I've spent too many years at war with myself, and the Doctor has told me it's no good for my health

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

Wednesday, September 24th
Late enough that it is way too early
The backyard of The Dormouse

Lilith chided me to no end; calling me a sentimental fool and overly attached to the talking monkey.

And she was not wrong, not in the slightest. I was... I could not call Lucien Constantine a friend, but I had a great deal of respect for the man. Perhaps, many eons ago, before... we might have even liked one another.

In the form of smoke on the air, I slipped into the Tavern. For the obvious reasons, I could not attend in human form, but I felt the need to be there. To hear the stories, the taste the tears, to smile at the laughs and ridiculous stories. There were many of those. And there were many stories of how he helped, how we saved, how he cared. In the end... Lucien was a good man, respected and loved. It sat well with me, and it was odd that I felt it needed to.

Perhaps I am still too much of what I once was, and could never truly be again.

Dawn is coming, and My Lady waits on me for us to depart this accursed town, but I have one thing left to do. For him. I settle into my human form, and wait under her tree.

Open to Wanda

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[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

She certainly takes her own sweet time, and perhaps I am a bit amused by her hesitation. I am sure it is on purpose, just to make me squirm.

There are times I actually do like this woman.

"Marbas, I Wanda von SacherMosch, bid you speak truthfully to me until the sun rises." She bids me in a weary voice, and I breathe out. She could have held me to it for the rest of her life, but she was considerate enough to give my bond a release time.

"I am leaving Excolo, as soon as this conversation is over. I cannot say I will never cross your path again, for I cannot see the future. But I have no intentions of ever bothering you again... I promised Lucien I would leave you be."

There is a freedom in being able to tell her these things. I can tell myself that I can talk freely because she bound me to the constraints of my being, but if I am truthful with myself, it's because I need to tell her these things and I can hide behind my creators bond.

"I admired Lucien very much. He was a good man, he made terrible decisions, but in his heart he was inherently good. And a hell of a doctor. Had he been born a century or so earlier..." I trail off, for I am sure she already believed all that without me giving my endorsement. "His loss is a great one, Wanda. And for what it is worth, I am sorry for it."

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

I cannot truly be sure he is telling me the truth; but I will admit a hopeful relief to hear he is leaving. Even moreso that he has no plans to ever pester me again.

I cannot help myself; I chuckle softly when Marbas states the obvious about Lucien. "Brilliant mind, bad decisions." I murmur and find myself smiling. And isn't that a odd thing? Smiling and laughing with Marbas. May be one of the strangest things I have ever done, and that's saying a lot.

"His loss is a great one, Wanda. And for what it is worth, I am sorry for it."

I hold the sunflowers up to my face and inhale their unique scent. Oh Lucien. My love and my friend...

"Thank you, Marbas. Lucien was well loved and will be missed by those that did." Part of me wants to ask why he tried to kill him if he respected him so much... but it really doesn't matter now, does it?

"Is there anything else you needed to say? Or may I go collapse now?"

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

Wanda smiles and chuckles, and I am relieved to see her relax. Even if it's just for this moment. I truly mean her no ill will. She will have enough problems in her life in the coming years, I have no desire to add to her problems. Even if she brought many of them on herself.

"Is there anything else you needed to say? Or may I go collapse now?"

I could go, for I have said the majority of what I wanted to say. But she said needed, not wanted, and the bonds of my oath snap firmly into place.

"Just one thing." Take a step closer, and find I am rather gratified that she does not back automatically away. "I spent four years trapped in his head, and if I knew anything about Lucien Constantine, it was this; he loved you. Even when he was at his worst, even when you pissed him off to the point of wanting to wring your neck... he loved you, Wanda." I watch her eyes water again, and she presses her fingers to her lips.

"I will never be anything than what I am... but Lucien left a little of himself with me when we parted. I will never be 'good', but because of him... I am able to have something very good in my life." I won't tell her that it is, perhaps because of him, I can feel love. I am not sure he is the reason... but I think he reminded me that I could.

"Anyway... I wanted you to know that. I will trouble you no longer, Wanda. Just... for Lucien's sake... try to be happy. I think he would have wanted that. Have a good life, Wanda." I give her a small bow, and turn to leave.

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"I spent four years trapped in his head, and if I knew anything about Lucien Constantine, it was this; he loved you."

Oh, oh... I have to reason to believe him. None. Yet I do. And even if I knew that, even if we were able to overcome all the bullshit and be friends...

To hear it is both heaven and hell.

"Anyway... I wanted you to know that. I will trouble you no longer, Wanda. Just... for Lucien's sake... try to be happy. I think he would have wanted that. Have a good life, Wanda."

He turns to leave, and I want to let him go, watch him walk from my life, but now he is all I have left of Lucien. "Wait..." My hand shoots out and I touch his sleeve to stop him. Marbas turns backs to me with a mildly surprised look.

"Did he know, I mean... did he know how much I loved him? How much he meant..."

[marbasthefallen.livejournal.com]

"Wait..."

It takes a lot to surprise me. Wanda just managed it.

"Did he know, I mean... did he know how much I loved him? How much he meant..."

There is such pain in her eyes, but it is mingled with something else. Need. Hope.

It is not my nature to be kind. If it were anyone else, I would laugh, and walk away to leave them in their misery. But again, I owe him... and perhaps her as well. For the wrongs I visited on her.

"He always knew." Even as her eyes close in pain, her lips tilt up into a smile. There is her closure, and now mine. I lean down and kiss her head. "Goodbye Wanda von SacherMosch." I turn again and head towards the gate. "And good luck with your daughter... you are going to need it." Wink at her, and head towards the street, and out of town, singing under my breath.

There's a moon over bourbon street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights the people and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over bourbon street...

[mistresswanda.livejournal.com]

"He always knew."

Thank you, oh thank you. It hurts so badly, but it's alright. He knew, and he died knowing that and it will never be okay, but it will get better. In time. Knowing what I know now... I can move forward.

The demon kisses me, and I don't have it in me to be scared or disgusted. Merely appreciative of what he is leaving me with tonight. I will hate him again in time, and in time he may come back to torment me. Tonight, we have a shared bond, and I am okay with that.

He turns to leave again, and this time I don't stop him. I let him go, and laugh a little when he offers luck with Rose. "Thank you." I whisper and nod and watch as he goes, singing.

I am not sure, entirely, of what just happened. I think I am better for it. Or, at least... more at peace with the passing of my best friend and first love.

And only in Excolo could a demon be the one to bring it.