Where do we go from here? This isn't where, we intended to be....

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

[Dark, Friday October 24th, Day 145]
[The Dormouse]

Was sitting up in the now very quiet apartment, sprawled across the bed and reading, when the power goes out.  I've gotten so used to having electricity, it is an annoyance when it goes down.  I wait about ten minutes, before I give up on it coming back on. 
Throw on some jeans and a sweater and head down Main to the Dormouse.  Wonder if Wanda's home?  Actually, I wonder if she's alone.  A distinct possibly.

See a candle flickering in the bedroom.  Well, there's one question answered.  Knock on the back door and call up to the window, announcing myself.  After a few minutes, Wanda cautiously opens the door, a sword clutched in her hand.  I see at least she is being careful.  She lets me in, and rehangs the sword on the wall.  

We retreat upstairs, whatever fears she has of me, or rather Marbas, replaced by  ones of being alone in the dark.   Wanda and I strip down and slip under the covers, and I pull her close, her back pressed up against my chest.  We just lay there in the dark, a single candle flickering in the room, throwing shadows everywhere.   With Wanda curled warm and soft into my arms, it's hard to remember all the things we should be discussing.  Like the look she gave Glass when she stopped in yesterday morning.   I guess Wanda knew what Glass and Mab had come by to propose, and either was not happy about the decision, or that she could not tell me first.  Oh well, it's done, and truly... I could do worse than to spend the day talking with Glass. 

I could let myself drift into sleep, and let my worries and concerns go, it would be easy.....

"Who is he Wanda?"  I ask her quietly, lips against the back of her neck.

[Open to Wanda]
[Closed]

Comments

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I am glad to see Lucien.

I may have been a bit more dramatic than I needed to be with Glass. I do not really expect mischance and misfortune to come slipping through my door...
except on nights like these, when the whole world goes black.
And true, Lucien's parasite may be one of the things I am afraid of, but right now, lying here with him, the scent of pine and smoke and cedar surrounding me like his arms...
I'll take my chances.

I think I may be close to sleep when Lucien's soft voice fills the room; "Who is he Wanda?"

I tense up for a moment. Do I play dumb and pretend not to know exactly who he's asking about? No... I have not been subtle in my attentions. It was bound to get back to Lucien. No use in playing ignorant.

"He's no one remarkable, just one of my clients." I say evenly, although he is quite remarkable, in my opinion.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

Feel Wanda tense up in my arms. Well, at least I know I am not wrong. Will she deny it...?

"He's no one remarkable, just one of my clients." Well, at least she's owning up to it, but then again, Wanda doesn't lie to me. Neglects certain details like mad, but never lies.

"He must be someone, at least to you, to be seen walking hand in hand with him down Silk Road. To be given the wight to spend the night and be seen leaving with the dawn." It's hard to keep my tone light, merely curious, because I am not happy about this. But if I want information, I need to be merely curious and not angry or hurt.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"He must be someone, at least to you, to be seen walking hand in hand with him down Silk Road. To be given the right to spend the night and be seen leaving with the dawn."

Oh, really. Must we....? Yes. I suppose we must, or more to say, Lucien deserve to know about Kent. After all, Kent knows all about Lucien, and how I do still love him.

"He is...." With a sigh, I pull away and sit up. Lucien remains laying down, looking up at me with sweet blue eyes. That's the difference, I think. Lucien's eyes are sweet, and caring and gentle. Kent's are piercing and harder and more haunted....
"His name is Kent. He started out a client, but has turned into a friend as well. He's been very kind to me."

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

Wanda sighs and pulls away from me, sitting up. She looks into my eyes for a moment, as if she's looking for something. Finally, she speaks.

"His name is Kent. He started out a client, but has turned into a friend as well. He's been very kind to me."

"Ah.... I though you were canceling your clients, but not him, hmm?" Wanda doesn't answer, merely drops her eyes to the covers. "He's been kind? Was he the one who left the crop marks on your body?" I would hardly consider that kind."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"He's been kind? Was he the one who left the crop marks on your body?" I would hardly consider that kind." I wince a bit, but then decide that I am not ashamed of what transpired between Kent and I. "We switched roles that week. I wanted to show him I trusted him as he trust me. You know my complexion, I bruise if I bump into a cushion." I remind him, smiling slightly. Lucien, is not smiling...

"He has been kind Lucien. He's held me while I wept, and kept me company through the night when all I wanted to do was die. I'm sorry if that makes you unhappy, but I don't know how I would have gotten though the last month without him."

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

"We switched roles that week. I wanted to show him I trusted him as he trust me. You know my complexion, I bruise if I bump into a cushion." Oh really? I though she's never sub for me again, not after what Marbas did, but she's down there with someone else---

"...He's held me while I wept, and kept me company through the night when all I wanted to do was die. I'm sorry if that makes you unhappy, but I don't know how I would have gotten though the last month without him." I take a deep breath, before I speak without thinking. I know this month has been hell on her, between our issues, and the Dog...
maybe I should be glad that she does have someone she feels she can trust, that she can go to.

That person should be me dammit.

"I am..... grateful you haven't had to be completely alone with your sorrows then." I say, carefully, measuring out my words. I am glad, yes. Just not about who. "I'm sorry to have driven you away from me, to another." That's closer to the truth of it. Lick my lips and consider my next question.

"This Kent.... how much does he know?"

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

Lucien takes a long time to process what I said. He doesn't look happy again.

"I am..... grateful you haven't had to be completely alone with your sorrows then." Oh, he means it, but doesn't. I should have run to Miao, or Dorian, or Glass...
Glass who I do not feel I can trust to speak to anymore.
"I'm sorry to have driven you away from me, to another." There, there's the heart of it. "You did nothing Lucien." I remind him softly, reaching over to smooth some hair from his face. "And it was merely a case of him being in the right place at the right time. He found me crying the night after and...." I shrug. I don't want to relive the details of why Kent had to comfort me.

"This Kent.... how much does he know?"

I could lie. It would be easier. It would make Lucien feel better, I think. But once again, Kent knows everything...
"He knows Lucien. Knows everything. I had to tell him, he got the idea that he should protect me. He though you were the one hurting me. I had to explain..." I say rather helplessly, looking at him, eyes begging him to understand why.

No need to know he coaxed the info from me during sex.

"He also knows, that I love you. That I will never stop loving you, despite everything else. I never mislead him about that fact."
I assure my Lucien, looking him in the eyes so he sees the truth about that as well.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

"You did nothing Lucien." But I did, didn't I? If I hadn't made the deal and sold my soul, we'd never be here...
"He found me crying the night after and...." well, wasn't that convenient, I think to myself, but I don't voice it. She gets that haunted, pained look in her eyes just at the mention of it, so I let it drop. I'm lying here in her... our bed, I'm not going to push my luck by rehashing why I had to leave it.

When I ask Wanda what this Kent knows, she goes silent again. Which means I won't like the answer. And I certainly don't.
"He knows Lucien. Knows everything. I had to tell him, he got the idea that he should protect me. He though you were the one hurting me. I had to explain..."
"For fucks sake Wanda!" I exclaim, finally sitting up. "You told him about..." I can only look at her, at a loss for words.
She looks as if she may cry, and I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I wouldn't have hurt him, if that's what you were worried about." I try and assure her, although that may be a lie. Right now, the urge to hurt this opportunistic bastard is pretty damn strong. Taking advantage of a obviously distraught woman and worming his way into her life...

"He also knows, that I love you. That I will never stop loving you, despite everything else. I never mislead him about that fact." Wanda looks up at me, voice steady and firm, eyes clear. At least she hasn't forgotten me, or given up on me, if she is telling her newest lover that. A little of my anger fades. I reach out and touch her cheek, trailing my fingers along soft skin. "Still love me, huh? Miracles happen every day." I say softly, and she smiles at me, a real smile.

I should let this go, leave it at this somewhat happy ending. She still loves me, heavens know I still love her more than sanity should allow...
"Does he love you? Do you love him?"

Damn me and my fool mouth.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"For fucks sake Wanda! You told him about..." I wince and inch away a bit. I'm sorry, I wouldn't have shared everything, it's just so easy to talk to Kent. He understands me, he doesn't judge me, why wouldn't I turn to him. "I wouldn't have hurt him, if that's what you were worried about." I take a deep breath and will the tears that have sprung to my eyes away. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt." I tell him miserably. "I was only trying on convince him that you are a good person, and I am not worth worrying over." I say quietly, looking away.

"Still love me, huh? Miracles happen every day." Sigh happily and lean into his hand. "Come what may, come what may, I will love you, until my dying day..." I sing softly, smiling at my Lucien. Even if we are not meant to be, I will love him.

I could be happy in this moment, right here, right now, smiling at him with his hand warm on my cheek, but reality has to keep rearing it's ugly head.

"Does he love you? Do you love him?"

Why, Lucien? Why did you have to ask that? "He cares for me, he told me as much." I whisper, and his hand falls from my face. Kent has told me that, has told me he could come to love me. He hasn't said it though, and I am both grateful for that, and saddened by it.

I am even sadder that I can't tell Lucien simply 'no, I do not love him', I wish I could. It would be easier. The tears start to slip from my eyes, and I drop my gaze to my lap so I can't see how my answer will affect him. "I am beginning to, yes."

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

She's singing... for me. I don't remember the last time she did that. I can't help but grin a bit idiotically.

Which fades as soon as my next question slips from my lips. As soon as I watch her face fall, and the tears start to slide down her face. "He cares for me, he told me as much... I am beginning to, yes."

It must be real, and not some passing fancy, if it grieves her so to admit it to me. I know she loves Dorian, but that is as a good friend. I know she love Lúgh, but that is as something bigger than she, that speaks to something in her on an artistic level that I cannot reach. And now, there's this Kent. 'No one remarkable', who has held her in his arms and comforted her while she broke down. Someone who she cares enough about to move from a mere client to a public lover.

I feel a little numb, but I still reach out and brush a tear away, tilting her chin up so I can see her eyes.
"Why such tears, Wanda?" I ask softly. "Why does it pain you to tell me this?"

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I can't look at him. I want to, but I can't. How can I, when I am basically admitting to myself that I could love someone in the same way I love him? Not as a God, or a friend, but... truly love.

Lucien does not let me get away so easily though, and brings my face up to his.
"Why such tears, Wanda? Why does it pain you to tell me this?"

"There should be only you." I sigh, covering the hand cupped against my face. "I don't want to be in love with anyone else, not in the same way I am and have always been with you. I just... I did not expect to feel that way about him. I am trying to fight it." I say, wanting to believe that I am, but it's already a lost battle.

"You must hate me." I whisper quietly, waiting for him to get dressed and leave. Maybe it would be better if he did, no matter how much it would hurt.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

"There should be only you. I don't want to be in love with anyone else, not in the same way I am and have always been with you. I just... I did not expect to feel that way about him. I am trying to fight it."

It's odd, how I can feel both comfort and pain at the same time. She still loves me, and freely admits it to me and others. That is reason enough to keep trying to make us work...
But is she were really fighting her attraction to this man, she would have refused him as a client. She would try to eject him from her life. I can see that she depends on him for something, for the comfort and safety I can not guarantee her? Most likely. He's become indispensable. Dammit.

"You must hate me." Her mournful voice brings me back from my turbulent thoughts.
Shake my head and sigh, pulling her onto my lap.
"Hate you? No. Never you, Kitten." At least she's stopped wincing when I call her that now. "Granted, you confuse and irritate the hell out of me..." Wink at her and get a small laugh for my efforts. "... but I don't hate you. You never begrudged my being with Miao, and you know I love her as well as you. If you can be content with that... I suppose I can be content with someone who's been there for you when I couldn't."

I don't have to like the bastard, but as far as I can tell, I still come first, so I'll live with it...
for now.

I kiss the top of her head, and hug her tighter. "Anything else I need to know about before we go to sleep?" I joke lightly, really hoping she doesn't answer that.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I manage not to shy away when he calls me by my pet name, but I can still only hear the other voice when he says it.

"...I don't hate you. You never begrudged my being with Miao, and you know I love her as well as you. If you can be content with that... I suppose I can be content with someone who's been there for you when I couldn't."

Sigh and tuck my head under his chin. "Miao is wonderful for you, better than I am, I think. Why would I ever stand between you two? Besides, I love her like a sister, and you make her happy, so it's a win-win situation." I say firmly, feeling a smile start to grow again. "As long as well still love one another too, it will all work out, I know it will."
I almost believe that.

"Anything else I need to know about before we go to sleep?"
Giggle a little and pull him back down to a lying position, wrapping my body around his. "Oh, only that I do love you, and I am not expecting to sleep for quite some time." I say casually, before twining my hands in his glorious hair and pulling his face down so I can kiss his lips.

I may be falling in love with someone else...
but my heart still sings for my Lucien.

[docconstantine.livejournal.com]

"As long as well still love one another too, it will all work out, I know it will."
Maybe, just maybe....

Wanda laughs and pulls me back down, sleep obviously not in her intentions. "Love you too, so much..." I murmur against her lips, before drowning in her embrace.

Maybe it will all work out, somehow.