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(Thursday, February 18th)
(Way too late, or way too early...)
I can't stop them. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I try to think of other things; like all the things the baby will need, or my list of possible names... the tears won't stop. There is no good reason for my tears but they keep flowing....
Because I am tired.
Because it's late, and I can't fall back asleep, even though I am tired.
Becuase once I do, I know I'll be up again in a hour or two.
Because my hips hurt.
Because my back aches.
Because by the end of the day, my feet don't fit in my shoes.
Because I like my shoes.
Because the sheets feel like sandpaper against my skin.
Because I feel too big for my skin.
Because I miss Lucien, and Miao, and Glass, and Dorian, and just about everyone else.
Because I am lonely.
Because it's my fault that I am.
Because I am too stubborn to admit I made a mistake.
Because I really don't believe that I did.
Because I am afraid that what Zann wants to do won't work.
Because I am more afraid that it will.
Because I am so grateful someone understands, just a little, that he can be beautiful.
Because as grateful as I am, I hate Zann.
Because it wasn't me.
Because I don't want to hate her.
Because I hate myself.
Because I hate him.
Because that is a lie.
Because he is a lie.
Because it doesn't matter.
Because I love him.
Because I want him here.
Because he isn't.
Because I won't ask.
Because I am stronger than that.
Because I am weak.
Because I am scared, more scared than I have ever been.
Because I am afraid this will kill me.
Because it would be easier if I did.
Because I am awful enough to think that.
Because she may be too much like him, and it's hopeless from the start.
Because she may be too much like me, and he'll be disgusted.
Because I think I would give the world right now for him to be holding me.
Because it all seems alright when he's here.
Because I know it's not.
Because...
Because...
Just because.
I swipe at my face and roll over, trying to get comfortable. But it's not happening, and I am so tired, and so lonely... and the tears start all over again.
(closed)
(Way too late, or way too early...)
I can't stop them. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I try to think of other things; like all the things the baby will need, or my list of possible names... the tears won't stop. There is no good reason for my tears but they keep flowing....
Because I am tired.
Because it's late, and I can't fall back asleep, even though I am tired.
Becuase once I do, I know I'll be up again in a hour or two.
Because my hips hurt.
Because my back aches.
Because by the end of the day, my feet don't fit in my shoes.
Because I like my shoes.
Because the sheets feel like sandpaper against my skin.
Because I feel too big for my skin.
Because I miss Lucien, and Miao, and Glass, and Dorian, and just about everyone else.
Because I am lonely.
Because it's my fault that I am.
Because I am too stubborn to admit I made a mistake.
Because I really don't believe that I did.
Because I am afraid that what Zann wants to do won't work.
Because I am more afraid that it will.
Because I am so grateful someone understands, just a little, that he can be beautiful.
Because as grateful as I am, I hate Zann.
Because it wasn't me.
Because I don't want to hate her.
Because I hate myself.
Because I hate him.
Because that is a lie.
Because he is a lie.
Because it doesn't matter.
Because I love him.
Because I want him here.
Because he isn't.
Because I won't ask.
Because I am stronger than that.
Because I am weak.
Because I am scared, more scared than I have ever been.
Because I am afraid this will kill me.
Because it would be easier if I did.
Because I am awful enough to think that.
Because she may be too much like him, and it's hopeless from the start.
Because she may be too much like me, and he'll be disgusted.
Because I think I would give the world right now for him to be holding me.
Because it all seems alright when he's here.
Because I know it's not.
Because...
Because...
Just because.
I swipe at my face and roll over, trying to get comfortable. But it's not happening, and I am so tired, and so lonely... and the tears start all over again.
(closed)