Lives On the Line Where Dreams Are Found and Lost

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

The River's Edge
Early Afternoon, Sunday 20 September

I left the school house this morning, telling Kaeli that I would be over to the park once I finish mending the Wilson's wagon axle. How Mrs. Wilson managed to nearly crack it in two is beyond me. The work is almost finished, so I step outside into the cool autumn air and look out over the river. Work has slowed of late. I have still stayed rather busy, however, thanks to Sid's misfortune of having a strength of which he is not fully conscious.

I take a deep breath and smile a little. It is quiet. Something on the outskirts of town has been very loud at night, howling murder and rage into the sky. I can only imagine that it is either a god or some other creature-- a were-beast or something equally as base and unclean-- has moved close to Excolo.

Looking down the bank along the water, I see Laurence sitting on a tree stump. He seems to be staring at the river, but the longer I look at him, the more I realize it is not the river that has his focus. Rather, his focus is far more internal. Quietly, I walk over to him and smile a little more. It has been quite sometime since we last spoke.

"Brother," I say softly in greeting.

[OPEN to Laurence]

Comments

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I do not see the water flowing before my eyes. Instead I see what I almost became, and what Kate would think of it. I don't feel shame, but I do feel hurt. Still.

A little.

A lot.

I have direction now, finally, but when you have been so long without something and then had it suddenly, it makes you realize how much you want it. Her.

"Brother," says a voice that I recognize as Cain's. I smile and turn to greet him.

"Cain," I say. "How are you?"

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

Laurence looks at me and smiles. His expression is one of a man that has much weighing on his mind. I know that he and Kate have parted, but neither of us has spoken about it to the other. Nor about how he has been doing since then.

"I do not mean to interrupt your meditation but thought that we could, perhaps, talk."

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"Of course, Brother," I say and motion to the grass beside the low stump on which I sit. If I didn't know better, I would think he were being cautious. It's not as if there could be much worse happening to me at this point. "You are not interrupting much. Of what would you like to speak?"

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

I sit down when he offers the ground beside him. "You are not interrupting much. Of what would you like to speak?"

"You," I say, continuing to look at him. "We have not spoken in so long beyond our passings in the workshop. Much has happened to you lately." None of this is a question. All of it is factual.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"Much has happened to you lately," Cain says, as fact, and I look at him. He knows. I wonder how much he knows.

"Being so old has given you keen observational skills," I say then look down at my hands. "A great many things have happened. Kate left me. Over a dream." Yes, I shall blame the dream because it was what placed that wedge there. It wasn't her. Not her. "I drank until I could remember nothing when I awoke. Again. God has spoken to me, in His roundabout way." I look at the water, then at my companion. "I believe that is all."

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Being so old has given you keen observational skills." His compliment makes me smile. "A great many things have happened. Kate left me. Over a dream. I drank until I could remember nothing when I awoke. Again. God has spoken to me, in His roundabout way. I believe that is all."

I remain silent for a moment, considering Laurence's brief recount of what happened.

"What, in that roundabout way of his, did God say to you?"

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"That dwelling and falling back to where I was before I met Him will not fix things. That I've ignored what needs to be done. I allowed myself to become distracted." I wince a little at that part, because I have come to realize that is why I was taught that priests were not to engage in romantic relationships. Perhaps there is a way to balance it, but that is something at which I failed miserably.

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

I nod as I listen to him. Other men have said similar things before. Some of them speak the truth and throw themselves into the service they have elected for themselves. Others pretend that it is what they want and find themselves constantly returning to the ways that lead them to ruin. Only time will tell which of those Laurence is and I will not speak that to him. There is nothing constructive in doing such a thing as that.

"Distracted? By the relationship." I pause and look out at the river. "What about the dream? Why did a dream come between the two of you?"

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I nod, a response in the affirmative. Then he asks about the dream and my smile goes wry.

"I had a dream of Kate, her body close to mine, her begging me, her saying she loved me, and we, we made love," I end the sentence softly, speaking to the river. It surprises me a little that my opinion of the whole thing has changed so much since. "I panicked," I continue. "Never have I had a dream like that and never have I allowed to happen what did." Ten years! Ten years of not even touching myself and this is when my body does it, independent of my will. "When I awoke, my psalter and flail were atop my chest--I must have grabbed them in a move for redemption. I became so awkward after, barely sleeping. I treated Kate poorly and when she found out why, she left me. Said that I deserved someone who could give me that, but I don't need it. I just...," need her, my mind finishes but I won't let my mouth. No, she deserves far better and I have a higher calling. It hurts, it aches, and I would give anything to take it back. But I can't. I sigh and shrug helplessly. "I'm not going to preach on the street any more. People don't listen to it. I don't know why I thought they would."

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

"I had a dream of Kate, her body close to mine, her begging me, her saying she loved me, and we, we made love." Patiently, I listen, eyes on him. So far, I am not seeing wherein lies the trouble. "I panicked. Never have I had a dream like that and never have I allowed to happen what did." I almost speak. I want to ask "never?" It is clear, though, that Laurence wishes to continue and I will not interrupt him. "When I awoke, my psalter and flail were atop my chest--I must have grabbed them in a move for redemption." My mind races over what he is saying. I do not want to think what I am thinking, but there are two in this town whom I know, without a doubt, would use a strategy such as this to get to a man. "I became so awkward after, barely sleeping. I treated Kate poorly and when she found out why, she left me. Said that I deserved someone who could give me that, but I don't need it. I just..."

There are very few ways to end a sentence like that when it is spoken with the look and intonation that Laurence has. Want or need or love would be the most common.

"I'm not going to preach on the street any more. People don't listen to it. I don't know why I thought they would."

We sit in silence for a long time, my eyes having drifted to the far bank of the river. Anger feels like an encroaching flood, slowly rising and spreading within me. I must find out which one has injured my friend so. I inhale deeply and relax my shoulders before looking at Laurence again.

"So, what will you do? Do you plan on leaving that vocation?"

I hope his answer is "no." Perhaps there is a more proactive calling that he feels he has been given by God. Perhaps it is something of more service to the community.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

We are silent for a moment, Cain being kind enough to leave me with my thoughts.

"So, what will you do? Do you plan on leaving that vocation?" he asks, breaking the stillness that has fallen over us. I smile and look at him sideways.

"Could I ever?" Then I laugh. "No, I do not. A change in tack, is all. Besides, after He saved my life if I took that for granted, I would wager someone might actually hit me."

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

"Could I ever?" He asks and laughs. "No, I do not. A change in tack, is all. Besides, after He saved my life if I took that for granted, I would wager someone might actually hit me."

I smile at hearing that. The loss of something dear can be devastating. Laurence seems to have found a purpose in it. "I am glad to hear that. What tack are you going to be pursuing instead?"

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"Kate," I say and wince only slightly at her name, "she had the idea to start up a congregation of my own. I ignored it, thinking I was done with the whole thing, but I think she may be right. I have an appointment with the council after the election. See what they have to say about something more official. Hopefully whoever's elected isn't opposed to another church in the area."

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

Excolo has always been small. Too small to warrant a second church, especially since the current one is more or less non-denominational. Excolo has grown considerably, though, and perhaps a second church would be good to have in times like these.

"You mean a Catholic church?"

I do not know how long it has been since the last church of that faith in this area faded away, but I know there is not one in the towns and lands that surround Excolo.

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

I shake my head and make a negative humming sound.

"Mnh-unh, no. There aren't enough Catholics left in the world to fill a church, I don't think. And what I've come to believe doesn't fit with everything they stood for. No, I think just a regular Christ-following church." I look at him and smile a little. "So, what do you think?" I want to ask him what he thinks of Kate and I, of what happened, but I can't bring myself to do it. What if he says he doesn't think there's a chance of reconciliation? It's certainly the smart thing to think. Besides, I shouldn't be worrying about that. Shouldn't be wanting her back. It's just better this way.

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

I nod my head and smile. "I think it would be good to have another church here." I do not voice it, but I feel the Abbey, while full of good and well-meaning people, has not been active enough lately. I feel I have not been active enough. "If there is anything I can do to help, I will do it."

[brotherlaurence.livejournal.com]

"Thank you, Brother," I say. "I will certainly call upon you if needed. I'm glad you think it will be good. After all, your approval is important." I do not think of who else's approval matters. Not one bit.

[cain-excolo.livejournal.com]

"As is your work. This town needs people to start actively doing good deeds. I have not done as much as can be done, so, truly, I am at your side with this."

And to start, I will confront the two so-called women of my past regarding Laurence's dream.