Would you like an apple pie with that?

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

Late Monday afternoon
7th June, Day 372
Tavern of Hell, Verdandi’s apt.



Woke up this morning to snow, of all things, and after I finished swearing and putting on all my winter clothes, I went down to the kitchen. Of course everyone else at the ‘Boy thought the snow was very strange, but for Excolo, strange is pretty usual, I’m coming to realize. And there are worse things than snow, certainly, especially when you have somewhere warm to stay.

The best thing I can think of to do when it’s cold outside is find a kitchen and something hot to eat and not go anywhere, but thinking about Verdi got to bothering me again and it came to me that I should go see how Verite’s doing by herself in the cold. Felt like I shouldn’t go see either of them without bringing something, though, and so I asked Mrs. Danvers would she let me use her kitchen if I brought in my own things and cleaned up afterwards. After she sat me down and made me tell her what exactly I planned to do in her kitchen, she said I could bake as many pies as I wanted to, provided I left some for the people at the ‘Boy, which of course I was going to do anyway.

I learned to bake from a man who knew his business, though I wouldn’t try to compete with the bakery here or the girl who sells pies at the Saturday market. The half dozen apple pies turned out pretty well, I think, so I wrapped up three of them, put on my coat, and went out into the snow and falling light feeling better than I have in a long time.

The first pie I leave with Alice at the Inn, with instructions to save some for Valmont and Hermia and not to give any at all to Micah. The second I take over to the Salon and leave with Ri, promising that I’ll come over tomorrow to help her make dinner for her family. And with the third pie still steaming in my hands I turn toward the Tavern, scared and happy and relieved all together.

Nod to Thomas as I go in and straight up the stairs. It’s been more than a month, I realize, and I have missed her so badly. To hell with Iago Beddau and his stories. You can’t murder someone who’s bringing you apple pie.




[OPEN to Verdi]

Comments

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

"Snow's fine as long as I don't have to be out in it," I say, cutting her a piece of pie. Remember her saying she loved snow, though, and her apartment's warm enough. I've got no reason to complain.

When I turn around to hand the slice to her, her sweater's gone, too, leaving her in just a little white shirt over her jeans. I swallow hard and go back in the kitchen to set some apple wine to heating with spices.

Never quite know what to say when she tells me I'm pretty, so I just go stand behind her as she sits and kiss the top of her head. "Missed you. I just--work, and I patched things up with Ri." But that sounds so hollow, not even a good excuse. She knows I would've made time to see her.

I kiss her again and lean my cheek against the softness of her hair. "Um, Verdi, do you mind me asking if you were seeing anyone in town before me?"

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

"Thank you," and I put the plate down in front of me, smiling at his before he turns around and heads for the kitchen. The smell of whatever he's making is wonderful and I ask, "What is that? It smells like apples and wine and," I take a deep sniff, trying to figure out what the rest is. "Maybe cinnamon? I don't know. I'm a really bad cook."

I'm smiling at him and he looks as pretty as I just told him was, maybe more. He still looks nervous and his cooking wasn't bad last time. Is he worried about it this time? He shouldn't be and I'm about to tell him so when he stands behind me, kissing my hair as he tells me he missed me too.

And when he mentions fixing things with Ri, I'm really happy. "I'm glad you talked to her. She was very sweet to you." He kisses me again, this time on my cheek and I'm smiling happily.

"Um, Verdi, do you mind me asking if you were seeing anyone in town before me?"

I cut into my pie and take a bite. It tastes wonderful and I swallow before answering. "No, it doesn't bother me. I saw a few people in town before you." I turn to look at him. "Is that why you're so nervous? I'm not seeing any of them right now."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

"It's just mulled wine," I tell her, trying to keep my voice light. Not sure how you can live as long as she has and not know how to cook, but I guess some people just don't have the knack.

I don't really want to get started talking about Ri just now. Need to settle things with Verdi first, much as I don't want to. She tries the pie before she answers me, and I think from the way she chews that she likes it.

I didn't think I was being that plain about how nervous I am, but she's good at picking up that kind of thing, I guess. "Um. Not trying to say you shouldn't be seeing other people, it's just--" I don't even know how to get it out. Can't just come out and ask has she ever killed anyone in town. Sure goddesses might have different ideas about right and wrong, too.

I put my forehead down to rest on her shoulder. Oh, Verdandi. "Tell me about them?"

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

He asks who I was seeing before him and I'm not sure why it's it matters but if he wants to know, I don't mind. I softly touch his hair and smile. "Thank you for bringing it." Turning back to my plate. I dig in and swallow another piece of pie . "Do you want any pie for yourself? It's really good and you should try it, if you didn't already."

I think about his question and say, "Well, there was Mab, she's the sheriff and the most beautiful red-headed warrior I know. Wanda is too but I haven't been with her." Smiling, I continue, "And there was Gaueko and Anushka before her. Gaueko's tall, dark and very handsome with broad shoulders and a rough sense of humor. Anushka was his opposite in coloring, tiny and blond but she was just as fierce as he was. Maybe more in some ways."

My smile softens the more I remember of the Walking Night. "Gaueko and I used to dance all night and we had some great times together. We were close for a while but we had an argument and never really fixed it. After that, we drifted apart and I haven't seen him for months."

As I mentally go over the list of people I've been with, I suggest, "You might want to sit down. There were others." Half of my pie's gone and I say, "Jenna looks like a swan, pale and graceful, and she always told me the silliest things about people." I giggle, remembering her stories. "Johnny was very sweet and has beautiful eyes and a firm...everything." I sigh happily. "He works with Edmund at the bakery. After him, there was Syl, and if you saw her long, beautiful legs you would understand why because they go on forever."

I swallow two bites and beam at him. "This is really good. You can bring me apple pie any time."

Going back to my list, I smile sweetly and say, "There was also Tez, and he used to be with the carnival but not anymore. I liked the way he smiled at me when he thought he was stealing my liquor. It's too bad he never replaced my ruined boots though. I still miss them." My pie's almost gone and I eat the last piece before saying, "Then there was Ri and you."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

"You're welcome," I say very quiet, when she thanks me for the pie. "I'll, uh, have some later." Really want to get this over with first.

I asked her about her lovers, and it's quite a list she gives me, with more details than I really wanted to hear. Should have known better than to ask. It's on the tip of my tongue to ask her if they were all so lovely then why in hell is she with me now, but that'd be rude and off the subject, anyway. She told me I should sit down, but that doesn't feel right, not now, so I just drop to my knees beside her chair.

Just very, very glad she likes the pie, because maybe, maybe it'll make things easier. I lean my head against her chair and close my eyes. Oh, goddess. Hurts to remember how long it's been since I've offered her my prayers. Verdandi, please, please don't let this ruin everything.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

Jarmyn doesn't sit down when I ask. Instead he kneels next to my chair, looking sad before he closes his eyes. I set my fork down and turn to face him as I ask, "Jarmyn, what's wrong? I know my list was long but you asked and I didn't want to lie."

My arms go around his shoulders and I kiss the top of his head, just like he did for me. "I don't understand. What's everything and why would it get ruined?"

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She asks me what's wrong right off, and it takes me a minute to gather my thoughts enough to answer. "It's not that." Not her list, though it wasn't really what I wanted to listen to just now. No, it's mostly just Iago fucking Beddau, God rot his eyes.

She reaches down to hug me and kiss my hair, bless her. Feel like tears, but I push them away. "'Ve you ever killed anyone here in town, Verdi?" The words feel strange coming out into the air, but I let them. There it is, all laid out. That's why, goddess. I feel like begging her pardon for even asking, but hold my breath and wait for her answer.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

So it's not the people I mentioned that's upsetting him. It's something else and I ask, because I really want to know. I don't want him to be sad.

"'Ve you ever killed anyone here in town, Verdi?"

Oh. It's that question. I wonder who told him.

He's tense as I hold him and I guess if that's the question he's been thinking of, I understand why. I kiss the top of his head again and pet him. Taking a deep breath, I try to prepare myself for a bad reaction and I say. "Yes. Two young men. It was a while ago."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She just says it, just right out, and the words echo in my head. I think for a minute I've made them up, but why in hell would I imagine her saying that? I don't even know how to feel about it, much less what to say. Mostly I just want to find a certain former bartender of hers and hit him until he can't smirk without it hurting five different places. Just really could have done without knowing this at all.

I try and pull myself together because I've got to say something, can't just sit like an idiot. Not going to just get up and leave, either. Want her too much to do that, and there's also the sure and certain knowledge that she could hunt me down and do for me without any trouble at all. "Verdi, I--why?" I bow my head, waiting for I don't know what. Don't want to think of her hand at the back of my neck, the pressure of her long, lovely fingers. But if it comes, maybe it will be quick.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

He doesn't say anything for a long time and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I should've lied. Eventually someone might have told him the truth anyway. Someone already did. I can't take it back now.

"Verdi, I--why?"

I don't know what to say. I'm quiet as I look at him, kneeling with a bowed head at my feet. Why hasn't he taken up a weapon? Most people would arm themselves first but not him and I don't understand why. I can't avoid his question either. I have only the truth and if he leaves after hearing it, then so be it.

"I made a bad choice. They didn't do anything to me and I--I gave in to my bloodlust. I got worse after that but that was the beginning." I don't touch him, keeping my hands in my lap. "I didn't have to kill them but it was important at the time that I did. I thought it would heal the holes in my memory and it worked but--" I tug on a hank of hair. "I shouldn't have done it. I'm not supposed to cut random threads."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She answers me plainly in a quiet, sad voice, not denying anything or trying to explain it away. I understand the words, but it's hard for me to understand the whole of it.

"Is that how it works?" The words come out quiet, a little strangled. "That you...kill young men and it heals you?" I blink real fast, leaving it unspoken in the air that here I am, not too old and sure as hell male, and she seems awfully fond of me.

Don't bother lifting my head. Just can't see any use in it. Spent so long fighting tooth and nail to stay alive, and it's come to this and I can't really bring myself to feel anything about what's going to happen. Just make it quick, please, goddess.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

"No, no. Well, yes but not anymore. I won't kill anyone, not unless I'm forced to." He isn't angry and hasn't left yet. The way he's kneeling has me thinking that maybe he's not going to try to leave either. "I don't want to be that person anymore."

He makes the strangest request and I reach out to lightly touch his hair. "I was lost and confused and when he offered to help, I thought he had all the answers to fix me." Mørk Ettall, I was so sure of it. "He didn't but I had to learn that the hard way. His path wasn't meant to be mine. I never should have forgotten that."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

Just very glad to hear she won't be killing anyone else, but I stay like I am, let her finish. Fine, so she was going through a bad time, and this fellow, who I'm pretty sure bought a drink from me two nights ago, told her he had the answers. Heard that one before, but I don't think she's lying to me.

Feel her hand on my hair and I flinch under it, then make myself still. "Verdi--" Not even sure what to say. "I'm sorry for your trouble, and I don't think--well, you're not different from when I first came to you. It's just strange, knowing." I shift and lean my head against her thigh, wondering what else to put in. "Not saying I haven't got blood on my own hands, and I'm sure as hell not saying I never got caught up with anyone and did things I shouldn't have. Not sitting here in judgment on you."

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

He flinches when I touch him but stays where he is. Am I supposed to say something else? I don't know but he's sympathetic and I didn't think he would be. He leans against my leg and my hand automatically goes into his hair, trailing through it as he talks softly.

"No? I don't understand why you're not judging me." I sigh. "Aren't you worried about what I could do to you?" I wanted to spend the day skating, not bringing up the ugly past but Jarmyn's asking about it. How could he have known? He works at the Whitechapel so maybe someone from there told him. "Did Gaueko tell you about it?"

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

So nice, her fingers through my hair. Oh, goddess. Thought I just finished explaining why I wasn't judging her, but maybe she needs reassuring. See if I can do that later, maybe in bed.

Her second question, though, is right at the front of my mind, too. "'Course I'm worried about what you could do to me." The words come out all at once, with something like a laugh. "Also know what you have done to me, though, and I guess when it comes to it, Verdi, I'm yours and-and you can do what you like with me." It's easier to say than I thought it would be. Yours, Verdandi.

Lift my head when she asks who told me, and shake it once. "Not him. I do know him, though. Iago told me." And I think I have to have a word with him, if she doesn't first.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

When he tells me he's mine to do with as I like, laughing as he explains, I give him a skeptical look. I'd ask if he was sure but I hear Yours, Verdandi so I guess he is. I nod, accepting before asking if Gaueko told him about the two men. I'm not sure why he would but Gaueko's a force of nature and trying to predict why he'd say anything....well, I don't play the What Would Gaueko Do game anymore. It's more trouble than it's worth.

"Not him. I do know him, though. Iago told me."

I just look at him, without saying anything for a minute before repeating, "...Iago?" That can't be right but Jarmyn's telling me it is. Iago wouldn't turn on me, would he? The more I think about it, the more I wonder if he might. There's a lot between us, Glass, Dorian, Gaueko.... I sigh. He might.

"That's weird because I don't know why he'd tell you something like that, especially since he still works here. He has to know that I'd want to ask why." I shrug, clueless about Iago's intentions and say, "You're still here though and if you really are mine, then kiss me like it doesn't matter what I did to those other people." It's a cold thing to ask but if he's really not sure, then I'll know.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

Can see her thinking over the idea of Iago spilling her secret. I don't much want to talk about him just now, though. She can settle all that with him if she cares to, and I hope the bastard bleeds over it.

She sets that aside quickly enough, shrugging and turning back to me. Of course I'm still here and of course I'm hers. The rest of it, though....

I straighten up on my knees and put my hand in her hair, gold going everywhere. Kiss her once, just lightly. "It matters, Verdi, but it can't be changed." And again. "Nothing's changed between us, though." And I just pray I can make that true. Neither one of us has changed, not really.

Kiss her a third time, deeply, like I've missed doing so many nights, and then just put an arm around her and lay my head on her shoulder. "Were you going out? I...don't want to keep you if you were." Want nothing more than to keep her, really, have pie and wine and go to bed to hide from the cold.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

"It matters, Verdi, but it can't be changed. Nothing's changed between us, though."

The three kisses he gives me convinces me that he means what he says and I smile brightly at him as he lays his head on my shoulder. Gathering him in my arms, I hug him close. "Good because I didn't want you to stop seeing me. I didn't want you to find out that way but I'm very happy that you're staying anyway."

He asks if I was going out and I say, "I was going to but not anymore. You're here now and I want to be with you instead." I point to my empty plate and continue, "Besides you brought me food. I can't play in the snow and eat pie too. I might drop the pie." I laugh. "I wouldn't mind another piece though, and some of that mulled wine to go with it please."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She hugs me, and I can feel her smiling. Maybe, maybe, everything will be all right.

Not going to try to talk her into going out if she doesn't want to, not when she sounds so happy about staying in with me. When she lets me go, I stand to my feet and drop a kiss lightly on the top of her head. "Missed you, Verdi." Seems like it needs saying again. So much, goddess.

In the kitchen the wine and spices I mixed are starting to steam, so I strain out two mugs for us and bring them back out to the table. Cut her another piece of pie and one for myself before I sit down on the other side of the table. Reach out for the hand she's not eating with as I try to think of something to say that's not just filling the space between us. "Do you--do you have trouble remembering things?" I know regular people do when they're old. Would've thought it'd be different for goddesses, though.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

"I missed you too, Jarmyn. More than I thought, now that I'm thinking about it," and I smile at him. "But now that you're here, we can be together."

He goes into the kitchen, returning with two steaming mugs and I take a sip. It's tastes wonderful and my smile's brighter when he places a slice of pie in front of me. "Thank you."

He's very kind to me and somehow, I keep expecting him to turn around and change his mind. Oh, there are lots of kind people in town but after knowing about the two young men, how many of them would still want to talk to me? I don't think many would and that has me thinking about vicious cycles.

His hand touches mine and he asks, "Do you--do you have trouble remembering things?"

"Yes, I do." I nod and say, "I remember everything that's happened in town but before then, there's only bits and pieces. And I remember everything before Ragnarǫk but once I diminished, I began to forget." I pet his hand before digging into my piece of pie. "I wanted to know more but I think now, that maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard." I shrug one shoulder. "What good would the long-ago past do for a goddess of the present? I think it's better to pretend there was nothing important between Twilight and Now. It's not perfect but I'm going with it."

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

It seems so still, even with the small sounds we're making eating and drinking. Maybe it's the snow outside. Maybe it's just that I haven't heard her in so long. She answers me, squeezing my hand. Such a small thing, when she's talking about so much. Not even sure what a couple of those words mean.

"Verdi--" Don't even know where to start. I guess she's right: it's now that matters, and going on, not wanting to know what happened so long ago. "I hope that in a hundred years...you remember me." So still, and the words said quiet don’t echo so much as they do fall.

I look down at my plate after I say it, because I can't watch her, not after I've said something like that. So small and stupid, to throw the time up at her, knowing we won't have anything like that long. Knowing she can't want anything like that with me. She's for right now, goddess of, and so am I for her.

[norn-verdandi.livejournal.com]

"Verdi-- I hope that in a hundred years...you remember me."

"You're not easy to forget, Jarmyn." I smile sweetly. "You shouldn't worry about it either, because we'll be together for as long as you like." I go back to eating my pie, swallowing the last bites. It tastes so good and I take a few sips of the hot cider.

"Is it important that I remember you?" and I put my hand on his. "What if I didn't?" It might happen but then I probably wouldn't remember it having happened in the first place. I've stopped trying to find out if that's important or not. It might matter to him though.

[jaeresteade.livejournal.com]

She tells me I'm not easy to forget, which I guess is good. Never wanted to be remembered so badly before. And...as long as I like? "Verdi, it's not only my wanting that matters." There's hers, and Ri's.

Not really sure what to say when she asks me is it important. Of course it is, to me, but if that's not plain to her already, I don't know how to make it clear. "If you don't, I guess I won't be around to remind you." I'm having to blink really fast, and I still can't look at her. I set my fork down and push my chair back, picking up her mug and mine. I'll go in the kitchen and collect myself, and everything will be all right.