in the gloaming

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

The thin hours before dawn, Tuesday 23 March

Excolo has been still these past weeks. Around the feast of Lupercalia there was a small ripple of unsettled dreams, dreams of desire and frustration and longing, but they passed. Some magic there, of a tainted sort, but a small kind, passing out of mind. But for all the quiet I think that something new has come to be. That Wanda has had her child I now know, infant glimpsed in dreams. The child herself has started dreaming. I have gazed into them, but not crossed the threshold. I do not yet know how much of her mind her father watches. Like most infants, her dreams are all noise and colour, no narrative - but there are things I glimpse in the dreams that no infant should know. Things of shadow and of light.

I create another crossroads, but this one is a room with staircases that will serve as paths. A rug lies in the centre of a tea room, and on the rug stands a table crowned with flowers. There are smaller tables nearby laid with napkins and silver, and I seat myself at one of them, pouring tea into a china cup. It is amber and smells of faraway. Perhaps someone will come and drink with me.

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[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I nod in agreement with Godmother when she names me both father and mother to Rose.

"It seems to me a time to be used wisely, because now you have the opportunity to influence her without interference." Smile a little, despite the slight ache in my heart. "The situation is basically how I assumed it would be. Rose has not been asking for her father like she did before she was born, and I have not called for him either. The more time I have with her the better, you're right. But..." Sperad my hands in a helpless gesture. "I don't have a clue as to what I should do beside care for her and love her. What do you suggest, Godmother?" I ask, curious and more than a little lost. "I am not a god, nor gifted or powerful. How do I care for one such as she?"

"So your husband was there the night she was born. Did he not try to heal you?"

The small ache in my heart swells, but I keep it from overwhelming me. Manage a small, sad smile. "Of course not. We both know what he is, although I forget it too often, or keep hope beyond hope there is more..." Trail off for a moment to take a deep breath, and steel myself again. "My task had been completed." I continue, voice steady. "Why would it matter to him if I lived or not? thank the heaven's my Rose felt differently." My smile grows a touch warmer at that thought.

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"I don't have a clue as to what I should do beside care for her and love her. What do you suggest, Godmother? I am not a god, nor gifted or powerful. How do I care for one such as she?"

"There's much you can teach her," I say, "and you'll do it well. But you're right, she's a special child. Perhaps you need to seek out people who can help influence her for good."

Wanda's face falls when she speaks of her husband, but she keeps calm.

"Why would it matter to him if I lived or not? thank the heaven's my Rose felt differently."

It's probably the wisest thing I've heard her say about her relationship.

"I'm sorry he can't be what you would like him to be," I say. "It is a horrible thing, to be disappointed by love. But I always found," I say with a smile, "being a mother more satisfying than being a wife, anyway." I refill our tea cups.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

It makes me feel a little better to hear that Godmother has faith in my ability to guide her well.

"But you're right, she's a special child. Perhaps you need to seek out people who can help influence her for good." Think about that as I chew my bottom lip. My first thought is naturally of Miao, but we are not speaking. Or Ares or Lúgh, but they're gone now. "I will have to give some consideration as to whom they would be. Those I would have turned to..." Fiddle with my tea for a moment. "I'll have to think about it." Is what I settle on.

Godmother's voice is gentle when she speaks of Kent. "I'm sorry he can't be what you would like him to be, it is a horrible thing, to be disappointed by love." Smile a bit wryly, recalling Iago saying something similar to me only a few days ago, but it slips away as I recall Kent saying he also had been hurt by everyone he had ever loved. "And that's the way you know it was real, because only love hurts so terribly." I murmur, finishing off my cup of tea.

"But I always found, being a mother more satisfying than being a wife, anyway." She is smiling and refilling my cup, and I shake off my melancholy. "To be honest, I never considered myself 'mother material'." i confide, adding three lumps of sugar to my tea then offering her thesugar bowl. "I always considered myself the 'over-indulgent auntie' type." Laugh a little, thinking of Fiona. "Do you have children, Godmother?" I ask, curious.

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"And that's the way you know it was real, because only love hurts so terribly."

I'm not sure that is true. Not romantic love, anyway. The love of family, of community, that is a gateway to grief beyond imagining. I've never had much patience for romance, though I loved my husband. Perhaps it is a failing in me, but I have little interest in that which is all inward-looking, as so much romantic love today seems to be.

"I'll have to think about it," she says about friends. I nod.

"Do," I say. "You'd be surprised how kind people can be when a child is involved."

"I always considered myself the 'over-indulgent auntie' type. Do you have children, Godmother?"

"I did," I say, smiling a little. "They were my joys. But I lost them long ago. It is a terrible thing, to outlive your children."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I can see that Godmother does not share my thoughts on love, but then again, I haven't found anyone that does. Perhaps I am just that odd, or there's something wrong with me... ah well. Not minded to plumb the depths of my emotional issues at this time.

She encourages me to seek out my friends. "You'd be surprised how kind people can be when a child is involved."

"I planned to bring her into the shoppe to meet the regulars later this week. Maybe we'll go by the Cafe and see how the general reception is there." I offer cautiously. Lucien hasn't even come to see her yet, so I am not sure how people would react if I showed up at their door, child in hand. Small steps, at first.

Godmother smiles when she speaks of her children, and I find my own smile matching hers but it slips when she speaks of losing them.

"I am sorry..." I breathe, and I think of Rose, and what I would do if, no. I cannot even bear the thought. "I do not think I could go on if I lost Rose." I admit quietly. "Was it hard, going on?"

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"I planned to bring her into the shoppe to meet the regulars later this week. Maybe we'll go by the Cafe and see how the general reception is there."

"I'm sure all your ladies will coo over her," I say with a smile.

"I do not think I could go on if I lost Rose. Was it hard, going on?"

"Oh, yes," I say. I stir my tea. "It is still hard. But I have too many duties; I can't give up. My life is not my own, not mine alone. It belongs to others, too, and so I endured, and endure, and I have joys and griefs that aren't about my children, and I have a life that continues on." I smile a little. "There are worse fates."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I laugh a little when Godmother mentions the regulars. "I will have to be careful that none of them try to sneak off with her!" I grin, shaking my head. "At least I will never want for a pair of hands to hold her for a moment."

Godmother admits that it was had to go on without her children, but there was nothing else for it. "My life is not my own, not mine alone. It belongs to others, too, and so I endured, and endure, and I have joys and griefs that aren't about my children, and I have a life that continues on. There are worse fates."

I grow quiet for a time, for there is something in that, something she is telling me. I sip my tea and think about Rose, and responsibility, and my life and where it is going.

As I finish my second cup, I am not sure I have come to any conclusions, but I know I have much more to think about. "It is always so interesting, having tea with you Godmother." I murmur, still half lost in thought.

[goddessnanshe.livejournal.com]

"It is always so interesting, having tea with you Godmother."

I smile.

"The greatest gift Cinderella's godmother gave her wasn't the pumpkin coach - it was the ability to believe anything was possible. Nothing's set in stone, Wanda. You make your own destiny."

In the hall outside the tea room a clock chimes.

"I should go," I say. "But do stay and finish your tea. There's no sense in wasting it." I rise from my seat.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"The greatest gift Cinderella's godmother gave her wasn't the pumpkin coach - it was the ability to believe anything was possible. Nothing's set in stone, Wanda. You make your own destiny."

I am sorely tempted to make a shoe joke, but ... set in stone... A memorial with my name, and a smirking angel sitting sentinel. I am still here, and the stone did shatter.

I am still lost in thought when I hear a clock strike the hour. Godmother rises, excusing herself but bids me to stay and enjoy the rest of the pot of tea.

I rise as well, for it would be rude not to when one is leaving the table. "Thank you Godmother, I will stay and relax for a bit longer. I hope to see you soon." The clock chimes again and she turns to glide away. "Don't lose your shoe on the way out." I joke with a soft smile, as she leaves.

I sit alone, lost in thought for quite some time as I sip my mango tea. Presently, I hear Rose stiring, and realize it's time to go. I finish off my cup, and head back down the corridor I came from, headng for the nursery...