I'll try to do right this time around, Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

Sunday November 22nd
Day 175
Afternoon


Seeing him busy talking to someone in the congregation, I wave to Laurence, and leave the church. His sermon today was nice, leaning more towards the teachings of Jesus, loving and caring for each other instead of the ones with fire and brimstone and smiting. I can't say I much enjoy the ones about smiting. Even though the church reminds me of the last time I saw Lúgh, I still try to come every couple of weeks to learn and show him my support. I go to the Abbey the other two weeks of the month.

Wanda told me what happened that night Lúgh died, and at first I was angry, not at her, but at him. He knew what might happen and because he lied. But then when the anger passed, all I could do was cry. Even in class, I'd hear or see something that reminded me of him and I'd smile. Then I'd have to excuse myself and leave the room, feeling my eyes burn with tears. I know what he did was out of love and to do good, but why does it have to result in death? I saw Lucien before it happened, I saw the sadness and the horrible state he was in. I haven't been able to bring myself to see him since. Its not that I blame him, but I'm scared that seeing him might be more of a reminder than I can take.

I haven't used my powers since Lúgh died, I don't want to. Two that I loved gone in less than a month. and me with this power, I couldn't do a single thing except feel them go and feel the emptiness that's left in their place. Whats the use? When I get to the school house I don't feel much like company so instead of sitting out front, I go around back to the playground and sit in the swing. Though the air is cool, the sun is out and I don't mind. Even the sun does little for the chill inside me that took hold the night Lúgh died. Except for that one night not long ago when I woke up crying and feverish after dreaming of a beautiful, bright, warm, light, nothing has much of an affect. I can't even drink whiskey without it reminding me of him. As I swing, I'm relieved as my thoughts shift to a safer topic, the upcoming school tests. Not fun, but with all of the new students, its a good way to check progress and see where everyone is at. Leaning my head against the rope, I think of the test and what questions I'll ask.

[OPEN TO MARBAS] [CLOSED]

Comments

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

I have been spending most of my time with Lilith and Celeste in the garden, content to be in their company, watching Celeste with a wonder I have never known before. For centuries we tried, and then gave up. Now we have one... one perfect little human girl, with her mothers eyes. I know demons are not supposed to love...

but I am a human bound demon, and I am utterly enamoured with both my girls.

I have been venturing forth from out little paradise though, reluctantly, to give Lilith some private time and to make my presence known a bit more in town. I bought a small stone marker for Stephen Underwood, grieving brother that I am, and a well small things for the home I now own. I still have to figure out what to do about Lucien and regaining myself... Lilith knows what is to be done, but dammit! I like the man. A shortcoming for a demon to be sure.

Pondering this conundrum, I am out wandering Excolo, wondering if Celeste would enjoy a sweet from the cafe', when I feel a tug of melancholy from someone, someone that is familiar. Well, it seems all my senses have not left, but empathy was a trait I carried as a servant of the Light, even in human guise. I follow it to the school house.

Kaeli.

I should go, I should leave her be, she may not have been Lúgh's follower anymore, but she must have still cared for him. I should go...

"Hello, Kaeli" I say softly, so I do not startle her.

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"Hello, Kaeli" a voice says from behind me and my muscles involuntarily tense at the unfamiliar voice. Putting on my best fake smile, I turn, "Hello," I say, remembering that face. "Marbas." I may not be choosing to use my powers but I couldn't exactly shut him out before and I didn't notice him at all.

I can't feel him at all..How is that possible? Did I lose my power by refusing to use it? My heart leaps in my chest in a sort of happiness I didn't know if I would ever feel again.

"Why didn't you save him?" I ask, feeling anger sharp and cold, coiling tightly in my gut. I don't know why I'm even asking, I know why. He didn't like him, he didn't care.

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

She turns and says hello with a plastic smile, then realizes who she is greeting, and it slips almost immediately.

"Why didn't you save him?" I could say he did not want to save himself, or that he knew it was a suicide mission. But there is a simpler answer, and an honest one.

"It was all my strength to keep Lucien from unraveling completely. We were very well melded into one being. By the time I was freed, I was barely a wisp of heat on the air, so weakened was I. I couldn't have saved him. I doubt I could have saved Lucien if Lúgh did not manage to get his soul back into his body."

I smile now, softly and sadly. "I am sorry, it is not what you wanted to hear. I am sorry for your loss, Kaeli."

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"It was all my strength to keep Lucien from unraveling completely. We were very well melded into one being. By the time I was freed, I was barely a wisp of heat on the air, so weakened was I. I couldn't have saved him. I doubt I could have saved Lucien if Lúgh did not manage to get his soul back into his body."

"Well, you don't seem like a wisp of air now," I say dryly feeling the knot tighten more. Someone else that I love died to save another for loves sake. And back home they used to wonder why I said no when boys would ask me out on a date. "Could I have saved him?""I am sorry, it is not what you wanted to hear. I am sorry for your loss, Kaeli."

"Are you really? You seemed pretty happy a minute ago." I say, wondering if he's now telling me what he thinks I want to hear. "Bring him back. That's what I want to hear, that you can bring him back."

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

Oh she is upset. "I am better since being released, but not nearly what I once was." I say calmly, but slightly befuddled. Surely she can feel the difference in me?

"Could I have saved him?" I tilt my head and consider the young keeper before me. "Perhaps, but only if he wanted to be saved." I don't believe he ever intended on living through it. I had heard his Goddess perished the same day, I don't honestly think he was planning on walking out of that basement.

Kaeli is still irate with me, mistaking my condolences for her as lip service. "I am sorry Kaeli. I was rather hoping everyone would survive." I reply, wondering what I could do or say to ease her pain, but she speaks again, an impassioned plea. "Bring him back. That's what I want to hear, that you can bring him back."

All I can do is sigh sadly and cross to stand in front of her, hands in my pockets. "Kaeli, when I was made, a geas was put on me to speak the truth, I speak the truth to you now; I cannot bring him back." I think of the zombie that she and the Aztec raised. "If I could, it would only be a shell, not your Lúgh. It would not be the best of him that you loved. He cannot come back, not now."

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"I am better since being released, but not nearly what I once was." I think a good many of us could say the same thing. I remember worrying for them all, not knowing Kate and Laurence would be involved too. I should have somehow made it so Lucien never left my sight, then I would have known, would have been there.

"Perhaps, but only if he wanted to be saved." I nod once and hug myself tighter. "I knew what he was going to do, he wouldn't let me come help, he refused," I murmur. I assumed it was because he was trying to protect me from harm, because of all the mistakes I had made. Not because he just didn't want my help. Samhain had passed, maybe he just waited to go until he did what he promised he would do. I never believed much in those old stories and rituals but I should have remembered them. "I am sorry Kaeli. I was rather hoping everyone would survive."

I laugh, "Sorry is about all anyone gets for hoping isn't it," I say, only its not a question. The only hope that's come from this past month is if three of them can die or be killed, maybe the rest of them can too. Staring at the ground, I hear the shuffling of feet in the dirt then a pair of boots stop in front of me. I look up and see him standing there, hands stuffed in his pockets, the lines in his face deep with sadness. He explains that he can't bring Lúgh back, and I'm not surprised. If he couldn't be saved unless he wanted to be, I imagine bringing him back would work the same way. I remember when I brought that person back and Lúgh, in the shadowlands, knew of it and was forced to come back. If he's dwelling in there now, I wonder if he'd come back if I did it again. He wouldn't be happy but he'd get over it. But since I can't even feel Marbas now, I doubt I could do it even if I would. Which, remembering the pain that poor creature was in, I wouldn't do that again. It was horrible.

"Don't worry, I won't try. I'm not using this power anymore," I say. That's assuming I still have it. I can't feel him anymore so maybe it went with my laughing god. "I thought you were gone too," I say studying him more. He looks older somehow, more worn.

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

I can see that Kaeli is remembering the poor wretch she helped raise even as I am, and I can see common sense is prevailing in her mind.
I think she's tempted for a moment, but the moment passes.

"Don't worry, I won't try. I'm not using this power anymore," I cock my head ans study her as she finally takes a good look at me.
"I thought you were gone too,"

"I was. Left town immediately." I say, moving to the swing next to her and sitting down. "I came back about a week later." I think of Lilith and Celeste back in the grove, and I do not regret my punishment in the slightest. It is worth it. "My Lord found me... and I do not think I will be going anywhere in the near future." I say a bit wryly, swinging back and forth idly.

"And not using your gift? That's just wasteful. It will be more valuable now that Lucien cannot heal with a touch." I say, reprimanding her gently.

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"I was. Left town immediately. I came back about a week later." So my powers didn't go with Lúgh... And I was right, Marbas did leave.

He mentions 'His Lord' and for a minute I'm not sure who he means. Then I remember him calling the creature in the tower by that name. "Why not? Will it not let you go?" I ask, curious. When Marbas spoke of that creature before, I could feel how much he loved it.

"And not using your gift? That's just wasteful. It will be more valuable now that Lucien cannot heal with a touch." I wince, thinking how horrible that must be for Lucien to have that taken away. His may have been a curse but he put it to better use than I've done with mine. At first I wanted to be angry with him, and I tried. It was because of what he did to get that power that Lúgh had to undo. It was because of that that he died. But then I kept remembering how Lucien laughed at my huge screw up and how he made me feel better when he didn't think badly of my and with what he said. He suffered enough for the choice he made and who am I to judge. I shake my head, "No, its not. Few know I can do it and because I've messed it up so much, either they don't like me or wouldn't trust me enough to ask for my help. That's why I stopped using it, I could do nothing to help and yet feel their pain like needles piercing through my heart. I shouldn't have it. It really is a waste on me," I sigh, "Besides, I may have lost it, I can't feel you like I used to," I say pointedly. "I didn't even know you were near until you spoke, and whether I wanted to or not, I was always aware of you before."

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

Kaeli looks confused when I speak of being stuck here. "Why not? Will it not let you go?" I cannot help myself, I start to chuckle at that. "I think my Lord would have been most pleased had I perished in the attempt to separate Lucien and I. I am being punished, you see. I ... got out of jail early, as it were. So here I must remain until..." Until I kill Lucien Constantine. "... until I redeem myself in his eyes."

Still, I do not think he wants me ended either. I believe, if I were restored to what I was when I turned my back on Paradise, then the Mornigstar might be pleased.

We swing in silence for a few minutes as Kaeli thinks about using her talents. She still rejects it, feeling her gift is a burden and curse, capable of only causing pain. I shake my head... youth. "Kaeli Whyte. I know that is untrue. I know you have helped others."

"Besides, I may have lost it, I can't feel you like I used to, I didn't even know you were near until you spoke, and whether I wanted to or not, I was always aware of you before."

"You did not lose your gift, Kaeli." I sigh, taking a small pocket knife from my jacket and rolling up my sleeve. "I lost mine. My punishment is to be locked within my human shell." With a quick flick of my wrist and a hiss pushed through my teeth, I slice my forearm open. Blood instantly starts flowing rapidly. "Now, you have a choice. You can either fix this, which I would appreciate, or I will have to go to Lucien for stitches. Which I doubt he would appreciate." I hold out my arm and wait. Any part that was me that would have hurt her is locked deep within me and will not affect her in any way.

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

He's only human until he's redeemed himself... Like Cain then, only Cain doesn't know if he ever will be redeemed.Its like dangling a carrot in front of a mule. Given what he told me of himself, I don't think him restored to his full self is such a good idea.

My body stiffens a little as he talks to me like one might a small child and I lift my chin, thinking of a sharp reply, but then he continues responding to what I said. "You did not lose your gift, Kaeli." My hands tingle and I grip the ropes tighter as he pulls out a knife and rolls up his sleeve. He has a knife and we're alone. Only its not in the dark of night and we're not in an alleyway out of sight. He once said he wouldn't do me harm, promised. But does that really mean anything to him now? His wrist moves quick and I jump off the swing. But there's not sharp stab of pain only a hiss of air passing between his lips coupled with a dull ache in my wrist. "What did you do?" I breath, whirling around to look at him again. Blood is streaing from his arm.

"Now, you have a choice. You can either fix this, which I would appreciate, or I will have to go to Lucien for stitches. Which I doubt he would appreciate."

The coil of anger in my stomach tightens and then snaps and I'm tempted to tell him If he's human now, he better get to Lucien quick before he bleeds out. But before I can say the words,the tingle in my hands intensifies to a warm steady glow that reaches out to the wound in his arm. My head feels light as the ache in my wrist fades and then is gone. For a minute, my legs feel weak and I think I might faint, but the anger is still there, sharpening my senses as I step closer and look at him. "So despite what I said about what I want, your solution is to force it?" I hiss. Then my hand balls into a fist and I swing, pain shoots down my arm as my knuckles pop, connecting with his brow bone and eye.

I sure he meant well but,I'm sick of people that I love lying to me and dying or just thinking I can be used like a tool whenever they see fit.

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

Kaeli jumps out of the swing as I cut my arm open. Given my history... my very long history, I suppose I don't blame her.

The blood drips from my arm onto the grass as she debates on helping me, or telling me to go fuck myself. I think she tries to fight it, but in the end, I feel the warmth of the Light on my arm, and the gash begins to close.

It doesn't get the chance to close entirely though, because before I can comment on how natural it is for her to do this, she's hissing at me...

and I'm on my ass, knocked off the swing by a fist to the eye. With a groan I sit up and gingerly touch the swelling area. "Suppose I deserved that." Look at my arm. Not bleeding, about halfway closed, looking raw and angry. Rather like Kaeli is looking. I think I rather like her pissed off, it suits her.

"Kaeli, you don't want to use what you've been given, it's your choice." I say, trying to focus on her through one eye. "You may want to let Lucien know, so he doesn't refer anyone to you." Hold up my hands at the look on her face. "I didn't say that to make you feel guilty, tell him you lost it when Lúgh died it if makes it easier. He'll want to know, though."

Damn, this eye stings. "Did Wanda teach you how to throw a punch, or is it a talent inherent to redheads?" I grumble, thinking my next stop will be at the cafe for a glass of ice to hold against it.

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

Blinking, I stare at him, mouth agape when he groans and sits up. If he lied and had his powers still, that could have gone very badly for me. I shouldn't have resorted to violence like that, but he just made me so...mad. Maybe that's why its been awhile since I've seen Cain, I wouldn't talk about any of it. I was too hurt and too angry. I miss him, but in some ways I think its been better this way. Much as I don't like to think of it, he lost someone he loved too.

"Suppose I deserved that."

"Aye, ya sure did," I say, feeling a little bad but almost wanting to laugh. "Call me silly, but I'm still a touch jumpy around knives." More than just a touch, my hands are shaking still."Kaeli, you don't want to use what you've been given, it's your choice. You may want to let Lucien know, so he doesn't refer anyone to you." I scowl. I wasn't sure if it was gone, but I was too afraid to check. What if I tried and all I got was feeling someone else pass in fire and pain or messed up again? But I know its still there now and I'd not turn someone away. Not when there's something I can do. It hadn't occurred to me that Lucien would send anyone to me, he never has. But then he never need to, I guess. That thought again just makes me feel sad.

I shake my head at what he says, "No, I'll help him. If we're going to lie, maybe I'll stand back and heal and people can still think he's doing it instead," I shrug, giving him a half smile. Lucien is still a doctor and a wonderful one at that, he'd know best what needed to be done. I might mess up less that way.

"Did Wanda teach you how to throw a punch, or is it a talent inherent to redheads?"

Shaking my head, I laugh remembering how vicious Wanda was when Zann was attacked. "I think it might be the hair, or maybe it might be the company instead," I grin, bending down and offering my hand to help him up. I notice my hand has fixed itself but his eye is red and beginning to swell. I half want to apologize for the eye, but he did deserve it. To be honest, I feel a little better now too. "So now that you're stuck as one of us, what'll you do?"

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

"Call me silly, but I'm still a touch jumpy around knives." "I think I would be more concerned if you weren't." I quip as she tries to overcome the shakes in her hands. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

She turns over what I said about her gifts and Lucien in her mind, thinking about what to do. "No, I'll help him. If we're going to lie, maybe I'll stand back and heal and people can still think he's doing it instead," "I don't think he'll want you to lie. I hope he remembers that he's damn good at what he can do, and helps everyone he can. Maybe.. perhaps..." I muse, thinking. "... we could explore using your gift to sustain life while he works? Rather like a life support system, in case there is a surgery he could perform?" Worth a shot. Lucien is brilliant and skilled enough to actually perform open heart surgery and repair damaged organs... but without anesthesia or respirators or anything like that, it's a moot point. "Just a thought."

Kaeli finally seems to relax and even laughs as she offers her hand to me. "I think it might be the hair, or maybe it might be the company instead," Now I shake my head, chuckling, and get back to my feet. "Perhaps, I am a bit difficult to get along with." I joke, reclaiming my swing.

"So now that you're stuck as one of us, what'll you do?" "That's an excellent question." I sigh, looking up at her. "So far, I have established myself as Arik Underwood, bother to the late Stephen Underwood. Arrived in town too late to say goodbye. Other than that..."
Shrug my shoulders. "Got any ideas?"

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"I think I would be more concerned if you weren't." he says and I give him a look.It doesn't seem to be in his nature to show concern. Maybe it was once but now? Though, he has shown actual concern in the past and even been honest about what he is. Marbas goes on to say he doesn't think Lucien would want me to lie, and the suggestion he follows with is interesting. I laugh at his joke and follow it with a good natured "Ya think?" and then he continues..

"That's an excellent question. So far, I have established myself as Arik Underwood, bother to the late Stephen Underwood. Arrived in town too late to say goodbye. Other than that..." he shrugs, "Got any ideas?"

"I might," I smile,"How do you feel about kids?" I ask, kicking off my shoes and sitting on the ground. Before that accident with Anushka and I, I never knew how nice it is to feel the ground and grass beneath your bare feet. I'd rarely gone barefoot before then, even indoors. I know its my imagination, but sometimes when I'm sitting like this, I can almost feel her beside me, holding my hand and whispering words in my head, making everything make sense again.

"I might be able to keep them alive, but would they be awake? And what about the pain?" I ask, wriggling my toes in the cold grass, feeling it slip between them. I think I could ease the pain too, but how terrible to be awake during something like that.

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

"Please, I am a big pussy cat... at least the human side of me is." I admit with a grin. I was always more forgiving in my human guise, and sympathetic... just the way my Creator made me, and I've never quite been able to shed it completely. As evident when Kaeli asks me; "How do you feel about kids?" My answer comes instantly.
"Actually, yes I do. Have a soft spot for the little ones, always have." I think of Celeste and her apple cheeked smile and it only fuels mine. "Why do you ask?"

We circle back to what she may be able to do to help Lucien. "I might be able to keep them alive, but would they be awake? And what about the pain?" Wave my hand as if the question is trivial, which it is not, truly. "What I will have to do is explain to you anesthesia and how it affected the body. Once you grasp the concept and effects, you can use the Light to re-create it. It basically relaxes the patient enough and 'puts them under', as it were. We can work on it, try it on a few small animals, if you like. Not operate... just sedation." I assure her hastily.

"Of course, that is if Lucien want's to go that route." For all I know, he may leave the medical field all together, which would be a shame.

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"Please, I am a big pussy cat... at least the human side of me is."

I laugh and lean forward, whispering, "I won't tell, I promise." Then he mentions liking kids and for the first time in awhile I open up my senses and check. All I can feel from him is love, matching the smile that crinkles up the corners of his eyes. Good. He's not lying then. My own safety is one thing, but not my little ones. I won't let them be hurt. "Good, the school is filling up quick. Have you ever considered a job in education Mr.Underwood?" I ask, giving him a wide smile. "I could mention it to the council if you like. But we'll have to have a long talk about your methods of teaching, I think." Him and Lucien saved my life, now its my turn to repay the debt.

I listen to him talk of anesthesia, and I know the word but I don't think the actual practice of it has been available since the wars. I wince slightly when he mentions testing it on animals first. Not that testing it on people would be any better, but I'd rather nothing and no one be harmed if it can be avoided. "Maybe little steps at first," I smile. If it works, it could be a big help. I hope Lucien just hasn't decided to give up. After what he did for me, I can't sit back and let him do that. He loved it too much. Maybe there's some way to give some of what I have to him. I smile up at Marbas, "I'd like to try." If I can do that, than maybe I really can keep my promise and help Karina too.

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

"I won't tell, I promise."
I look at her in amazement. "I.... I would appreciate that." I say sincerely. I have not made many friends here, and although I may be human, I am sure more than a few people would like to take a shot at the 'demon Marbas'.

"Good, the school is filling up quick. Have you ever considered a job in education Mr.Underwood? I could mention it to the council if you like. But we'll have to have a long talk about your methods of teaching, I think." I don't think she could shock me more if she started doing a hula right now. "Well... I do know quite a bit of history and literature..." I say slowly, starting to smile. "Not to mention anatomy and science." I can only imagine Lilith's face when she hears about this. But if I am to be bound in this form for a time...
"Perhaps we could discuss it over lunch one day? I think that just might suit."

Kaeli seems unsure about the idea of surgery and sedating a patient. "Baby steps. We'll just if you can, say... relax a dog or cat to the point of sleep first. But nothing needs to be decided or even explored today." I say with a wave of my hand.

I look at her, and grin. "Feeling any better?" I know she is, but it might be good for her to admit it out loud. "You certainly seem in better spirits than when I found you."

[kaeli-whyte.livejournal.com]

"I.... I would appreciate that." he says seeming a little shocked. I may not know much about his god but I know what he is or what he was. If people can make mistakes and do bad things and be forgiven, why can't he? He's not done anything but try to help me so I can do this in return.

"Well... I do know quite a bit of history and literature..." I say slowly, starting to smile. "Not to mention anatomy and science. Perhaps we could discuss it over lunch one day? I think that just might suit."

"Oh just a little bit of history I would think, I snicker and nod, "Lunch would suit just fine, I'll talk to the council as soon as I can." I wonder if he knows how to cook or knit? Winters coming soon and I've noticed some of the kids showing up without warm clothes. I've been wanting to do something about that.

"Feeling any better? You certainly seem in better spirits than when I found you." he asks, and I look up to see him grinning at me. See, I don't think he's as bad as he said or why would he even care. Eris never did. "Mhm," I nod, smiling back. "I'm glad to have some help and a plan. Hey, how about that lunch now, Mr. Underwood?" I ask. Its no Miskatonic, but I have plenty of stuff that would suffice inside.

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

"Oh just a little bit of history I would think." I laugh back and hold my thumb and forefinger apart an inch or so. "A smattering, just a few notes picked up here and there." I joke back, finding it easy to smile as she mentions talking to the council.
A Prince of Hell teaching schoolchildren... Lilith might die laughing.

"I'm glad to have some help and a plan. Hey, how about that lunch now, Mr. Underwood?" Kaeli asks after admitting her mood has lightened. Well, there is no time like the present, and Lilith told me to return no sooner than nightfall. "Lunch would be lovely, Miss Whyte." I smile and rise, offering her my arm.
"Perhaps I can rattle off some of my knowledge of history over lunch, just so you know I'm qualified?" I offer, and we both laugh as we head back inside the school-house.