And now every morning there's a cup of coffee and I wear your ring

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

[Early afternoon of Friday, January 15 (day 229)]
[Out in the courtyard at the Tavern of Hell]

Find it odd calming, how a fire can scarce be seen in daylight. Sitting out in the courtyard at the Tavern of Hell, guessing at the shape of the flames as they spit under the thin rain and taking in the gray light of the day and the space that's not all mine. The apartment's lovely, nothing I'd ever 'magined, and my own workroom aside that, but the weight of so much... It's enough t'get drunk on. More'n large enough for two, and fine enough for even three, and what I've guessed at from the little I asked of the matter of the third (Dorian) leaves me turning scarlet still. No misery in Iago when he spoke of it, nor flinching as if he took me for being angry, but...

Well. Truly, it shocks me some, and leaves me wondering what else I've come to in this lost time.

And carrying a child. My mother's bones.

Wearing clothes that I think're new as well as new t'me, trousers with far more fiddling seams than needed and a sweater green as pine in shadow, and a coat Kate made me. I remember the name and'm sure I'd recognize her, but the store was closed when we went 'round town yesterday. Sure I'll see her soon, though, and hope she's not lost overmuch.

Hear Iago aside me and look up and "Stormcrow," I say, and'm smiling at the shape of his name in my mouth. Remember that, and what he told me of a night by the river, and our stopping by there yesterday in the clear dusk, and my smile turns into something for the two of us alone. Lean into him and put my arm 'round his waist and kiss his throat, rest my head in the hollow of his shoulder. Smells of cigarette smoke and the cool leather of his jacket and most of all himself in the silk softness of the rainy air, and there's a steadiness t'being with him like nothing else of late.

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[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

I smile as I see that Ri enjoys the feather I've given her and will be putting it to some creative use in the near future. I hope I get a chance to see what she does with it. I continue to hold the feather I plucked for Doc, and with a grin wave it in front of his face slightly as he again offers to buy me something at the bar.

"I said I'd buy, so no worries, but ummm, they don't have steak here. Maybe you just want to leave it up to whatever's on special today?"

"No Steak?" I say, then give a shrug. "Well then since I am being treated so kindly by Doc here, the special, whatever it may be will be fine and I still want that ale if you have ale here." I say to the server, then turn back to Doc.

"I'll eat quick then we can head back to the Carnival. I don't want to take up too much of your time, and I'm really eager to get home and just bunk down for a while." I say then smile to Ri. "Do you have family that's with the Carnival Ri?" I ask and try to keep the wonderful conversation going until the food and drink arrive.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Well, when you figure it out, I want to see the finished product Doc says. I shrug but I'm pleased he's interested enough in my art to ask to see whatever I come up with. "Sure Doc, I'll let know see what I come up with. might be a tat or even a necklace. or hair clip."

I giggle as Gar waves his second feather in Lucien's face. Gar seems a bit disappointed by the lack of steak but takes the special and and ale. Might be that he's in a bit of a hurry to get back to the Carnival so he can see his place. The he turns to me an asks,"Do you have family that's with the Carnival Ri?

Oh hell. I should have expected him to ask something like that. I can't help my little flinch at his question. I sigh and look up at him."Yeah, I do. A mother and two younger sisters. Plus a baby brother." I look away and take a large gulp of my drink. I hope Gar can tell from my tone of voice that I really don't want to talk about my family right now.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

Gar waves the feather by my face and I take it, just so he will stop that. Perhaps Miao will like it. He orders whatever they happen to have that's good, and then turns back to me.

"I'll eat quick then we can head back to the Carnival. I don't want to take up too much of your time, and I'm really eager to get home and just bunk down for a while." I nod as Thomas gets his drink. "Sounds like a plan. As much as I would like to hide in here all day, I should keep working." I sigh, realizing I have another long day and night ahead of me.

Gar turns and asks 'Ri if she has family, and I almost winch in sympathy. She quickly outlines her mom and siblings, and downs her drink. Poor kid, I couldn't imagine forgetting your own kids. I am so lucky this damn amnesia thing skipped over me.

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

When I ask Ri about her having family back at the Carnival, she answers that she does, but then looks away and drinks. I know that body language. There was no smile, or joy in the description, and as much as I want to know, and maybe help, I can't. I'm a stranger to her now, and maybe I wasn't one of her favorite people when she did know who I was. I try to think of something to say on the subject, and in the end, I just decide to let it go. Any attempts at being cordial, or helpful here would just be a failure.

I look back to Doc instead as he says that he thinks my plan to get home is a good one, and he'll go along as much as he'd like to continue to hang out in the bar. I think if I was sitting around with two pretty ladies, I would want to do the same. "I'll eat quick, then we can move on with what each of us needs to do today I suppose." I say, then lean onto the bar, and await the food and libation.

[verite-belrose.livejournal.com]

Gar takes my hint and drops the subject of my family, instead he turns to the Doc. Plans are made to go to the Carnival as soon as our giant friend finishes eating.

The giant's leaning on the bar with his wings folded tight against his back, Doc shifting a bit on the stool next to me and sighing as if all he really wants to do is maybe get some sleep of his own. I give a sigh myself and finish the last of my drink. Still tastes like summer and happier days.

I stand up. "Time for me to get back to work." I touch Lucien on the arm. "Thanks Doc, for agreeing to check on that problem for me. I really appreciate it." I turn to Gar and summon up a bit a smile for him, "Nice meeting you again, Gar. and thanks for the feather. See you around?"

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

"I'll eat quick, then we can move on with what each of us needs to do today I suppose." I give Gar a tired by appreciative smile. It seems the vodka and lack of sleep are catching up with me. "That'd be great. I should make my rounds at the Carnival before heading back to the office. and then if there's time I have to check in on my friend, see is she remembers how to speak English yet." I laugh a little, but it's dry. "Imagine that, forgetting a language on top of your memories."

'Ri polishes off her drink and stands, announcing she should return to work.
"Thanks Doc, for agreeing to check on that problem for me. I really appreciate it." I smile and give her a quick hug around her shoulders. "Happy do to it 'Ri. I'll check in with you tomorrow, okay?"

She turns and bids goodbye to the giant winged man, and can't wait to see the looks we are going to get walking back to the fairgrounds. I wish Miao remembered me better, I would really love to fall asleep in her arms tonight.

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

"It was a pleasure to meet you, apparently again, as well Ri." I say to her with a smile. "Enjoy the feather, I can't wait to see what you create with it. If you ever should need more, I'm sure I can spare them for you." I say, and force myself to stop there. Woman make me chatty and nervous, I've never understood why. Doc promises to check in on some matter for her, and then she is gone.

Doc then tells me that a friend of his had apparently forgotten how to speak an entire language, and I can't imagine what that would be like. Silently, I mentally run down the list of ones I know, and silently mouth the same word in each, just to check. Yep, I can still say Father in at least twelve different tongues. If I've forgotten any, I'm not that concerned. I still know the one that is spoken here locally.

"Do you know if you've forgotten anyone, or anything?" I ask Doc once we are alone. My supper arrives and I start right in on it, not wanting to tax anymore of his time if he has people and places to see to, other than me.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

'Ri leaves us, and Gar's food arrives. I've seen him eat, this shouldn't take long.

"Do you know if you've forgotten anyone, or anything?"

Again, it is a fair question, and I cock my head and think about it. My childhood, my parents, my mother dying, my medical studies... those dark five years, The Carnival, finding joy again with Miao and making friends, the exorcism and it's high price...

"If I did, it must not have been important." I smile and shrug. "Now eat up, I have to get back to being useless in my profession." I laugh and finish off my vodka.

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

I listen to Doc, tell me he thinks he's not suffered any loss of memory, and at first I think to congratulate him, then I wonder if maybe this isn't a gift in disguise somehow. I wonder for just a minute how I would feel if I never got my memory back and had to relearn my life, and all the people in it right now. It could be a much needed fresh start, or joys forgotten forever. I decide I'd rather much eat than think on that too long, especially when Doc encourages me to eat so he can get back to his duties. "I don't think you could ever be useless Doc." I say and pause in my devouring to speak to him. "I'm sure you are very skilled medically, and... at bedside manner I would guess too." I say then give him the slightest bit of a playful smirk.

It takes me only moments to eat down the food and guzzle down the ale. I would like to stay for more of that, but the time isn't now. It sounds like I've been in this town for a while, and will be for some time, so there will be many opportunities for more ale later. "Alright... Finished." I say, stating the obvious to an empty plate and tankard. I reach into my pocket and start to count out the currency there after I wave to get the server's attention. "Barkeep, the tab if you please."

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

"I don't think you could ever be useless Doc." I shrug and lean against the bar. "Kinda hard to feel useful when you don't have any answers for frightened people." I admit, survey my surroundings.

"I'm sure you are very skilled medically, and... at bedside manner I would guess too." I... wait.

Is he hitting on me?

"The degrees on the wall say I have a passing ability at practicing medicine." I say placidly as he devours the food and gulps down the ale. "And my bedside manner is for my girlfriend to speak of... when she remembers me, that is." I sigh, then shake my head as Gar calls for the tab. I grab the back of his jacket and manage to haul him off the stool.

"Said I'd cover it." Nod to Thomas, and point Gar towards the door. "C'mon big guy, I'll show you where you live."

I look around and give a wink to Lannie as we head out the door.

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

I give Doc an impatient look as he hauls me out of there and prevents me from paying the tab. "Next time, I am buying dinner. Maybe for you and your girlfriend." I smile. "I can't recall if I have even been on a date in years..." I ponder and put my hands in my jacket pockets as we walk along. "Do I have a girlfriend, or... wife... or anyone I've forgotten?" I ask him and that may be why I feel so damn lost and alone, I'm missing my mate, or better half, or someone.

Before he can answer that question, which as soon as I ask it, I wish I hadn't, I add on another. "Am I the only one of my kind here? Big and tall and wings and all?" I ask, then I shut up and give the man a chance to answer. I notice his stride isn't quite as long as mine, so I keep to his pace so as not to run him ragged.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

Gar grumbles about paying for dinner for me and my girlfriend next time, before he wonders if he is attached. "Do I have a girlfriend, or... wife... or anyone I've forgotten?" I roll my eyes as we exit the tavern and hit the road. "No one in particular that I remember. You like to keep things open and friendly." I say nonchalantly as we cross the bridge. More to say, you will hit on anything with breasts, and a few things without, but I'm not really up for that conversation.

"Am I the only one of my kind here? Big and tall and wings and all?"

I pull out a cigarette as we stride and light it. "Well, I didn't know you had wings until today, so I can't really tell you that." Okay, so there the Devil living here, and a fallen angel that can turn into a winged demon or lion, and Tea has that mystic turkey thing...

and again, not talking about that today either. Take a deep drag as we near the faire grounds, and I cut around the side to the living lot. Look around and.... fuck, the amnesia's here too. I spot Gar's trailer, and point to it.

"There you are, home sweet home." Take another drag, and hold it in my lungs for a moment, letting ti burn before I exxhale.

"You gonna be okay if I bail now and get back to work?"

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

When I ask Doc if I have anyone in my life, and I get the answer, "No one in particular that I remember. You like to keep things open and friendly." I take that to mean one of two things. Either I am a complete man whore to coin a term, or I am alone for whatever reason that makes me unwanted. That would explain the loneliness that is so pervasive around me, even with my memory shot. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it, so I just let it drop.

As we enter the lot, he speaks and draws me out of my brooding. "There you are, home sweet home. You gonna be okay if I bail now and get back to work?" he says and it's clear he's eager to be else where, even if it's for work. That speaks volumes I suppose.

"Yeah. I really don't think I need to fear anything, or anyone around here." I say as I cast a bleak look around the even bleaker surroundings. "I'm sure my back will be OK, it doesn't really hurt..." I say and try to glance over my shoulder at it, but of course that's not going to reveal much from that angle. "Thanks for seeing me home Doc. I really appreciate it. I hope you don't come across any disasters, or people you know that have been hurt." I say, then just give up the whole trying to be social thing all together. I'm not desired company, by anyone, that's becoming readily apparent. I give him a wave, then stuff my hands back into my pockets and stride toward the indicated large silver trailer. I should paint it black, it already looks, and feels like a coffin.