I nod, because he's right. "I am mean," I say, quiet as him, "often. To Wanda, most recently. You can't trust me." I don't want to lie to him, not any more.

"As for - " I shouldn't say his name, "her. I hated her and loved her and hurt her. I know what she is. She's hurt people who I love, too. I don't know, Valmont." I want to keep saying his name, like it can make him belong to me in some way, or me to him. To have the right to use it. "I don't think I'd know how not to love her, now. She's a terrible thing. I would have died for her, if she'd been the one who needed it."

It was Genny who did, though. And I would have for Syl. For Lucien, maybe. Would I for Valmont? For Alice? If someone tried to hurt them.... I shake my head, not in negation but because it feels so thick and slow. After a little while I make myself stop shaking it.