I cannot sing the songs, I sang so long ago. Heart & voice would fail me, tears would start to flow.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

(Saturday, January 2nd, dinner-time)
(The Tavern of Hell)

"We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to time,
Reliving in our eloquence, another Auld Lang Syne...."

My hands rest on the keys for a moment and the notes hang in the air before I finish the song. It is such a grey and dreary day, one of those perfect days for lingering inside by a warm fire. But I have lingered by my fire too much this past week, and the urge to get out was overwhelming and...
the tavern has a piano.

I am no concert pianist. I would not presume to make my living by performing professionally on a fine instrument like this. But I know enough to play a simple melody, and the right notes come naturally, so I have always been able to play along with some success with whatever music is rattling around in my mind. It is still early, so there is no crowd here at the tavern at the moment, and no one here seems to mind me sitting at the piano and singing some of the music out of my head.

So for the past few hours I have sat here, singing and playing my hearts content. I let the music take me where it will, for some days it's easier to let it run it's course than to try and shut it out. It seems I have played a little something for everyone that has come in, and I made a few people smile on this dreary day.

But now the sun has set, and the rain still falls against the windows and my songs have turned more melancholy. Perhaps my mood will pick up once more people walk in. Shaking my head, I take a moment to sip from the wine I have been nursing for the past hour. Thomas was going to set me up with my absinthe, but I was just not in the mood for anything hard. Even now, I can smell the food from the new kitchen and I know I should eat something for dinner, but I just am not hungry despite not having eaten anything since breakfast.

Shaking my head, I set my glass back down and set my hands back to the keys. I open myself up, hoping for something more cheerful. My hands move before my mind can process what I am hearing and I start to play the song. There are no words, it is a sad, quiet tune, filled with weariness and longing...

"Hello, my love." I say softly, not even looking up from the keys.

(closed)

Comments

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

The sky is wet slate, the air chill, and so I shrug on the Kent body like an old coat and walk to see his wife. Wanda has been quite melancholy since the ceremony, and I do not think she has been sleeping well. All is proceeding as I would expect, given past experience. I do hope she will keep herself together for the next little while, however; I have a schedule to keep. And so I keep playing this attentive role, for it keeps her tethered to things, more or less.

"Hello, my love."

I lean down and kiss her hair, raindrops rolling from my face.

"Hello." I lean against the piano. "Are you well today, Mrs Whitman?"

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I chuckle a little as drops of rain fall from his hair into mine, and smile in contentment as his familiar cologne wraps around me, made even more prominent by the moisture.

"Are you well today, Mrs Whitman?" I look up from the keys now, into the depths of the ocean, and the music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNeTc68g084) changes into something a that reminds me of the sea.

"I am passing my afternoon well enough, Mr. Whitman." I say, mouth quirking up into a wry grin. Mr. and Mrs. Whitman, do we not sound like an old married couple, calling each other thus? "And you? How are you finding yourself on this rainy evening?" I ask, shifting over on the piano bench so he may join me if he wishes.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Wanda sighs when I kiss her. Mortals may be seduced by such little things. There is an art to seduction, and most of it is in miniature, not great canvases.

"And you? How are you finding yourself on this rainy evening?"

"I am as well as I ever am," I say. I sit down on the bench next to her, and I carelessly run my fingers over the keys, adding a bass line. "You look a little tired," I say after a moment.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

Kent sits beside me, our thighs pressed together as he adds a lower harmony to my melody. I keep playing, but I find myself watching his hands. It is really quite a beguiling thing to see, his fingers moving over the keys with a fluid grace that belies his outward appearance.
It is beautiful.

"You look a little tired," I now look over to him, somewhat concerned. "Do I?" I ask quietly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "It seems like I can't get enough sleep lately. Must have caught a bug or something." I shrug, returning to playing. "Will I be fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasure of your company tonight? I always sleep better when you are next to me." I mention lightly, smiling at my own foolishness. Only I would sleep better next to Him.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"It seems like I can't get enough sleep lately. Must have caught a bug or something."

"You are not ill," I say, stroking a hand along her arm. "I could tell if you were." I could tell her what is different, but perhaps she should find that out in her own time. It will be clear soon enough.

"Will I be fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasure of your company tonight? I always sleep better when you are next to me."

"I should be glad to share the marital bed," I nod, because a few hours are nothing to me, and this sort of concession cleaves Wanda ever closer to me. "You can fall asleep in my arms."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"You are not ill, I could tell if you were." I sigh and continue to play as he strokes my arm. Something has changed, and again I wonder if dying has affected me somehow. "Perhaps it is just the weather or the lack of sunlight making me so tired. If you say I am not ill, then I am sure it will sort itself out soon enough."

Kent readily agrees to spending the night with me, and I smile a bit brighter now, the tune beneath my fingers taking an upbeat swing without my even thinking about it.

"You can fall asleep in my arms." I think of a few ways we can exhaust ourselves before that happens and the music turns to something a bit more sultry, heated. "I do like the sound of that, my husband. Entwined, sweat cooling on our skin, seeing who shall pass out---"

I stop in mid thought, my fingers hovering over the keys as something occurs to me. "Sleep, and I shall watch over you." "You can fall asleep in my arms." I have always fallen asleep in his arms, that I can recall, and always before he did.

"Kent... do you sleep?" I ask, sliding my eyes almost shyly to his. "I don't mean the body, but... you?" I feel rather stupid as I try to explain myself, but he always seems so weary to me. "Do you close your eyes, as it were, and leave the world behind to just shut down and rest?"

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"Perhaps it is just the weather or the lack of sunlight making me so tired. If you say I am not ill, then I am sure it will sort itself out soon enough."

Soon enough indeed.

Of course, Wanda's mind is easily turned to sex. How easily man is controlled by his flesh.

"I do like the sound of that, my husband. Entwined, sweat cooling on our skin, seeing who shall pass out---"

I nod and stroke her arm.

"Kent... do you sleep? I don't mean the body, but... you? Do you close your eyes, as it were, and leave the world behind to just shut down and rest?"

I shake my head.

"No," I say simply. "There is always awareness for me. This is one reason why," I say, in a calmly conversational tone, "I look forward to the end of all things. I will, I think, be nothing. The release of the void." I smile at her. "But this is hardly pleasant chatter for a rainy evening."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"No, There is always awareness for me." Even knowing, somehow, that would be his answer, something still breaks within me. A few tears slip down my cheeks and I have to turn my face away and close my eyes. How long... how long have you existed without being able to escape into nothingness? Without being able to leave it all behind, even just for a few hours into the blackness of a dreamless sleep? Oh, what a horrible torment to have born for as long as you have, my love.

"This is one reason why, I look forward to the end of all things. I will, I think, be nothing. The release of the void." All I can do is nod and will the rest of the tears away. That, that of all things, I think I can understand. At least when I close my eyes at night there is silence, a reprieve from the noise in my head.

It was quiet on the other side as well. It was not a void for me, but it was quiet. It was peaceful. Perhaps, at the end of all things, I will find my way back to my garden.

"But this is hardly pleasant chatter for a rainy evening." Kent is smiling, and I try to match his, but it dos not reach my eyes or my heart. "True enough, but I want to know you better, to understand." I say quietly, my heart still aching for him. "I... I would change that for you, if I could. Or bear that burden for a little while. I would do much to see you smile, to lighten your heart, even if only for a few hours." I sigh, touching his cheek for a moment, then resume playing, the music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B_2mBuzRrQ&feature=related) echoing the pain I feel for him, and the endlessless that always resides within him.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Wanda weeps for me, as well she might. But there are not enough tears. I once made a man weep himself to death, and so I know this is so.

"I... I would change that for you, if I could. Or bear that burden for a little while. I would do much to see you smile, to lighten your heart, even if only for a few hours."

Wanda puts her hand on my cheek, and although I have let her be wooed by the romance of what she perceives to be my plight, I still feel a brief flash of irritation that she believes she could help me. Lighten my heart?

"You would die," I say flatly, "if you tried to bear what I carry." I shake the mood away. She plays something on the piano; there is a pretty sort of desolation to it. It is better for me if she is in love with my despair, because she will keep hoping to save me as she damns herself.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"You would die, if you tried to bear what I carry."

My mouth opens to make some smart remark about having already done that for you, but I shut it and purse my lips together until the urge to say something snappish passes. "I said 'if I could'." I say quietly, not looking at him. "I am sorry if I have upset you, it was not my intention. I will try and keep my feelings to myself from---" I stop in mid sentence and swear softly in irritation, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers. Apparently, I do not have 'snappish' under control.

"I'm sorry." I sigh, shaking my head and reaching for my wine again. Perhaps I should eat something, maybe that would improve my demeanour, but I am still not hungry enough to think about ordering anything.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Wanda snaps at me, which is unusual enough that it makes me raise my eyebrows.

"I'm sorry."

I wave my hand.

"Never mind that. You are tired, as you said. When was the last time you ate? You must take care of yourself, my dear." I need her body to be kept in good condition after all.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I sip my wine and wait for a retort that does not come. Kent merely dismisses my little outburst with a wave of his hand. I am relieved that he did not take offense at my tone.

He mentions food, and I give him a sidelong glance. "Breakfast, this morning. I am probably hungry, but nothing is appealing enough to me to bother." I admit, shrugging my shoulders and setting my wine back down. Even that is not pleasing to my palate. I give him a small smile and run my hand over my abdomen and down my leg. "I am not too worried about wasting away overnight, I think I shall survive until something piques my interest or I get hungry enough that I don't care what is set down in front of me." My smile gets a little lighter, and I cover his hand with mine.

"So, Mr. Whitman, how would it please you to pass the time with me this evening?"

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"Breakfast, this morning. I am probably hungry, but nothing is appealing enough to me to bother."

I wonder if she will develop strange cravings. There was a woman, once, at the fall of Rome, who wanted horse flesh - not strange enough, in itself, but she wanted it fresh. Very fresh.

"So, Mr. Whitman, how would it please you to pass the time with me this evening?"

I do not know why Wanda asks me these things, since she must know that Kent is a device for her pleasure, and so I let him do what she wants. Perhaps it is the human desire to deceive herself that Kent is a man. I smile at her.

"I am quite at your disposal. But I would have you eat something. You must look after your health, my dear. I will eat with you, if that would please you."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"I am quite at your disposal. But I would have you eat something. You must look after your health, my dear. I will eat with you, if that would please you."

I frown a little and bite my lip. Didn't I just get finished saying I was not hungry? My ire at being treated as a disobedient child prickles, and I have to struggle to keep it in check. What the fuck is wrong with me? I know I have been moody, but this is getting ridiculous. I sigh, and push away annoyance. Perhaps I am just peckish, and food will improve my disposition.

"Ah the age old indecision: "So what we were going to do?" "I don't know, what'cha onwanna do?" "Let's do something." Ok... What'cha wanna do?"" I mimic a bad cockney accent for two gents debating how to spend an evening, and shake my head.

"Yes love, perhaps something to eat will improve my mood." I sigh, sliding off the bench and rising. "Let's pick up something from the cafe' and go home. I don't think I am in well enough spirits to be out in public tonight. Perhaps I will be better at making up my mind on how to spend the night once I have something on my stomach."

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Wanda is quite pettish today. Well, I do not care about that especially, one way or another. What option does she have but me, now? She has burned most of her bridges quite successfully. The game has less charm for me now I have triumphed, but I will keep playing, since I need her to keep looking after herself.

She pantomimes a little debate, and I raise my eyebrow at her, then nod as she suggests we buy something from the cafe.

"Yes," I say. "A good idea." We walk out, and I put my arm around her waist as we go. Food is quickly ordered from the cafe, and then we return to the Dormouse. I put the food onto plates, quite at ease in Wanda's kitchen, and I pour her a glass of milk.

"Calcium," I say. "I do not think you get enough."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

We leave the Tavern behind and walk out into the rain together, just another happily married couple in Excolo. Tulz mentions my standard BLT, but the thought of bacon is enough to make me gag. I settle on a salad with chicken strips and a raspberry walnut dressing. Light enough that is should not bother me.

Once back home, he quickly sets out the dinners. His... it is not meeting approval with my olfactory senses, but I manage to keep my mild distaste to myself as I pick at my dinner half heartedly.

I am mildly shocked though when he sets down a glass of milk in front of me. "Calcium, I do not think you get enough." I smile at him, but shake my head. "There's a reason for that, straight milk usually upsets my stomach. I love my milkshakes, but I am normally ill soon after."

I sit back in my chair and study him for a moment. "Why so concerned, it's not like the lack of calcium will kill me." I tease lightly, popping a piece of tomato in my mouth.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"There's a reason for that, straight milk usually upsets my stomach. I love my milkshakes, but I am normally ill soon after."

"I could make you," I observe, cheerfully enough. "But since I shall not on this occasion, you must make sure you eat green vegetables." Strong bones are useful. These things can have a draining effect upon a human body. "And red meat." It's always blood.

"Why so concerned, it's not like the lack of calcium will kill me."

"Your health is important to me," I say vaguely, since if she has not worked it out yet I think it will be more amusing for her to learn by herself rather than from me. "You are my wife, are you not? You have a part to play in the scheme of things." I smile at her placidly and eat the food in front of me. I barely notice the taste. I am bored of this body. But I made a vow to Wanda, and I will keep it until the time comes when it is appropriate for me to take advantage of a loophole.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"I could make you, but since I shall not on this occasion, you must make sure you eat green vegetables. And red meat." I can only start at him, fork halfway to my lips. "I was not aware that you were a nutritional expert as well. I shall keep all that in mind when I go shopping next." I say rather dryly, setting my fork down.

"Your health is important to me, You are my wife, are you not? You have a part to play in the scheme of things." Kent gives me that infuriatingly calm smile as he eats, and the urge to claw it off his face is so great I find myself propping up my elbows on the table and pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes to drive it away. "Yes, that I am... Your foolish little human wife. And right now your wife is not sick, but not well, and tired and irritable for no apparent reason, and I am most certainly not hungry." I growl, rising from the table, both angry with him for no good reason and upset with myself enough that I am acting like this, upset enough that I feel tears gathering in my eyes. I blink them away, angrily.

"I am going up to take a bath, or drown myself in the tub. Not sure which." I sigh miserably, heading for the stairs, kissing his neck as I pass him. "You are welcome to come up and join me once your done, but if you chose to go tonight, I would understand." I start to climb the stairs, mad at myself for letting my emotions run away with me on the night I get to see my husband.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Wanda is throwing quite the tantrum, but she still kisses me as she passes. Always undercutting herself, Wanda. It is part of the reason it was so easy to win her over.

"You are welcome to come up and join me once your done, but if you chose to go tonight, I would understand."

I listen to her climb the stairs, and I hear the water running in the bath. If I listen carefully I can hear her breathe, hear the movement of the water as she steps into the bath. I do not choose to listen. Instead I look out of the window into the dark, and I think of many things that are to come.

I do not eat the rest of my meal, and instead wash up the dishes, like a good husband. A smile flickers across my face, and then I go upstairs to find her getting out of the bath.

"Come to bed," I say. "I said I would stay tonight, and so I shall." I hope that she will wish to sleep. It is easy enough to lie and think with her body asleep against Kent's.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I listen hard over the running water for the sound of the door opening and closing when he leaves. I keep listening for it as I slip out of my clothes and into the almost too hot bubble bath. I listen for his retreat that does not come. Instead I hear the running of water and the sounds of dishes being scrubbed. "Oh for fucks sake, he's doing the dishes..." I sigh, closing my eyes and slipping under the water. I linger there for a moment, debating on actually trying to drown myself...

then get over it and come up for air. I lie there, eyes closed and just existing until the water goes tepid. I have just hauled myself out and wrapped a towel around myself and am wringing out my hair when Kent appears in the doorway.

"Come to bed, I said I would stay tonight, and so I shall." I merely nod, padding past him to sit on the bed. I sit on the edge and start working my fingers through my hair lest it tangle, unable to meet his eyes just yet, pondering what is so off about me lately.

"Could dying have affected me like this?" I ask quietly, rather soothed by the repetition of my hands moving over my tresses. "I don't want to be so surly towards you, but I cannot seem to stop myself. Nor the urge to cry at the drop of a hat." I sigh, then grumble a curse as I start to work out a snag that my fingers just got stuck on.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

"Could dying have affected me like this? I don't want to be so surly towards you, but I cannot seem to stop myself. Nor the urge to cry at the drop of a hat."

Not many people would apologise for being rude to me, or think that it was something for which they should apologise. But then, there is a reason I do not marry just anyone. Wanda has a perfect pliability that has made her the ideal vessel for various forms of corruption.

"Death is a traumatic thing for a human," I say. "I am not surprised if it upset you. Or it could be hormonal. Human bodies are prone to such mood swings." I shrug. "There is no need to apologise, my dear. I am hardly piqued by a fit of temper. Your bad mood will pass." And if it does not, and she seems likely to put herself in danger, why then I will just lock her up, and all will be well.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"Death is a traumatic thing for a human, I am not surprised if it upset you. Or it could be hormonal. Human bodies are prone to such mood swings. There is no need to apologise, my dear. I am hardly piqued by a fit of temper. Your bad mood will pass."

I can't help but smile a little at his assessment of death. "Death is traumatic, you say? No wonder most people don't do it more than once." I tease, but it is in a much better humor than I was in downstairs. I think about hormonal changes, do some quick math... and I groan in realization. "I am due for my monthlies. That must be it, combined with the whole 'coming back from the dead' thing, I am worse than usual." I give him a weak smile. "Not that you really needed to know that, I am sure. But still, it's not an excuse to be horrid. Thank you for being kind about my ill mood." I say, kneeling up to kiss his cheek.

"Lay down with me?" I ask him softly, sliding my hand around his neck to tangle in his hair. "Help me drive my melancholy away, and give me a real reason to be tired?" I sigh, working at the buttons of his shirt with my other hand.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Ah, Wanda, I think it may be some time before you bleed again. Then again, one never knows with these things. It is interesting how symptoms manifest themselves.

"Not that you really needed to know that, I am sure. But still, it's not an excuse to be horrid. Thank you for being kind about my ill mood."

I smile at Wanda and kiss her.

"I have had quite a long time to get used to the vagaries of human moods, my dear," I say indulgently. "Now worry about it no longer."

"Help me drive my melancholy away, and give me a real reason to be tired?"

Wanda does love the feel of this body, and I am satisfied to gratify her, since it takes little effort and yields pleasing results.

"Of course," I say, and I pull my shirt over my head. "Let me remind you of why you are so very fond of me." I give her a wicked grin, and then I slip my hand under her skirt.

*

It is late in the evening when I finally let her come, after drawing out the experience into an exquisite sort of suffering.

"I hope you are well worn out," I say against her ear as I lie back, one arm behind my head, the other resting on her breast.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I am languid and well sated when Kent sprawls out alongside me.

"I hope you are well worn out," I chuckle and and stretch out my body, feeling all the muscles that may ache come morning. I will welcome it, for it is a delicious sort of discomfort that awaits.

"Hmmmm... I do believe I am, Mr. Whitman." I comment, smile quirking up at the rather ridiculous endearments we've taken to addressing each other by.
"Even more amazing... I may actually be hungry." I laugh a little, but when confronted with the idea of actually getting up, it is so not happening. I purr a bit in contentment and press my body alongside his, reveling in his warmth as I slip an arm about his stomach. "Ah well, it just means I shall eat a big breakfast." i sigh, kissing his shoulder. "If you stay long enough to join me, I will even drink that awful milk for you." I yawn, sitting up just enough to pull a blanket over us before making myself comfortable beside him again.

[al-shairan.livejournal.com]

Wanda is sated and satisfied. How easy it is to change human moods.

"If you stay long enough to join me, I will even drink that awful milk for you."

"It is a deal," I say with a smile, and I kiss her forehead. "Sleep, my dear. I will be here when you wake."

When she falls asleep, I put my hand over her belly, fingers splayed against her bare skin. There was a star danced -

Yes, my dear. Yes.