What a nice night for a morning.

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

[In the early dark of Thursday, March 25 (day 298)]
[Glass and Iago's apartment at Sentinel House]

Woke up in the dark and couldn't sleep, and after lying abed and listening to the wind and the thin taps of rain, I got up and dressed, nightshirt and sweater and socks, and went to the kitchen. Not minded t'coax up a proper fire, but I've peppermint tea already brewed and pour some of that into a cup, set it on the stove to warm a little.

Nothing to do, it's an odd feeling. If it weren't yet Wednesday's night I'd maybe go out and down the graveyard, but there's poor luck to that and think Iago'd worry aside. Back to my workroom, smell of dry greens and young wood, and nothing to do there that wouldn't take longer than I care to spend on it.

Go back for my tea and find the book I said I'd try for, some tangle of a play with too few names and too many airs that's yet leaving me smiling, and sit back down on the bed in the dark. Draw up the blankets and quilt and'm... not reading, exactly, more glancing over the pages and then pausing to think for a little. After a while think Iago's due t'be home soon, and it's enough t'smile over, and I get up and light a candle for him and go back to waiting.

[Open to Iago]
[Closed - continues here]

Comments

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

Impressed by my current ability to multi-task, I manage to open the front door while juggling my bag and the squirming bundle in my jacket. There's a candle lit for me and I catch the scent of peppermint tea from the kitchen. I grin, knowing that my sweet wife is awake and I make my way to the bedroom as I call out, "Love, I'm home."

She's curled up in bed, as tempting as she ever was and I rake a hand through my damp hair before placing my bag at the bottom of the bed. Sitting down next to Glass, I lean forward and catch her face in my hands as I kiss her thoroughly. I hum before saying, "Delicious as always, love, and the peppermint's not bad either."

I gaze at her, unspoken promises in my eyes as I unzip my jacket. I reach in, winking at Milady Glass before setting my furry and now-meowing bundle in her lap. "She missed you," I say by way of explanation. "I have some food as well. I thought you might feel like eating something." I've a roguish grin as I add, "Besides me, of course."

Another kiss to her sweet mouth and I ask, "Is that the tea I brought home the other day? I know you like mint but I'll get whatever else tickles your fancy, love." Slipping off my jacket, I lean forward, shifting the cat out of my way before caressing and kissing Glass' belly. "How do you feel, love?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

One hand in his hair as he comes over, smelling of night air and thin rain and cigarettes, and kiss him slow and easy. "She missed you," he says, and then the llygotwr's announcing dislike over the matter of being ignored or not being fed or whatever it is has her ruffled. Smile and settle fingers in fur, smoothing it out.

"I have some food as well. I thought you might feel like eating something," he offers, and slow warmth at the thought that he thought to mind that though I might've been asleep for all he knew. "Besides me, of course."

"I'd not see you used up so," I say, quick smile to him and leaning towards him for another kiss. "Not if it's from the Tavern, but I'll join you otherwise." Matter of warm peppermint, then, and offer of aught else, and I smile and shake my head. "Mint's fine. It settles," I say, "and doesn't throw off sleep."

One hand in his hair as he leans down, slow touch of his mouth on my stomach. "How do you feel, love?" Draw him back up and gesture towards the empty space of the bed aside me.

"'m fine, cariad. Wasn't of a mood t'sleep, is all. How'd work treat you?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I'd not see you used up so," and I grin, thinking there are worse ways to go as I taste her familiar sweetness. As far as the food goes, "Not if it's from the Tavern, but I'll join you otherwise." I glance at the bag before saying, "Good thing it's from the café then. Has Cookie offended you, love?"

I ask about her tea and I'm pleased that peppermint seems to be helping my beautiful girl so well. Leaning forward, I greet our child and ask after Milady Glass' well-being as her soft fingers slide through my hair. Ah, my love, this is heaven and I rub my cheek against her belly. She draws me from my position and I marvel at her sweet loveliness as she gestures to the empty space next to her, replying, "'m fine, cariad. Wasn't of a mood t'sleep, is all. How'd work treat you?"

I rise, pulling off and dropping my damp shirt at the end of the bed. Shoes go underneath and I peel off my t-shirt as I say, "There were a few rowdies in but they were easy enough to toss out." Bare-chested, I crawl into bed, stealing a kiss before settling next to my wife-goddess. "Other than that, it went well. No sign of Wednesday woes anywhere and both Verdi and Lannie looked well. It was just another day."

Opening the bag, I lay out a cloth across the bedspread and begin pulling out the food. "There's meatloaf with brown sugar and ginger." I hand Milady Glass a napkin and utensils. "Pork chops with a fruity sauce, some sort of soup and shredded cheese." Riffling through the bag, I list the remaining items with interest, "There's potato salad and rice pudding as well. Anything strikes your fancy, love?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Good thing it's from the café then," he says light. "Has Cookie offended you, love?" Shake my head and look at him some curious, sure he sees the shape of it, but... well. Little matter. Strips out of his shirt and sits aside me, and I slide one hand 'cross his shoulders, settling against him. No grief of weight in the day, at least. "No sign of Wednesday woes anywhere and both Verdi and Lannie looked well."

Murmur some small noise of agreement. "Glad to hear of Lannie," I say as he opens up the bag and starts laying a table across the bed. "She chosen to be back long?"

Counts out a dish or four and finishes with "...potato salad and rice pudding as well. Anything strikes your fancy, love?"

"Cheese," I say promptly. "Maybe rice pudding after that... Not that I mind dining with you, Iago, never have, but is there occasion t'mark with this?" Nudge the llygotwr off the mattress as she comes up looking.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

Milady Glass shakes her head at my question and apparently, Verdi's still suspect. I don't comment on it and instead, remove my wet clothes before crawling into bed with my delicious wife. A soft hand slides across my skin and I sigh happily as she leans against me. Does she realize her effect on me?

"Glad to hear of Lannie. She chosen to be back long?"

I pause, pressing a kiss to her hair before replying, "Not yet and I have the extra duties to prove it. She'll be back. For now, she's enjoying her time off with Lucien."

Sorting through the food, I offer my love whatever she'd like. She makes her choices and says, "Not that I mind dining with you, Iago, never have, but is there occasion t'mark with this?"

I grin at her. "Must there be an occasion to share time and food with you, sweet girl? Or perhaps you suspect me of some ulterior motive?" I hand her the cheese, leaving the rest of the food in her reach as I taste the pork. Spearing another bit of pork, I keep a light tone as I continue, "I do have a question though. This move we made--," and I gesture to the room around us. "Do you plan on making that permanent for us, or do I get a say in the matter?"

Not missing a beat, I offer my fork to Milady Glass. In a suggestive tone, I add, "It's delicious and sweet, like you. You should try it."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Murmur acknowledgement to the matter of Lannie, and guessing she could do worse. "Must there be an occasion to share time and food with you, sweet girl? Or perhaps you suspect me of some ulterior motive?" and I'm laughing at that.

"Not must be," I say, "but may be, and I can ask." Take the cheese from him, and start cutting thin wedges.

"I do have a question though," and I look to him curious. "This move we made-- Do you plan on making that permanent for us, or do I get a say in the matter?" and the last few words are sour in my ears, somehow. Never said he didn't have a say, never anything of the kind. And then he's spinning 'round to a tease and a promise as I put my free hand to my head, try and think. "It's delicious and sweet, like you. You should try it."

"Not of the moment," I say calm, waving the pork aside. Matter of the move... well, then. "You said you care t'go back to the Tavern; I'd not do that, though trust you know I'll listen to aught you've to say on the matter. Is it misliking the size of this," I add, gesturing to our bedroom, "or are you looking to another place particular?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Not must be, but may be, and I can ask." I grin, nodding in agreement while saying, "Of course, my love." If she didn't ask, I'd suspect her of quiet duplicity as Milady Glass is a smart woman; smarter than most.

I ask my question, carefully watching her reaction as she refuses the offered utensil. Listening as she lays out her thoughts, I nod as she asks, "Is it misliking the size of this or are you looking to another place particular?"

I finish chewing and I reply, "Yes, that's part, but not all of it. I'd have preferred if you'd asked me how I felt about it then, rather than making the decision for both of us." Catching her free hand, I kiss the fingertips before continuing, "You don't want to go back right now and that's fine with me, love. Truly. Just next time..." And I leave it at that, confident that she'll catch my meaning.

I look around the room and say, "It's small, love, especially compared to the Tavern but that's not all. Our belongings are elsewhere." I slide the pudding closer to my beautiful wife before spearing another piece of meat. "This doesn't feel like home to me and perhaps that's because it was previously yours alone." I smile, not wanting Milady Glass to fret as I continue, "But I don't dislike it as much as you might believe. I'd live in a hole in the ground if it meant that I'd be with you, sweet girl, and this apartment is much nicer than that."

Another glance around the room. "I just don't believe that this place will best fit our needs. If we had no choice except to live here, it might be easier but we have options." I gaze into her gleaming eyes, brushing a thumb across her silken cheek as I softly ask, "Is your heart set on this apartment, Milady Glass?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Find I'm staring at him, can't help it.

"Next time?" Thought of it happening again leaves me feeling sick and cold, his fingers on mine suddenly hot by contrast, and take a moment to draw breath, steady my voice. "What, next time a god takes it upon themselves to, to undo a corpse in our cellar ground?" I shake my head. "I'll not stay nor sleep in such a place while I've the choice, this time nor next time nor any after that, Iago. I will not, no more and may be less than you'd've shared a room with your father while he was in town, and tell you that now."

Matter of our home being small, and our things being elsewhere, and faint surprise at that, but take a moment to sort how he might see it and nod. I've less here than when I lived alone, two of the six drawers in the dresser (much thanks to Dorian and his taking it on himself to burn my old clothes; imagine I'd take more space were it winter coming on and not summer), and a thin handful of oddments atop it. Kate's quilt's on the bed, and the jar of honey from Nu and the mask Simon gave us at the reception are sitting acorner. Been thinking faint I ought set the latter on the wall, but find I rather like it next to the jar...

And between that and stoneware and pans and cutlery and broom and cloth and soap and food and firewood and blankets and candles, not t'mention stove and cupboards and dresser and shower and electric lights and water and icebox, I'd not noticed the lack of aught particular. Know Iago's used to more, but suppose I'd expected that if he missed something he'd bring it home from the Tavern.

"This doesn't feel like home to me and perhaps that's because it was previously yours alone," he says. "But I don't dislike it as much as you might believe... I just don't believe that this place will best fit our needs."

Sniff at that, but no edge to it. "Cariad," I say smiling, "'m guessing you know that if I believed you're misliking it greatly, I'd draw up the matter afore now." Hardly after sitting around wringing hands if I think he's miserable over something as can be changed.

Hand light on my face and I lean gently into his touch as he continues, trying to set aside some growing unease. "If we had no choice except to live here, it might be easier but we have options. Is your heart set on this apartment, Milady Glass?"

"No," I say, my voice grown a touch distant to my own ears. Can't call my apartment a home for my living here afore I knew him, though he asked me to call his rooms our home and I never had any trouble there--well, may be that he's more particular, that's fine and I guess not too surprising. Same as him speaking of our things being elsewhere, though, our needs not met. There's a tangle here I can't quite place, leaves me ill at ease. You don't want to go back right now, he said, and I'm feeling again as I did talking with Nu, hands with a glove of graveyard dirt between me and aught I could touch and the unbroken silence of no-one else to speak what I understand. Right now's too short a word for the matter. As if it were a whim, some passing sulk over sharp words from... hell, I've no mind for who from. Someone for who I'd mind a cruel tongue and yet wouldn't care enough to try settling the matter.

Iago, my stormcrow, if I could set this into words, clear and bright, I would do it now.

"No, 'm not set on it. Only it's owned and near and has all needed, so when I had t'leave--" not when we had to leave, thinking he's made it clear that he could've stayed there despite what Verdandi did-- "it was simplest and quickest. All needed for me, I mean--understand you're missing things," I add. "What is it that you're wanting, the needs you find it's not meeting?" Faint smile at the passing thought that if he wants a mirror, I shall be starting at my own reflection for days until I'm used to't. Done that afore, no great hardship, and hardly as if it'd be much more to clean.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Next time? What, next time a god takes it upon themselves to, to undo a corpse in our cellar ground?" There's more and I listen as I continue to eat. My love's unsettled and although it pains me to disagree with her, I must, if only to tell her my point of view.

"Love, she was your friend once and if I recall correctly, you were glad of it." I keep her sweet hand in mine, not wanting to lose my cherished connection with her as I calmly continue, "And yes, she's breathing but of all the things to be upset about, this is something that I don't agree with or understand. She's done nothing to you."

My thumb rubs over her white knuckles, and I wonder if I'm comforting her or myself. "In Lannie's case, it was a misunderstanding, and as for Dorian, he's already forgiven her, gaining a boon in the bargain. I'm not upset with her either and yet, you choose to hold a grudge, sweet girl." I shake my head, uncertain of the particulars before I quietly add, "And she's not my father, love. My protection was of little concern to him. Not so with Verdi. The Tavern wards went up for us, not for her."

I share with her what I think of our current residence and I'm relieved that she doesn't mind discussing it. "No, 'm not set on it. Only it's owned and near and has all needed, so when I had t'leave--" Displeased as I catch the pause, I say nothing of it as she continues, "it was simplest and quickest. All needed for me, I mean--understand you're missing things. What is it that you're wanting, the needs you find it's not meeting?"

She's willing to compromise and that's a stone off my chest. My fork's set aside and I snake an arm around her waist, enjoying the press of her side against mine. "Want and need are two different things, love. I want the couch but as we don't need it and couldn't fit it anyway," I grin and wink as I add, "I'd settle for more closet space and maybe a porch." I almost don't want to suggest it but I do. "Maybe another house, something we could choose together...?"

I look around, remembering what I've been missing as I ask, "And why are there no mirrors? Shaving's been a bitch, love."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"She was," I say, still as stone, "and no, it's not me she did aught to. Makes no difference to me." Not with what she did, even without my being the target of it. Can feel my lips creeping back from my teeth at the thought.

"That others Verdandi's hurt in other ways call it healed, that's their matter and choice." First thought that comes to mind is 'd you care t'tell Dorian he ought forgive the Shuck because Wanda defends how he used her? but Dorian's yet a sour point with Iago, so I let it slide, turn to the other thing with the same weight. "Were A-Anushka yet here, d'you think matter of the mechanic at the Carnivale being fond of her'd make slightest difference towards my setting aside what she did t'me?"

"And she's not my father, love," and that I agree on. All else aside his father stayed dead. "My protection was of little concern to him. Not so with Verdi. The Tavern wards went up for us, not for her."

"I recall," I say quiet, thinking of my blood in the runes and afore that, Iago dropping senseless as a stone in the rain. Damn all gods to hell. "And that she was a friend once and was kind, and that the Tavern was a safe place--" and weren't there few enough of those, this last year-- "it's not enough." I recall a story my mam told me once, a town (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ones_Who_Walk_Away_from_Omelas) drew its life from a child's suffering, a child forced to be a scapegoat rather'n choosing it as we do. It's not the same, Verdandi's not wounded another for the making of her kindness to me, but taking one as was helpless and tearing it apart so through...

Shudder runs through me, and I pull back from the shattering white. Sit there for a moment, hand in his, and in a little while I can turn to a kinder matter, hearth and home, and hold to it for it being easier to think on.

"Where you expect us to put a closet..." I say soft, but'm smiling faint. Hardly thinking a porch is something t'add on, though--it'd scarce fit aside the house--but what he says next addresses the matter. "May be," I say in agreement. No particular objection to living elsewhere, and hardly think we'll settle on a place that's lacking in what we have.

"And why are there no mirrors? Shaving's been a bitch, love."

"Why'd there be?" I say, shrugging, and then, curious, "You never fell to habit of shaving without?" Sure, I've seen folk to go to a barber rather than do for themselves, but that's for matter of a razor not being to hand. "There wasn't one when I came here, never saw need nor want for one, and so never laid hands on one."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"it's not enough."

Milady Glass is being unreasonable and while I agree with one of her statements, others only bear a passing semblance to what we're speaking about. This hasn't been anything other than an emotional discussion for her, while I've been viewing this quite differently. I consider her prickly attitude and what to do about it. My love's stubborn when emotionally tangled and immediately I decide that a perspective shift on my part is the best solution. In the end, I'll have what I truly want and that's all that matters.

"So you say, love, and for now, I'll not contradict you further." Gently squeezing her soft hand in mine, I continue tenderly, "I'd prefer we enjoy our meal together instead, my sweet girl."

Our discussion shifts to talk of a new home and she says, "May be." Pleased, I nod. Already, I have plans.

I ask about the lack of mirrors and she replies, "Why'd there be? You never fell to habit of shaving without? There wasn't one when I came here, never saw need nor want for one, and so never laid hands on one."

I grin. "You're a rare breed, love, to not need a mirror. Most women primp in them, at least the ones I was involved with, and so I was never without one." I caress her cheek. "You're a unique beauty with your gleaming eyes and sweet mouth," and I kiss it for good measure. "But I need a mirror." I smile. "I'll bring one from the Tavern, along with whatever else you might need for now. We'll move the rest when we find a new home."

My arm's still wrapped around her waist as I reach for my fork. "I believe I saw a house not far from here. It would keep us in town and close to Alessandra as well. Perhaps we'll look at it this week, if you feel up to it."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

There's that odd unease when I hear "...and for now, I'll not contradict you further," words slipping 'round each other, and'm feeling still and lonely again. Didn't expect him to understand, don't expect most t'understand, but it's still a cold truth that they don't. "You're a rare breed, love, to not need a mirror," and laugh a little at that as he mentions bringing it and aught else over.

"You're a delicate soul to need one," I answer, smiling. "And Iago," patient now and speaking clear, "there's nothing I need that I left at the Tavern." Thought I made that plain with saying home had all it needed for me, but may be work's yet on his mind. Trust he'd've understood elsewise. "What else were you planning t'move?"

"I believe I saw a house not far from here," he adds, arm loose 'round my waist and I can feel the slow warmth of him even through sweater and robe. Think of teasing him--only one?--and lean against him and smile instead. "It would keep us in town and close to Alessandra as well. Perhaps we'll look at it this week, if you feel up to it."

"Surely," I say; hardly any reason I'd not, suppose it can't be too far. Wonder if it has stairs or a basement. "Is it far from Kate and the Apothecary? And'm guessing there's more rooms to't and larger," I add, "and cleaning is going t'be after getting harder in coming months. Taking up the difference suits you?" Trust it'll be easier than teaching him t'cook. No cleaning rag ever caught fire--

Well, this is Excolo, and Iago aside, but cleaning rags stay damn unlikely t'catch fire when simply used on floors.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"You're a delicate soul to need one, and Iago, there's nothing I need that I left at the Tavern." I nod while considering what needs to be boxed up and what can be left behind. She asks, "What else were you planning t'move?"

I have a ready answer. "Clothes, odds-and-ends and some of the furniture. The bed's too big so I'll just leave it and we'll get another." I'm not looking forward to shifting through our possessions without her but it has to be done. "And I'll send Dorian's things to the Sacred Whore this week. I can't imagine he'd not want them returned," and I leave it at that.

I mention a possible new home, suggesting we take a look at it and the notion seems to please her. "Surely. Is it far from Kate and the Apothecary? And'm guessing there's more rooms to't and larger, and cleaning is going t'be after getting harder in coming months. Taking up the difference suits you?"

Shaking my head, I reply, "No, it's not far at all." At the mention of cleaning, I say, "Don't worry, love. I didn't mind it most times at the Tavern and I'll likely feel the same in another place." I grin as I mention another option. "And if I do, I can always hire someone else to come in and help out once a week or so."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"The bed's too big so I'll just leave it and we'll get another," and I don't care for the damn Tavern at all but there's a thin sharp pain in my throat at the thought. "And I'll send Dorian's things to the Sacred Whore this week. I can't imagine he'd not want them returned."

"Mind you don't break any of the pans," I say soft, and there's a dryness low in the back of my mouth. Understand that they're done with each other, for all I yet speak t'Dorian, but it hurts. "He'd complain for a month. If that's all you want, more space and more things, ought keep the bed. Particular as we've not settled on moving t'the house you've seen; might yet find space for it."

"Don't worry, love," he says easy. "I didn't mind it most times at the Tavern and I'll likely feel the same in another place. And if I do, I can always hire someone else to come in and help out once a week or so."

Wrinkle my nose to that, and find I'm shaking my head. "I'd not have another in our house for such a matter. Mean, don't mind a friend coming over t'help of a bad week, but..." Shrug it aside. "Sure it'll be sorted."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Mind you don't break any of the pans. He'd complain for a month."

It's spoken softly and I swallow my sharp retort. It's for Dorian, not her and instead I say, "I'll do my best."

That I'd rather dump it all in the river is something else I keep to myself and I entertain black thoughts before forcing myself to pay attention as she continues, "If that's all you want, more space and more things, ought keep the bed. Particular as we've not settled on moving t'the house you've seen; might yet find space for it."

Pretending a calm I don't feel, I quietly say, "No, I don't want that bed." I glance away, thinking it's not about more before continuing, "I want something new." I glance back to her, offering with a smile, "If you'd like another that same size, I'll see about finding one, love. We'll know soon enough if we need it or not."

At the mention of bringing in house-help, Milady Glass isn't as enthused as I am, preferring something else, "...don't mind a friend coming over t'help of a bad week, but... Sure it'll be sorted."

I nod, not having expected a different answer before asking, "Do you mean Kate or someone else, love?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"No, I don't want that bed," and I do, draw my knees up to my chest with my arms 'round them and look aside. Don't want the bloody Tavern, but want the bed in it, near enough t'laugh over. Best chance it's where I quickened, after all, and that's not the whole of it.

I gave him a ring, we gave him a ring, and months later he ran--he does that, you always knew that--cat-scared. All you forgave him, my near-dying you forgave him, and it's his drawing back from speaking with you that has you cut him out of your life? Precious fine feelings you have, that need care so much more tender than my skull.

"No," I say quiet. "I liked that one, and size isn't the matter." Flick the fingers of one hand to set the matter aside. "Sure's hell we don't need anything of the sort, the breadth and size of it. I've no mind for how you're using that bloody word, in any case."

Matter of keeping house and "Do you mean Kate or someone else, love?"

"What?" Look t'him confused. "'m not planning t'have anyone over t'help, Iago. Only if I needed it, 'd ask her or maybe another something close t'her..." Trail off, looking for names. "Simon or Hermia, maybe." Miao, surely, but I'd not ask her t'stand and carry, not with her feet.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I tell her I don't want the bed and watch her openly as she curls into herself. Her voice is low and I recognize a note of misery as she says, "No, I liked that one, and size isn't the matter." She makes a dismissive gesture and continues, "Sure's hell we don't need anything of the sort, the breadth and size of it. I've no mind for how you're using that bloody word, in any case."

I sigh quietly, closing my eyes. No matter what choice is made, someone's going to be unhappy. Accepting that it's likely going to be me, I tighten my arm on her waist, squeezing lightly as I softly ask, "What does it matter what bed it is, love? Why must we keep that one?"

What started as a simple tease on my part is now something else, something fraught with unwelcome possibilities. "'m not planning t'have anyone over t'help, Iago. Only if I needed it, 'd ask her or maybe another something close t'her..." I shrug, pretending to be unconcerned until she says, "Simon or Hermia, maybe."

Before I can stop myself, I say, "Not Simon." I shake my head, reaching out to grab my smokes as I quietly add, "He's your friend, not mine and if we need the help, I'd rather you not choose him." Deciding to not smoke in our small bedroom, I drop the pack and say, "I'll be fine with any tasks, love. Whatever I don't know, you'll just have to direct me. We'll work it out, sweet girl."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"What does it matter what bed it is, love?" he says, and I feel him leaning close. "Why must we keep that one?"

"If it didn't matter," I say soft, "you'd not be seeing it gone." Trust no more needs being said on that. "But as we're not keeping it, not saying it matters at all."

"Not Simon." Oh, well enough, as keeping me from getting shattered by the thing in the tower pales against not brawling with the Shuck in the Whitechapel, but healing help afore she took up murdering folk for convenience? That's meant to drown out what Verdandi did to the dead. I ought stack up each and all of these things against the other, sometime, if what others forgive is meant t'be of such great weight. "He's your friend, not mine and if we need the help, I'd rather you not choose him."

"That's a word for it," I say soft. Don't think it near to covers it, Simon and Azrael and the both of them, but there's no particular contradiction to it--and true enough Iago doesn't count him as a friend. And there is a lot I could say, but last time I spoke for him, Iago ended up seething over how easy his own death'd be for me and storming out. It's yet Wednesday night and there's little enough space here, could see him heading out into the rain, and I sigh and lean down and pick up the damn cat. "I'll mind that. And sure you'll manage what needs doing," I add, trying for a lighter tone. The purring and soft fur 'neath my fingers helps.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

In a low, soft tone, she says, "If it didn't matter, you'd not be seeing it gone. But as we're not keeping it, not saying it matters at all."

I frown, displeased for getting my way and I gently urge, "It does matter, love. and if you want to keep it, please say so." Almost unconsciously, my hand moves from her side to her back, slow circles moving over her spine. I'm contrite as I say, "I didn't realize it would unsettle you, sweet girl and I want to talk about it with you."

We disagree over Simon and I'm uncertain if it's something to be pursued. It's a moot point when my sweet wife says, "I'll mind that. And sure you'll manage what needs doing."

I cross my fingers, showing them to Milady Glass and match her light tone as I reply, "I'll keep my fingers crossed. You have more confidence in my ability than I do so I'll carry that with me. Perhaps the laundry will seem less daunting for it."

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"I set the laundry out to Mrs Rainey as of Sunday," I say mild. "As to the old bed..." Trail off a moment, looking to nothing in particular.

"It is the dark of Wednesday night," I say calm. "You're already planning t'see our old bed gone, you know now I liked it, and you don't want it. And as I liked it for memory of us three and talking of Dorian leaves you unhappy these days, 'm not thinking the matter's worth the misery."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I echo, "Mrs. Rainey?" Well, I suppose that settles that then and I add with a smile, "Thanks, love, for saving me from that task."

She's quiet for a moment and then we're back to the matter of the bed. Her tone is even and as I pressed the issue, I listen closely. At the mention of Dorian, I grimace, knowing that she's telling me the truth and yet it makes me uneasy to hear it anyway. Softly, I say, "Unhappy is one word for it. Angry might be another." I sigh. "A tad embittered as well and I'm tired of it, love."

I rake my fingers through my unruly hair, pulling the strands away from my eyes. "I've felt off-kilter every time we've discussed him and likely it's made me sharp a time or two." Reaching over, I clasp her hand in mine and bring it to my lips. A soft kiss is pressed to her knuckles before I continue apologetically, "You're my heart always and it's not what I intended, Milady Glass."

Revisiting the bed matter, I say, "It seems you want the bed for the same reason I'd see it go." I turn, sitting to face her as I explain. "I didn't know you wanted the bed until you just said it, love, so yes, I was planning to get rid of it. You told me you wanted nothing else from the Tavern but it seems you did." I pause as I consider options for compromise. "Perhaps if we turned over the mattress...?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"I know," I say soft in answer to his trying t'smooth over the matter of his mood, and touch his face light with my free hand. Sure of that at least, that his misery on the matter's not meant t'be shared.

"It seems you want the bed for the same reason I'd see it go," he says, shifting to face me. "I didn't know you wanted the bed until you just said it, love, so yes, I was planning to get rid of it. You told me you wanted nothing else from the Tavern but it seems you did."

"I don't," I say, and that's not exact but it's true enough. "Only I hate the thought of you being so glad t'see it gone, cariad. And'm not thinking that's after changing." Listen as he's making suggestion of turning over the mattress and'm shaking my head.

"Iago," I say gently, "we don't have space for the damn thing, nor know we'll be finding it. Just..." Shake my head again. "Leave it for speaking of when the matter needs come up?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

It's good advice and I nod. Leaning forward, I kiss the most beautiful girl in the world and say, "You're right, love. We'll just wait and talk about it then." My hand slides over her belly, gently stroking as I softly smile. "Perhaps we'll need the bigger bed anyway. Our little one may need to stretch out," and I raise my hands in the air, grinning as I demonstrate.

I slide close to her, wanting to feel her heat against me and I say, "You'll never guess who I saw the other day, love." Picking up a fork, I spear a bit of meatloaf. It's good and I spear a second piece before continuing, "Three guesses, sweet girl and if you win, I'll kiss you any where you choose."

She's not played many games with me lately and truly, I'd not mind one now. Milady Glass might need a bit more incentive so to encourage her to play, I continue in a mysterious tone, "Or I could show you something you've never seen before." Chuckling, I add, "All you have to do is guess correctly and if you don't, you'll owe me a secret of your own."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

That settled, at least, squall and squabble that could've been blown over and gone. "You'll never guess who I saw the other day, love," he adds, turning back to the food. "Three guesses, sweet girl and if you win, I'll kiss you any where you choose," and starting to smile at that when he adds "Or I could show you something you've never seen before."

"That," I say, feeling a grin cut across my face. "That I'd care to see."

"All you have to do is guess correctly and if you don't, you'll owe me a secret of your own."

"Well enough." Raise an eyebrow at him and smile. "And if you happen t'choose breaking an egg for the yolk, cariad, I shall be making time to tickle you without mercy. As to the guessing..." Trail off a moment. "I'll say the Shuck, first--and if that's not the truth of the matter, 'd trouble you on question of whether which other day it was matters?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I offer my sweet girl one of two prizes and I can't help but grin madly when she chooses something she's never seen. It's what I would've chosen and I make certain to share the price of the forfeit as well. Either way we both win and I lick my lips, thinking I may be stealing those kisses anyway.

She gives me quite the fetching look and speaks of eggs, yolks and my favorite tickle torture before making her first guess. The fork forgotten, I gaze hotly into her eyes while sliding my hand along the length of her thigh. "My delicious, merciless wench, should I ever earn such a punishment from you--" I pause as my hand curves along her inner thigh. "Then surely I deserved it."

I kiss her, unable to resist her red mouth any longer. Tasting a bit of heaven before reluctantly pulling away, I say, "Not the Shuck, love, but an excellent first guess." I squeeze her thigh and continue, "And the day was Sunday." Ah, I love games like this one and I steal another kiss, happy to silently charge kisses for clues.

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Laughing a little as he answers to the tease, and then "Not the Shuck, love, but an excellent first guess. And the day was Sunday," he adds, between light touches from fingers and mouth, and nothing particular there, take a moment to unwind under his touch.

Dorian and Simon come t'mind, and thinking neither of those're mild enough to suit his mood. And never guess... "Laurence?" I say thoughtful, and catch that it's not, and consider again. "Last guess, I'll say Reed, as used t'work at the 'Boy."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

Two guesses and neither are correct. I'll have to remember to use Laurence as the answer to some other question though as she might not guess the same name twice. Perhaps I should've given her clues and I offer, "One last guess, sweet girl, just because I love you." I wink at her and continue, "And I'll even give you a hint."

I purse my lips, considering how to word my clue and I say, "There's quite a few redheads in towns and although you're familiar with most of them," If she wasn't, I'd be amazed. "You know some of them especially well. My mystery person is one of them." I grin. "One more try, love. Guess well and my secret is yours."

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"Can't be Wanda," I say, "you saw her Sunday when you bought the peppermint tea, so that's hardly a thing I'll never guess." Count off the others with red hair I know for more or at least sharper than speaking to in passing, and of them the least likely's not hard to place. "Kaeli Whyte?" I settle on.

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

When she says it can't be Wanda, I do my best to hide my grin as that's the correct answer. After some consideration, my love decides to guess, "Kaeli Whyte?"

I shake my head, saying, "No, love, it's not the school mistress although that's a good choice." I give her a look of mock-horror as I continue, "She'll be teaching our child one day." I eye Milady Glass' belly and say to it, "Give her a bit of trouble, little one. Hide the chalk."

Chuckling, I retrieve my fork. "It seems you owe me a secret." With a smug grin, I continue, "I'd like that now, love, and perhaps afterwards, I might be inclined to share that name with you. For the right incentive, of course." I kiss her softly, gently nipping her sweet lower lip before adding, "Kisses make the best currency, sweet wife."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"No, love, it's not the school mistress although that's a good choice. She'll be teaching our child one day," and I raise an eyebrow as he adds "Give her a bit of trouble, little one. Hide the chalk."

"She will?" I say, sniffing. "'m thinking there's better choices than that. And the man helping her's not something I like nor trust."

Grinning, then, and "It seems you owe me a secret," and fair enough, though my attentions more on "...and perhaps afterwards, I might be inclined to share that name with you."

"Lucien lay with Jarmyn," I say, kissing him back. Tastes sweet and hot, and I'm trying to recall what he said it was as'd leave taste of that, smile as I recall brown sugar and ginger. "Back mid-February, and Miao not hearing of it for weeks." Twine my fingers in his hair and draw him close, mouth on his in the candlelit room and the quick light touch of his tongue, my teeth... "Who was it you saw, that's such a secret?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"She will? 'm thinking there's better choices than that. And the man helping her's not something I like nor trust."

Between kisses, I reply, "It'll be quite a while before the baby goes to school, love. Perhaps her helper won't be there by then." My hand strokes her belly again and I say, "I had tutors as a child along with school. There's no reason we can't do the same."

Milady Glass offers her secret, one about Lucien and Jarmyn and I chuckle, saying, "Lucien has excellent taste. Come to think of it, so does Jarmyn to have taken up with Lucien." I consider what my sweet girl added about Miao and I ask curiously, "Isn't Miao still taking customers? Does she tell Lucien of each of them or no?" Perhaps they have an agreement. Perhaps not and I'd shrug but I choose to continue kissing the sweetest woman in Excolo instead.

"Who was it you saw, that's such a secret?"

She's absolutely delicious and I move from her lush mouth to her jawline, working my way to the soft shell of her ear. A nibble and a lick and I whisper hotly, "I saw Wanda." I press a kiss behind her ear and I add, "And baby Rose as well."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Isn't Miao still taking customers? Does she tell Lucien of each of them or no?" and I shrug.

"How'd I know? Way she took it, thinking she'd tell him of anyone else she'd choose to see, if there is one such." And then he's kissing me again, tongue and teeth and slow tease nearly drowning out his whispers, and--

"I saw Wanda."

--wait, what?

"I know you saw Wanda," I say through patient teeth, pulling away so I can bloody well talk and trying to hold back my temper. "You told me you got my peppermint tea from the Dormouse, I told you if you were after buying me any such thing better to do it from the Apothecary, remember? That's not--" I hiss air through my teeth, draw back and turn away from repeating what I told him a moment ago.

"Love, it'd be the next thing to cheating if I claimed you'd never guess what I saw today and waited until you'd gone through guesses afore telling you it was the rain. Sure you'd never guess, you already know I did." Flick the fingers of one hand in dismissal. "You want a secret, you can damn well ask for it, rather than trying tricks t'make it seem I owe you one. You've never needed t'do that."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

Milady Glass is peeved and as she pulls away, she's sharp with me. My eyes narrow and I pull away further. "I see." Turning back to the food, I'm silent as I finish the meatloaf. I'm irritated, immensely so and beneath that is something else, a niggling hurt but rather than express it, I focus on the food instead.

Contemplating what next to eat, I casually say, "Then I suppose nothing else need be said about Wanda." So much for that and I'm struck with the persistent, worrying thought that I'll be found lacking later regarding that situation. I pull the potato salad closer, ready to set my fork to it as I continue evenly, "It wasn't a trick, love, but if you see it that way, then I'll say it is as well."

I give her a steady look before turning back to the potatoes. "It seems I owe you, Milady Glass. What do you want?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Waves off the matter of Wanda and sets to his food, and not saying a damn thing, and the air grows cold and heavy with silence. "It wasn't a trick, love," he says, and starting to ease a little, feeling the ice begin to crack when he adds, "but if you see it that way, then I'll say it is as well," and the distance between us grows clear and sharp.

"It seems I owe you, Milady Glass. What do you want?" and look at him, shake my head.

"You ask me that after you've told me plain you'll speak me a lie," I say quietly.

And after a moment, "I want you t'damn well think about what you say t'me." Bite off I'm not an idiot, and go on with "You know I knew you saw her. You told me. So if you didn't care t'be playing tricks--and don't start cossetting me if you say it wasn't, don't you be sucking lies t'humour me--think about what you're saying..."

Run my hand 'round the back of my neck, and shake my head.

"I'm tired," I say blunt. "Trust you saying it's not a trick, fine. Think you were damn careless, knowing how fine you are with words." Know it's not the first time, either, but it's not overcommon, and wave a hand at his plate.

"Finish and come t'sleep," I say tired. "Don't lie t'me. Don't make me a game, don't forget t'tell me something you guess I'd care t'hear, don't..." I trail off, looking at him in the candlelight, and my voice sounds so distant in my ears.

"I'm not after drawing up rules. I try'n'mind you, you do me the same."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"You ask me that after you've told me plain you'll speak me a lie."

I look at Milady Glass for a moment, saying nothing as I attempt to process what she's just said. Liar, liar. There's more and I'm tight-lipped as my love continues in a displeased tone. Liar, liar. It's all I hear and I again force myself to focus past that, on what she's actually saying, rather than surrendering to those spinning blades (liar) in my thoughts.

I don't feel as if I could string together two words properly, tongue-tied like a fool, and I ponder where my fine way with words has gone to. Following her directions, I begin to pack up what's left of the food as she lays out a list of what I shouldn't be doing. I don't like her tone and while it pains me to hear it, it's worse yet to know I'm the cause of it.

She quiets in the middle of number four and I glance at her to determine why. She's beautiful in the candlelight, truly in any light I know of and it amazes me that I love her so desperately. It certainly accounts for the reason why her scoldings prick so badly. I truly care what she thinks. What a predicament.

I'm placing the last bit of dinner back in the bag, my thoughts churning as she says, "I'm not after drawing up rules. I try'n'mind you, you do me the same."

A corner of my mouth turns up as I'm reminded of a similar favor my sweet wife once asked of me. Favors, promises, rules, they're all the same between us and this, at least, I understand without second guessing. I slip to the edge of bed, leaning close to cup her silken cheek and kiss her before softly saying, "Give me a minute in the kitchen. I'll be right back."

And I am, food stored away in record time and I'm quickly shedding the last of my clothes before settling myself under the warm blankets with her. Leaning on my elbow, I turn to face her and say with a bit of gentle amusement, "You want everything from me, don't you? I suppose you're rightly entitled to it as I did promise it to you."

Unsure where to begin and I blurt out, "I held Wanda's baby and liked it, the holding part, more than I thought I would. I liked the baby too, despite knowing who her father is. I saw her dungeon. I bought tea!" I sigh, adding more as I say, "I think you're judging Verdi too harshly, lumping her in with the likes of your father, and while I don't disagree with moving elsewhere, I do disagree with how quickly you judged her with so little information."

That was better, a bit more than I'm comfortable with but that's what she asked for and I continue, "I'm uncomfortable that you still love Dorian. I still love him too, and it makes me angry that I can't restrain my unruly heart, and yet all that doesn't stop me from wanting you to restrain yours. Unfair, I know, but it's how I feel." I take a deep breath but I'm still shaky as I say, "I think he's a coward for taking the easy way and running off but I feel the fool too, for advising you to cherish him even when I knew he was unreliable. I'd hoped for more from him but I was terribly wrong so now I'm embittered over the whole affair. I'm not sorry I beat him near to death with an iron though. Not sorry at all."

I'm on a roll and I can't seem to stop now that I've started. "I think Kate's a holier-than-thou goody-goody who doesn't like me but because you care for her, I find myself caring more than I'd like to. I think she'd be an excellent aunt of the stricter sort though, and I'd not hesitate to trust her alone with our little one."

Raking the hair back from my face, I continue, words spilling out in a quiet stream. "I don't feel like I can normally be honest with you without you getting angry or judging me poorly, and so I make it into a game, making it easier for me to share my thoughts. And while I don't want you to be less-than-honest with how you feel, there's something to be said for adding a bit of humor or extra kindness on your part to soften the blow of your judgment. Your tongue's sharp and I take everything you say to heart."

There's more but for now, that's more than enough to make or break me for the night and I lean against the pillow, uncertain of what to expect from my love.

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"You want everything from me, don't you?" he says, ghost of a smile on his face. "I suppose you're rightly entitled to it as I did promise it to you." And hesitates a moment and then words spilling out, clear and clean and quick as sluice of rainwater, and I listen as he speaks and wait for a moment, taking the slow measure of it best I can. Your tongue's sharp and I take everything you say to heart.

"I love you," I say, and let that stand for a moment in the warm and gathering dark. "I--know I've an edge on my tongue. Not used to watching it. I'd not hurt you. May be I'll be angry with you, but I love you and I'd not hurt you. And can make a game of it still and always, if it's setting you at ease, just as the game's of toying with secrets and not with me. What you've said..." Wait a moment, again, trying to sort it, and how is it that something so clear needs setting out?

"I went to the cellar, in the Tavern," I say quiet, slipping down under the blankets and quilt and propping myself up on one elbow to look down at him, "and saw Verdi's body. Some care taken with her, yes, but still something I could do, was going to do, some help I could give. And that corpse, Verdandi unmade her. Shattered her as Anushka Voronin shattered the ghosts of the manor, white light and mandrake scream, and them torn to pieces in the light. That is what I know, and monster and horror I call Verdandi for that, anghenfil angiriol. Leave matter of the two men killed for sport, leave matter of what was done to Dorian, but undoing that corpse I will not leave and will not take shelter where it was done."

And to the next... for the tangle of what was done to him and to me, what he did to me, why. For sorrow and sympathy and the taste of rain, even if we can't either of us bloody bet to speak to the other without it maybe falling into pieces. For him being maybe father of my child, even if he's bloody strange over some weight of that, and not bolting 'til he saw me safe. "Dorian, I don't-- it's not love, but I'd have him in my life," I say plain after a moment. "And think Kate's a better person'n either of us, any of us, and that's of a piece with it too. She minds strangers. She minds those she doesn't care for. Me, I never did, and knew it, and that was... that was aright. It isn't, now." Terror to hear myself say that, and I am starting to weep, wipe the tears away and shake my head to indicate it's no matter, no matter I can't speak through, and no mind for why this even matters, only trust that it does.

"The Shuck and Verdandi to Dorian, and Anushka to me, and the thing that tore Julian Parson to pieces and left him ragged. I would not be as that. I would not... an' I could, I would turn such horrors away from happening, whether done to you and Kate or to Laurence or to-- Mrs. Wilson, Edith Wilson, it doesn't matter. I do not care who they are done to, you see? I would not have them done at all, now, and it wasn't so afore. Used to be I could watch for only mine, and that's not the way of it anymore. So I find myself misliking matters I didn't used to think of, you understand? And where that leads, the work it'll mean, I'm afraid."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I love you," she says and although it's something I already know, I never tire of hearing it. My sweet wife acknowledges her razor tongue, explaining further and my heart swells. I'm a lucky man to have a lover so willing to work things out and it reminds me to not forget to do the same. Smiling at Milady Glass, I admit, "I'm not perfect, love, not by any stretch of the imagination but I'd not hurt you either. Truth be told, I usually enjoy your sharp tongue but I enjoy it more when you're especially sweet."

She pauses and I wonder if she'll touch on Wanda or Verdi first. She begins with, "I went to the cellar, in the Tavern," and I have my answer. I listen intently, greatly interested in her point of view as I slide a bit caloser to her. I nod and say, "Love, that's the first time I've understood the details in why you feel the way you do. It's not made sense to me before but I understand it better now and I'll not force the issue with you again."

I softly stroke her cheek and I quietly say, "We don't ever have to move back, love and I'll do my best to always be honest with you about Verdandi. I only hope you understand that I can't abandon her, not now and as you once looked after Lucien, I'll be doing the same for Verdi."

"Dorian, I don't-- it's not love, but I'd have him in my life," and my eyebrows shoot up before she continues, "And think Kate's a better person'n either of us, any of us, and that's of a piece with it too. She minds strangers. She minds those she doesn't care for. Me, I never did, and knew it, and that was... that was aright. It isn't, now."

My sweet girl begins to cry and I wind my arm around her waist. I'm pressing the length of my body to hers, hoping to comfort her as she's speaking of terrible incidents in the recent past. I shift a bit to lay on my back and I pause, considering long and hard all of what she's just said. "Love, I've never said this you but considering all you've just told me, I think I should. Do you remember the dream of the red and blue cities? I believe you've chosen the blue one, love."

I exhale quietly before adding, "Admittedly, that makes me a bit nervous, the making of a firm choice but it's okay, sweet girl. You've been headed that way for a while and perhaps I have as well. It'll be fine, love," and I wipe away any tears left before kissing her softly. I'm thinking of what's she said earlier and I grimace a bit, but I'm gentle as I say, "Your denial of loving Dorian reminds me of Dorian himself as he'd say the same thing about you." I shake my head. "It's something you both have in common, and I'm surprised you haven't seen it for yourself already."

Another shake of my head and I sigh before saying, "I'll not have him back, love. If we weren't important enough for him to try to work it out with us in the first place, then I'm dead-set against him having another chance. Ever." I glance down before looking back to her sweet face. "I don't trust him, not with us, and our marriage is too precious for me to let him dally in it as the whim pleases him." I give her a sad look as I add, "I don't want to share you or myself with him. I don't want to be hurt again."

I consider what's she said about Kate and say. "While I agree that Kate's a good person, I'm less inclined to raise her to sainthood." I frown briefly and continue, "I remember a curse, on a corpse no less and yet, she's better than you or me? I think not. She's not perfect, love, and it would be easier for me to shift opinions if I knew you judged her as fairly as you did others." I sigh but I'm not angry and so I make certain to keep my tone soft and even. "And yes, there were repercussions for Kate but I see those as just desserts. If she were truly better than most, she'd have not done it in the first place."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Oh the cities... I've not thought of them particular in months, though I recall well enough. "Don't think it counts," I say quiet, there in the circle of his arms. "Not a choice-- not for sake of the blue, you see? Only that I've come to hate what the red things do." I sigh, the tears slowing some. "I dreamt of Nanshe once, said might's well call it choice to pull one's hand out of a fire."

"Your denial of loving Dorian reminds me of Dorian himself as he'd say the same thing about you," and I shake my head. Dorian'll say it, rare enough that I could count on less than the fingers of one hand, but...

"It's not love," I say tired. "Care for him, yes, not saying that's not true, but love-- 's a thing that matters," and, well, that was less than particular for a way to set out meaning, wasn't it? Keep trying, tongue fumbling as I do. "Measure of you taking on pain to spare another from it, mind or heal them. No ways to do that with him, you see? Nothing he needs, nothing..." and that's not seeming right, the shape of it in my mouth, and I run out of words, growl in exasperation and push my hair back.

"You'd have me have nothing t'do with him, for what he did that cuts you so deep," I say quiet, "though you'll not cut ties with Verdandi. I'm misliking that." Misliking as well that you gave him a ring same as I did, and now you'd set him aside. Not sure what it means, exact, to break with that promise.

'Course, he didn't understand what it meant when I came to live with him, either. Oh my mother's bones, I am so tired... Lean back against him and find I'm lacking words.

"While I agree that Kate's a good person, I'm less inclined to raise her to sainthood," he says presently, and lays out the why of it, and...

"Never called her a saint," I say, startled, "and wouldn't." Though there was that matter of the nail... Priests and priestesses of Excolo. "I see her clear and judge her fair, it's only that I love her that changes things when matter of consequence comes around. And minding those she doesn't need or care for, that's better than us, kinder than us. It's not a thing you need t'be a saint to do. Me, times I've done that it's for hating messes, not caring for another's pain."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

In a soft tone, she says, "Don't think it counts. Not a choice-- not for sake of the blue, you see? Only that I've come to hate what the red things do." Not wanting to interrupt her, I smile as I gently wipe away the trails of wetness from her soft cheeks. "I dreamt of Nanshe once, said might's well call it choice to pull one's hand out of a fire."

I pause, considering that and I say, "For whatever reason you made the choice, sweet girl, I do believe that it still counts." I sigh dramatically. "I suppose that means that I must make the choice as well." I grin, joking as I ask, "Does this mean I have to be nicer to everyone? I don't know if that's possible for me." I kiss her collarbone and add seriously, "I'll go with you anywhere, Milady Glass. Red, blue, purple, I don't care as long as we're together."

She again denies her love for Dorian and tries to explain it further but I have less sympathy for him and his shortcomings. I listen though and for someone Glass claims to not love, she's certainly pushing me about him. "You'd have me have nothing t'do with him, for what he did that cuts you so deep, though you'll not cut ties with Verdandi. I'm misliking that."

I nod, sad as I say, "That's right, because Verdandi never slept in my bed, my marriage bed no less and she certainly never climbed into my heart. She was my friend, not my lover, but not so with him. He became that and more and it meant so little to him that instead of talking about it with us, he just walked away."

I shake my head, blinking my suddenly blurry eyes. "He left us. We didn't leave him and as much as you might try to convince me otherwise, " I look at her, feeling shaky as I continue, "He'll not get another chance to wound my heart. Not again." I gaze at her steadily as I ask in a low tone, "And if you don't love him, then why does it bother you so much that I'm done with him?"

We're discussing Kate and as much as Milady Glass claims to be fair in her assessments, I disagree, especially on this topic. She's rarely been fair when judging people, usually going with her immediate gut emotions but how does one say that without sounding like an asshole? I set the heart of that aside, wanting to examine it closely another time before tackling it with my love.

"Sounds like the virtue of charity, love, but as kind as she's been with you, I don't believe that would apply to everyone. I believe that sort of kindness is given when it's easiest or most convenient." I ponder it further and continue in a quiet, curious tone, "She loves you and so that's when it's easiest to give but what you're trying to tell me is that she'd do the same for someone she didn't care for?"

I shake my head again. "I find that hard to believe, love and while I'm not calling her a bad person, I highly doubt she's all you say she is." I stroke her side and continue, "Well, maybe she is for you, love, but not for the rest of the world," and I shrug a bit, offering her a small smile. "And while I don't see anything wrong with that, I haven't seen her reaching out with a kind hand. Not to Lannie, not to me and certainly not to Wanda or Verdandi, nor to anyone else except the people she loves. I can easily accept that, Milady Glass, but I only disagree when you claim someone's better than I've witnessed."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"For whatever reason you made the choice, sweet girl, I do believe that it still counts. ...Does this mean I have to be nicer to everyone? I don't know if that's possible for me," he says light, and I smile, but... "I'll go with you anywhere, Milady Glass. Red, blue, purple, I don't care as long as we're together." Nestle against him as he goes on, one arm loose over his side and listening in the dark. And matter of Dorian comes up again; "And if you don't love him, then why does it bother you so much that I'm done with him?"

Snort at that. "Can't love him, doesn't mean I don't care for him," I say. "Bothers me that you'd have me be done with him." And I've not asked him to set aside Verdandi, and said nothing when he forgave Dorian for cracking my skull and leaving me dying, nor spoke word against him when he played game as might've set Valmont as target of the thing in the tower set aside what it'd do to Hermia--

Many things I've not said.

Calls what Kate does charity, fine, but then he's saying he's seen nothing of it, nothing done for himself or Lannie or Wanda or Verdandi, saying there's no sign of it for that, and I'm staring at him in the dark.

"None of them're giving sign of needing anything," I say after a moment. "Fine, you can tell Wanda's sick for all that the thing from the tower's pouring her gifts when it suits, and Kate did try t'sit and speak with her, never mind that Wanda's sworn herself to a thing that'd care to see them both screaming afore they died. Lannie and Verdandi, what exactly'd she reach out to them over? Lannie gives sign of managing herself quite well until she wasn't to be seen, and Verdandi--" I flick my fingers. "Well, she's only something as is generally spoken of decent, always seems happy, and's doing so well she can rebuild the bloody Tavern to stand taller'n anything save the Abbey or the old apartments after a six-month. What kindness ought she see they're they needing?

"She stood to cast out the thing inside Lucien, Iago," I say calm, "risked her bloody life, and sure's hell she wasn't doing it out of love for him. She spoke for a man as had no name, would've gone to ground forgotten, and she stood for him as kin and had his passing noted and known. Took up Julian Parson when he lay in pieces, was there for his mam and father when she told them. Stood alone out on the road and challenged four men as were beating Laurence to death and brought him home. Goes to work at the Abbey, tends the garden, seed and weed and gather. Cooks as well, for them alone or for the lunch as's given last Sunday of the month or for those as're having trouble and can't do it so well themselves. Offers credit as may be needed, sets aside debts owed and made a gift of what'd otherwise have to be bought." Does that even mean anything to him, rich as he and Dorian and Alessandra and Verdandi are? But there's weight to it, I know there is. "All of that, then, and not done for those she loves."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Can't love him, doesn't mean I don't care for him. Bothers me that you'd have me be done with him."

I look at her straight on, completely serious as I ask, "Are you not my wife?" There's a tightness in my chest as I continue, " Is it too much to ask that you keep only to me?"

I bring up charity in regards to Kate and not unexpectedly, Milady Glass has quite a bit to say. As I listen to my love extol the many virtues of her best friend, I wonder if that's something she's done for me lately. I'd like to think she would but as I don't know, I can't truly say. A quiet part of me doesn't think so and that piece ponders how long it will be before she expresses disappointment with me. Has she already? Likely only Kate knows and it's no wonder I don't care for her.

Between Dorian and Kate, I'm surprised Glass deigns to even stay by my side. Not wanting to get caught in that black vortex, I look at Glass and quietly say, "And here you just told me she wasn't a saint. From your description, I'd disagree, love." Sighing dejectedly, I consider the whole of our conversation and add, "Most everyone we've already spoken about, we've disagreed over. I have to say that I'm feeling increasingly discouraged to continue."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Are you not my wife?" he says, fine and drawn, and there's a catch in my heart, twist of a thorn. "Is it too much to ask that you keep only to me?"

"You don't ask that of me for matter of Kate," I say. "Never asked you to keep from Verdandi, for all the horror that she did, and I don't--" This isn't making sense, I've no words, misery of what I did t'him and how clear I came t'see... "There's matter unsettled with him," I say helpless. True as bones and not near to enough of it, not even close. "I've not the words, not now, not tonight--please?"

"And here you just told me she wasn't a saint. From your description, I'd disagree, love," he says, sounding miserable, and I do not understand why. Says he doesn't know of a thing happening and hears the truth of it, fine, nothing to be miserable over unless what's learnt is sour news. "Most everyone we've already spoken about, we've disagreed over. I have to say that I'm feeling increasingly discouraged to continue."

"Think we've some different meaning for saint," I say. "Said you took it hard t'believe she'd mind someone she didn't love, care for another when it wasn't easy or convenient. So may be you didn't know she does it, no shame in that." Shrug against him, thinking a moment. "Not the same as disagreeing, I think."

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

I look at her oddly as she brings up Kate and Verdandi, and for the life of me, I can't figure what either of them have to do with Dorian. She's close to weeping and it tugs mercilessly at my heart as she continues, "There's matter unsettled with him. I've not the words, not now, not tonight--please?"

I'm shaking my head and I say, "Verdandi and Kate are friends, not our lovers so it's not the same, sweet girl. Apples and oranges, and unless you and Kate are having sex, it'll never be the same thing." I lean close to her, whispering, "I'd never tell you what friends to have because I understand that your friends are cherished by you."

Pressing my cheek to her wet one, I continue gently, "But Dorian is something else entirely, and if you argue with me about how he's your friend no matter what else he is, I'll think you're trying to muddle instead of addressing what I'm trying to discuss with you." I'm striving to be patient but there's a misery building in me. Focusing instead on Milady Glass, I ask softly, "Are you not my wife? Is that true or not? And keeping only to me is meant in a sexual way, love. I want to be your only lover, from now until the end of time."

She's in tears and I'm fighting my own personal vortex of churning misery. Is it too much to hope for understanding and reassurance? I don't know what to believe anymore and that floundering only feeds my inner maelstrom. She's talking about Kate again and I sigh before quietly saying, "If you say she's better than you, I'm still going to disagree. I think more of you than that and I certainly won't be using her as the standard for myself either. The question I'm concerned with is whether or not you'll be using Kate as the standard by which to measure me."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Stop this stop it stop it, never made you a promise I couldn't keep and never asked you to promise me all time know better than any how quick you'r I'll step out of that and you brought him into this, I wanted him but three times I turned him away, for your sake, even against your assurance, how dare you--

Look up to him them, drawing calm around me as if it were Kate's quilt and waiting until he's done speaking. My own voice then, steady, and I can manage that much.

"I don't understand," I say dully. "What did it mean t'you? The ring we gave him, after he came t'live with us. What'd you think that meant? And matter of Kate not being better..."

Fall silent again a moment, watching him in the dim light.

"How is she not?" I say. "I don't understand, I don't. Charity, kindness--that's what makes one a better person'n another. How's she not better, what're you choosing t'judge by that I rank so much higher'n her?" Sit up, rubbing the back of my hand across my face.

"And the hell's this matter of measuring you? I know who you are fine enough, I'd see you clear even if I'd never met Kate. Know already you'n I, we're not as she is. No call to the blue city in our nature. Why'd I need Kate to see you clear?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I don't understand. What did it mean t'you? The ring we gave him, after he came t'live with us. What'd you think that meant?"

Why is she being deliberately obtuse about this? My love is bright and clever and yet here she is, missing the heart of what I'm trying to tell her. I take a deep breath before attempting to explain again. Swallowing my near-exasperation, I say, "It meant the world to me, love, but as it's meant very little to Dorian, I'm willing to follow his lead. And since you've neglected to answer my question about you, I'm left to assume that you don't want to tell me."

I sit up in bed, reaching through the low light to snag my pack of smokes. Leaning against the headboard, I light a smoke as she speaks of Kate. On and on and it's clear to me that she's missed my point entirely. "If you don't understand what I'm saying to you, then I don't see how my explaining it again is going to serve any purpose other than frustration on both our parts. You're set in your opinion of Kate and what I'd originally been discussing has been lost in the tide of your vigorous defense."

I take a deep drag, exhaling before I quietly add, "And you didn't answer my question about measurements either. You danced around it, just like the wife question and I have no notion why. Is it too difficult to tell me the truth?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"I came to share a home with you and lie with you," I say, looking at him. "Took your ring when you cared to make ceremony of it, and gave you mine. Sure you're my husband, didn't think you needed the telling of that." Sit quiet a moment, watching him.

"Don't believe he doesn't love us," I say. "Dorian. You're the one as told me he's a coward sometimes, well enough. And I care, even if you'd turn aside something as meant the world t'you to follow the lead he's making show of." Because surely the best thing t'do in matter of keeping company with someone is follow Dorian Gray's lead.

"'m not asking you to promise shunning Verdandi, though I hate her for what she's done. Didn't ask you to break with Dorian when he beat me 'til I was dying, though it hurt. But you'd have me set Dorian aside for hurting you, no matter that you know what it meant to take him in, and it's--" Swallow and there's a thin click in my throat, snapping twig. Cannot think of the words to set it out, only thing as comes to mind is poisonous unfair, and I've not the certainty to speak those. I don't know.

There are words here slick with hidden thorns.

"Matter of Kate I'm not understanding," I say. "Not your claim nor your question. You say she's not better than me, fine, but at least tell me what better means t'you. I hear it used when people speak of folk, it weighs heavy on matter of charity, so I've no mind for what you mean when you say she's not better'n me. And my measuring--so she's kinder'n you or I to those she doesn't love. That's true as bones, same's saying Simon's older'n you. Is it that you're calling measuring?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I came to share a home with you and lie with you. Took your ring when you cared to make ceremony of it, and gave you mine. Sure you're my husband, didn't think you needed the telling of that."

She's quiet and I take that moment to softly say, "You thought wrong because I do need to hear that your heart is mine, love. I am yours always but it seems that you want to keep Dorian between us. I don't, and no matter how many ways I tell you that, it seems that your paramount concern is that you can't have him anymore."

I shake my head and swallow the needles in my throat. I don't want to be sharp and I don't want to be angry but I'm skirting the knife's edge as I tell her, "He's not welcome anymore but if you feel the need to chase after him with your heart on your sleeve, then I'd be twice the fool for sitting by and saying nothing about it." Remaining unsteady will not help this situation and I rein in my tone before continuing. "And I'm alarmed and irritated that you seem more concerned with another man's affections, rather than the heart of your own husband."

I'm surprised to find my smoke's shaking between my fingers and rather than betray my unease, I switch hands. It's better and I continue, "Yes, he's a coward but does that mean I should set it aside and leave myself open to this happening again? No, I believe I deserve better from him and I refuse to wait around for him to get his shit together, and perhaps if he feels like it, grace us with his damned presence again."

"Didn't ask you to break with Dorian when he beat me 'til I was dying, though it hurt." There's more but I'm stuck there and there's pain in my voice as I reply, "I'd not known that you felt that way, love. You didn't tell me but I'm sorry he hurt you, more than I can express, sweet girl, and if I could take back the decision to be with him, I would in an instant."

If wishes were fishes, I'd cast my net in the sea but as I have only the here and now, I'm feeling quite fucked. And not in a good way either.

"Matter of Kate I'm not understanding," and I listen as she explains before asking me, "Is it that you're calling measuring?"

"No," I say. "It's about you expecting me to behave as she does, and as that's an unlikely occurrence, then you judging me poorly for not doing so." My smoke's more than half-done and I barely noticed going through it so quickly. "And I think it's a poor thing to try to explain to me that someone else is better than me, by your own standards no less. It seems you think so little of me that you'd easily name other people as better than me and then expect me to accept that without complaint."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Fine that I don't see what makes him running after his memories were in pieces so much worse than running after Hallowmas," I say quiet, "I take it as truth he's not welcome to you. It's not so with me. Misery if he left, but to have you after me setting him aside, after--" After everything, after you--fine that I kissed him, yes, and not saying I didn't choose it. But you offered him to me and me to him, delighted in it all, and now it suits to tell me who I'm to pass time with? I'm not for you nor anyone else to treat so; even afore we took up with him, it was my choice to turn him away, not your bidding.

"That's worse by far," I say, looking at him. Thin shake in the hand holding the cigarette and he shifts it to the other, rare enough to see nervousness made flesh, and I feel tears starting again, maybe not to be seen in the dark but gliding slow and wet.

"I hate this," I say soft. "Iago... Please. I love you, I do," and that's not changing even with you trying to bid me, makes it hurt more but isn't changing, and-- Try and see the obedience he's wanting, and feel my teeth lock against the idea, blood throbbing low and dark in my temples.

Sets aside Verdandi, but matter of Dorian comes through. "I'd not known that you felt that way, love," and believe that rather than he'd guessed and not thought it was of consequence, blamed it on a passing mood as he does sometimes when we disagree. "You didn't tell me but I'm sorry he hurt you, more than I can express, sweet girl, and if I could take back the decision to be with him, I would in an instant."

Sure I didn't tell you, after so long wishing you'd another you minded and knowing you'd pull yourself apart for me. "And you can't, now," I answer. "But you stand by Verdandi. She hurts you, she shattered the dead, you keep things from me over her," oh that might be the worst of it, "and you stand by her. --and I don't care that you've not fucked her," the word harsh in the dark. That alone was enough to ruin things, never'd've made it through him losing memory of me. "Care that you swear yourself to such a monster, and keep secrets from me for her sake, hide even that there are secrets you can't tell me. And if you see all that she's done as so much less than the man we took into our home and bed running scared, fine then we disagree. Still I leave you be on the matter of her, your god come walking." That last said through teeth, grin splitting the dark and mouth drawn wide and remembering when we went to see her at the Abbey and it was raining, and the back of her neck was bare and I had my knife. Things I thought of then, and worse than useless to dwell on them.

Put the heels of my hands to my eyes a moment, and try'n think.

"I'm afraid," I say quiet. "Afraid and worn and can't see a way for this to go that's not tearing into each other over company we choose. Can you not leave me be on Dorian as I leave you be on Verdandi? Can you not set this aside for the night and come sleep?"

Sets out his worry over Kate, expecting him to behave she does, and I make a thin harsh sound in my throat, shock and sorrow and bitter laugh in one. Weren't we just on the matter of him saying light he didn't think he had it in him to be kinder, and no misery for those words being spoken? "And I think it's a poor thing to try to explain to me that someone else is better than me, by your own standards no less. It seems you think so little of me that you'd easily name other people as better than me and then expect me to accept that without complaint."

"I judge folk taller'n you or older'n you," I say, "or crueller on some matters, or quieter'n you in company." Wait a moment to see if any of that's an upset, wouldn't take it for one but then wouldn't've taken this for one either, always thought it gladdened him that I saw him so clear and he needn't play at being another and now in face of such bitterness over the same I'm drowning. "How's seeing someone kinder to folk seen of a day so different? Didn't think you particular cared for--" gesture in a circle, fishing for the word afore settling on the one he used-- "what you called it, charity, so why'd it hurt that I see that, and how're you tying it to thinking less of you?"

[iago-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I take it as truth he's not welcome to you. It's not so with me. Misery if he left, but to have you after me setting him aside, after--That's worse by far."

I'm angry and hurt about her choice and can't she see what this means to me. No, apparently her need to keep Dorian seems more important than anything else. "I asked you to choose me and only me as your lover and husband, and you tell me you won't? I'll--" I want to leave, drown myself in liquor, numbing my emotions so I can pretend she'd never told me such a thing. Instead, I stay. "I'll not share our bed with anyone again but you."

She's crying and I look away sadly. It seems there's no comfort here for either of us. "I hate this. Iago... Please. I love you, I do."

I look back to her, saying, "I hate this too, Glass, but telling me that you love me doesn't make it easier to hear that you won't give him up. I had no notion that I meant less to you than he did." Less than everyone else she loves as well and truly, I should already be used to this. It was this way with my father and mother and most of my family as well. Why shouldn't I expect my wife to treat me the same as them?

I turn away, suddenly too overwhelmed by emotion to speak as my eyes begin to prickle. I blink, trying to clear my vision and my love nearly rants about Verdandi. Oh, she's quite wrong and I forget all I've said about not pushing the subject as my near-depression spins into anger, rising to meet hers.

In a flat tone, I say, "It sounds to me, love, that what you're most upset about, is that I kept secrets from you, and for a god no less." It's become a prejudice for her and I'm feeling no patience for it right now. "You condemn her the worst for simply breathing and truly, I think that you're angry because there was no body to lay out, that it was still Verdandi's and you'd been cheated of your duties. It's her body, she can do whatever she wants to it and your disagreement of that comes across as selfish and peevish."

In for a penny, in for a pound and I continue, "All training is painful but I'd never count that as a hurt. Not so for you and you've twisted it into something that fits your newly-blackened image of Verdandi. I know the crime of godhood is upon her as well and for you, that automatically makes her a monster. She's not but you never want to seriously entertain anything contrary to your own opinion and it frustrates the hell out of me."

I light another smoke, crushing out the last bit of the first one before continuing, "You're the only person I know that could mistake the resurrection of a friend as a bad thing. I don't remember you being angry at Lucien for using his own body a second time. Nor Dorian, for never staying down when injury should've ended him. I've heard of more than a few that counted both of them as monsters but not so for you?"

I'm wound up but the second cigarette seems to be helping as I quietly ask, "And if Verdi's such a monster, why did you leave her alone with Lannie and Lucien? Don't forget that both of them stood up for me against your dreadful sire, when your Azrael made no moves to do the same. Tell me again who's the monster?"

[continued here (http://community.livejournal.com/estdeus_innobis/406369.html).]