Mar. 26th, 2009

[identity profile] a-cheval.livejournal.com
[Continued from here.]

-----

Luke went over to Boku's attic at the library for a dinner at which very little food was actually consumed, but there was a lot of rather sweet sex, earnestness, smiling at each other in that first flush of romance way, and Luke discovered why the Japanese eat kneeling on the floor.

-----

cut for sexings )

[closed]
[identity profile] a-cheval.livejournal.com
[Continued from here.]

-----

Luke went over to Boku's attic at the library for a dinner at which very little food was actually consumed, but there was a lot of rather sweet sex, earnestness, smiling at each other in that first flush of romance way, and Luke discovered why the Japanese eat kneeling on the floor.

-----

cut for sexings )

[closed]
[identity profile] tereixa-zann.livejournal.com
[Early morning of Saturday, September 26 (day 118)]
[Front steps of Zann's trailer]


...you know what? It's our two-month anniversary today. Mine and Genny's.

Nice bright day, and warm enough you can sit outside in the sun and be happy as long as you've got a decent jacket, and I do. I'm sitting out on the steps, and I've brought Anti and Kythera out with me, and they are being so freaking adorable poking around. Makes me smile, but it doesn't last.

I wish I didn't know what to do. I was okay down on Main Street at the harvest festival they have, kinda not-thinking about it after I started hanging out with Cain and Kate, but that only lasts so long.

See, Syl came to see me, 'cause she wanted to give me a heads-up about Lily. Lilith. The words psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend came up, and apparently she's bad news, not that we're telling anyone about it, not that she's the kind of bad news worth warning people about (I told Essa and Xay and Sabela anyway, no details, just back off the way we would from the Doc when he first showed, see if she settles in).

And Syl and Tez are gonna try something to take care of her.

With Genny.

I kinda started getting all wound up after that, and yeah she's stressed and I get that, but "Zann, shut up and do what I tell you!" still cuts off a conversation like nothing else, shear and slam and drops it off dead.

So that's where things stand, and here's the shape of things, here's the pace and pattern I can make out:

Genny's doing something really fucking dangerous so that the cocknose who isn't family anymore (couldn't even keep to a show schedule!) can kick one of the Grindhouse girls out of the Carnivale. One of the Grindhouse girls who hasn't done anything wrong or caused any shit. And who just happens to be some kinda rival to him over Kent, though I guess we're all supposed to pretend he's too fucking pure and noble to let that have anything to do with it.

'cause that's always how we do it 'round here, Syl. We fuck over family for the people who fuck us over. Finish my cigarette and grind it out in the dirt and light another.

(Yeah yeah yeah, she luuuuurves him. That's just fixing him right the fuck up, isn't it?)

Her psycho monster boyfriend is okay, and she'll slice Genny up and feed her to him, and sure Genny's happy about it--I think Edmund was right, I think she's always gonna have her art shining in her and Tez can give her something no-one else except maybe Kent could. (Does the overlap between what Tez can do and what Hell itself could do give anyone pause, here? Not as far as I can see.) And yeah, she's happy. Daiyu's happy these days too.

But other people's psycho monster girlfriends, or friends? Even if they haven't done anything wrong? Even if they've tried to warn me off going to see Kent, warned me about the knives and edges hidden in that bright and shining promise? Oh, we can't have anything to do with them. Tez says so.

You know what, Syl? I've had it.

Fuck. You.


I stare at the cigarette smoke until it doubles and trebles in my sight, and then slowly settles back together, light shifting arpeggios and echoes, and I'm sure I'm not gonna cry. Don't wanna cry over this, not yet.

Least it's gonna be over soon, and then I can talk to Genny. I've been putting it off, 'cause I didn't want to upset her before whatever the fuck they're gonna do--I think that could be dangerous and I don't want to see her hurt. She's been so sweet lately, time and attention and it's almost like it used to be again, but I know what's coming, and something like this is gonna keep coming, every time Tez decides he wants something or gets pissy or decides it's neat, and I cannot handle this. I've tried. I just can't. I'm glad he makes her happy and I'm glad he makes her bright, and she'll be beautiful all the rest of her days and he'll teach her to shine like a star--but I cannot fucking cope. Anushka was right, and waiting to see which parts of her Tez is going to pull away next to leave her a little closer to being the shine on the edge of sharpened glass...

And I think no-one could stop Genny from following him, now. So if it's gonna be that way, I at least hope she'll be happy, I really do. And if it's an addict's happiness, and she ends up hollow before she breaks--oh, fuck, Genny, I wish I could do something, but I can't, I can't.

I just don't wanna fall apart watching you. I get to worry about that too, right?


So I'm gonna wait until it's over, and then talk to her. I'll make it as easy as I can, please god, thank you god, even if I still don't know exactly how to do that. And it'll be over.

[Closed]
[identity profile] tereixa-zann.livejournal.com
[Early morning of Saturday, September 26 (day 118)]
[Front steps of Zann's trailer]


...you know what? It's our two-month anniversary today. Mine and Genny's.

Nice bright day, and warm enough you can sit outside in the sun and be happy as long as you've got a decent jacket, and I do. I'm sitting out on the steps, and I've brought Anti and Kythera out with me, and they are being so freaking adorable poking around. Makes me smile, but it doesn't last.

I wish I didn't know what to do. I was okay down on Main Street at the harvest festival they have, kinda not-thinking about it after I started hanging out with Cain and Kate, but that only lasts so long.

See, Syl came to see me, 'cause she wanted to give me a heads-up about Lily. Lilith. The words psycho monster boyfriend's psycho monster girlfriend came up, and apparently she's bad news, not that we're telling anyone about it, not that she's the kind of bad news worth warning people about (I told Essa and Xay and Sabela anyway, no details, just back off the way we would from the Doc when he first showed, see if she settles in).

And Syl and Tez are gonna try something to take care of her.

With Genny.

I kinda started getting all wound up after that, and yeah she's stressed and I get that, but "Zann, shut up and do what I tell you!" still cuts off a conversation like nothing else, shear and slam and drops it off dead.

So that's where things stand, and here's the shape of things, here's the pace and pattern I can make out:

Genny's doing something really fucking dangerous so that the cocknose who isn't family anymore (couldn't even keep to a show schedule!) can kick one of the Grindhouse girls out of the Carnivale. One of the Grindhouse girls who hasn't done anything wrong or caused any shit. And who just happens to be some kinda rival to him over Kent, though I guess we're all supposed to pretend he's too fucking pure and noble to let that have anything to do with it.

'cause that's always how we do it 'round here, Syl. We fuck over family for the people who fuck us over. Finish my cigarette and grind it out in the dirt and light another.

(Yeah yeah yeah, she luuuuurves him. That's just fixing him right the fuck up, isn't it?)

Her psycho monster boyfriend is okay, and she'll slice Genny up and feed her to him, and sure Genny's happy about it--I think Edmund was right, I think she's always gonna have her art shining in her and Tez can give her something no-one else except maybe Kent could. (Does the overlap between what Tez can do and what Hell itself could do give anyone pause, here? Not as far as I can see.) And yeah, she's happy. Daiyu's happy these days too.

But other people's psycho monster girlfriends, or friends? Even if they haven't done anything wrong? Even if they've tried to warn me off going to see Kent, warned me about the knives and edges hidden in that bright and shining promise? Oh, we can't have anything to do with them. Tez says so.

You know what, Syl? I've had it.

Fuck. You.


I stare at the cigarette smoke until it doubles and trebles in my sight, and then slowly settles back together, light shifting arpeggios and echoes, and I'm sure I'm not gonna cry. Don't wanna cry over this, not yet.

Least it's gonna be over soon, and then I can talk to Genny. I've been putting it off, 'cause I didn't want to upset her before whatever the fuck they're gonna do--I think that could be dangerous and I don't want to see her hurt. She's been so sweet lately, time and attention and it's almost like it used to be again, but I know what's coming, and something like this is gonna keep coming, every time Tez decides he wants something or gets pissy or decides it's neat, and I cannot handle this. I've tried. I just can't. I'm glad he makes her happy and I'm glad he makes her bright, and she'll be beautiful all the rest of her days and he'll teach her to shine like a star--but I cannot fucking cope. Anushka was right, and waiting to see which parts of her Tez is going to pull away next to leave her a little closer to being the shine on the edge of sharpened glass...

And I think no-one could stop Genny from following him, now. So if it's gonna be that way, I at least hope she'll be happy, I really do. And if it's an addict's happiness, and she ends up hollow before she breaks--oh, fuck, Genny, I wish I could do something, but I can't, I can't.

I just don't wanna fall apart watching you. I get to worry about that too, right?


So I'm gonna wait until it's over, and then talk to her. I'll make it as easy as I can, please god, thank you god, even if I still don't know exactly how to do that. And it'll be over.

[Closed]
[identity profile] nansekam.livejournal.com
Saturday, 26 September, late afternoon

It's cooling down now, at the end of the day, though it's been bright. I feel pretty warm, though, as I walk up Silk Road and head toward the abbey. I've been walking for quite a while now, and I'm footsore, and my clothes are dusty.

I headed out at dawn on Thursday morning to my family's farm. It was another bright morning, sky as clear as you like, and the ten miles didn't seem too much on a clear bright morning with only the birds and a hymn on my lips for company. Nance nin me kal-kal-la ki na-mu-un-gi-gi/agarin na-nam ama sa-hi-in na-nam! Was feeling pretty cheery - the harvest festival party went well, and we brought in a good amount of cash for the poor this winter.

I got to the farm mid-morning, having had some breakfast by a hedgerow on the way. I always try to get back for a couple of days at harvest season to help out with things. The crops were looking good, but Mum and Dad - well. I've seen them look better. Stretched thin, I'd call it. Been a couple of months since I was last out there, and they don't come into town much these days, so I haven't seen them. Mum's looking a lot older, suddenly. Her skin's got this papery quality to it that wasn't there before. Reckon she's lost a bit of weight. Mum's always been plump, so it looks odd. She seems tired, too. I asked her if she's been sick, and she just brushed it off. She'd do that if she was dying, though.

Rashida and I didn't get to chat much, the first day. We were both too busy working. We managed to talk on Friday evening, though, and a couple of the things she said - well, they stung. I can tell she's lonely, and she's getting these worry lines between her eyes I think she's too young for. I told her she needs to make time for herself, spend time with friends. There's too much to do here, Sayid, she said. And even if there wasn't, how many friends do you think I have, now? Fucking hell, it hurt. I always feel guilty, seeing her. Like I abandoned her. I know it's stupid. She chose to stay with Mum and Dad. It wasn't like she was forced. Then again, I know that it was expected of her. Keep the daughter at home until she gets married, that's how it's always gone with my family, and with me moved away, Rashida's had to work too hard on the farm to really have boyfriends. I know there was a bloke a couple of years back, but it fizzled out. Taslim was here last week, she said, which I knew, cos Mum and Dad wanted me to come see him, and I couldn't because there was too much to do at the abbey. Feel bad about that; it's not often any of our folks from Oakridge come to town, that being Dad's brother and his three kids. Umayr and Abra are married themselves, but Taslim's not settled yet, probably cos he's not got as much of a brain as his siblings, and he's a bit of a flighty bugger. He suggested we get married, she said, and I nearly choked on my mint tea. "What the fuck?" I said. "The man's an idiot! And pretty closely related to us, you'd end up with four-eyed sprogs." Rashida just shrugged. I said I'd think about it. He'd be willing to move here, and it'd be nice, having someone to help out. And he's cheerful enough company, and he's devout and keeps hijab. It might be enough.

Can't get over the look on her face when she said that. It might be enough. Oh, sister, I want better for you than enough.

I kept working until lunchtime today, and then we all sat down for dinner. It made my walk back slow, my belly heavy with grain and meat and fruit, and I'm tired. I know serving Nanshe is what I'm meant to do. I just wish I knew how to serve my family, too.

[open]
[identity profile] nansekam.livejournal.com
Saturday, 26 September, late afternoon

It's cooling down now, at the end of the day, though it's been bright. I feel pretty warm, though, as I walk up Silk Road and head toward the abbey. I've been walking for quite a while now, and I'm footsore, and my clothes are dusty.

I headed out at dawn on Thursday morning to my family's farm. It was another bright morning, sky as clear as you like, and the ten miles didn't seem too much on a clear bright morning with only the birds and a hymn on my lips for company. Nance nin me kal-kal-la ki na-mu-un-gi-gi/agarin na-nam ama sa-hi-in na-nam! Was feeling pretty cheery - the harvest festival party went well, and we brought in a good amount of cash for the poor this winter.

I got to the farm mid-morning, having had some breakfast by a hedgerow on the way. I always try to get back for a couple of days at harvest season to help out with things. The crops were looking good, but Mum and Dad - well. I've seen them look better. Stretched thin, I'd call it. Been a couple of months since I was last out there, and they don't come into town much these days, so I haven't seen them. Mum's looking a lot older, suddenly. Her skin's got this papery quality to it that wasn't there before. Reckon she's lost a bit of weight. Mum's always been plump, so it looks odd. She seems tired, too. I asked her if she's been sick, and she just brushed it off. She'd do that if she was dying, though.

Rashida and I didn't get to chat much, the first day. We were both too busy working. We managed to talk on Friday evening, though, and a couple of the things she said - well, they stung. I can tell she's lonely, and she's getting these worry lines between her eyes I think she's too young for. I told her she needs to make time for herself, spend time with friends. There's too much to do here, Sayid, she said. And even if there wasn't, how many friends do you think I have, now? Fucking hell, it hurt. I always feel guilty, seeing her. Like I abandoned her. I know it's stupid. She chose to stay with Mum and Dad. It wasn't like she was forced. Then again, I know that it was expected of her. Keep the daughter at home until she gets married, that's how it's always gone with my family, and with me moved away, Rashida's had to work too hard on the farm to really have boyfriends. I know there was a bloke a couple of years back, but it fizzled out. Taslim was here last week, she said, which I knew, cos Mum and Dad wanted me to come see him, and I couldn't because there was too much to do at the abbey. Feel bad about that; it's not often any of our folks from Oakridge come to town, that being Dad's brother and his three kids. Umayr and Abra are married themselves, but Taslim's not settled yet, probably cos he's not got as much of a brain as his siblings, and he's a bit of a flighty bugger. He suggested we get married, she said, and I nearly choked on my mint tea. "What the fuck?" I said. "The man's an idiot! And pretty closely related to us, you'd end up with four-eyed sprogs." Rashida just shrugged. I said I'd think about it. He'd be willing to move here, and it'd be nice, having someone to help out. And he's cheerful enough company, and he's devout and keeps hijab. It might be enough.

Can't get over the look on her face when she said that. It might be enough. Oh, sister, I want better for you than enough.

I kept working until lunchtime today, and then we all sat down for dinner. It made my walk back slow, my belly heavy with grain and meat and fruit, and I'm tired. I know serving Nanshe is what I'm meant to do. I just wish I knew how to serve my family, too.

[open]

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