"Does she know who you are? She must have done before. You don't want to take advantage of her, do you?"
I feel myself sag a little, enthusiasm draining out of me. "No." I've disappointed Valmont again, I know. "I should tell her I can't, then, shouldn't I. Have sex with her, I mean. I don't want - I'm not ready. For them to know about me. At the Carnival." Faith will be cross now, too. But they were my family, and I'm not who I was, and I'm scared. Not just of Syl, either. Because part of me wants so much to go back, to how things were before Excolo, and they can't, not ever. Not now.
And - there's Management, isn't there. I've felt the tug of them, ever since I got back, that low bone-aching pull to the Carnival. I'd talk about that, if it was just Valmont, but Hermia's here too, and looking at me like that.
"I hope I can," I tell her, quiet myself. Should I tell them about Gaueko? Do they know? Is that betraying Alice? Everything is so very confusing.
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Date: 2012-03-28 07:12 pm (UTC)I feel myself sag a little, enthusiasm draining out of me. "No." I've disappointed Valmont again, I know. "I should tell her I can't, then, shouldn't I. Have sex with her, I mean. I don't want - I'm not ready. For them to know about me. At the Carnival." Faith will be cross now, too. But they were my family, and I'm not who I was, and I'm scared. Not just of Syl, either. Because part of me wants so much to go back, to how things were before Excolo, and they can't, not ever. Not now.
And - there's Management, isn't there. I've felt the tug of them, ever since I got back, that low bone-aching pull to the Carnival. I'd talk about that, if it was just Valmont, but Hermia's here too, and looking at me like that.
"I hope I can," I tell her, quiet myself. Should I tell them about Gaueko? Do they know? Is that betraying Alice? Everything is so very confusing.