feather and flame

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Wednesday, October 28
The Carnival, Genny's Trailer
Evening

It's cold. Wind gets in 'round the cracks of my trailer and even with extra blankets my hands're numb when I wake up in the mornin'. Gotta keep 'em 'round my coffee cup for ages to warm 'em up. Some folks've set up little heaters - kerosene burners'n stuff like that. Surprised Management lets anyone do stuff like that, all the wood around here. I ain't gonna have flames in here, not with all my oil paints.

So I stay cold, and wonder if maybe I'll ask the twins if there's enough room for me in that nice lady's house in town with them. Don't want to leave the carnival yet, though. Even if it ain't really leavin' like Daiyu did, I ain't never lived nowhere else. Don't want to be a townie. Don't want to leave Momma.

don't want to leave Zann.

So I stay cold and I paint. It's warm in the jungle where I went last night,

warm soft dark baby jaguar runs happy in her fur under stars, sees feathers and bright eyes like knives in the dark

Gonna try goin' there again.

Make the cut. Let the world go away. Brush flies in my hand,

black on black where the pyramid stands in the night cutting away the stars, darker black still of jaguars in the night with tiny flames of eyes

Why'd I wait so long?

why did I stay away from you Tezcatlipoca? I feel you I hear you...

...please come

[Open to Tez]

Comments

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

...please come.

I'm dozing when the thought reaches me - not really asleep, just lying looking idly through the ceiling to the stars. I focus my eyes back on the here and now, halfway to my feet before I've even really registered what I'm doing.

I tried to find her, of course, after that conversation with Zann - drove to the lot before Zann made her way back. But it's been a couple of days since then, and I've been thinking about what Zann said, and I'm...not worried, exactly. Concerned.

By the time I make it to the lot, night's falling, and the temperature with it. Long before I knock on Genny's door I can feel her, the thrum of power still rising, see the dark and smell the rank of cat. And I can feel her blood, too.

You're killing her, and I lift my hand and knock.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

There's a thread of paint and dark and power that runs from me into the night. It winds closer and tighter as I paint.

warm summer night, Tezcatlipoca, please come...

My hand goes faster, and I smile. It's been a long time since I felt this, saw this...

big jaguar walks beside little jaguar on the canvas under a hot night sky

He's coming. Coming.

baby jaguar leaps! on the canvas

"Come in," I say, before the knock.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I feel her feel me, hear her speak even before I knock. She feels the same as ever, so when I open the door I'm shocked by how pale and pinched she looks, how the wagon's not much warmer than the evening air.

But she's smiling past it, eyes greyed out, and I smile back to see what she's painting. I come up behind her, put a hand gently on her shoulder. She's not warm enough. (Relief, that touching her stirs nothing wrong in me.)

"Hey, kiddo."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

He goes 'round behind me. I know where he is even though the rest of the world's gray and in front of me is black black dark. I can feel him. Tezcatlipoca.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Glad you're here," I whisper. Smile comes up even though my brush's still flyin'

dark black straight edges of pyramid, tiny stars sparkle in the sky above

bet I could let my hand go and the brush would run on its own, oh, this is sweet, the things I can see! Why ain't I done this before? Why'd I think I was too tired or too sad? It's beautiful!

"You like it?" I whisper, watchin' the wind from my breath ripple the jaguars' fur as they walk under the pyramid.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Glad you're here. You like it?"

I watch the brush move, taking her hand with it. How does she do it? I can feel her pulling it out of me, the place where she is, laying it out on canvas.

"It's beautiful." Keep my own hand on her shoulder: feel her muscles move, feel what's between us, two notes falling into harmony. She's happy. A tiny touch of white and the stars light up, burning.

I'd come here to talk, but I just stand like that and watch her, that one hand the only contact between our bodies but my mind falling into hers, hers into mine, and we're both there under that wide sky. Turn my head down and lick the kitten's ears, rough swipe of my tongue. The ground's shaking under our feet. Not only mine - It's not just me any more. Do you feel it, Genny?

I'm waiting for the brush, out there and far away, to come to rest. I want to talk to her, but for now there's this.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Hand on my shoulder

paws on the ground in the warm night, stone shakes but jaguar tongue is rough and warm and safe

Do you feel it, Genny?

"Yes," I whisper.

baby jaguar purrs yes

The brush falls. It's decided that it's done.

I stumble back, world comin' back to me in chilly bits. Cold wind. Drip of blood on my arm, little bitin' line where the knife ran. Gray everywhere - can't see what's around me.

But oh, look what I made.

There's somethin' else,too - a big hand on my shoulder stayin' steady in the same place where it was before, holdin' me up and keepin' me tied to where the pyramid is.

"Done," I whisper,and step back, leanin' against Tez.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Done." Her voice's a wisp, and when she leans back against me she's cold all through. It pulls me out of the picture she's made, the place where we both were, and I get my arm round her properly, hold her in against my chest.

You're fucking killing her and she's happy about it 'cause she sees such pretty colours.

"It's beautiful." Because it really fucking is, and I keep having to tear my eyes away from it. Should get her hot coffee or something. Look around, but I can't see even so much as a camp stove. Find myself stretching out a hand, not-quite-touching the picture. Wet paint fumes and the smell of jungle night.

Pull myself back again. Get my other arm round her, chafe at her cold arms to bring the blood back. "But you're cold as the grave, kid," I say, and then wince inside at the phrase.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Thanks," I say, feelin' somethin' warm climb up in me.

The world's comin' back - always slower each time, always a little more gray with each picture I do. Little bits of sunset light creep back in 'round the edges, but none of it changes Tez behind me. He's there. Always there. Steady, strong, powerful, more power just under the surface.

Tez moves behind me - can't see what he's doin', but I feel a shiver run up like a cold wave risin' out of the ocean. He's gettin' near the painting. Power close to power. Oh, I feel it. I smile, and blink some more gray away.

"But you're cold as the grave, kid," he says, huggin' me tight.

I blow on my fingers, smellin' the good sharp paint smell when I lift 'em up. "Can't have a heater or nothin'. Oil paints burn. I'm okay for now, but I hope it don't get colder'n this."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"Can't have a heater or nothin'. Oil paints burn. I'm okay for now, but I hope it don't get colder'n this."

Steer her down to sit on the bed, pull a blanket up around her. Keep her in the curve of my arm, pulled in against my side to keep her warm. "Hell, honey, it's only October. Going to get a fair bit colder yet. Got to fix something up for you. Verdi'd take you in, I'm sure, or someone on the lot - fuck, if it comes to that, I've got a fireplace - "

Pull myself up right there. No, that's fucking well not a good idea, is it? Change the subject fast, clumsily.

"...saw Zann. Fuck, Gen, I'm sorry, I didn't know. You ok now?" Suspect not. Should've been here sooner - fucking Lilith, and I'm fine now, aren't I? Her up against my side, and me feeling nothing but concern, whatever the dream, whatever Iblis said?

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Tez guides me back - I know where he is almost like I can see him, even though he's behind me and the world's still gray. Almost trip over the edge of the bed though. I ain't missed that for months - why'd I forget where my bed is now? It's like Tez is so much more real than all the other stuff around me that the rest of the world stays dim. Can't even think of nothin' else.

I snuggle up to his side, feelin' his arm warm 'round me and the blanket goin' over me.

"Hell, honey, it's only October. Going to get a fair bit colder yet. Got to fix something up for you. Verdi'd take you in, I'm sure, or someone on the lot - fuck, if it comes to that, I've got a fireplace - "

"Might move back in with Momma if it gets worse, and leave all my paints here, but I'd rather not have to. I know the twins've got a nice place all set up 'cause they feel the cold somethin' fierce. Don't want to move into town if I don't gotta do it - no offense! But I ain't never lived nowhere 'cept the Carnival." I shrug, my shoulder movin' under his and with his, and I blink away a few more gray spots.

"...saw Zann."

"You saw her?" I say, lookin' up at him in a rush even though my eyes are still half gray. "How is she? is she okay?" God, I want to hear about her! How is she? Are Anti and Kythera gettin' bigger? Did she ever fix that gear that was goin' funny on the Carousel? How's Essa? Did she...

"Fuck, Gen, I'm sorry, I didn't know. You ok now?"

...that ain't my place to ask no more. Ain't gonna be.

"Yeah." My voice is real little now, and I tuck up closer to Tez. "Few weeks ago. I - I'm okay?" I gulp. And then again. I can already feel the tears pricklin' up.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"No offense! But I ain't never lived nowhere 'cept the Carnival."

"None taken. Not like I'd've moved on, if they hadn't..." Shrug a bit, best as I can with her under my arm.

When I tell her about seeing Zann there's this surge of excitement right through her, and then - oh, fuck you, Zann, you little bitch. How could you do this to her? Her voice is so small, and she's curling into my side like she really is a kid. Turn a bit to get both my arms round her again and pull her in to hug her properly.

I can feel the dampness of tears on my neck, and bury the dream-familiarity fast. "Few weeks ago. I - I'm okay."</I. "You sound it," I say, dry but gentle. Give her a moment, and then: "Genny...Zann said - well. Was it because of me?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

He wraps me up tight, and I put my head on his shoulder. Warm. Strong. Safe.

baby jaguar curls up tight, big paws sheltering

"Genny...Zann said - well. Was it because of me?"

"No! It ain't like that. Not really! I mean...she thought you was makin' me do stuff I didn't want to, paintin' so much, and I tried to tell her it ain't like that! But still, she was...she got scared," I say real small. "Scared 'cause of all the stuff I was painting. Scared that I was doin' all them big powerful things. Scared that...someday I'd go off to paint and I wouldn't come back. I messed up, Tez, I messed up real bad somewhere but I don't know how. I wish I could make her understand, but she don't!" Oh heck, I'm cryin' now. Just little tears slidin' out, though, not big cryin'. I cried 'bout this for weeks - don't think I got nothin' left but little tears. "I can't stop. I can't give it up. Not when I'm makin' all them beautiful things..."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Listen to it all pouring out of her. Zann, you little coward. Dressing it up as something noble, and all the time you were just running away....

"I messed up, Tez, I messed up real bad somewhere but I don't know how. I wish I could make her understand, but she don't!"

"Oh, fuck, kid, no - you didn't mess up, not you..." Somehow it's worse to see her cry like this, with no heaving sobs, just quiet misery. "No, no...." Of course she's blaming herself. She's blaming herself, and Zann's blaming me and Syl, and it's Zann who left, Zann who walked away -

"I can't stop," - and those words make my breath stop a moment, because fuck, I know about not being able to stop and that's not good, but then she finishes, "Not when I'm making all those beautiful things," and it's all right. Just Genny-the-artist, and why can't Zann see the beauty in what she does?

"You don't have to stop. No one's going to make you stop. It's all right, Genny-o, it's all right." Wish I knew what to say, how to look after her. "I promise."

But there's Zann in the back of my head saying she wants to paint, and you're making her die. You think she wants to be cold all the time? You think she wants to be running out of places to cut her arms open? You think she wants to forget to eat or sleep?

"You've just got to look after yourself, Gen - got to not, not overdo it. You see? Keep yourself warm, get enough food. Promise?" Her arms seem ok, at least - I could feel it if they were laddered with cuts, but there's just that little bit of blood, small scabs.

"Zann said we were killing you, me and Syl - and fuck, Gen, you know how much Syl cares about you girls, right? You know she wouldn't ever hurt you?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

He's tellin' me it's okay, gettin' his arms 'round me and holdin' me close. He promises. He's gonna make it better. "I'll keep painting for you," I whisper. "You'll see. Oh, you'll see all the things I'm gonna make for you...."

"You've just got to look after yourself, Gen - got to not, not overdo it. You see? Keep yourself warm, get enough food. Promise?"
"Tryin'. I'm tryin', Tez, honest. But you know how it is - if I've got a picture that's almost right I gotta keep goin' till it's done! I know I gotta eat and I been tryin' to stay warm and get enough sleep and all that." I wrap my arm 'round him, snugglin' close. "I'm tryin'."

"Zann said we were killing you, me and Syl - and fuck, Gen, you know how much Syl cares about you girls, right? You know she wouldn't ever hurt you?"

"What?" Killing? It goes through me like icicles, and I sit up and stare. "No! Of course she wouldn't hurt us! She wouldn't hurt none of us! Zann...she didn't like that you were gonna kick Lily out. I tried to tell her that Lily was no good but she don't listen. That's just Zann likin' everyone." I gotta smile when I think 'bout it, even if it hurts. "You know her. She'd be friends with the table if she could. Bet the table'd be friends with her too..."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"I'll keep painting for you. You'll see. Oh, you'll see all the things I'm gonna make for you...."

That's my girl. Bend my head and kiss the top of hers, just gently. Her hair smells of oil paint and close spaces, now, rather than summer.

Tells me she's trying to take care of herself, and I believe she's trying. But damnit, going to keep a better eye on her. I know what Syl's like when she gets caught up in her witching, and seen other artists before, if none with Genny's talent.

"No! Of course she wouldn't hurt us! She wouldn't hurt none of us! Zann...she didn't like that you were gonna kick Lily out. I tried to tell her that Lily was no good, but she don't listen. That's just Zann likin' everyone."

Can't see her face, but I think she's smiling, voice going all soft. I rest my cheek against the top of her head and sigh. "It's more than that, Genny. The way she talked about Syl...she really believed what she was saying. Really thinks we're going to kill you, really thinks that I'm - " twist of my mouth, "- a psycho monster." All so you can see pretty colors, I want to add, but I stop myself. No need for Genny to know Zann thinks of her art like that.

"Want you to know, Genny - want you to know, if ever you want to stop, if ever it's too much - it's okay. Don't want you ever doing something you don't want to, not for me."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"It's more than that, Genny. The way she talked about Syl...she really believed what she was saying. Really thinks we're going to kill you, really thinks that I'm - " twist of my mouth, "- a psycho monster."

"She thinks what?" It just don't make sense! "Syl'd never hurt us! She's taken care of us since we was kids! And you'd never hurt me! You ain't a monster!"

baby jaguar hisses! claws come out! no, don't hurt him!

"You're...a god." My voice drops away at the end - can't say somethin' like that too loud. Gotta say it quiet. Reverent, that's the word that Hope uses for that kinda feelin'.

"Want you to know, Genny - want you to know, if ever you want to stop, if ever it's too much - it's okay. Don't want you ever doing something you don't want to, not for me."

"I want to do this. Honest! 'Course I want to. You're lettin' me paint better things than I ever done before."

Bright shiny stars, pyramids in the dark. Feathers sharp as knives, flames in the eye of a bird. Shivers of power, his blood in mine, his blood in the paint...

"I want to keep doin' this." I whisper, and squeeze him a little tighter. "Oh, I want to." I close my eyes, blink away the last bits of gray. World's darker now, dull without those sparkles of stars, but I can still feel Tez next to me. All that power...

"I'll be careful. I promised Momma'n the twins'n Syl. I ain't gonna hurt myself. And I know you wouldn't hurt me, never."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

It almost worries me as it warms me, how much she trusts me. I'm thinking of Iblis and how he warned me: Genny is your priestess, Tezcatlipoca. If you treat her as a child, you will get her killed. Or your darkness will frighten her to death. Better she understands something of what you really are."

"Oh, but I can be monstrous, Genny." I'm thinking of my dream, and I pull away a little and turn her towards me, tilt up her face with a finger. "Never think that I'm not. A - god, yes, for what that means, and something like a man, but also - yes. A monster." If you knew, Genny, if you knew...that hidden and human weakness that LIlith showed me, and the greater horrors, too. "Have you really seen nothing of that, in painting me?" She was there with me in that vision, knife coming down and bright blood bursting, and that only the beginning....

"And I've hurt you." Her hair always seems to get in her face, and somehow my fingers always find it without thought, tuck it back behind her ear, loose golden curl and soft skin. "I knew about Danika, didn't I?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Oh, but I can be monstrous, Genny. Never think that I'm not. A - god, yes, for what that means, and something like a man, but also - yes. A monster. Have you really seen nothing of that, in painting me?"

"I saw...that you're strong. Stronger'n a regular person. You can hurt people if they hurt you first. But you wouldn't hurt me."

"And I've hurt you. I knew about Danika, didn't I?"

Laughin' like a crazy person while me'n Danika go 'round on the carousel. Zann tellin' me afterward what she was...still feel kinda sick when I think 'bout it. Even wronger now 'cause she was that fella goin' with Tez.

"Yeah," I gotta say, and my voice is real small. "That hurt pretty bad. Don't think you meant to hurt me, though."

Little threads of power in his fingers when they reach up to touch my chin, brush my hair back. I can almost see 'em, like the trail left behind after seein' a bright light in the dark.

"Why'd you want to say all this?" I ask, shakin' my head. Lookin' into his eyes, deep dark black. I can see the fire in 'em, deep down. Can almost get lost...

"Don't talk about yourself like you're bad."

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"I saw...that you're strong. Stronger'n a regular person. You can hurt people if they hurt you first. But you wouldn't hurt me."

She thinks so well of me. "I wouldn't. Wouldn't hurt you, Genny. Not on purpose. Do anything not to. But - it's not just that I'm strong, Gen." I want her to understand, want it so badly, and I don't want to scare her. "And not just if people hurt me first. I'm not - not good. Not as a man, not as - more than a man."

I hate how her voice sounds when she talks about Danika. Twists my gut up with shame at what I did. "Didn't mean to hurt you, no, but what's that matter? I wasn't even thinking about what it would do to you, just about keeping Danika's secret. And fuck," I can't look at her now, "it's not like I'm any better. Did the same thing she did, really, and to someone I care about. And with less cause. Just to - to amuse myself." Not like I tried to get Lucien to care about me, that night, but what's the difference in the end?

And then she's looking at me, looking into me, and I almost want to flinch away, don't want her to see what I am. "Why'd you want to say all this? Don't talk about yourself like you're bad."

"Oh, god." Not sure if that's inappropriate or too appropriate. My hand's found hers and is holding it, fingers locked together. "God, Gen. You can't think I'm good."

Memory of Danika struggling under me, memories of blood, Syl's face when I hurled those words. Knowledge of what it is I love. And Genny believes in me so much. Brings up all the long years I buried what I was, all the shame and fear, when I knew that I was something terrible and ran from it. Iblis makes me want to be more than I've been, but fuck, Genny and Syl...they make me want to be better than I am. And I don't know, yet, how to reconcile it.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

Tez keeps talkin'. And talkin'. And all I can do is stare 'cause it don't make no sense.

"Wait, what? You did the same thing as Danika did? What'd you do? To who?"

ground shakes under baby jaguar, feeling earthquakes for the first time

"What do you mean? You are good! You ain't bad! You - yeah, you screwed up a buncha stuff." I gotta say that. Can't not. Not with all the drinkin' and that time he made Syl cry and...all that. "But that don't make you bad. But what'd you do that Danika did?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

She's all but gaping at me, and it makes my heart twist. Oh, Genny. Are you starting to realise, now?

"Wait, what? You did the same thing as Danika did? What'd you do? To who? What do you mean? You are good! You ain't bad! You - yeah, you screwed up a buncha stuff. But that don't make you bad. But what'd you do that Danika did?"

Oh, fuck. Can't really look at her, because - well, it's Genny, and talking about this - feels wrong. Unclean. I can feel the color rising a little in my face. "I - ah. Oh, fuck, Genny. I wore a woman's form and picked up Lucian in a bar, and he didn't know it was me. Until later - ah, after." Close my eyes for a moment. "Swear to you, it started out as a joke."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"You did that to the Doc? But - but - why? And you can look like a woman?"

He can look like anyone he wants, I guess. He's a god. Can't help tryin' to see what he'd look like if he was a woman, tryin' to rearrange the lines in his face and make 'em thinner, more delicate...bet I could paint it...wonder what I could make him if I did...

Blink hard. Feels almost like my eyes are gonna go gray. Where'd that come from? I gulp, look back up at Tez. Look at the world outside. Blink again.

And then I think - oh heck, what's he doin' foolin' the Doc like that? He don't go 'round with fellas (don't think he does?) and he don't like that kinda trick...oh heck.

"Was he real mad after?"

He didn't want to hurt the Doc, did he?

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

The look on her face...shit. ""You did that to the Doc? But - but - why?"

Rub at my face with my free hand. "Ah, hell, Genny, it was just a bit of a joke. Laclos didn't want me drinking in the Whitechapel any more, so I went there in that form just to spite him, and Lucien comes wandering in and hits on what he thinks's a pretty girl.... Was planning on pulling the rug out from under him later, having a joke with it. You know the trouble the two of us've got up to in the past. Figured I owed him one. Just - ah - " And now I'm really fucking embarrassed, saying this to Genny, "couldn't hold my drink in that shape. Got carried away."

Memory of it's not something to dwell on now, Lucien's hands, Lucien's mouth.... Shake my head. "You haven't seen any of that when you've - we've - ?" Not sure what the word is, when we share that space inside our heads. "Always had a - a warped sense of humour, Genny. Always played tricks on folk, and not nice ones, either. Part of what I was, what I am - " Fuck, I can't find the words, not when she's looking at me like that. And am I meant to tell her about Quetzalcoatl, too? Fuck.

She heads that off, though, and I'm fucking grateful: "And you can look like a woman?"

Don't say anything, just slide soft and easy into that other form, weird slip and shift of skin and suddenly she's larger against my side and my sense of her's numbed a little, further away. She's looking at me and her eyes are hazy, grey fogging in, and I smooth a finger gently under one eye until it clears. "Well - yes." Voice always sounds so strange in my own ears.

"Was he real mad after?"

That brings a laugh out of me - such a different laugh in this shape, higher but rough, sensual, rich. "Oh, he was - for a few minutes. Broke a bottle over my head. And then he saw the funny side, and we had a deep and meaningful and ended up laughing and falling asleep on the couch." Can reassure her about that much, at least. "Doesn't hold much of a grudge, the Doc."

Not my place to tell her about the other time, I think, when I had my own shape and he'd been crying...no, Lucien wouldn't thank me for that.

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"You haven't seen any of that when you've - we've - ?" Not sure what the word is, when we share that space inside our heads. "Always had a - a warped sense of humour, Genny. Always played tricks on folk, and not nice ones, either. Part of what I was, what I am - "

"Ain't seen nothin'!"

Didn't think I could - all I feel is the jaguars, all I see is the stuff he shows me and the stuff that comes when I paint. Ain't never looked for nothin' on my own. Kinda don't think I should look. Don't feel right. Like peekin' in through people's windows to see 'em nekkid like Dale used to do. And I don't know if I want to see what other kindsa mean tricks Tez played on folks. Don't like seein' folks hurt and other folks laughin' at 'em.

Don't want to think 'bout Tez doin' stuff like that.

I can feel the shift when it happens, like threads all tangled and then goin' straight again. I blink hard, tryin' to get rid of the gray that's tryin' to come into my eyes. When it's done I can hardly see Tez at all. I can tell he's there somewhere 'cause I can feel his blood in mine, callin' out the way it always does, but it feels like it's under a blanket or somethin'. Where'd you go?

Instead...there's a woman. Same dark eyes, same shiver in me when she gets near, but nothin' even close to what I thought Tez'd look like. Pretty. Young, like this body ain't been used as much so didn't get older.

I look up - no, look across, 'cause she's almost the same size as me. Let my eyes go up and down the lines of her face, tryin' to feel them in my mind, tryin' to fit them in with all of the other pictures of Tezcatlipoca. Jaguar and bird and man and...woman. It's like it wants to keep slippin' away. I gotta bring my hand up to feel it, finger tracin' over the line of his - her cheekbone and jaw.

"Oh, he was - for a few minutes. Broke a bottle over my head. And then he saw the funny side, and we had a deep and meaningful and ended up laughing and falling asleep on the couch." Can reassure her about that much, at least. "Doesn't hold much of a grudge, the Doc."

She keeps talkin', but I'm just tryin' to see.

"Glad the Doc was okay," I say. "Oh, how did you do this?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

Genny's fingers are touching my face, sliding over skin like she's blind. "Glad the Doc was okay. Oh, how did you do this?"

"I just - " Think about it. "You know, I'm not sure. I just - do." Shrug a bit. Can't help noticing out of the bottom of my field of vision how things move when I do that. "I don't know how everything I can do works. I've never needed to. Some of it, yes - you should be in my mind sometime, Genny, when I'm healing myself." Lift my hand and put it over hers, hold it against my face. "Then - oh, Genny, then. I'll show you - the way muscle and bone knits, the snaking of veins...." I can feel her pulse through her fingertips, against my skin.

"He reminded me," I say. "She. Brant, Danika." And I hesitate, because I've hardly ever said his name, not even to him. It's always felt like something - intimate - between us.

But it's Genny. My priestess, looking at me with those wondering eyes. "إبليس" I say, and his name seems to shiver in my mouth. Does he hear me saying it, wherever he is? Feel like I'm sharing something deeply personal with her.

I lift her hand gently down from my face, but don't let it go. "So," I say, and smile, "what do you think?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I just - " Think about it. "You know, I'm not sure. I just - do."

She shrugs and shifts and...oh heck, she's still wearin' Tez's clothes and that's a gal's body. Gulp. That just ain't right. It's Tez. Blood's poundin' and everythin' in me's up at the surface, everythin's...no, it's still Tez.

"I don't know how everything I can do works. I've never needed to. Some of it, yes - you should be in my mind sometime, Genny, when I'm healing myself. Then - oh, Genny, then. I'll show you - the way muscle and bone knits, the snaking of veins...."

"You can heal yourself?" She talks and I can see it. Veins stretchin' out like the red carpet rollin' out in one of the big tents, bones comin' back together. Oh, it's beautiful, everythin' bein' set right.

...like Zann fixin' her machines, only with bodies. Oh heck, can't think 'bout that.

Like the Doc, only bigger.

But then why ain't he fixed his foot? I know it ain't right to stare but I feel my eyes goin' down anyway...oh. This one's got two feet.

His - her hand's over mine, holdin' close to her face. Same blood. Oh yes, it's the same blood in there.

"I want to see it," I whisper. "How to make people better. How you do that..."

"He reminded me," I say. "She. Brant, Danika. إبليس"

She says a name, and it ain't like nothin' I ever heard. A deep shudder runs through me. Flash of a picture in my mind - fire, pain, the water tower, a window openin' to look out on somethin' huge...

Close my eyes. Blink away gray.

"So, what do you think?"

"You're...pretty," I whisper. "But quiet. It don't feel like you do when you're anyone else. What's your name when you're...her?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

She's distinctly pink in the face. Tell myself and squeeze her hand reassuringly. See her look down at my feet and start a little - yes, Genny, that made it easier to fool Lucien, certainly.

When I say his name, I see the gray come spreading fast, shiver through her like she's suddenly cold or aroused. You feel it, do you, Genny? Do you see any of what he is to me? I wonder what she would see, if she painted him....

She blinks, and the gray's gone.

"You're pretty." I feel my lips turn up: foolish as it is, much as I know I am, I'm glad she said it. "But quiet. It don't feel like you do when you're anyone else."

"Well, that was the point of it, partly. It's useful, to have a form in which people can't easily tell who I am. It's a little - subtler - than some of them."

Her hand's warm in mine, soft. I lean in and kiss her on the cheek: just fondly, the way I'd normally kiss her forehead or the top of her head. Her body doesn't stir anything particular in this one of mine, and I'm glad of it.

"What's your name when you're...her?"

"Tezcatlipoca," I say, and even in this form I feel the answering vibration in her. "Though I've called myself Citlali. Star, it meant."

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Well, that was the point of it, partly. It's useful, to have a form in which people can't easily tell who I am. It's a little - subtler - than some of them."

"Guess so," I say, nodding. "Well, guess a lot more folks can tell who you are these days." I smile a little at that, 'cause I helped make that. I helped make all of the feathers and sharp edges...

But this woman ain't sharp. Her hand's all soft, and little. It feels strange...

She leans in, comin' real close...just a kiss on the cheek. Still makes me shiver when she says, "Tezcatlipoca."

Oh, it's still him. Feels just the same when she says his name. I feel the blood pound in me. Tezcatlipoca.

"Though I've called myself Citlali. Star, it meant."

"Citlali," I whisper. "That's pretty." I squeeze her hand back. Little stars sparklin' above the pyramid. I can still see 'em across the room. Star.

"Can you do the same stuff when you're her? I mean, when you're the you that you are now? Or is that all subtle too?"

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

I can feel her shiver when I say my name, echoing me back like ringing glass. This close I can feel the blood beating in her, though it's muted.

Citlali. That's pretty." She's whispering, and her hand tightens aroun dmine. "Can you do the same stuff when you're her? I mean, when you're the you that you are now? Or is that all subtle too?"

I consider that a moment. "I'm...more human, now. Much more human. Most other gods wouldn't know what I was. I'm physically stronger, I suppose, than most women this size would be - I can sense a little of the things I can normally feel - I can feel you - " Not the normal twine of her mind into mine, but a soft diffuse warmth, at a distance.

"Perhaps I could learn to," I say thoughtfully. Iblis is in my memory, saying what I could be, something that puts on flesh but isn't bound by it. I stretch my mind out towards her, but it's like trying to take hold of fog. "Eventually. And you - you can still feel me?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"I'm...more human, now. Much more human. Most other gods wouldn't know what I was. I'm physically stronger, I suppose, than most women this size would be - I can sense a little of the things I can normally feel - I can feel you - "

"You could fool a god when you're like this?" I just stare at her. Oh, that's strong. That's way stronger'n anythin' I thought Tez could do...

"Perhaps I could learn to. Eventually. And you - you can still feel me?"

"Kinda? Not like usual. Feels like you're...far away." Feels like it does when Tez is in town or down by the river - I know he's there, but couldn't tell you where or how far. I try to push, try to reach out to Citlali, try to get the feelin' back that I have when Tez is right next to me I close my eyes, hold on real tight to Citlali's little soft hand. Feel the blood in her. Twine my fingers through hers...

...oof. Let my breath out in a big sigh. Can't tell if I got nowhere or if I just thought I did. But I thought I felt somethin' else in there, when I was tryin'.

[tezcatl-ipoca.livejournal.com]

"You could fool a god when you're like this?"

Genny's all wide-eyed, and I laugh a little. "That's what I made this body for, back when I was...all that I was. Back at the beginning of things...." I look down at myself again. I wonder how long I'd have to spend in this body for it to feel natural, to lose that little shock of confusion.

"Kinda? Not like usual. Feels like you're...far away." Her grip on my hand's hard - strange, to feel her hand larger than mine - and then her fingers are twining with mine, slightly rough and dry from turpentine. And I can feel her reach out to me, brush against me, before she sighs and relaxes her grip a little.

Oh, my Genny, what're you becoming? Such a warm glow of pride in me. The things you're learning to do.... I'm seeing the drive in her, the desire to exceed, and I recognise it. "Yes," I say, quietly, and I lean my head down against her shoulder. So strange a reversal, and oddly comforting, the softness of her against me, brush of her hair in my face. I've never been a woman among women, and this is strange to me. "You're fucking incredible, you know that, kiddo?"

[genny-duvall.livejournal.com]

"Yes."

"It worked? That thing I felt? That was...it worked?"

"You're fucking incredible, you know that, kiddo?"

"Really?"

I did somethin' that a god couldn't do? Me? Feel like I just run all the way 'round the carnival and back again, but...it worked?

I just stare down at Citlali. Soft woman-face on my shoulder, soft woman-voice sayin' stuff that Tez would. Don't feel right hearin' them words outta her. She's smaller'n me when she's like this, and that really don't feel right! Even if she's Citlali, she's still Tezcatlipoca, and she should be bigger! But I still put my arm 'round her, let her cuddle up next to me (and don't look down to see what that new body's doin' when she moves 'cause that's still Tez and that really really ain't right!) and feel her warm and soft. I'm helpin' her. I'm keepin' her safe. And it's gettin' colder again, and I'm glad to have someone warm next to me.

Don't leave me, Tezcatlipoca?

"Thanks," I whisper, huggin' her closer. Put my head down on top of hers, all tired and comfy. "It's only 'cause you made me that way. Only 'cause you showed me what to see."