Won't give up, it wants me dead, god damn this noise inside my head.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

Thursday, March 4th.

Somewhere around 2 am
2  AM and I'm still awake writing a song, If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to....

Throat is dry, need more water.  Hurts to get up out of bed, hurts to move, can't sleep, but so tired...

You make my eyes run over all the time, You're happy when I'm out of my mind
You don't love me but you won't let me be... Don't you ever get tired of hurting me?

Haven't moved.. still need water.  No... I need sleep.  I need... sleep... need... 

Take your accusation, your recriminations and toss them into the ocean blue
Leave your regrets and impossible longings and scatter them across the sky behind you
And come into my sleep, Come into my sleep, For my soul to comfort and keep
Come.... into... my.... sle....ep

8am
Woke twice more, music on my lips, slipping past dry and whisper quiet.  Did I ever sleep?  Or just close my eyes..

Just close your eyes, kiss me goodbye and sleep.... just sleep.  The hardest part, is letting go of your dreams.

It's going to be a long day. 

3pm.
Thank heaven's for Romana.  All I have to worry about is feeding myself and resting.  Can't say sleeping, just resting, shifting position, moving from the bed to the window---

Come to my window, Crawl inside, wait by the light Of the moon! 
Come to my window, I’ll be home soon---

Clamp a hand over my mouth.  Can't.  Stop.  Singing.

7pm
Need air.  Maybe a small walk down to the cafe to pick up dinner, and the fresh air will make me tired.  The streets are not crowded as I slowly walk down the street---

People stop and stare, they don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
Let the time go by, I won't care if I
Can be here on the street where you live...

Move quicker now, as quick as I am able.  Just get the food, and get home---

I have finally found my place in everything.
I have finally found my home.

Open the door to the cafe... and reel away, hands clapped over my ears.  It's.  So.  LOUD!  Whimper in pain and stumble away.  I try to focus on my daughters heartbeat, and I can hear it clearly, but I can hear everyone else too.  Oh god, I can't be around people anymore.  Can't shut them out.  Too tired, can't focus.  Need to go home. 

You are my home...

Going on midnight.
All I can do is lay in bed, stare out the window or at the fire, and hope I'll just pass out soon.  The baby movers under my hand, and I assure her I am fine, and we don't need her father here.  I sing to her, for she likes that, and it keeps her calm.  I sing whatever comes to mind, whatever I catch in my head.

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage....

Inch worm, inch worm, measuring the marigolds...

Keep it behind lashes can you make it last...

Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues,
Oh the move never ends it just goes on and on and on and on.....

Finally, oh god thank you finally!  She settles.  She settles, and my eyes close of their own accord, even as the music still trickles from my lips as I give into darkness.

And did you ever really find, when you closed your eyes, any place, that was still....
and...
at....

Ten minutes later.
My eyes fly open. 
She's kicking again, and I have to use the bathroom, and--

(closed)

Won't give up, it wants me dead, god damn this noise inside my head.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

Thursday, March 4th.

Somewhere around 2 am
2  AM and I'm still awake writing a song, If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to....

Throat is dry, need more water.  Hurts to get up out of bed, hurts to move, can't sleep, but so tired...

You make my eyes run over all the time, You're happy when I'm out of my mind
You don't love me but you won't let me be... Don't you ever get tired of hurting me?

Haven't moved.. still need water.  No... I need sleep.  I need... sleep... need... 

Take your accusation, your recriminations and toss them into the ocean blue
Leave your regrets and impossible longings and scatter them across the sky behind you
And come into my sleep, Come into my sleep, For my soul to comfort and keep
Come.... into... my.... sle....ep

8am
Woke twice more, music on my lips, slipping past dry and whisper quiet.  Did I ever sleep?  Or just close my eyes..

Just close your eyes, kiss me goodbye and sleep.... just sleep.  The hardest part, is letting go of your dreams.

It's going to be a long day. 

3pm.
Thank heaven's for Romana.  All I have to worry about is feeding myself and resting.  Can't say sleeping, just resting, shifting position, moving from the bed to the window---

Come to my window, Crawl inside, wait by the light Of the moon! 
Come to my window, I’ll be home soon---

Clamp a hand over my mouth.  Can't.  Stop.  Singing.

7pm
Need air.  Maybe a small walk down to the cafe to pick up dinner, and the fresh air will make me tired.  The streets are not crowded as I slowly walk down the street---

People stop and stare, they don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
Let the time go by, I won't care if I
Can be here on the street where you live...

Move quicker now, as quick as I am able.  Just get the food, and get home---

I have finally found my place in everything.
I have finally found my home.

Open the door to the cafe... and reel away, hands clapped over my ears.  It's.  So.  LOUD!  Whimper in pain and stumble away.  I try to focus on my daughters heartbeat, and I can hear it clearly, but I can hear everyone else too.  Oh god, I can't be around people anymore.  Can't shut them out.  Too tired, can't focus.  Need to go home. 

You are my home...

Going on midnight.
All I can do is lay in bed, stare out the window or at the fire, and hope I'll just pass out soon.  The baby movers under my hand, and I assure her I am fine, and we don't need her father here.  I sing to her, for she likes that, and it keeps her calm.  I sing whatever comes to mind, whatever I catch in my head.

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage....

Inch worm, inch worm, measuring the marigolds...

Keep it behind lashes can you make it last...

Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues,
Oh the move never ends it just goes on and on and on and on.....

Finally, oh god thank you finally!  She settles.  She settles, and my eyes close of their own accord, even as the music still trickles from my lips as I give into darkness.

And did you ever really find, when you closed your eyes, any place, that was still....
and...
at....

Ten minutes later.
My eyes fly open. 
She's kicking again, and I have to use the bathroom, and--

(closed)