estdeus_innobis | (no subject)

Current Location: Kaeli's apartment

Entry tags:

cain,
kaeli

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Wednesday, October 14th, Mid morning

It started shortly after I woke, it started with feelings I couldn’t dismiss or close away. Feelings of determination and fear with relief mixed in. Something to do, but I didn’t know what. I was afraid but I couldn’t say why and underneath it all, I was at ease. For a moment I thought, this is it, Lúgh's doing it, its happening today. But then the children arrived and it all faded, drowned away by happiness, songs and play.

And then I thought maybe I was wrong, today wasn’t the day. We were on our first break mid morning when it started again and that’s when Beth, my teachers aid ran in, talking about smoke billowing up from the direction of the Voronin estate. I hadn’t made it out the door when it hit me like a shockwave, almost knocking me to knees, she was gone. Anushka was gone.

After dismissing the class early I go upstairs and sit on the couch, stunned and empty, just staring around my apartment as if its not mine. Tears blurring my vision and burning my eyes as I remember when I met her in the park, thinking there is at least one who understands, and then when I found out I would never have children, how she took my hand, my own sadness reflected in her eyes. She was more than most knew, they just couldn’t see.

Footsteps sound on the stairs, and I pull my eyes away from the room to look into Cains, “I already know. She’s gone,” I say flatly, feeling tears sting my eyes again before I push them away.

~~[OPEN TO CAIN]~~ [CLOSED]

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I am back in the Smithy. There is not much work at the moment. Very few people have requested new items lately and the only projects I have are repairs. There's a strange momentary sensation at the back of my mind akin to the second sense occasionally felt when someone is watching you. No one else is here, though, and no one is on the street nor at the river. I shake my head slightly and return to my work.

"There's a fire!" someone shouts out on the street. Rushing out of the Smithy, there is thick smoke rising from somewhere in the southeast. Others are out in the street, watching the smoke rise. I pull off my apron and pull on my shirt. As I'm leaving the Smithy, it comes.

I hurry to Kaeli's, knowing there is nothing I could do at the Estate. There will be nothing left to do there, I am certain. The schoolhouse is empty. Up the stairs I climb and she is sitting on her couch, eyes flooded.

“I already know. She’s gone."

I cross to her and kneel down, taking her hands in mine.

"What happened?"

"What happened?"

My eyes settle on Cain and follow him. Something real, here and now. I slowly shrug, trying to collect it all in my head. "When I woke up I knew something was going to happen today. I felt it. I think I knew because she knew," I pause, slowly shrugging again, "I just...I didn't know it was her. Not until it was too late and she was gone." Normally the connections fade over time, but I don't think that one ever really did.

"I knew when she was gone, I felt that too," I say quietly, looking at the floor but not looking at it. "Like an explosion that left a hole where she used to be," I say, sliding a hand from his, brushing tears away again. If I didn't know it was her until it was too late, how will I know when...

I am assuming that she is speaking of Anushka Voronin. The way she speaks, I do not think it was merely a fire at the estate that brought about Lady Voronin's death. Reaching up after her hand falls from her face, I swipe my thumb across her cheek, taking a tear away, and then brush her hair back from her face.

"It sounds as though it was a violent thing."

I would not be surprised if something powerful challenged her.

"It sounds as though it was a violent thing."

"It wasn't just that," I shake my head, "There was determination and relief mixed in." I just have no way of knowing if it was determination to live or die. The few times I was around her, she seemed to have a calm acceptance and understanding of everything, even me. But even then, that quiet determination was there. Was it what you wanted? I just wish I knew.

"There was violence too, but it happened so fast, then it was gone and there was just silence and peace," I say slowly, only realizing it as I hear myself say it. The thrum of rage and violence that used to make me feel sick. Its gone too. Then I feel sadness turn to anger when I think of that day in the house, her in his lap, him stroking her hair. "Cain, I think Ares was there," I murmur. I try to recall it back, the blast of power, death and heat, but still the last thing I felt was her, not him.

Eyesight going unfocused I reach out, trying to search the town, looking for him. For that sickness that always came before I learned to block it and got too close. That sickness I felt for a split second today, right before the end. My stomach twists as I find it and trace it to a place where it stops, buried under everything, love and death and fire and pain so strong that I feel like I'm spinning and falling and sinking about to drown. But the rage and violence is there mixed in with it all, already beginning to fade.

I close it off quickly as it tries to seep in. As my vision begins to clear the anger is gone, but I'm not sure if the sigh I let out is from sadness or relief and my eyes are wet with tears. "He's gone. But it was her I felt in the end, not him." I don't have her gift of sight and despite what I felt I could be wrong, but I can't help but hope its true.

Edited 2009-05-21 06:48 (UTC)

"It wasn't just that. There was determination and relief mixed in." I can only think that it was something Lady Voronin needed then, or sought. Perhaps an escape from the things around her. "There was violence too, but it happened so fast, then it was gone and there was just silence and peace. Cain, I think Ares was there." My stomach knots when Kaeli says this. Ares is easily defined as fast and violent. "He's gone. But it was her I felt in the end, not him." I look at her in confusion for a moment until I realize what it is that she has said.

"Ares... he is dead?"

"Ares... he is dead?"

"I don't know," I say quietly, "They all have a kind of resonance to them, all their own and his is gone." Which reminds me of something Anushka once said about Gaueko. He knows he cannot die, even if he can end.

For them is it one and the same?

"I just know he's gone." Did you figure it out Anushka? The thing I've thought to myself so many times? The thing I've been worried sick over when I think of what Lúgh;s going to do?

Maybe not dead, but he is at least absent from the town. And most likely not "dead" like when I "killed" him. The group of concerned parties regarding the gods may be happy to hear that he is gone. Dead or departed from town, either way it means one less god here. I do not feel the same way. I have always hated Ares and never made that a secret, but Eris loves him dearly. Strongly, I doubt she is handling this well.

"And Lady Voronin?" Surely a confrontation with a god like Ares could not end well for her, even if she were to defeat him.

"She's..." I trail off, still not wanting to believe what I know to be true. "She's gone too." She said she knew how she would die, was this it then? Oh Anushka, is that what you saw and why you were relieved? Because you knew it was the end?

Those stupid words leap up and bounce around my head, not dead, not dead, not dead> And I want to curl up into a ball and let them echo until they're true. But I know they're not and I know she is. "She's dead, Cain, gone." I know my voice is cold and flat, even though I don't mean it to be. But with everything with Lúgh and now this. How many people will be gone before this is done? "I don't know how long it went on, but it wasn't easy and she died burning, in pain. I felt her go." I think I'm babbling now, because I think I may have said that before. Its the pain I can't stand and that makes me shake, knowing that it wasn't easy and quick. She died fighting with him, while she burned alive in that house. Why didn't she run?

When his life was given to save mine, I thought that was a waste. I have no idea what to think about this. I know what I think doesn't matter and it won't change it, but I just don't understand why? "Does it get any easier?" I ask, leaning back and looking into his eyes.

"She's..." Kaeli says but her voice fades out and I lay my hands atop hers. "She's gone too." She says it with a finality that can only mean one thing for a mortal. "She's dead, Cain, gone," she says, confirming the conclusion I already reached. Kaeli is in shock, her voice registering little emotion, though I can feel so much of it. "I don't know how long it went on, but it wasn't easy and she died burning, in pain. I felt her go." I stay silent. The way that Kaeli is speaking tells me she needs to let it out, she needs to try and find some sense in a place where it will never exist. She leans back, looking at me with damp eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. "Does it get any easier?"

I shake my head. "Never. If anything, the more you lose, the harder it gets. The harder it is to let yourself love. It is a vicious cycle." I think of Eris again and how much pain she must feel. I truly must see her soon. Very soon. I smile a little at Kaeli and brush her hair back again. "It is all a part of life, though. We can only hope that Anushka left it with dignity and maybe for some greater purpose."

As for Ares, well, he may not even truly be at an end. How does one end a concept?

"Never. If anything, the more you lose, the harder it gets. The harder it is to let yourself love. It is a vicious cycle. It is all a part of life, though. We can only hope that Anushka left it with dignity and maybe for some greater purpose."

I look at him for a minute and think about how long he's lived, how much he's lost. The depth of his curse sinking in. But here he is smiling as he brushes hair away from my face and as hard as it may be he hasn't stopped loving still. I know he's right about it being part of life. To be born, to die and be reborn again. And I know what I'm feeling is childish and really more for myself and my own loss. Its just I've never felt it happen like that before. I smile a little when he mentions Anushka leaving with dignity, "I don't think its possible that she left with anything but that." She always had an a proud almost regal bearing to her, even laying on the ground barefoot with bits of grass clinging to her hair.

Then I remember her small smile when she said, "I had a son. And the son died, and I was left alone, wondering, wondering where he was, because the ghosts would tell me nothing, the gods would tell me nothing, the Sight stopped short of him. But he... He told me my son was happy. And not lost. He set me free, he set us both free." And I think now she's free to be with her son again. Maybe that's what she wanted all along.

"How are you?" I ask, squeezing his hands and realizing how selfish I've been.

"I don't think its possible that she left with anything but that." I smile because I know she did. Not because I can sense it or because I have some ESP. No, it is because I know Ares and he would have wanted her to leave this life proud of what she accomplished during it. In a way, I am sorry that it seems I will not meet my end at the tip of his sword. Very few have met dishonorable ends when faced with the god of War.

"How are you?" she asks with a squeeze to my hands.

"Very well, otherwise. My day has been well. How was school?"

"Very well, otherwise. My day has been well. How was school?"

"I let them out early. They were too distracted by the fire to get anything accomplished today. And to be honest, so was I," I say with a small smile. Given what I felt when it happened, I was also scared of anything else hitting me too. The last thing I need is to collapse in class.

"I finally met the new doctor in town the other day. He seems pretty nice. Have you met him yet?" I ask with a smile. Can't help thinking maybe I should go talk to him about Anushkas' death. He might have some suggestions on things to do to calm my nerves too.

Edited 2009-05-25 22:53 (UTC)

"I let them out early. They were too distracted by the fire to get anything accomplished today. And to be honest, so was I." I nod in understanding.

"It can be difficult to carry on after an event like this. If there is anything you need in dealing with it, please let me know."

"I finally met the new doctor in town the other day. He seems pretty nice. Have you met him yet?"

I raise my eyebrows. "A new doctor?" I ask incredulously. "I hadn't heard we had a new one. What is his specialty?"

And what is wrong with him? We already have one missing his soul, so perhaps this one is a nuclear wasteland mutant?

"It can be difficult to carry on after an event like this. If there is anything you need in dealing with it, please let me know."

I smile. "Everything I need is right here. Thank you for coming," I murmur, kissing him and wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug.

"A new doctor? I hadn't heard we had a new one. What is his specialty?"

"Mhm," I nod leaning back. "He's sharing space with Lucien and his specialty is mainly psychiatry, though there was something else on the sign too. I just can't remember what," I shrug and then snicker, "He thinks a good many in town are hallucinating with their talk of gods and monsters." Still, I think I might go see him again. I know what its like to be new in town and he was interesting to talk to if nothing else. "How is Laurence doing. Have you seen him lately?"

"Everything I need is right here. Thank you for coming," she says and we kiss. She hugs me tighter to her and I squeeze my arms around her a little more.

"He's sharing space with Lucien and his specialty is mainly psychiatry, though there was something else on the sign too. I just can't remember what. He thinks a good many in town are hallucinating with their talk of gods and monsters."

"An interesting field of study. I imagine there aren't many of them left now." That must be why he has found Excolo. This seems like the place for people that would have fit better in the world before the Wars than they do in the one in which we now live.

"How is Laurence doing. Have you seen him lately?"

"I have not seen him much of late. He has moved into an extra space at the back of his church so that more of his time may be devoted to finishing it." The change has meant a lot of change for me, as well. I know longer have an assistant at the Smithy. I can get along well enough without one, but I miss that time Laurence and I would spend together. "He seems to be doing very well."

"An interesting field of study. I imagine there aren't many of them left now."

"It is," I nod, "I know I've never met anyone who studied it before." Smaller towns just don't generally find a need. Though I suppose maybe in larger cities it might be more common.

"I have not seen him much of late. He has moved into an extra space at the back of his church so that more of his time may be devoted to finishing it."

I remember Laurence mentioning a church when I saw him at the festival. The thought of him realizing his dream makes me smile. "I'm glad he's well. Have you seen the church yet?" I ask. Wondering how Cain feels about it all.

"I'm glad he's well. Have you seen the church yet?" I smile.

"Yes, I have. It's on Silk Road and he's done a lot of work refurbishing the building the town has permitted him to use. He even has a name for the church: Saint Willigis. I think he intends to open it on Sunday."

"Yes, I have. It's on Silk Road and he's done a lot of work refurbishing the building the town has permitted him to use. He even has a name for the church: Saint Willigis. I think he intends to open it on Sunday."

"Oh!" I grin, "That's wonderful that he'll be able to open it so soon. Did you plan to go? Is he excited?" Do people get excited about opening a church? Or just nervous maybe? I imagine it should be exciting for some, and I'm definitely excited for him. To be able to realize a dream should be something to get excited over in my opinion. Especially these days.

I have no idea who Saint Willigis is, but that's not a surprise given how little I know about the religion to begin with. Learning about it would be interesting though, if not beneficial given all that's been going on around town and its residents. And I think I'd very much like to go and show to show some support for Laurence too. Come to think of it, I haven't visited Nansekam like we talked about either. Maybe I'll have to alternate Sundays.

"Oh! That's wonderful that he'll be able to open it so soon. Did you plan to go? Is he excited?" The excitement bubbling out of Kaeli makes me laugh.

"Yes. He hired some help that Valmont recommended to him, so the repairs went much quicker than Laurence expected. I certainly do plan on going and I think he is excited, but most likely rather nervous, too. All things considered, public speaking makes him anxious. Will you accompany me on Sunday?"

Still smiling I nod as he explains about the repairs on the church and laugh a little when Cain mentions Laurence being excited but nervous too.

All things considered, public speaking makes him anxious. Will you accompany me on Sunday?"

"Does it really?" I ask, tilting my head, "He always seemed at ease talking to people on the street." I shrug smiling. At ease may be a wrong word, purposeful and fervent is a little more like it. It never bothered me though,a little intimidating at times, but that was before I met him. Now I just think he's sweet and he really does have a big heart. Maybe its just a little different for him on the busy street with everything going on around him rather than when people are gathered and there's nothing to distract from him and what he has to say. Poor Laurence, I know he'll do wonderfully. He just needs more faith in himself.

"Even more reason to go then," I nod, "I'd love to. Do you know if he needs any help?"

"Does it really? He always seemed at ease talking to people on the street."

I nod. "He saw it as part of his overcoming himself to serve God. If you ever tried to converse with him, though, instead of just listen, he would struggle."

"Even more reason to go then, I'd love to. Do you know if he needs any help?"

The question catches me off guard a little. I had not asked him if he did or not. I think I asked if he needed supplies but not help. How selfish of me. "No. I do not know if he does. I had not asked him last time we spoke. I will need to apologize for that."

"He saw it as part of his overcoming himself to serve God. If you ever tried to converse with him, though, instead of just listen, he would struggle."

"I see," I say slowly and nod. I think of him sitting out behind the Smithy with the flail, and wonder why it seems like everything his god wants from him is something painful or uncomfortable at best. And Laurence is a good man, what does his god demand of those who aren't?

Cain looks a little surprised when I ask if Laurence needs any help, confessing he doesn't actually know. "Well maybe we should go a little early then, just to make sure," I smile. Last minute things may pop up and I'm sure some extra hands and smiles couldn't hurt.

I smile at Kaeli's suggestion. "I think that would be a wonderful thing to do." It would certainly help Laurence's spirit and encourage him that people will be welcoming of his Church. Well, I hope they will be.

Even if those that follow Nanshe do not welcome it, they are hardly a violent congregation. It is more those that would and will and do follow the Serpent that worry me.

I realize I have been staring into space. Blinking, I smile at Kaeli.

"Would you like to get out and go for a walk?"

"I think that would be a wonderful thing to do."

I nod, "Its a date then." It will be nice to get out and do something on a Sunday besides cook. And it will be wonderful to see Laurence too. I just hope he's not too too nervous, I think he'll do a fine job.

Cain sort of stares off for a few moments, lost in thought, or worry, I'm not sure which. He's been getting that look a lot more lately, and it worries me.

"Would you like to get out and go for a walk?" he asks, coming back to life again.

"You know, I think some fresh air would be wonderful." I smile. I always used to like going on long walks in the fall, I should do it more often. There's another walk I need to go on too, but that one I want to do alone, to say goodbye.

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