have sex with her, I mean. I don't want - I'm not ready. For them to know about me. At the Carnival."

"You should tell her," I agree. I put a hand on his shoulder, because he looks so pitiable. "And I understand why you might not want to talk to the people at the carnival yet. Hopefully one day, though. I'm sure at least some of them would be glad of it."

"I hope that you can keep that promise. I love Alice, and I never want to see any harm come to her. Ever."

"I hope I can."

"I think you can," I say, encouragingly. "You care about Alice, don't you?" And I think, for a moment, about Gaueko and his interest in her, and how perhaps Micah could protect her... if he learns how to manage himself. "Alice attracts attention from bad people," I say after a moment. "I woudn't want you to be one of those bad things. I'd want you to be a real friend to her."

Edited Date: 2012-03-28 11:22 pm (UTC)

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"I should tell her I can't, then, shouldn't I. Have sex with her, I mean. I don't want - I'm not ready. For them to know about me. At the Carnival."

He looks so like a child as he says it. I want to believe that he truly feels guilty and awkward, that he truly is as sorry as he says.

But I do not think that I want to believe it half as much as Valmont does, from the look in his eyes as he puts his hand on Micah's shoulder. "You should tell her. And I understand why you might not want to talk to the people at the carnival yet. Hopefully one day, though. I'm sure at least some of them would be glad of it."

"Yes, you should be honest with her," I agree quietly. "And if you cannot be honest yet, then you should not…try to become closer to her."

"I think you can," I say, encouragingly. "You care about Alice, don't you? Alice attracts attention from bad people. I woudn't want you to be one of those bad things. I'd want you to be a real friend to her."

Can he? Can he truly help Alice, and protect her against the other things that would try to hurt her.

Perhaps not, but what kind of people would we be if we did not at least try when the opportunity comes?

"She looks up to you," I add, still quiet. "And she trusts you."

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I think about it. "I can walk her home, though," I say. "Just walk her home. Even though it means going - there." Only Genny, I think, would be glad to see me. "To be sure she's safe." Gentlemanly, Valmont said. And I know - I remember - that it's not always safe, for carnival people. I had a lot of years of that.

They talk about Alice. A real friend; she looks up to me, trusts me. It's Hermia I'm looking at when I reply: "She treats me like I'm a person," I say simply. "I don't want to lose that. But - " I don't want to tell them too much about Genny. "There was another girl who looked up to me. And she got - hurt." My fingers are knotting together. I stop them. "I had to die fix that," I add. Maybe it will sound like I'm boasting or trying to make them think better of me. I just want them to understand. "And other people got hurt. I don't want it to happen again. Someone being hurt like that, I mean. Because of me. Alice. I don't want to hurt Alice."

...I miss Genny. It hits me now, remembering her at the Carnival that night during the wish. It feels a bit like something tearing inside my chest. I know what that feels like, after all. I miss all of them. (I miss Syl.) I curl over a bit, shoulders hunched in, like it will help the pain. Iblis would say I shouldn't care about them, I think, unless it was useful.

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"I can walk her home, though. Just walk her home. Even though it means going - there. To be sure she's safe."

"Yes, you can walk her home," I agree, glancing over at Valmont. "As long as you're honest about your intentions."

"She treats me like I'm a person. I don't want to lose that. But - There was another girl who looked up to me. And she got - hurt. I had to die fix that."

My breath catches for a moment. Who was she, this poor girl? Someone at the carnival? Someone in town? But I do not ask, for I do not want to break the delicate balance of…whatever is happening here. I hardly know myself.

"And other people got hurt. I don't want it to happen again. Someone being hurt like that, I mean. Because of me. Alice. I don't want to hurt Alice."

For a moment after he finishes, I am silent still, waiting to see if there is any more. And then I say, very softly, "That's what being human is - part of it, at least. You learn from your mistakes. And apologize and atone for them when you can, and try not to make the same ones twice."

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I think: but I tried that. I tried to learn and not do the same thing again. Didn't I? It just never worked. The same pattern played out again and again, even when I tried.

I lived as human for a long time, I think, before I remembered what I was the first time. I didn't change then. Why has just being in this body for some weeks made a difference?

Perhaps it hasn't. Perhaps I'll fail this time too. Syl hoped I could change, and she was wrong. Maybe I'll hurt Alice too. The thought is...frightening. Yes. I don't want that. "Maybe I should stay away from her after all." I say it very quietly. I don't want to. But I don't want to hurt her more.

Edited Date: 2012-04-02 12:58 am (UTC)

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"That's what being human is - part of it, at least. You learn from your mistakes. And apologize and atone for them when you can, and try not to make the same ones twice."

"Maybe I should stay away from her after all."

I shake my head.

"We can't just avoid people to stop them or us getting hurt," I say. "I know that from my own experience; I avoided getting close to anyone for a long time, because in the past it had made me unhappy... But I'm glad I changed my mind," and I smile at Hermia. "As Hermia rightly says, part of being human is making mistakes. The problem, of course, is that you're more able to make - big mistakes than the average human, so you have to be more careful." I run my hand through my hair. "I think for now it would be better for you only to spend time with Alice when Hermia or I are there, but I won't say you can't see her. I don't think that's fair to either of you." We still have the question, of course, of whether Micah can still live at the inn, but at least he knows we're not trying to cut him out of our lives altogether.

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"And if you are aware of the risk and want to do something to try to diminish it, then that's already one step closer to being safe."

If. If. If he is sincere. If he really is the lost child that he appears to be. If he really does want to avoid hurting Alice, and is not just lying to try to get closer again.

If.

The smile that Valmont gives me when he speaks of changing his mind - of that I have no doubt, and it brings my own smile up again when I see that look on his face.

But still. Micah - Tez - whatever and whoever he is, he cannot be alone with Alice.

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"The problem, of course, is that you're more able to make - big mistakes than the average human, so you have to be more careful."

I feel the corner of my mouth tip up a little. "Yes. I have - noticed that. Like when the town forgot."

I nod at what he says about Alice. "Alright. But you can tell her that." I'm not sure that she'll take it very well.

I look over my shoulder. "I should tell Faith," I say, a bit reluctantly.

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"Yes. I have - noticed that. Like when the town forgot."

I stare at him.

"That was you?" Oh, mon Dieu. "That means it's your fault Hermia hit me with a poker," I say, corner of my mouth turning up a little, but - "why did you do it? You say it was a mistake - what were you trying to do?"

"I should tell Faith."

"Yes," I agree, "one shouldn't leave a lady waiting... But we have a lot of things left to discuss."

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--I don't know if I should have laughed at that or not. "I wanted to forget," I tell him. "Only everyone forgot. I'm sorry about the poker," I add.

I don't know what to say to Hermia, so I just give her an awkward look at sort of bob my head at her before I go back to Faith.

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Yes. I have - noticed that. Like when the town forgot."

"That was you?" I echo, a stunned second after Valmont. I can see his smile out of the corner of my eye as he says, "That means it's your fault Hermia hit me with a poker."

The poker, of course. It's something to laugh about now - for really, what else can we do about it? I can feel a bit of laughter bubbling up despite everything - and Micah laughs too, and looks a bit ashamed about it.

"I wanted to forget. Only everyone forgot. I'm sorry about the poker."

"The poker was my fault. Well, I was the proximate cause, and you were the ultimate cause, I suppose," I stammer. "But…thank you."

And then the laughter stops, for I wonder - if he had that much power and that little judgment and control before, what might happen now that he is so strangely confused? Dear gods…

"Yes, one shouldn't leave a lady waiting…" Valmont advises. "But we have a lot of things left to discuss."

"We will talk more…tomorrow," I offer, glancing back at Valmont for confirmation.

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"Tomorrow," I agree, and watch Micah walk - still with that limp that Lucien worries about - away. I turn to Hermia and sigh.

"My dear," I say, "this has turned out to be another typically Excolo sort of evening."

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As Micah - Tez - turns away, I let my breath out very very slowly, and step back towards Valmont to close him tightly in my arms. I want to hold onto him, to his solidity and certainty and humanity…

"Yes it has. In quite a few ways." My voice shakes, and I cannot tell whether it is the hysterical laughter coming back, or something else. Fear? Anger? "It was such a lovely dance…"

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Hermia presses herself in against me, and I kiss her hair.

"It's still a lovely dance," I say. "And look, Alice is having a wonderful time," I say, nodding over to where she is. "We will work things out, my love. We always do." We've certainly had plenty of experience in dealing with oddities, after all.

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"She is," I sigh softly, feeling a wistful little smile rise up as I look over at her, turning my head to rest on Valmont's chest. "I'm glad that she can have this night to be happy." Before she finds out that her friend is not what he seemed. Before he goes away and she blames herself...

"I know we'll find a way. It's just going to be difficult for a time before we do."

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