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estdeus_innobisMarshall's Post Office and Stables, Day 100, just after closing time
Ares was there all day. Sorta woke up a bit when he was leaving, and I would've said something but I was half asleep. Just kept on sleeping. Get up when it's late and read one of my books, then fall asleep again and end up sleeping in. Samuel ain't happy, course, 'bout me cussing him out or being late, but he don't say nothing, and he keeps me in the office 'stead of out on a run. He don't say much of anything to me all that day, and most of the next. Start feeling like I should be saying sorry all the time, but I don't, and he just tells me to get back out front and stop being silly whenever I try and talk to him.
Then when I'm closing up he comes and stands there watching me, and my skin starts feeling all itchy like I can feel his eyes on me, like when dad'd point to his belt where it was hung on the wall, even if he never got it down for me, just Samuel mostly when he was younger.
"Had to fucking lie for you, you know that?" says Samuel. Takes this long draw on his cigarette, then licks his finger and sticks the paper back down where it's unsticking. Gives me this look over the top of it. Shake my head, cause I don't know why he would, why couldn't he just say I'd got hurt on a run? Only before I can ask him he carries on. "'Cause you know what folk'll think, don't you?"
Feel it cold up all my spine. Fuck off Samuel, just fuck off. Don't say it. Not again. Want to though. And he comes up real close and he pokes his finger into my chest, but not hard, like dad used to do to him when he rode the horses into a lather for no good reason, but I can't look at him. Can't even look him in the fucking eye. "Use your fucking head, Luke. You go gallivanting off with him to god knows where, he's off giving you fucking dogs and fuck knows what, I mean--" Shakes his head and just looks at me. His face has gone all red and tight. "They'll think you ain't at your work cause you're off somewhere letting the butcher fuck you up the arse. That's what they'll fucking think, boy."
I don't say nothing. And I'm wishing he wouldn't look at me like that, and he wouldn't say it like that, and he'd just fuck off, just fuck off and leave me alone. Why does he have to say it like that?
When I was little Samuel pulled me right off the back of this horse once, just as it was rearing up to throw me. Pulled me right off it and onto his. Never forgot it. And now he's looking at me like that and it gets me to thinking, maybe he wishes he never pulled me off that horse, maybe he wishes he'd just let it throw me and trample me and that'd be better for everyone.
Think I'm shaking. But then it stops and I look at him, and I look him right in the eye. "They'd be right then, wouldn't they?" I say, sort of quiet and then it's gone, out, right there between us. Oh, fuck. Oh fuck Samuel don't be angry, don't be angry, say something. Think of his fist in the back of my jacket lifting me off Gellert and how afterwards we'd both laughed all nervous like and promised not to tell dad about it.
Only he don't say nothing. Just looks at me, pressing his mouth shut like he wants to, but he don't. Want to take it back, say I was just angry and I don't mean it and it ain't true. But I don't. Cause it is true. And I don't look away neither even though I can see his hands all fisted up by his sides, and I think just you try it then, just fucking try it, won't change who I am, won't change me, folks already tried that and it never worked. Too late for that. Too late.
But he don't hit me. He ain't never hit me, Samuel. Puts his hand on the back of my neck and just stands there looking at me. Ain't a nice look. Sorta sad, maybe, too. Then he turns away and goes to the door. "Don't go saying that shit to Elias," he says, only he don't turn round and look at me. "He wouldn't be so nice." Then he goes out back to the stables and I can hear him talking to Si out there, only I don't follow, just stand there not really knowing what the fuck to make of that. Go into the bathroom and stand over the basin thinking maybe I'll be sick, but I ain't.
[Closed]
Ares was there all day. Sorta woke up a bit when he was leaving, and I would've said something but I was half asleep. Just kept on sleeping. Get up when it's late and read one of my books, then fall asleep again and end up sleeping in. Samuel ain't happy, course, 'bout me cussing him out or being late, but he don't say nothing, and he keeps me in the office 'stead of out on a run. He don't say much of anything to me all that day, and most of the next. Start feeling like I should be saying sorry all the time, but I don't, and he just tells me to get back out front and stop being silly whenever I try and talk to him.
Then when I'm closing up he comes and stands there watching me, and my skin starts feeling all itchy like I can feel his eyes on me, like when dad'd point to his belt where it was hung on the wall, even if he never got it down for me, just Samuel mostly when he was younger.
"Had to fucking lie for you, you know that?" says Samuel. Takes this long draw on his cigarette, then licks his finger and sticks the paper back down where it's unsticking. Gives me this look over the top of it. Shake my head, cause I don't know why he would, why couldn't he just say I'd got hurt on a run? Only before I can ask him he carries on. "'Cause you know what folk'll think, don't you?"
Feel it cold up all my spine. Fuck off Samuel, just fuck off. Don't say it. Not again. Want to though. And he comes up real close and he pokes his finger into my chest, but not hard, like dad used to do to him when he rode the horses into a lather for no good reason, but I can't look at him. Can't even look him in the fucking eye. "Use your fucking head, Luke. You go gallivanting off with him to god knows where, he's off giving you fucking dogs and fuck knows what, I mean--" Shakes his head and just looks at me. His face has gone all red and tight. "They'll think you ain't at your work cause you're off somewhere letting the butcher fuck you up the arse. That's what they'll fucking think, boy."
I don't say nothing. And I'm wishing he wouldn't look at me like that, and he wouldn't say it like that, and he'd just fuck off, just fuck off and leave me alone. Why does he have to say it like that?
When I was little Samuel pulled me right off the back of this horse once, just as it was rearing up to throw me. Pulled me right off it and onto his. Never forgot it. And now he's looking at me like that and it gets me to thinking, maybe he wishes he never pulled me off that horse, maybe he wishes he'd just let it throw me and trample me and that'd be better for everyone.
Think I'm shaking. But then it stops and I look at him, and I look him right in the eye. "They'd be right then, wouldn't they?" I say, sort of quiet and then it's gone, out, right there between us. Oh, fuck. Oh fuck Samuel don't be angry, don't be angry, say something. Think of his fist in the back of my jacket lifting me off Gellert and how afterwards we'd both laughed all nervous like and promised not to tell dad about it.
Only he don't say nothing. Just looks at me, pressing his mouth shut like he wants to, but he don't. Want to take it back, say I was just angry and I don't mean it and it ain't true. But I don't. Cause it is true. And I don't look away neither even though I can see his hands all fisted up by his sides, and I think just you try it then, just fucking try it, won't change who I am, won't change me, folks already tried that and it never worked. Too late for that. Too late.
But he don't hit me. He ain't never hit me, Samuel. Puts his hand on the back of my neck and just stands there looking at me. Ain't a nice look. Sorta sad, maybe, too. Then he turns away and goes to the door. "Don't go saying that shit to Elias," he says, only he don't turn round and look at me. "He wouldn't be so nice." Then he goes out back to the stables and I can hear him talking to Si out there, only I don't follow, just stand there not really knowing what the fuck to make of that. Go into the bathroom and stand over the basin thinking maybe I'll be sick, but I ain't.
[Closed]
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