let your heart stand open

[a-cheval.livejournal.com]

Don't go to Boku and I don't say nothing to Samuel. Don't go to Miss Miao neither, cause she's got enough to worry about and she'd know something was up, even if I didn't say nothing. Don't know Johnny well enough, not really, not well enough for when I feel like this. I should've been nicer to Eris, never mind running off. Course she's upset. Course she ain't happy with me. Who the fuck would be?

Grooming and cleaning and sorting. I dunno. I dunno how I feel, how I'm s'posed to feel. I felt so guilty when Eris said it was my fault but I just- I can't see him doing that cause of me. I just can't. There's something I just ain't seeing. Just ain't fucking seeing it, too fucking stupid to understand all this, too fucking stupid, and the worst is I'm so angry, I'm so fucking angry with him and I don't even know why. (Cause there's always something I don't understand. Cause I'll never escape him. Cause even now he won't get out my fucking head and leave me be.)

Then there's a letter for me. I know his handwriting, but it don't say nothing. Just this key and an address and I know it's daft, I know it is, but I tear round there ready to yell at him for making me think he was dead, making folk think he was dead when he wasn't, ain't right to do that, it ain't right, why won't he just say what he means and not just leave me to work it out when I can't, I don't fucking know what it all means, and I'm running before I know it, running and running and trying to find the place and my head's spinning, then I'm there, this big flat round the back of Main Street and I'm running up the stairs and fumbling with the lock -

He ain't here, course. He's dead.

There's books. Just this room full of books, on and on. I don't understand. Everything's quiet. Noise of my feet on the floorboards is too loud, and the next room: more books, all of his books, and his desk, and his armour and his swords. 's when I get it.

He ain't here, he ain't coming back. He's giving it to me.

Stand there a good while with my hands pressed on my mouth like something big might tear itself free inside me and claw its way out. He must've known which book I'd go for, cause there's a letter in it. I try and read it from the start but I can't take it all in, the words're all swimming on the page, and I keep losing the thread of it.

Luke,

If you have found this letter than you might also have heard by now that I am gone. Regardless of what was said the last time we spoke, it still feels wrong to leave without saying goodbye. I know you’re happy and have no wish to interfere so I am leaving this letter in my stead. I am leaving Excolo for other towns and do not expect to return anytime soon. Perhaps it’s my arrogance again, but I want you to know that you are not the cause or to blame. My tongue is often as fast and sharp as my temper, and once again I let both get the better of me and worse, I allowed them to hurt you. I am sorry that I did not give you a chance to say what needed to be said, but I was afraid. I cannot change what I am and will not do harm to those I swore to protect. And it’s the fear of doing just that, which has brought me to the conclusion that it is time for me to go.

Everything in and including the apartment is yours to do with as you will. I know you will make far better use of it than I ever did and will use it well. Though I have no right, I have one favor to ask. When you finish with this letter say to yourself that you are not to blame and believe in your heart that those are true. If you will do this one last thing for me, then I will leave this town a happy man. Just as I was during the short time I had with you. I will miss you my Luke.

Until we meet again

Can't see the rest. Just sit down on the floor and cry. There ain't no noise from outside to cover it, there ain't nothing in me to quiet it. Just this horrible crying going on and on and on.

[Closed]