Some things are better left...

[silence-excolo.livejournal.com]

[Day Two Hundred Eight - Friday, December 25th]
[about 4 in the morning]

The nights are long and cold now. The grounds are deserted, for the most part, and covered in frost & snow. Whatever melt that happened during the day is freezing up, and whatever tracks left are filling up. I stand at the edge of the Carnivale grounds, my hands jammed in my pockets and hoodie pulled up, and stare out at the lights of Excolo. I do this most nights, it seems. I'm not really sure why.

 

It's beautiful, almost picture-perfect, with its twinkling warmth & blanket of snow. The perfect winter picture. Then why am I so reluctant to go there? Most the rest of the Carnivale's there now, at the Tavern, drinking in the Yule/Christmas/holiday-etc. cheer, socializing or whatever. But I just have this... feeling that there's something there that I'm just not ready for, something... What's the word? I scowl and press my mouth tight, trying to focus, but it's gone. I let out the breath I was unintentionally holding and it steams in the air.

 

I look back over the Carnivale. I've been here a few months now and the work's good, but I've not yet figured out why I'm here. Why did Fate lead me to this place? What am I suppose to accomplish, if anything? It's possible that there is no purpose beyond the work - beyond maintaining the games and balance of this place - but I feel there's more I'm not seeing here. I like this place well enough. Those I have had the chance to work with have been ok. And I'm slowly learning the way it seems to attract... strangeness. I'd dare say I'm not the only oddity drawn here by Fate. Heh, I'm certainly not the only god-creature here; my senses can tell that much at least.

 

I sigh through my nose and turn my gaze back to Excolo. The sky is lightening ever so slightly. How long have I been standing here this time, I wonder. The town is asleep now, most of the lights dimmed. Whether the party at the Tavern is still going on or not, I can't tell. I gaze up into the sky to see it's mostly clear, the millions of stars slowly winking out, consumed by the radiance of the incoming sun.

 

Perhaps that's what troubles me. Perhaps when I find what has called me, find the source behind the pull, I'll be overwhelmed and disappear within it. It's inevitable, I suppose.

 

Ah, that's the word. Inevitable.

 

I turn back and walk to my trailer. Gotta get some sleep.

[Open to whoever might be at the Carnivale]
[Closed]

Comments

[hopeorfaith.livejournal.com]

Woke up 'bout an hour ago an' ain't bin able t'go back t'sleep. 'Ad a lot t'think about since we spoke to Management. Seems they could do it, alright, make me an' Hope separate, but it's an 'igh cost. Dunno what t'make of it. Hope an' I ain't talked 'bout it too much yet. Got t'turn things over in our own 'eads, yeah? About the only privacy we've got, most o'the time, an' this is somethin' t'be thought on.

Decide I need a smoke, so I persuade Hope we should stand on the steps an' 'ave a puff. Go outside all bundled up in a couple o'big shawls an' see Silence walkin' by. Not a bad lookin' bird, but clearly 'er name ain't sarcastic.

"Merry Christmas," I say as she comes past. Blow out smoke an' frost breath into the dark.

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean to get out of the Tavern as late as I did, but now it's time to hand out the presents and go home and sleep through Christmas. I'm drunk, well, more groggy than drunk. I didn't allow myself to get that far gone. I'm not in the mood to deal with drunks, even if the drunk is me. I walk along, stopping at Tents, and caravans, trailers and the like and leave off my little gifts, then cross toward my trailer. Thirty plus feet of cold metal tube. Merry f'n Christmas. I pause, stand there in the mud and snow and look up at the sky. Cold, dark, empty. "I... HATE... YOU!!!" I shout, in a tongue, long dead and forgotten. I lean back and let it out as loud as I can, then look back down when I start to get dizzy. OK, I'm more drunk than I thought.

Voices. Female, and familiar. I stop and look through the dark and see figures ahead. Two bodies, three people. I wipe them away fast, before they freeze on my cheek, and feel a smile come across my face. Faith and Hope, and a silhouette I do not recognize yet. Someone new? That would be odd considering the time of year. I stand where I am, but know that if they didn't know I was there before, they sure as Hell do now.

[silence-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I- HATE- YOU!!" comes echoing through the air, bouncing off the sides of the trailers in tinny, resonating tones. Except it sounded more like... well, I don't know what it sounded like, but it wasn't English. Then how the hell did I understand it? I turn towards the source of the noise to see the bouncer (Gar, was it?) headed in our direction. Possibly one of the largest men I've ever seen. Is he the one who shouted? He notices us, stops & seems to sway just a bit. Then he wipes his face I smiles, suddenly cordial.

Yah, I really don't wanna see this guy drunk. But what am I gonna do, leave Faith & Hope behind to deal with it? I think not.

"Uhm, yah. Happy Holidays to you, too, man," I reply, & wait to see if he either goes to bed or what.

[hopeorfaith.livejournal.com]

Silence wishes us Merry Christmas in that quiet way she 'as - not that 'er voice is quiet exactly, but just like she... don't want to take up space with talkin'. Then she says "Are you Chri-", but what she says gets cut off by this loud shoutin', an' Gar weaves inter view. Oh, bloody 'ell. Think 'e's alright, really, but I can't 'elp bein' a bit intimidated by 'im, seein's 'ow 'e's so tall an' big. (An' I just know Faith's thinkin' somethin' dirty 'bout that.)

"Evenin', Gar," I say. "Or maybe we should say mornin'." Smile a bit. "You 'ad a good night then?"

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

When I hear Hope speak to me, I smile wider and slowly, move toward them. As I get closer, I recognize Sil, and I give a shy wave to them. I always overcompensate for my size, especially around friends, and ladies. "Morning. Merry Christmas." I say to the three of them, and put my hands into my pockets. I notice for the first time just how cold and crisp it is out, hopefully it will sober me up a bit.

"Aren't all good children supposed to be in bed, dreaming of sugar plumbs, and other dancing Christmas goodies?" I ask the three of them. Then something occurs to me, and I frown a bit. "There's nothing wrong is there Hope, you and your Mama all OK?" I ask. I look out for all of those that are in the Carnival and live on the lot. I'm sort of like the very old, very big guard dog I suppose.

I glance at Sil, and try to see if she's upset about something, she's really a quiet sort, so I don't want to press her to talk, unless she wants to.

[hopeorfaith.livejournal.com]

"Morning. Merry Christmas."

Nod at 'im.

"Merry Christmas t'you an' all, luvvie," I say.

"Aren't all good children supposed to be in bed, dreaming of sugar plumbs, and other dancing Christmas goodies?"

I give 'im a smirk.

"Can't speak fer Silence an' Hope, but I ain't never been what you'd call good." Wink at 'im. Then 'e frowns a bit.

"There's nothing wrong is there Hope, you and your Mama all OK?"

Raise me eyebrows an' interject before Hope can answer.

"We're fine. Ma's still dead." Take a drag on my cig and blow out smoke. "You?"

[silence-excolo.livejournal.com]

I watch with some wariness as Gar approaches, wishing us a Merry Christmas. Seems he's not too drunk, still capable of speech & all. He smiles & fumbles with his hands, like he's suddenly uncomfortable. Then he sticks his foot in his mouth.

"We're fine. Ma's still dead. You?"

Ok, that was Faith talking. I'm getting the hang of it now. But seriously, how drunk do you gotta be to ask about someone's dead mom? Granted, I didn't know their mom was dead until just now, but still. I give the twins a quick glance; Faith seems stone-faced & unphased but Hope... there's something in her expression I can't quite make out.

I turn back to Gar & set my shoulders. He's so tall that looking at him in the eye gives me a neck-ache. "Maybe you should get off to bed," I say, hands still in my pockets. I'm not really pissed, just annoyed that a guy like him... like... what? Dammit, I lost it again. I scowl a bit, thinking, then look back at him. It's like he reminds me of someone...

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

As soon as the words are out of my mouth,
my addled brain re-engages and I recall. There is no Ma, she's long gone. FUCK! The thoughts I'd been entertaining about Faith in my head evaporate and I shake my head and give them an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. Mouth going, brain not keeping up." I say quietly then look over toward Silence.

I raise up my eyebrows and she gets a smug grin. "Are you offering to tuck me in?" I ask and cross my arms over my chest. Yeah, I just stuck my large foot in my mouth, but I'm not about to be sent to bed by anything walking or crawling on the crust of this planet. "Because that could be interesting... to say the least." I ad, then wait for the inevitable return volley. I'm already fucking miserable, why not see just how rotten I can sink to feeling?

[hopeorfaith.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry. Mouth going, brain not keeping up."

"That's alright," I say. "Faith 'as a mouth on 'er an' all," I say, givin' 'er a look, an' she rolls 'er eyes at me. I'm sure it was an 'onest mistake. Gar's a nice enough bloke, fer all 'e's big an' a bit scary from time t'time.

Silence says 'e should go to bed, an' I agree. 'E's three sheets to the wind, an' I bet 'e'll 'ave a right 'eadache in the mornin'.

"You should get some sleep," I say kindly. "Don't want an 'angover on Christmas mornin', do yer?"

[silence-excolo.livejournal.com]

I stare at Gar for a few seconds without really hearing what he or Hope is saying. It's not his face or form that's familiar to me so much as his actions & manner. For a brief moment I lose sight if Gar's face; it's gone, overlayed by another. Oh, I know him! But who is he? Someone long lost, perhaps even dead, but here he is, nameless, within my grasp, at the tip of my fingers, & oh, how I've missed you! If only I could see you, touch you one more time, if just to remember if I hated you or loved you-

I stop. The face is gone. My hand, a hair's breadth away, is now next to Gar's cheek, not his. I pull it back quickly & clasp it in my other hand. It's oddly warm. It has been ages since I've had such a memory flash. Then I realize it probably looked pretty strange to the others.

"Sorry," I say, wrapping my arms around my chest, my hands firmly clamped against my sides. "I'm tired." I nod towards Faith & Hope. I couldn't explain my actions even if I wanted to, so I don't. Besides, I get the feeling they'll be alright... for now. Gar's not what they're up smoking & thinking about at whatever o'clock this morning. And Gar... well, I need more sleep before I think any more about him.

"Get some rest," I say to them all as I turn to walk away. We're all gonna need it.

Maybe that's why Fate has brought me here to this place- to remember. But what, exactly? And do I want to?

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

Hope is so sweet, so kind, both of them are really. I can be such an idiot and now it's apparent that simple speech is beyond me when I've had a beer or three. I think it was three. Anyway, I am about to attempt to say something not embarrassing or traumatic to them when out of the corner of my eye, I notice Silence. She's moved closer to me, and before I really grasp the action, seemed to be reaching toward my face, but then retreats. I blink slowly, and confused doesn't begin to cover how I am feeling now. I wasn't getting a touchy feeling vibe from her, toward me, at all.

Sorry. she says, then turns. "Get some rest. she says, echoing Hope's suggestion to me. Man, maybe I should take a hint? I'm just not in a big hurry to go to a dark, cold trailer. I'm not delusional to think any of the three of them will want to go back with me, I'm just enjoying the company, which is now dwindling. "Yeah! Good idea!" I call out to her, and try to sound friendly. I then glance at Faith, for her reaction.

[hopeorfaith.livejournal.com]

Silence gets this weird dreamy look on 'er face an' then she reaches up like she's goin' to touch Gar, an' 'er eyes widen like she's seein' 'im fer the first time. Then she says goodnight an' goes off.

"That was a bit odd, yeah?" I say. Drop my cigarette into the snow. Yawn a bit. "Might try gettin' a bit more sleep before dawn. Cold out 'ere, anyway." Smile at Gar an' reach up t'put an 'and on 'is shoulder. "You take care, alright?" No need t'be too 'ard on the big lunk. "Might see you at the cooktent tomorrow. Should be a good meal for Christmas."

[angelus-luxuria.livejournal.com]

Faith puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me that, "You really should go home and sleep this off." look after she stamps out her smoke. Her words that follow confirm what I was guessing, and I just concede and nod. "Yeah. I should just head home and sleep this off and the rest of the day I suppose." I say and then give her a smile and then when I realize my gaze is lingering just a bit too long on her, I turn and wave to them over my shoulder. "Thanks girls, Merry Christmas to you!" I call back. With that being said and done, I stuff my hands back into my pockets and set a direct course for home. No one including the Devil himself is going to waylay me. I need to be alone, and see through the end of this farce for another year.

[silence-excolo.livejournal.com]

The scent of cigarette smoke hits me as I round the corner towards the trailers. Never did like the stuff, but to each their own, I suppose. I just never saw the appeal in killing oneself slowly, I guess. A little ways off I see someone exhaling a puff of steaming smoke. Ah, the twins. I've seen them around, but I don't know much about them beyond their names & the whole Siamese Twin Tarot thing. It must be an interesting existence, to never be alone. But then again, if it's all you've ever known, I suppose they would think the same thing of others. Heh, guess I kinda know what it's like, if not in the physical sense.

"Merry Christmas," one of them says to me as I pass. Faith, I think, but to be honest I'm not certain. I nod & am about to keep on walking, but I figure I can at least return their greeting. Plus, I suddenly have an odd urge to ask them a question. So I stop just past them & turn back towards them a little. "Merry Christmas," I reply. I pause for a second, thinking of how to best word my question.

"Are you Chri-"