Routine is not the same as growth.

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

[Late morning of Thursday, December 10 (day 193)]
[At the Sacred Whore Miskatonic]

One thing I grant to feeling unwell--makes it sure as hell that once I wake up on not lying abed rather than hauling myself to the kitchen for mint and chamomile. Shower and dress warm and'm standing by the stove for what heat it has and looking out at the grey sky. Like to sleet soon enough, I think.

The room's strange quiet, and'm--

"No. No, we just lie here. Do you want a book? Stop fidgeting."

"You have me always, love."

--remembering things, not sure for how long. Winnie's and Damien's voices're sifting in through the door, sound without sense, and I look up blankly. Dorian paid them on Fridays, didn't he...? Suppose I'll need to... see to something, while he's not here. Count out the till tonight, and see if I can find books he kept, see what they're owed? Not sure how sound an idea it is but it'd give me something t'do. Tonight, may be.

Shake my head and clear away the dishes and pull on my coat and shut the door behind me, meaning to cut through the store and head out to Silk and on from there.

[Open to Kate and Tess]
[Closed]

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[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Dammit, 've I eaten yet? Realize I've not. Nod agreement and we head back up the street. Lowering sky, grey day... Shrug deeper into the coat she made me.

"I won't ask if you're alright," she says as we find ourselves a table. "But are you managing?"

"Doing well enough, I think," I say quietly, sitting. "Took Iago's wedding invitation t'him and left word that Dorian was gone, remembered I ought see to't that Winnie and Damien're paid. I've no mind for if he's coming back, but a week..." Sure it's too soon to give up hoping. Surely. "Not sleeping through the days, so I suppose it's going well enough." Tulzcha comes and we order, and I'm for tea rather than coffee again, and then she heads back and we're alone and I feel something rising in my throat.

"I'm--" and the word freezes in my mouth and mother's bones, you'd think I could say it-- "," I add very softly. And that brings on tired, afraid, alone, and feeling far more akin to my mam than I've done in years. Wonder if I ought apologize and I think not, but the worry's there. "I thought... took you for caring to know. How've you been?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

I feel my throat tighten at the idea of Glass taking her wedding invitation to show her husband. There aren't really words.

I ask for a mug of hot chocolate when Tulzcha comes over - I think I've been drinking too much coffee lately, and my sleep has been disturbed as it is.

"I'm pregnant" says Glass very quietly, and I feel myself blink. "I thought... took you for caring to know. How've you been?"

"Glass," I breathe, and then Tulzcha comes back and sets down the cups in front of us and goes away. I reach across the table and take her hand. "Oh Glass. Congratulations." I realise I'm smiling. "Are you glad about it, despite - the situation?"

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

Says my name and I don't say anything, only watch the table's Tulzcha brings drinks and leaves again, but look up again when she takes my hand, squeeze hers in mine a second. "Are you glad about it, despite - the situation?"

Oddest thing, but I'd not thought about it in that light at all. Glad. Start t'say something and find I'm lacking words again, and only nod instead. If I weren't... well. If I wanted the matter swept aside, it'd be a few hours at the most and I've surely had the time to spare. And find I'm bracing myself 'gainst even the thought of that, so...

"That's a word for't," I say after a moment, smiling a little. "I'd... didn't chase this, but'd not have it otherwise." Can feel the blood rising in my face and I look down and aside again a moment, try'n compose myself.

"'sides," I say, trying for something a little lighter, "'ve seen that a mother alone c'n raise a child well enough." Glosses over the matter of the next seven months'r so, but there's little enough I can do for those save travel through, a day at a time.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"I'd... didn't chase this, but'd not have it otherwise."

My smile lifts at that. I'm so glad. After everything that has happened to Glass, I am so glad that she has this and that she is happy.

"'ve seen that a mother alone c'n raise a child well enough."

"You know you aren't alone, don't you?" I say quietly. "Even if - even if Iago and Dorian don't..." I clear my throat. "You won't have to raise your baby alone."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"You know you aren't alone, don't you? Even if - even if Iago and Dorian don't..." and I can feel myself knotting up at that, and she lets it go. Thank you, Kate. "You won't have to raise your baby alone."

"Thought not," I say quietly, and oh bloody hell I am not going to be making a damn spectacle of myself, I am not. Blink once and look away a moment, and run fingers across my eyes, and my sight clears. Suddenly want to laugh, and I've no mind for why, and smile and touch her hand instead. What'd she say t'me once, what powers I have I give to you?

"It's been odd," I confess, and look for more words, and find the only thing comes to mind is "'m glad of you. 'm sorry, Kate, it's all been a touch overwhelming, the last fortnight."

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Glass runs her hand across her eyes, and I find I have to blink hard for a moment too. I smile back at her when she touches my hand.

"'m glad of you. 'm sorry, Kate, it's all been a touch overwhelming, the last fortnight."

"I can imagine," I say quietly, and then add - "no, I can't, I don't think. But what I can imagine of it is bad enough. If you ever need anything, you need only ask," I say. "And the news of the baby is pleasant distraction," I add. "It's been - an odd week for me, too." The smile I give her is a little shaky at the edges, I think.

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"I can imagine," she says and then she's resetting the words of that, but I've caught the intent well enough, and I nod. "If you ever need anything, you need only ask," and I think I always knew it but it's steadying t'hear it said. "And the news of the baby is pleasant distraction. It's been - an odd week for me, too," she ventures, and'm not quite at ease with her smile.

"You aright?" I say, tilting my head a touch t'the side. "What happened?" Other times I could've maybe made a guess at it, but this last week I think I might've missed hearing of it if the water tower burnt down.

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"What happened?" says Glass, and I don't want to tell her. Partly it is because so much has happened to her that makes this pale in comparison; partly it is because it almost makes me feel ashamed. Partly I find I'm worried about making Glass think badly of Tess, and I'm not sure why I should mind that, given what's happened.

I look at the table.

"Tess lay with Syl Thorn," I say, very quietly. Saying it is like trying to get a bone out of my throat. "Not - recently. Before we -" I pause and breathe out. "She told me how she - felt about me," I say, and I feel myself colour. "I told her I cared about her, but I - needed to think. I had a lot to think about. And while I was doing that, she... Went to bed with Syl." I look up. "I haven't seen her since she told me. I don't know what she - " I will not cry, not here. I glance away and back.

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

See her stop and the words caught in her throat, and I feel a knot starting in my shoulders, my teeth getting ready to be on edge. I'd not see her hurt, and none of how she's carrying herself is setting me at ease. Fold my hands on the table as she begins to lay it out--

"Tess lay with Syl Thorn."

--and for a moment there's only a hard bright anger inside me, sharp as a burn. Draw breath in low and slow and listen as Kate goes on. Not while she and Kate were keeping company, then, and yet that it's not as bad as't could've been's not gentling my mood any. "She told me how she - felt about me," and the blood's rising in her face and I know how that feels, the raw miserable heat. "I told her I cared about her, but I - needed to think. I had a lot to think about. And while I was doing that, she... Went to bed with Syl."

Tess Thiess, you bleeding idiot, and I find I'm near t'showing my teeth. Think of the first time I spoke to Iago, and fine enough I'd not've been surprised if he'd taken up with another after that, he sure's hell wasn't telling me he cared for me that day. Wanted, yes, but there's a sea of difference there and I knew it. You care for someone and they ask you for time, you don't...

"I haven't seen her since she told me," Kate finishes. "I don't know what she - " and she's looking aside, back, eyes bright and face resolutely dry.

"'m sorry," I say. "She-- ah, Kate." Glance down a moment t'gather myself and give her a chance t'compose her face if she needs it. I can't quite see how Tess could've been so stupid, pettish careless cruel. Reach for her hand 'cross the table, and wishing I had some gift for words.

"She was a fool or worse t'do that t'you," I manage after a moment. Suppose Kate knows that, but it's true enough t'say regardless. Weigh it a moment, the sorrow of I don't know what she -, and try for words to set out the shape of that. "Take it you'd know more of her mind, then?" I say gently. Take it you still care?

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

Glass doesn't say anything for a minute, and I'm glad of it. I swallow down the lump in my throat and it passes.

"She was a fool or worse t'do that t'you," says Glass.

"Her brother thinks a fool rather than something crueller," I say. "Johnny came to speak to me," I say, smiling a bit. "He seemed concerned for me because of what had happened. Tess told him. I don't know how she can tell him but won't talk to me." I shake my head at the senselessness of it.

"Take it you'd know more of her mind, then?"

"Johnny thinks she still - loves me," I say after a moment. "If she does, she's being a - a coward for not coming to see me," I say. "If she doesn't, well..." My mouth twists. "I'd rather hear it than wonder." I look down into my mug and wait until I can be sure my voice is steady. "I don't - care for women, you know," I say after a pause. "I don't think I do. I don't notice girls in the street, or..." I breathe out. "It changed a lot about the way I think about things, realising I - cared for her. I knew it wasn't quite the same for her, because she'd - cared for other women, but." My mouth turns down. "I feel like I don't know if she - if she loved. Loves me the way I thought she did."

[glass-beddau.livejournal.com]

"Her brother thinks a fool rather than something crueller," and at least she's smiling a little speaking of John. Glad he did her that kindness, though I'd rather Tess'd drawn herself up and been the one t'talk to Kate. Nod and listen, and there's silence for a moment as the steam from our cups rises slow in the light. "Johnny thinks she still - loves me. If she does, she's being a - a coward for not coming to see me. If she doesn't, well..." Recall her naming what she felt for Tess love and how happy I was for her that she'd say that of someone. Forgotten how much it could hurt, for that moment.

"It changed a lot about the way I think about things, realising I - cared for her. I knew it wasn't quite the same for her, because she'd - cared for other women, but." Her mouth draws down and I wish sudden I'd asked her back to Dorian's, someplace where if she did weep it'd embarrass her less. Not that I think she's like to do that, but I can see her coming to the edge of it, hear the misery. "I feel like I don't know if she - if she loved. Loves me the way I thought she did," and my throat is aching at her words, can near to feel them like bones in my own throat.

Take my free hand from where it's against the base of my throat, over the weight of Iago's ring, and lay it against hers; both my hands there, then, and wishing I could set things aright. "'m not the one to lay out if or how she loves you," I say slow. I'd be if I could, if only so Kate'd know; the guessing at how much of it was true, how much was chance, how much of it's been thrown off... "But I'd swear you were no whim t'her, and she didn't take t'you lightly." Tess was trying t'mend things between Kate'n'me after Hollantide, making courtesies she'd no need to, and I know well enough that it wasn't for my sake. Asked after Kate's birth day, 's well, for wanting t'do her some kindness, I recall that.

"That she's being a coward not coming t'see you, I'm not arguing. Though--" My own mouth twists, and it's not Iago I'm thinking of now, nor Tess, but of Laurence coming t'find me, and the hissing curse burrowing through Kate's bones. "Know that finding you've hurt someone you care for can make cowards of the best of us, for a while." Got myself dosed on Green Vespers and told Iago what I'd done before I could find it in me to speak to her. Think I've maybe some mind for why Tess spoke to John but not yet to Kate, not that understanding quite quenches the anger. What she was thinking...

I've never been one to take sex for caring and bloody hell am I drawing from Dorian Gray's thoughts on the matter?

"'m guessing," I say after a moment, my voice low, "that Tess takes-- laying with someone to be something that's... that can matter, but that needn't. The matter of her and Syl. She tell you freely?"

[kateohara.livejournal.com]

"But I'd swear you were no whim t'her, and she didn't take t'you lightly."

I nod, because it's kind of Glass to say it, and I trust her judgement more than anyone else's I can think of.

'm guessing "that Tess takes-- laying with someone to be something that's... that can matter, but that needn't. The matter of her and Syl. She tell you freely?"

"Mostly freely," I say. "I went over to the carnival to talk to Syl Thorn about - Iago," I say, "and when I got there Tess was there too, and since she told me she hadn't seen Syl in weeks I thought it strange." I decide not to mention the part about them being undressed; it's too humiliating, remembering how I felt, even if I believe Tess than nothing had happened. "I told her she needn't keep her friends secret from me just because I don't like them - I know Syl did me a service, but I haven't trusted her since what happened to Kaeli," I add. "And Tess blurted it out. And I told her how it - how it made me feel, and I haven't seen her since."

I look out of the window at the grey day, and take a swallow of my hot chocolate, then look back at Glass.

"How far along do you think you are?" I ask. "I'm sure you can take care of medicines and the like better than I can, but are you eating well enough? I'll restock your shelves if you're not in the mood to think of what to eat," I say.