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estdeus_innobis2011-09-30 11:36 pm
silence-excolo.livejournal.com) wrote in estdeus_innobis2011-09-30 11:36 pm
Inside of stillness, & silence I've never before seen/I had a nightmare of light that burned my eyes
Tuesday, May 18 [Day 352]
About noon
Along the river by the bridge
For too long I've been... directionless. No, that's not the right word. Letting Fate take the reins, I've had direction, but... but I've not really chosen, just followed the pull, never knowing why. Just going, knowing I'll eventually learn, eventually be needed. Part of me knows, just knows that, were my memories intact - but they're not. Knitting slowly, yes, the fragments coming together, but still so much gone.
I wish...
But at least there's work, & people for company when I need it. Zahn, although I've not seen much of her lately - she seems a bit off, somehow. Syl, whatever we may be. Not enemies, at least. Dana... And there's Nu- Ptah-Naunet, but she likes to be called Nu, & we had missed him so much more than I'd realized. I watch the river bubble & ripple & think of them. People I never thought I would need.
I mean, for the longest time- heh. For the longest time I knew nothing of myself beyond that day I woke up & saw everything burning, smoldering. Everything I knew was gone, which I couldn't understand because I didn't know anything. I just... knew. And for the next century I wandered, following one path after another, trying so hard to find something, anything that could lead me somewhere, but I didn't know if it was to... or away. 100 years... & there's still so much missing! I wish I could speed it up, somehow pull my mind together faster. Maybe I'd finally understand what drew me here.
I know I'm here for a reason, some purpose I've not yet discovered. But will I know in time? Will I know before... it ends? Because everything ends. Eventually.
Will I know before the end?
[Open to Dana]
About noon
Along the river by the bridge
For too long I've been... directionless. No, that's not the right word. Letting Fate take the reins, I've had direction, but... but I've not really chosen, just followed the pull, never knowing why. Just going, knowing I'll eventually learn, eventually be needed. Part of me knows, just knows that, were my memories intact - but they're not. Knitting slowly, yes, the fragments coming together, but still so much gone.
I wish...
But at least there's work, & people for company when I need it. Zahn, although I've not seen much of her lately - she seems a bit off, somehow. Syl, whatever we may be. Not enemies, at least. Dana... And there's Nu- Ptah-Naunet, but she likes to be called Nu, & we had missed him so much more than I'd realized. I watch the river bubble & ripple & think of them. People I never thought I would need.
I mean, for the longest time- heh. For the longest time I knew nothing of myself beyond that day I woke up & saw everything burning, smoldering. Everything I knew was gone, which I couldn't understand because I didn't know anything. I just... knew. And for the next century I wandered, following one path after another, trying so hard to find something, anything that could lead me somewhere, but I didn't know if it was to... or away. 100 years... & there's still so much missing! I wish I could speed it up, somehow pull my mind together faster. Maybe I'd finally understand what drew me here.
I know I'm here for a reason, some purpose I've not yet discovered. But will I know in time? Will I know before... it ends? Because everything ends. Eventually.
Will I know before the end?
[Open to Dana]