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estdeus_innobisDay Two Hundred Twelve
Tuesday December 29th
Management's Wagon
Never thought of Nu as a particularly reassuring person, but he made this easier for me. Syl's been encouraging me, sure, but Syl's got something of a vested interest in me wanting to come back. Nu...Nu's got no reason to lie when he says people'd be alright with it. And much as part of me still burns at the memory of what they did to me, part of me's longing to be home.
And more of me's stung with curiosity at what they'll ask. Killed the cat, and all.
Possibly not the best reason to end up in front of this door. I managed to avoid it when I was here, and now I'm reaching out and rapping my knuckles on the thing mostly because the wondering's itching at me so much.
Somehow, I suspect I'm really going to regret this. But that's never stopped me before.
[Open to Management]
Tuesday December 29th
Management's Wagon
Never thought of Nu as a particularly reassuring person, but he made this easier for me. Syl's been encouraging me, sure, but Syl's got something of a vested interest in me wanting to come back. Nu...Nu's got no reason to lie when he says people'd be alright with it. And much as part of me still burns at the memory of what they did to me, part of me's longing to be home.
And more of me's stung with curiosity at what they'll ask. Killed the cat, and all.
Possibly not the best reason to end up in front of this door. I managed to avoid it when I was here, and now I'm reaching out and rapping my knuckles on the thing mostly because the wondering's itching at me so much.
Somehow, I suspect I'm really going to regret this. But that's never stopped me before.
[Open to Management]
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-14 09:06 pm (UTC)( in the space of things that can be remembered
they will know us they know us
strikethroughthemorning& is that
yes, yes, the (morning star fair and fallen)'s breath of fresh air
not ours now, not ours then but borrowed for a space
but comes he back?
He looks cold, does he not? He has been there some time. (Some! Precious word, is it not? Sum; summa. Totality. But we grow distracted and another sum of time has passed.)
We open the door, and he enters. We leave it dark; he likes theatre, does he not? He does. He does.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-14 09:13 pm (UTC)I can't hear anything. Nothing. Hairs go up on the back of my neck, animal instinct and human fear.
Breathe past it. I'm not animal or human, after all, and I know the darkness. And whatever they are, they can't be more terrible than Iblis.
The open door suggests it, but I ask the crucial first question, and my voice is calm. "Am I welcome here?"
no subject
Date: 2010-03-14 09:29 pm (UTC)"Am I welcome here?"
Let us set you at (y)our ease, my dear. A gift, yes? Zann liked gifts. They all like gifts. Why else would our Friend be so popular, even after all he has done? And so we look inside ourselves and ah, yes, a most pretty gift, two words the colour of blood and the colour of morning, and we polish them until they shine very brightly as we say:
The air is dazzled and then it is dark once more, though not as dark; shadows and shapes, and a flicker of movement in the room, which is just a caravan, is it not? For now.
"Dear Tez," we say. "Do sit down." For there is a chair next to him; he will see it dimly. "Next him was Feare, all arm'd from top to toe. Ha ha, Spenser! Do you know him? A great poet, once. Sit, sit."
no subject
Date: 2010-03-14 10:11 pm (UTC)"Dear Tez. Do sit down. Next him was Feare, all arm'd from top to toe. Ha ha, Spenser! Do you know him? A great poet, once. Sit, sit."
"Not personally," I say, dryly. After that invocation of my name, my own voice echoes more than it should. Sit down in the chair that I can make out near me (and is it my eyes seeing more than they did, or has the space lightened?) and look at the nothing around me. "My thanks for your welcome." I wonder if they always knew what I was; I have little doubt that they did.
So many things I want to ask. "As for fear...I suspect you won't tell me I shouldn't be afraid." Raise my eyebrows a bit, though I don't know if they can see. Probably can.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 12:19 am (UTC)"Ha ha, oh Tez, we had forgotten you had a sense of humour! Dear boy, it has been too long since we chatted. And you have never introduced us to the girl. That was a trick you kept close, hm? Pretty girl." We shift in the dark. What does he see with his cat eyes? For now, perhaps, two shapes, ha. We could almost be men. (What a piece of work is - yes? Yes.) "It is not up to us to tell you whether to fear. You were a worldshaker, once, were you not? Bringer of night." A little light laugh in the shadows. "Would you care for tea?" A rattle of china. We step closer. Breathing on the back of his neck would be crass, yes? Yes. Set the teapot down beside him. "It does not have to be tea, you know," we observe. "It can be whatever you think it is. You know all about illusion, Tez, do you not?" Chuckle. "Now, do tell us why you are here, friend, after all this time."
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 12:39 am (UTC)Movement in the dim light - one person, two? Or not people, perhaps. "And you have never introduced us to the girl. That was a trick you kept close, hmm? Pretty girl."
Don't move to look at them. "You care for prettiness?" My flesh is creeping, at the thought of why they might, and there's something deeper rumbling below the level of flesh, behind it. I could look at them - No. No. "And I had forgotten a lot of things. Never intended a slight by it."
"It is not up to us to tell you whether to fear. You were a worldshaker, once, were you not? Bringer of night. Would you care for tea?" Laughter, sound of china clinking, and I breathe out very quietly. Once. Once. When this began with Iblis, I thought that I might be again; and I remember Syl and Nu asking me what I'm doing here.
Whatever they are, they're too close. I think of Lily on the lot, let in by them, and my lips tighten. "It does not have to be tea, you know. It can be whatever you think it is. You know all about illusion, Tez, do you not?"
Do twist, then, but I can't see them. "Less than I did once." I wonder what they thought, when I joined the show. Did they imagine this? Could they foresee it? I reach out and take one of the teacups, but I don't drink. Not yet.
"Now, do tell us why you are here, friend, after all this time."
Not so long, I suspect, by their measure. Unless they mean the time before, when I was with the Diabolique, and never called on them. Strange, then, that they call me friend.
"I'd thought of perhaps coming - back," I say bluntly. Nearly said home. All this politeness and tea and friendliness bothers me.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 08:47 pm (UTC)"Oh, dear boy, more than you did when you joined us, surely? Surely. You barely knew what you were, then." We laugh lightly. "You have come such a long way. Or perhaps it would be better to say gone back a long way, hm? Haha, yes, back and forth. Enemy of both sides, are you not? You can never set your mind to one thing. I suppose some say that is a weakness, do they not, dear boy?" We laugh again. "But of course it can be a strength. We know something of stepping between choices ourselves, yes. It is why you and we have had such interesting conversations in the past. Perhaps if you become more as you were you will remember them."
"I'd thought of perhaps coming - back," he continues.
"Oh, how nice, how positively delightful. We do so enjoy remaking old acquaintances." Sometimes literally, yes, haha. A writing desk. "But why? We supposed you had a new master."
no subject
Date: 2010-03-15 09:52 pm (UTC)Is that even true? I don't know if they lie, or how much. Do they know how much that makes me itch to remember? Is it deliberate? I wish I knew what I'm talking to.
"Oh, how nice, how positively delightful. We do so enjoy remaking old acquaintances." Unnervingly welcoming, and it almost distracts me from their next words: "But why? We supposed you had a new master."
He is not my master, and you never were. Bite down on the words before I can say them, but I can feel my lip curl back from my teeth. I wonder whether, if I became fully what I was, I could destroy them. Perhaps the goading's deliberate, too.
They have the power here, but I do not like to crawl. Except under certain, specialized circumstances, which most definitely don't apply here.
"A master? If he were, I would have done more terrible things than I have." Is that their price, then? Mastery? Not one I will pay, Iblis or no Iblis. "But what use for me would you have?"
no subject
Date: 2010-03-17 11:39 pm (UTC)"A master? If he were, I would have done more terrible things than I have."
"But you are his, are you not? Dear boy, dear boy, when you love something so completely, how long before it becomes your master?" We wonder if he will answer. It is an interesting question. "And as for what use you have, why, very little at present. But we do not necessarily keep things for their present purpose. We are collectors, one could say, haha. Yes. We have a cabinet of curios. What could you give us, Tez, do you think? We do so like to be amused."
no subject
Date: 2010-03-17 11:57 pm (UTC)I look at where they are - or aren't - thoughtfully. "His, yes." Yours, lord, and his touch. "As for mastery...when I put what I care for aside for him, I think." I remember that stab of fury, rejection, when Syl said that he'd raped Genny and I thought she meant by force. When I no longer feel that - then, maybe. Or when I feel it, and put it aside. Syl would say that I already do, I think, but I know the truth of it.
"And as for what use you have, why, very little at present. But we do not necessarily keep things for their present purpose. We are collectors, one could say, haha. Yes. We have a cabinet of curios. What could you give us, Tez, do you think? We do so like to be amused."
I don't like the idea of being kept like that, like an object, and my jaw tightens. Remind myself why I'm here. "For your amusement? I could have given you a lot, once. Luck or illchance, a star newborn in the Orion nebula, the ending of a world. I haven't much, now."
What would they even want of me? "And what I have belongs to him as much as me. Nothing that would deprive him, then...."
Sit back in my seat. I don't like the way they're pushing this bargaining onto me. "And what am I exchanging it for? To simply stay here? To be - part of the show, again? What would that even mean, now?" I think of Syl asking if I've tried to leave recently, and add, "I couldn't leave town, after I left the show - just like the others. Has part of me been tied here, all along?" Questions for questions. Not a time or place to be unwary.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-21 01:55 am (UTC)We laugh at that, quite pleased.
"Ah Tez, sometimes you show more insight that we would expect, given for how long you forgot yourself."
"And what I have belongs to him as much as me. Nothing that would deprive him, then...."
"What you have belongs to him," we say. "Why Tez, that sounds like quite the marriage vow. But we hear he married some little woman in town. Life is curious, is it not? And our Friend has quite the curious sense of humour. Haha. We mean no disrespect, of course. Of course. We are curious ourselves, haha, yes."
"And what am I exchanging it for? To simply stay here? To be - part of the show, again? What would that even mean, now?" I think of Syl asking if I've tried to leave recently, and add, "I couldn't leave town, after I left the show - just like the others. Has part of me been tied here, all along?"
"Being part of the carnival tied you, dear boy," we say patiently. "When you joined, you joined us. Part of you is part of our body, now. If we are here, how can our body leave, hm? What a silly question." Nobody ever really checks the small print. It is a sad truth that few are diligent in their own defence. "You could come back without any of this folderol, dear boy. We never fired you. If we had, you would know about it. Oh, yes, indeed." A long silence then, as we think about that. "Do you like your tea?"
no subject
Date: 2010-03-22 10:44 pm (UTC)"Most curious," I say dryly, though the hair is still prickling on my arms.
"Being part of the carnival tied you, dear boy. When you joined, you joined us. Part of you is part of our body, now. If we are here, how can our body leave, hm? What a silly question."
...Joined us? Look at - them - thoughtfully, the hazy outline. Now, isn't that interesting. "If someone can leave their body," I say, somewhat cautiously, "guess it's possible their body could leave them. Part of it, at least." Stretch my legs out in front of me a little pointedly.
And then - "You could come back without any of this folderol, dear boy. We never fired you. If we had, you would know about it. Oh, yes, indeed."
The last part, though ominous, hardly registers. You could come back.... Heartstopping moment, and I realise I'm half out of my chair, hand extended -
"Do you like your tea?"
Finish getting to my feet, put the cup down. Realise, as I do, that my hand's a bit unsteady. Turn to look at where they aren't. "The tea." I say, a little numbly. "It's - very good." I can feel the smile that's starting, but more a sense of sheer exhausted relief. It's...I feel like I could fucking hug them.
Wonder if anyone's ever hugged Management, and the thought twitches my smile wider.
"I'll - start the show again, if you want. I don't know if people would come, now, but - or other work, around the lot - "
no subject
Date: 2010-03-23 10:12 pm (UTC)"A perspicacious observation, dear Tez. Would you be interested in reacquiring your foot? We could look for it. Of course you used it in making the world, but then so many gods used so many bits of themselves in world building. Earth's crammed with heaven, haha, do you know? We suppose you do, for Only he who sees takes off his shoes, and you did that already long ago, yes? Yes."
Tez leaps from his chair after we say he may as well return. Of course the movement is slow, but we understand the sense of it. A figurative leaping, haha.
"I'll - start the show again, if you want. I don't know if people would come, now, but - or other work, around the lot - "
"We are sure you will find something productive to do, dear Tez. We think a new show, perhaps. Something...bigger, hm? More of yourself. Welcome home. Do finish your tea before you go."
no subject
Date: 2010-03-23 11:07 pm (UTC)"We are sure you will find something productive to do, dear Tez. We think a new show, perhaps. Something...bigger, hm? More of yourself. Welcome home."
Dear Tez. They've said that before, and I wonder if it's a figure of speech, or if they're capable of any kind of affection. Wondering what they mean about the show - though I'm sure I can work something out - but mostly it's that welcome home. Close my eyes for a very brief moment. Maybe they're right, in some way, about all of us being part of them. Didn't realise until they said I could come back that I'd been feeling so...lost. Think that's maybe the word. Cut off from everything, except Iblis, further and further adrift.
They tell me to finish my tea, though there's a dismissal in it too. I sip obediently, trying not to grin too much over the tea cup. Can't fucking wait to tell Genny. And Syl.